"You know my folly, O God; My guilt is not hidden from you." Genesis 69:5
This morning as I was spending time in friendship with Abba, he struck me with this verse. Lately I have been feeling this need to hide myself from God, from people, and wondering why I feel distanced from God.
God already knows the stupid things I do, he already knows all my sin, but he also knows when I am being covered in shame. Why should I try to hide these things that he already knows? The thing that really struck me by this verse wasn't really in it at all, though. Not only does God know my every sin, every silly thing I do and get bent out of shape over, he still loves me with the deepest love. In the midst of my folly, this unhidden, exposed guilt, God loves me. Or even better-- In the midst of God's love for me, he knows there are imperfections in me and that changes nothing.
abba, thank you that you already know and i don't have to waste extra time hiding from you. Thank you that your love never changes and that you free me from looking over my shoulder. Is that what true freedom is? Being able to live freely despite the imperfections becuase I don't have to be afraid of your wrath, your finding out? Thank you for teaching me all these things, even when they are painful.
Monday, January 31
Sunday, January 30
Gensis 2:18 It is not good for man to be alone.
For the past few weeks or so, I have been trying to journey alone. For those of you reading my blog, you may have noticed how well its been going. Somehow it is easy for me to forget that the journey was not intended to be traveled alone, but I still end up walking the woods at night without anyone there beside me.
I need people and its okay. It seems like I have to keep relearning that over and again. So here I am again. Learning it again.
I've been missing my mentor a lot lately. We have not been able to see each other much for a long time and like most things, you don't know what you've got until its gone. This absence in my life has caused me to look at my life a lot-- how many people are there in my life that I need to be able to count on that i choose not to trust and what is it that keeps me from reaching out and asking for help when i need it?
I definately think that this is an area of my life that needs real healing and, ironically enough, i'm never going to find that healing trying to hike the mountain on my own. There is nothing wrong with me, these lies that seem to bombard me more and more as i get farther away from true, honest community are not true. This journey wasn't made to be alone and I was made to need people. I was made to look to others as God's provision of love and support. Somehow I have a hard time remembering that. Even harder, it seems, is finding that true, deep community that makes me rememeber that I am a human being, not some being from somewhere else that makes no sense and does not matter.
There are times when I come home and wonder if I really belong to my family. Its like when I am with my family for too long at certain times I feel more alone than ever. Loving my family (as with most) is hard work, and honestly, if i'm supposed to be doing it all by myself, I quit. I am not going to attempt burning myself out on that. Its silliness.
Despite my struggle and my overenalization of myself and my relationhsip to people, he is working on me. This morning during worship, he spoke to my heart through the song, "THe power of Your Love," which says,
The power of your love is changing me,
changing me, changing me, OLord,
Change me by the power of your love.
You've drawn me to your side, and what else can I do?
My heart is opened wide, My hands reach up to You.
I'm calling out for more, I'm asking in your name
That by your spirit Lord, I will never be the same.
He was saying to me, "I am fixing this problem in you, I am here by your side. You can't reach out to other people and you don't know how to call out to them, but you are calling out to me, and that is all you need." My need for people doesn't replace my need for God, but God has placed this need for people in me so that he would get the glory when he provides it. He wants to be the one to fix me, to give me what I need instead of me getting it myself.
I'm not sure why I am telling all you cyper-space people this, but i feel like it is something that merits blogging becuase it is part of me, part of the journey that I am sharing with all of you people I don't know. Its something to send out into the void. Maybe it'll be something i need to read in a month or so. Maybe a few more people I actually know will fall across this and hear my call for help. In the meantime, I'll work on telling a few people that I actually know and see if I can get a little better help out there.
Abba, you did not create me to be alone. And, since you did create me, afterall, you know how I am wired and why it is so hard for me to call out to people and let them know I need them. Give me the strength I need . This morning you sent me a message of your love and your faithfullness in your song. You are equipping me to love my family, even when I don't want to and its painful. You are putting a love in me that is deeper than the pain.
