He Knows What I Have Need of

FOr the past few days, I have been having a hard time sitting down and meeting with God in solitude; I don't know what to say in my prayers or read in His word. But I love how that doesn't stop God from speaking-- he knows what I have need of.

Toda after doing a little fake quiet time, I got up to do something else- and it was here, well, actually in my bathroom while i was blow-drying my hair, that God chipped a little bit away from his masterpeice he is making me to be today. He said, "I said love each other becuase I have first loved you, not becuase you have a debt to repay to me, but rather becuase you cannot understand how to love until you understand my love for you." Love one another becuase I have first loved you. At the time, it seemed like sort of a random topic for God to bring up-- I hadn't asked him about it, but he knew what I was in need of.

Lately I have been asking God what it means to "make desciples" and how to really care for someone without holding anything back. Isn't it weird how God ties things together that my brain is too small to connect. You cannot understand how to love others until you understand what love is from me.

After TEAM, for one fo the first times in my life, I felt loved. I had experienced God's love for me there- and coming back home I could walk without shame or self-condemnation. I knew I was loved. And as a result, I didn't see people by trying to figure out how they would weigh me on thier scales, but rather as people who need to experience that love of God too.

TEAM has been more than one hundred days past now; I worry about loosing these great truths that were brought before my heart-eyes. But God is faithful- He knows what I have need of. Today I went to school not living to make sure I lived out the lesson I learned in quiet time and being stressed over my performance, but I went living, knowing that somehow, even though I didn't stick to the schedule, the little check-the-box chart, my Abba would make something happen in my life, somehow i had this peace that I didn't have to try to be the finished work right this minute on my own, but Abba was taking me there.

And I was encouraged by simple fellowship. I got to do a ridiculasly huge astronomy word search with two of my friends who simply need someone to do a word-search with. I got to go help kids learn to draw- or express whatever it is they want to expres. I got to laugh with more people in PE while we played a terrible game of volleyball for "Friday Fun-day." In Math, I helped a girl through the struggles of statistics, listened to her pain of a hurtful teacher and family. I prepared for a big day of ministry on monday with good friends.

Sometimes I wonder: Am I really making a difference in lives? Am I a light shining God's love? Am I Loving others becuase I understand God's love for me first. I look at days like today and realize that God isn't concerned about how many chapters I read before rushing to school at 7:15- he might have been glad to allow me to sleep those extra 10 minutes and spend the rest of the day teaching me a little more about his love.

Lately God has been talking to me a lot about the woman at the well. I think it is the coolest thing when God makes himself clear. one of the things that I have been drilling my Abba Teacher about lately is this "evangelism" thing. Its so confusing to me... but he has been speaking a few things through this outcast woman in John 4.

John 4:39 says, "Many of the Samaritans from that town beleived in him becuase of of the woman's testimony. 'He told me everything I ever did'." I have a hard time with evangelism becuase sometimes it seems forced and akward to me- and I sometimes feel as though I should do it becuase its a box I need to check to be "the right kind of Christian." The whole thing about it being a command awakens in me that rebellion that comes from being human. I have the desire for people to see the life Christ came to bring, but when I go back to my sunday school education, I go back to thinking of it as a chore, something I have to do.

But I think this verse says a lot about how sharing the living water with people works. I don't need to have this rehearsed speech or be worried about not doing it well enough to check the box-- I'm only called to share who Jesus is to me. The samaritan woman's message was simple,"He told me everything I ever did."

Tonight one of the deacons at my church shared his testimony; this was a guy who I have known of for a long time but not really someone i know deep enough to really knowthem. It was so cool to hear the humanness of this person I wrote off as being the type that was probably a christian his whole life, blah, blah, blah... How wrong of me to think of him- or any other person, for that matter, in that light. Everybody has a story and God uses each peice of our stories in our lives not only to draw us to himself but the people we share them with as well.

One thing inparticular that Gary shared tonight was that the woman who was a part of God's team in bringing him to christ stuck out to him becuase he had never heard anyone talk about Jesus in the way that she did. He said it was so personal, and that he thought she might even float out of the convertable car they were riding it at the time. I began to think about myself. Am I a person that people would say talks about Jesus in a way they have never heard before? Am I real enough with people to let them see my heart, who Jesus is to me?

I get caught up in this thinking that sharing the gospel has to be rehearsed and practiced and done just right until you suck all the heart out of it, but i don't really think that's any way to "make disciples." Jesus made his disciples by meeting them where they were at and by sharing his life with them. And they went out, simply sharing thier own testimonies.

I don't want to be an evangelist; I want to be a heart-sharing samaritan woman, simply believing becuase "He told me everything I ever did."

They said to the woman, "We no longer believe just becuase of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world." John 4:42

Pray Continually

It seems like when i hang out alone too much, I start to drive myself crazy-- i loose track of what is true and obsess over everything. I obsess myself to the point of exhaustion-- but I can never relax or stop. Augh. I really hate it.