Thursday, January 27
lets be honest
for some reason, for the past few weeks, I have lost sight of myself. I have felt the need to be something other than I am, adopting this notion that I need to hide something from myself, God, you people, the people i go to school with, my family. I guess you could call it walking in shame, not freedom. Even though i know I am supposed to be walking in freedom becuase that is the truth of my identity in Christ, I'm not. So there you have it. I'm tired of trying to explain it, to fromulize my way out of it. I feel as if I have some reason to be walking in shame.
Walking in shame makes a new creation forget who they are really. Or is it that forgetting the reality of who you are as a new creation causes you to talk in shame? I don't know. It doesn't matter. Thats just where I'm at.
It seems like I come back to this place a lot. Those of you who read my blog probably have noticed that, but you might not know it from reading my life (unless you are really good). I'm tired of living lies. I have nothing to be ashamed of. "There is no condemnation for anyone who is in Christ Jesus." So, i'm coming out.
I become controlling of defensive for fear that these imaginary sins are real and I'm going to find out that I really am the terrible person that this liar keeps telling me I am. Is part of the journey getting farther and farther from these lies? i think i need my campfire friends to quickly snatch me from the hands of the deciever and i don't see them coming. There is a hand over my mouth that keeps me from calling out and all i can do is type blogs like this one.
Abba, something other than you and me is torturing me. You promised that where your spirit is, there is freedom, that you are capable of removing this guilt and this shame. I need to be pulled out of the pit once again. How many times will I fall in? How many times will i cry these tears amid my running nose and sore throat. Abba, I need you. I need you now.
Walking in shame makes a new creation forget who they are really. Or is it that forgetting the reality of who you are as a new creation causes you to talk in shame? I don't know. It doesn't matter. Thats just where I'm at.
It seems like I come back to this place a lot. Those of you who read my blog probably have noticed that, but you might not know it from reading my life (unless you are really good). I'm tired of living lies. I have nothing to be ashamed of. "There is no condemnation for anyone who is in Christ Jesus." So, i'm coming out.
I become controlling of defensive for fear that these imaginary sins are real and I'm going to find out that I really am the terrible person that this liar keeps telling me I am. Is part of the journey getting farther and farther from these lies? i think i need my campfire friends to quickly snatch me from the hands of the deciever and i don't see them coming. There is a hand over my mouth that keeps me from calling out and all i can do is type blogs like this one.
Abba, something other than you and me is torturing me. You promised that where your spirit is, there is freedom, that you are capable of removing this guilt and this shame. I need to be pulled out of the pit once again. How many times will I fall in? How many times will i cry these tears amid my running nose and sore throat. Abba, I need you. I need you now.
Sunday, January 23
"In conversation, the disciple who is truly poor in spirit always leaves the other person with the feeling, 'My life has been enriched by talking with you.' This is neither false modesty or phony humility. His or her life has been enriched and graced. He is not all exhaust and no intake. She does not impose herself on others. He listens well becuase he knows he has so much to learn from others. Her spiritual poverty enables her to enter the wrold of the other even when she cannot identify with that world... THe poor in spirit are the most non judgemental of peoples; they get along well with sinners." Brennan Mannin, "The Ragamuffin Gospel"
I am not the judge of my church. Today I faced the reality of myself. I am not the judge of the group of sinners God has placed me in the midst of, whether I like to believe it or not. You would think that having so much piety to think you are better than an entire church would bring a person imense satisfaction, but for those of you who have seen my life for the past week or have been reading this blog will know that it brings the most turmoil to a life that you want to go out of your mind. Some might call that coming to the end of yourself.
I've been wanting to run- not from people, not really from my church, but from myself. I've been running from this conviction that seems to keep returning that I am not better than these people and I still have things to learn from them. The key to the peace I have been seeking isn't going to come from other people running church according to my standards.
As I stood in worship this morning after hearing one of my favorite people talk about how God loves us and is seeking us out on every leg of our journey, even the running part, I looked around and the people there and for one of the first times in many months it occured to me that God loves each of these people as much as he loves me. Believe it or not, I am not something to be grasped. God doesn't have me at Grace becuase there is no one on this earth as good as me, but becuase yes, he does have a purpose for me there. He has a purpose to use me, but he also has a purpose to use other people in me. I am not the savior for Grace Church.
God's love for me absolutely blows my mind. I often find myself simply asking Him why. Abba, why do you love me this much? Why is my life absolutely overflowing with your love and your blessing?
As I sat there in worship today, crying so hard I couldn't even sing, I poured out my heart in truth before the Lord, confessing my pride, my selfishness, my ill-gratitude for all these people he put around me. Strangely enough, no matter how ashamed I felt I should be before him, he sent another word to me. A woman I have never met, although I have seen many times, came to me as soon as the benediciton ended and simply said to me, "I feel like God wants me to tell you that He loves your heart. He has a good plan for you and is going to do amazing things in your future." At that moment i let all those tears that I had been desperately trying to hold back go. She kept saying something, but I was so lost in her arms that I heard nothing besides Abba saying to me, "I'm holding you in my hand here, now, for a reason. This thing people keep saying about next year being better, about new parts of your life beginning, that is also true. I have the most mind-blowing, amazing things for you. I am using this, here, now, this moment, for a reason, and I am going to take you to a place even more amazing than this."
There is so much more I would like to express here, so much more to explain, but how do you articulate the wonder of God? You can't. Today I'm just wondering why God chooses to love me this much, to lavish his love on me until I am just swimming, being lost in it. I remember being a kid and hearing the song, "The Deep Deep Love of Jesus" and imagining this deep dark, pit of tar, only sweet smelling. Like lavender tar. Weird image, but now I understand a little more about what it means when it says God has lavished his love upon us.
Abba, thank you for the gift of humility, the realization that thinking I am above everyone else only makes me loose out on your blessing. Thank you for catching up with me, even though I thought I could outrun you. thank you that you love my heart, even when its is black and overpuffed with pride. Thank you for every word you sent through Kathy Moore, even the ones I couldn't hear. Keep those gentle, but deep words close to my heart when I need them most, keep reminding me of my spiritual poverty and bring these words you have spoken to truth, no matter what they mean for me. I leave it all to you. Abba, most of all, thank you that your love is so big that I cannot even comprehend it. Thank you for loving me the way you do, and for loving other people exactly the same. Make me a person who leaves conversation letting people know that my life has been enriched, simply by talking to them.
Wednesday, January 19
My love is deeper than the pain....
wow. The reason I started this blog (or one of the reasons, at least) was because I am a person who needs to be heard, that is, if we were made to share our lives with each other, that would mean that other people need to see what God is doing in my life. A while back I wondered why it seemed to akward to share myself, my faith, with people who I don't know if they agree with me or not and it occurred to me that I have a hard time even sharing my faith with people I know believe the same thing I do. So, I started blogging, sort of as a cry for help, some way to fill this hole in my life, this need I have to share my life with other people. Sure, blogging isn't really like the most connecting thing between people, but its safe and it was a good place to start for me. Sometimes (ok, most of the time) I doubt more than about 3 people read this, but now, looking at the counter i just put up monday, it blows my mind to think that people really do read my thoughts here. So, thanks, all you random strangers, and some not to strange and not so random, for sharing this journey with me, for letting the light in my life glare in your eyes for a while. I like it.
Anyway, these past few days, this blog has been sort of like a teddy bear for me, a place of comfort where I can go and share this pain of my past with you people who i have none of that junk to sort through with, to just bounce my heart's confusion off the walls of cyber space. I've been sorting through junk of my past for about a week or so more, although i've been wading through it for a while. Funny how God likes to do a little spring cleaning now and again.
Anyway, a few nights ago, I was laying awake, thinking about why all of this torments me so much. I realized that I didn't know if I could trust God with this becuase i didn't know if he was on my side. I was believing these lies that God hates me becuase I am challenging his people and I'm not being loving and all these stuff-- the same thing about being alone and deserving it. But since then, God has really confirmed to me that this battle is his, only its not like me against my church, but its me against these chains of the past. He really does want to use me in this huge way, even though I feel so unworthy to be given this task.