So what is true in my life right now? I'm not sure. It seems like i have to keep relearning this concept of coming to the end of myself, leaving everything in the arms of my Abba. I mean, why can't i already know the formula for balance in life? I think i need to know everything right now... ahhhh. Deep breath. I give up. Take care of it, Abba. I want to quit. Fix me. I'm stuck.

hey, all you millions who read my blog (insert laugh here), check out my blog from friday, sept 3 (sorry, i don't know how to make a link b/c i'm non-savvy). But anyway, its a good one and it totally describes my life right now too. Which is cool. Who says history doesn't repeat itself? Anyway, check it out, its cool.

I am at rest today... I love being able to talk to people and then just go... "aaahhhhhhh." like breathing in the moutain air. I'm okay. Lets all stop worrying, shall we?

I feel inadequate today. Who am i? Do you ever get to one of those places where you just forget who you are-- everything that you have been taught and everything you know to be true? I like Philippians 1:6 that says, "BEing confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to copletiton unitl the day of Christ Jesus. But i'm having a hard time internalizing it today. Or for about a week for that matter.

Is it loneliness. holding myself back from people? I don't know. I'm physically stressed and tired and so I just don't have the energy or state of mind to reach out and say, "I need help! Could somebody give me a hug?!"

Today I got my senior pictures taken. For some reason whenever I am in public with my parents, i just don't want anyone to think i am happy about the situation I am in with them or that I love them. Why is that?

I have been reading, Philip Yancey's "What's so Amazing about Grace," and the part I am at right now is talking about how forgiveness is so totally against this world's everything. To forgive is so unnatural. Am I still working though forgiving my parents for not being perfect and don't want anyone in the world to know i am doing something so... unworldly? I don't know. I have a hard time letting the Christ Spirit inside me show through the dingy shame I feel around my parents. Is that it? I don't know. abba, carry it on to completion.

I think i am having a hard time falling into Abbas arms right now. I am so worried about what my teachers and everybody else thinks that I am letting those lies from Deciever totally steal my joy. I've got that mask of shame on and i just want it off. Abba, would you take my mask off? I aks in sincerity now, live in me the freedom you have already won for me.

i'm just curious to know if anybody actually reads this... anybody at all?

Tar and Feathers... a theological lesson from Huck Finn

In my AP english class, we are reading Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," and as we were discussing it today in class, i came across a great illustration of grace in it.

Huck has been traveling with two frauds, who claim to be a Duke and a King in order to milk Huck and Jim for all their worth. These two "rapscallions"go from town to town as "missionaries" and "playwrites" and are your typical fraudulant traveling salemen. Well, eventually, the two get caught and and as Huck watches as the townsfolk drive them out of town tar-and-feathered, he says of the frauds, "Them poor rascals," and says of the townspeople, "Some people are just so cruel," even though perfect justice was served. What a beautiful picture of grace.

The King and the Duke had taken advantage of Huck to no end, taking over his own raft and bed, and even went so far as to sell Jim, his best friend who also happened to be a runaway slave, for a mere $40. But nevertheless, Huck's heart went out to them, all covered in tar and feathers-- just what they deserved.

I have been wondering lately where justice and grace cross. I mean, the King and the Duke had it coming. When they get tar-and-feathered, from the readers' point of view, we all think, "Its about time. WE're finally rid of these jerks," but Huck, who is involved with them in the depths of their trickery feels sorry for them. Is this how God sees me when I am tar and feathered? Is this how i should view others? hmmm.... Theological lessons from Huckleberry Finn....

Prodigals

On my journey in devlving deeper into this grace thing, i have been reading, "What's so amazing about Grace," by Philip Yancey. In his book, Yancey uses a number of illustrations, stories, and JEsus' parables to show what grace is and how it works. It has really changed my view towards parables. It seems like so often when we study parables, we automatically assume they are stories to tell us how we need to shape up and be better christians, but for the most part, i don't think that this was the "author's purpose" at all. Jesus used parables to show the truth about himself and the father. No wonder so many Christians feel burned out! If we would just take those parables and take them to our heart-- allow them to penetrate who we are as God's creations-- how much more we would be fulfilled in our walk!

The parable that has touched me the deepest in the past few weeks has been that of the prodigal son. Yancey restates it in more contemparary terms with a young girl from Traverse City, Michigan who runs away and prostitutes herself as the prodigal. While reading this, something inside of me just broke and i just sat in tears and amazement. I'd heard the story a million times, but not until recently I have never known quite how to interpret it nor have i really allowed it to affect me. Yancey ends the story like this,"

"She walks into the terminal not knowing what to expect. Not one of the thousnad scenes that have played out in her mind prepare her for what she sees. There, in the concrete-walls-and-plastic-chiars bus terminal in Traverse City Michigan, stands a group of forty brothers and sisters and great-aunts and uncles and cousins and a grandmother and great-grandmother to boot. They're all wearing goofy part hats and blowing noise-makers, and taped across the entire wall of the termmianl is a computer-generated banner that reads "welcome home!"
Out of the crowd of well-wishers breaks her dad. She stares out through the tears quivering in her eyes like hot mercury and begins the memorized speech, 'Dad, i'm sorry I know...'
He interupts her, 'Hush child. We've got no time for that. No time for apologies. You'll be late for the party. A banquet's waiting for you at home.'"