The other night I was blogging or talking to Abba or journaling or something and I just remember saying, "God, I know you love me and you are doing something here, but right now it really feels like you are using me as a stick to beat against the rock." I wrote that and thought, what a strange image for me to pull up. But then, later, I was reading in psalms and i came across this verse in chapter 78:
"He split the rocks in the desert and gave the water as abundant as the seas; he brought streams out of a rocky crag and made water flow down like rivers." (vs. 15-16)
This sort of hit me like, well, a rock. This idea of water coming out of rocks is still even more significant to me as water is a symbol that reminds me of the freedom that comes from God's grace. Putting my hand under a fountain floods my heart with this feeling that I have been washed clean, that i don't need to worry about my sins from the past or those I am going to do in the future. This idea of freedom is one of the most frustrating thing I struggle with at my church and in my life. In the verses before this one, God speaks of the men of Ephraim who turned back on the day of battle, even though they were armed with arrows. My name means battle maiden for the Lord. As I drifted off to sleep last night, I kept thinking of those words from David, "The Battle is the Lord's.
Tonight was an interesting night, to say the least, as I headed off to youth group, wondering what I might feel, what kind of anger I would need to fight off. When I arrived, I felt this need to let people know that I was angry, that there was something inside me telling me that I was better, basically feeling ashamed and assuming other people would know. But its a funny thing when you allow God to make you the person he wants to. This week I have become keenly aware that nothing good I do, anytime I actually live right, is only because God puts those things in my heart. And as I allowed him to put those things there, I came back to this place of just wanting these people to see Christ, wanting to be in one accord and wanting this junk, whatever it is that is keeping me from being one with them, out of my life. I want it gone.
I have thought a lot this week about going to another church. Earlier today a friend of mine told me about her church-- one at which they are doing a small-group study on one of my favorite books and have a bible study in which they interpret the Bible through art (for those of you who don't know me, this is like everything I've ever dreamed of, basically. totally where i'm at.). But as I think about the people at my church, I don't think I could ever leave them; I don't ever want them to think that i've abandoned them or left out of anger or spite.
Tonight, during worship at youth group, Christi, my youth pastor's wife just came and prayed over me as i knelt on the floor, totally at the end of myself about where I was to go and what I was to do. She just thanked God for me, told him how much I bring to her life and how devistating it would be for her if i were to leave and go somewhere else. At that moment, something just hit me. I realized it would break my heart just as much to leave her and that old familiar line of forgiveness came back to mind.
My love is deeper than the pain.
God has used that song lyric from Jonah 33 before to remind me about the love he has placed in my for my family, especailly for my dad, but tonight, I actually felt what that line means. I haven't reached the point with my family that I can honestly say and believe in my heart that my love is deeper than the pain, but as I sat there in the darkness, with Christi's arms around me it resonated through my being. i am willing to go through the pain of working through this becuase my love for these people is deeper. I stay here even when it hurts so much because my love is deeper.
So, tomorrow, I am beginning a new journey. I am meeting with John, my youth pastor, not to tell him how much I hate his policies or curiculum or sunday school lessons, but to let him know that my love for him and the church is deeper than the pain I have felt in the past and the pain that is going to occur in the future as God works in my through this time. His love is deeper than the pain. He is teaching me to feel the pain. Maybe this is what He meant when he said through Paul that we must share in Christ's sufferings. "It hurts, but it hurts so good."
Abba, lay any burden on my, yet sustain me. take me anywhere, yet go with me. Sever any tie but the tie that binds me to you.
Anyway, these past few days, this blog has been sort of like a teddy bear for me, a place of comfort where I can go and share this pain of my past with you people who i have none of that junk to sort through with, to just bounce my heart's confusion off the walls of cyber space. I've been sorting through junk of my past for about a week or so more, although i've been wading through it for a while. Funny how God likes to do a little spring cleaning now and again.
Anyway, a few nights ago, I was laying awake, thinking about why all of this torments me so much. I realized that I didn't know if I could trust God with this becuase i didn't know if he was on my side. I was believing these lies that God hates me becuase I am challenging his people and I'm not being loving and all these stuff-- the same thing about being alone and deserving it. But since then, God has really confirmed to me that this battle is his, only its not like me against my church, but its me against these chains of the past. He really does want to use me in this huge way, even though I feel so unworthy to be given this task.
The other night I was blogging or talking to Abba or journaling or something and I just remember saying, "God, I know you love me and you are doing something here, but right now it really feels like you are using me as a stick to beat against the rock." I wrote that and thought, what a strange image for me to pull up. But then, later, I was reading in psalms and i came across this verse in chapter 78:
"He split the rocks in the desert and gave the water as abundant as the seas; he brought streams out of a rocky crag and made water flow down like rivers." (vs. 15-16)
This sort of hit me like, well, a rock. This idea of water coming out of rocks is still even more significant to me as water is a symbol that reminds me of the freedom that comes from God's grace. Putting my hand under a fountain floods my heart with this feeling that I have been washed clean, that i don't need to worry about my sins from the past or those I am going to do in the future. This idea of freedom is one of the most frustrating thing I struggle with at my church and in my life. In the verses before this one, God speaks of the men of Ephraim who turned back on the day of battle, even though they were armed with arrows. My name means battle maiden for the Lord. As I drifted off to sleep last night, I kept thinking of those words from David, "The Battle is the Lord's.
Tonight was an interesting night, to say the least, as I headed off to youth group, wondering what I might feel, what kind of anger I would need to fight off. When I arrived, I felt this need to let people know that I was angry, that there was something inside me telling me that I was better, basically feeling ashamed and assuming other people would know. But its a funny thing when you allow God to make you the person he wants to. This week I have become keenly aware that nothing good I do, anytime I actually live right, is only because God puts those things in my heart. And as I allowed him to put those things there, I came back to this place of just wanting these people to see Christ, wanting to be in one accord and wanting this junk, whatever it is that is keeping me from being one with them, out of my life. I want it gone.
I have thought a lot this week about going to another church. Earlier today a friend of mine told me about her church-- one at which they are doing a small-group study on one of my favorite books and have a bible study in which they interpret the Bible through art (for those of you who don't know me, this is like everything I've ever dreamed of, basically. totally where i'm at.). But as I think about the people at my church, I don't think I could ever leave them; I don't ever want them to think that i've abandoned them or left out of anger or spite.
Tonight, during worship at youth group, Christi, my youth pastor's wife just came and prayed over me as i knelt on the floor, totally at the end of myself about where I was to go and what I was to do. She just thanked God for me, told him how much I bring to her life and how devistating it would be for her if i were to leave and go somewhere else. At that moment, something just hit me. I realized it would break my heart just as much to leave her and that old familiar line of forgiveness came back to mind.
My love is deeper than the pain.
God has used that song lyric from Jonah 33 before to remind me about the love he has placed in my for my family, especailly for my dad, but tonight, I actually felt what that line means. I haven't reached the point with my family that I can honestly say and believe in my heart that my love is deeper than the pain, but as I sat there in the darkness, with Christi's arms around me it resonated through my being. i am willing to go through the pain of working through this becuase my love for these people is deeper. I stay here even when it hurts so much because my love is deeper.
So, tomorrow, I am beginning a new journey. I am meeting with John, my youth pastor, not to tell him how much I hate his policies or curiculum or sunday school lessons, but to let him know that my love for him and the church is deeper than the pain I have felt in the past and the pain that is going to occur in the future as God works in my through this time. His love is deeper than the pain. He is teaching me to feel the pain. Maybe this is what He meant when he said through Paul that we must share in Christ's sufferings. "It hurts, but it hurts so good."
Abba, lay any burden on my, yet sustain me. take me anywhere, yet go with me. Sever any tie but the tie that binds me to you.
Monday, January 17
I've just finished listening to Rob Bell's "Weak is the New Strong" teaching. Funny how the way God works is so backwards from the way we want to live life.
I think I blogged a few weeks ago about how God is teaching me to feel pain. To acknowledge that life is often painful and I don't know how to fix it; I can never put the bandaid on without getting the sticky parts stuck together.
The past few days I have been desperately trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why I have such a struggle with my church. I keep looking for that magic thing I just need to do or stop doing to find the answers, to stop feeling the acute pain that comes from me swinging the sword that I am afraid may be swinging at me.