I keep seeing this image of a "Lovesick father" standing at the end of the road with his arms open, running towards me. Could this be my father, my Abba? Waiting like that for me? Am i going to have to make some kind of excuse? Or will he just welcome me in, wanting to have the party and forgetting everything behind.

You know, i really don't like the analogy of our faith being a race to be run, becuase frankly, i just hate running. Athletic training is right at the bottom of my list of priorities. But to know that i can simply lay down in my Abba's arms and he'll do the running for me brings air back into my lungs.

All this stuff about grace makes me want to pass it along to someone else. I want to give all my money to throw someone a party or buy my good friend the blazer that she wants. isn't it amazing how simply knowing how beautiful God is can totally change my perspective towards others.

Knowing about God's grace for me also makes me think about those who i have been less than forgiving towards. There is a Jonah 33 song that says, "THis song goes out to my prodigal dad," and as i read through this book, that line just keeps coming back. My dad has turned away from God and won't let go of his pride long enough to accept God's grace. He says things about my Abba that make me so angry and says things to me that are so hurtful, but God never gives up on him, even though i usually do. I would like to stop giving up, to show my earthy father the grace that my heavenly abba has given both of us. I want to be able to stand at the end of the road with my arms open. But right now i feel like the road is awfullly long. And i don't think that i can unlock my knees to run down the road yet... but someday maybe.... If my other daddy will pick me up and carry me there...

who else is there in my life who i need to be more graceful with? My friends at school, my partners in ministry who i don't think are doing their job right, or at least i used to think that. I remember last year being frustrated that people weren't shaping up to be the kind of christians i thought i had to be.. today i can look at those same people with grace. I can see a big distance from where i was then to where Abba has brought me now. Its one of those questions i asked him to answer, and here I am, holding it in my hand.

So this song goes out to my prodigal dad...

Freefalling... the lessons continue

Do you ever feel like a big, square world has been dropped right on your chest and the corner of it is just digging right into your soul? Today, all of the sudden it hit me. its like, as soon as I get of Abba's lap, i sprawl out on the floor, and that big box of world just hits me. Wham. Foom. striaght out of the sky. And it hurts. I can't breath. I feel smashed, getting squeezed into it.

So tonight I got off Abba's lap and decided to be efficient and get all my homework done and just ignore the difficulty of all the work i had to get done for the sake of "being responsible." And it just felt like a big box, unmoveable dropped on my chest.

I am feeling very pressured about making some kind of college decision, but the people who are pushing me into making the decision are pushing me into a brick wall. I feel the push from the back, but I am looking at a wall. Intimidation. Overwhelmed. A non-existent time in my schedule for me to decide the direction of my future. Looking into a black hole of my future, wondering if the moment I take one step forward out side of the lit room i stand in now, into the blackness i cannot judge the depth or width or scope of, is scary. And i'm alone. I don't hear any voices inside that black hole, the doorway, just silence and blackness.

So I finally let myself relax (a little) and shut all my books, quit reading the college planning packet, and put them away to give myself a sense of finality about the matter, and turned on the radio. The new DC talk song on Toby Mac's new CD came on and something inside of me just broke. I could hear Abba saying, "I wanted you to hear this from me." I don't even remember all the details of it now, but a few lines knocked from the other side of the box on my chest. "I'll always be there... I'll leave the light on... unconditional...."

Earlier today someone said to me that they were just working on falling into Abba's arms. That really resonated with me then because that is a place I too am at... But this afternoon, as i listned to that song, the reality came back into focus. I had crawled out...

Lately God has been working on my ability to express who i am, what i'm feeling, mostly through my art. And he keeps bringing me back to a few sensations that I would like to express. One is the feeling of freefalling. Some people hate the feeling of falling, but I LOVE it. I would like to go hangliding sometime. That feeling of just gliding on the air, but you know there is something holding you. I think Grace and trusting God is a lot like freefalling-- you just let yourself fall right into his soft, strong, capable hands.

This other thing that I have a longing to express is something of a box. I think the world is just one giant box. Hard, unyeilding, always wanting to put you in it, make you a part of it. The more i learn about God and his grace, the more i realize how he is nothing like the ways of this world. The ability for me to not go to one of my classes today, and just rest in his arms, free from everything.... Thats is freefalling, out of the box.

The best thing about it is that when I get out of the world mentality and fall back into Abba's arms is that he is still in charge of that demanding world. He will take care of all this silly garbage like grades and college applications right under my nose. And i'll look back and wonder what miracle took care of it... and i'll know it was my Abba... And i'll freefall into his arms.