Yesterday was rough, but good. Saturday night, I sent an email to my youth pastor attempting to articulate the depths of my confusion, trying to sort out this magic formula of the problem. I spent a lot of time yesterday trying to get some answer from God as to what I need to do, a pat answer. Ironically, this formulation theory was the only thing I could throw at my anger towards my church in some attempt of labeleing.
But as I sat, curled up in my chair, listening to the quiet music from David Crowder, I just let the tears fall. For the first time, I honestly gave it to God. I sat their crying, telling Abba how much these wounds from my past hurt and how my attempts to bulldoze them and keep going just weren't working. I had simply asked him to give me some kind of peace, some sign that I was accepted, even though i couldn't figure out what my stupid problem was.
This morning, I woke up with this strange nagging, that I was going to waste another day trying to sort through the equations to find the formula. I had these plans for my day, these ideas of what I needed to get done, and at the top was this expectation that I needed to talk to God and read his word, but not really because I wanted to, but becuase I knew in my mind that it needed to be done. It hit me, as I stood before my mirror, dressing after the scheduled shower, that I felt like God had left me alone and I deserved to be alone becuase all this pain I was feeling was the result of my stubborn will to be right and the it was the church's fault that they weren't living up to whatever I think they should be.
What a lie. What a beautiful gift of grace that I did not live in that lie all day long. I felt alone, but I wasn't. I'm still not alone. Abba is bringing me through some seriously needed healing here and yes, it hurts. And yes, he knows it.
This struggle I am having isn't a result of me not doing something that i am supposed to me doing. Its a result of me not being able to fix myself. I am feeling the symptoms of something deeper, the root of a sickness that must be removed before I can stop feeling the pain.
I am in pain today, I have been in pain for a long time, and only Abba can fix it. He made a way so that I could be fixed. In the meantime, as I take each step through the forest and into the clearing, staring down yet another canyon, I look to my left and see guide, to my back I know its Abba holding me up, and to my right I feel Jesus holding my hand and whispering love into my ear.
Abba, don't let me forget that my weakness is in your hand this week.
I think I blogged a few weeks ago about how God is teaching me to feel pain. To acknowledge that life is often painful and I don't know how to fix it; I can never put the bandaid on without getting the sticky parts stuck together.
The past few days I have been desperately trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why I have such a struggle with my church. I keep looking for that magic thing I just need to do or stop doing to find the answers, to stop feeling the acute pain that comes from me swinging the sword that I am afraid may be swinging at me.
Yesterday was rough, but good. Saturday night, I sent an email to my youth pastor attempting to articulate the depths of my confusion, trying to sort out this magic formula of the problem. I spent a lot of time yesterday trying to get some answer from God as to what I need to do, a pat answer. Ironically, this formulation theory was the only thing I could throw at my anger towards my church in some attempt of labeleing.
But as I sat, curled up in my chair, listening to the quiet music from David Crowder, I just let the tears fall. For the first time, I honestly gave it to God. I sat their crying, telling Abba how much these wounds from my past hurt and how my attempts to bulldoze them and keep going just weren't working. I had simply asked him to give me some kind of peace, some sign that I was accepted, even though i couldn't figure out what my stupid problem was.
This morning, I woke up with this strange nagging, that I was going to waste another day trying to sort through the equations to find the formula. I had these plans for my day, these ideas of what I needed to get done, and at the top was this expectation that I needed to talk to God and read his word, but not really because I wanted to, but becuase I knew in my mind that it needed to be done. It hit me, as I stood before my mirror, dressing after the scheduled shower, that I felt like God had left me alone and I deserved to be alone becuase all this pain I was feeling was the result of my stubborn will to be right and the it was the church's fault that they weren't living up to whatever I think they should be.
What a lie. What a beautiful gift of grace that I did not live in that lie all day long. I felt alone, but I wasn't. I'm still not alone. Abba is bringing me through some seriously needed healing here and yes, it hurts. And yes, he knows it.
This struggle I am having isn't a result of me not doing something that i am supposed to me doing. Its a result of me not being able to fix myself. I am feeling the symptoms of something deeper, the root of a sickness that must be removed before I can stop feeling the pain.
I am in pain today, I have been in pain for a long time, and only Abba can fix it. He made a way so that I could be fixed. In the meantime, as I take each step through the forest and into the clearing, staring down yet another canyon, I look to my left and see guide, to my back I know its Abba holding me up, and to my right I feel Jesus holding my hand and whispering love into my ear.
Abba, don't let me forget that my weakness is in your hand this week.
Sunday, January 16
i don't want to be a church critic. i don't like this feeling of discontent, this conflict. I don't want to be a person who looks at my church and thinks i know how to run it better. I don't. But i'm afraid that's who i've become.
How do you find the difference between being a church critic and a truth seeker? What makes people church critic? You can find a thousand things wrong with any church, you just can, if you are looking. I don't want to be a looker, but i want to find truth and i want to embrace truth and i want people to embrace me in truth.
I have heard some people talk about church being a place where they and their friends get together on the beach and talk about God. And when it rains, they go to IHop and talk about God. The God of thier lives. The God that sometimes they doubt and the God that works miricles in their souls everyday. I want to be in this place.
Somehow it seems like church to me has become some sort of a battle. People keep saying to me that this difficult situation in my church will be over next year when i go off to college and i live the rest of my life, but what if i'm just a church critic? Could that be possible? Am I so damaged that I'll never be free of my church criticism? Not uless God becomes less powerful. But I don't want to be a church critic now. I want to be a person who revels in the love we were created to have for community. I want to be a person who becomes less judgemental of the people and less focused on the politics.
I have also heard sunday church be described as a mountain vista. Its the time when you go and acknowledge who God is and look down the canyon of the mountain he has brought you up and just rejoice with all the other travelers. but somehow its become a comparison match. Its become a critic match. Do I have to stop seeing sunday church as a mountain vista if nobody else there sees it that way? I don't think so. Maybe. I guess thats the question.
I don't want to be a selective truth accepter either. I don't want the truth that God is teaching me to be blocked by the bitterness that comes from being a church critic. Sometimes I just wonder if I am looking for a place to hear what I want to hear.
I need a source of truth outside of myself and outside of other people. abba, I need your truth, now, more than ever. Don't let me be a church critic, don't let me develope a tendency to chuch critique, just help me through this time. I think I am avoiding being real with you becuase I am afraid you will yell at me for being wrong. Do you do that to your children? So Abba, here's the truth. I don't know what the truth is. I don't know if I am believing a lie that I am a church critic when you really want to teach me something here and you want to use me to break open these chains of lie. It kind of feels like i'm being the stick you beat the rock with. It hurts. I'm getting a headache. Abba, I am never condemned becuase of who i am in Christ. I feel condemned. I feel wrong. I feel lonely. But I have faith that you are carrying me through this becuase you are only good. I trust you because you only do good. Speak into my heart today. I run to your arms.
How do you find the difference between being a church critic and a truth seeker? What makes people church critic? You can find a thousand things wrong with any church, you just can, if you are looking. I don't want to be a looker, but i want to find truth and i want to embrace truth and i want people to embrace me in truth.
I have heard some people talk about church being a place where they and their friends get together on the beach and talk about God. And when it rains, they go to IHop and talk about God. The God of thier lives. The God that sometimes they doubt and the God that works miricles in their souls everyday. I want to be in this place.
Somehow it seems like church to me has become some sort of a battle. People keep saying to me that this difficult situation in my church will be over next year when i go off to college and i live the rest of my life, but what if i'm just a church critic? Could that be possible? Am I so damaged that I'll never be free of my church criticism? Not uless God becomes less powerful. But I don't want to be a church critic now. I want to be a person who revels in the love we were created to have for community. I want to be a person who becomes less judgemental of the people and less focused on the politics.
I have also heard sunday church be described as a mountain vista. Its the time when you go and acknowledge who God is and look down the canyon of the mountain he has brought you up and just rejoice with all the other travelers. but somehow its become a comparison match. Its become a critic match. Do I have to stop seeing sunday church as a mountain vista if nobody else there sees it that way? I don't think so. Maybe. I guess thats the question.
I don't want to be a selective truth accepter either. I don't want the truth that God is teaching me to be blocked by the bitterness that comes from being a church critic. Sometimes I just wonder if I am looking for a place to hear what I want to hear.
I need a source of truth outside of myself and outside of other people. abba, I need your truth, now, more than ever. Don't let me be a church critic, don't let me develope a tendency to chuch critique, just help me through this time. I think I am avoiding being real with you becuase I am afraid you will yell at me for being wrong. Do you do that to your children? So Abba, here's the truth. I don't know what the truth is. I don't know if I am believing a lie that I am a church critic when you really want to teach me something here and you want to use me to break open these chains of lie. It kind of feels like i'm being the stick you beat the rock with. It hurts. I'm getting a headache. Abba, I am never condemned becuase of who i am in Christ. I feel condemned. I feel wrong. I feel lonely. But I have faith that you are carrying me through this becuase you are only good. I trust you because you only do good. Speak into my heart today. I run to your arms.
Friday, January 14
The Power of Love
About a month ago, I had an life-changing revelation in my P.E. class. Or maybe it could be labeled as one more log on the burning fire God has placed inside me, but ever since then, something inside me just screams "More!"
Everyone knows that the environment of the Physical Education department in most school has extreme potential for damage in the lives of young souls- as soon as we enter the gym, somehow we forget that yes, we are still people, not animals running after our prey. There is a girl in my PE class who was born with a weak heart or too early or something and so is quite obviously at a serious disadvantage to those who were born with the runner's gene, but she has the most beautiful spirit, soaring, laughing; many a time our good locker-room laughs come from her ability to laugh at herself. M y heart goes out to her need for love and acceptance and she encourages me to love despite the inability of others to earn it.
This incident a month or so ago involved this girl and the game of pickle-ball. Great stuff. We were playing pairs and this beautiful sweet girl fell victim to the last-picked-syndrome and was paired with a person who only chose to be her partner out of pity and probably some amount of guilt and did not try very hard to conceal it. As my pair and I played against my young friend and her muttering partner, I noticed that he was very upset about the circumstances. He made note to us that we ought to change the rules in order to allow their team a few points, something i didn't mind as far as the competition, but it broke my heart to see the feelings of a person be put behind the points of a game that won't even matter in 10 or at the latest, 20 minutes.
It really got me to thinking. When I am in PE class, I have little to gain in terms of athletic stature or olympic fame, but I have the most amazing opportunity to communicate to my classmates their worth regardless of thier ability to rake in the points. How do we as human beings miss this point so severly? sin, i suppose.
In the past few months I have just begun to understand a tiny peice of the depth of God's love. It wasn't really something I paid attention to that much in the past. yeah, yeah, God loves me. duh. read it. got it. lets move on to the really concrete stuff that I can put on my resume. But as I begin to pay attention to this thing that really makes my heart beat, the more i find that this is really the whole point.
In the end, God doesn't care how many pickle-ball points I make, but he does care about the soul of my friend which is damaged a little more each time she is reduced to less of them. I confess, i did not choose to play pairs with my disadvantaged friend becuase I wanted to enjoy the victory instead of her company. Unfortunately, her partner was also missing the most vital peice to his game- the opportunity to know love manifested in another person, even as such a strange place as the pickleball court.
As I begin to contemplate what to write for yet another college essay, I thought about my internship teaching art and the kind of teacher i want to be if this is the road God wants to take my down, and I kept coming back to the fact that so many kids get taught crap they don't care about by people who think they are doing these students a favor by maintaining their sense of worth in what they do. Specifically as an art teacher, i think the art classroom is the scariest place to be for a student, especially an insecure one, to be. As a person who finds art to be second-nature, you will probably find it surprising to know that I know this fear becuase it is very much mine- being an art student under the direction of an unaccepting teacher is tedious ground. I want to be a teacher who teachs with a love that "drives out all fear." I want to be a PE student that plays basketball with a love that "drives out all fear."
What a broken world we must live in where people must deny their deepest longing for love in hope that they can score enough points on the pickleball court in order to fill it somehow.
Abba, thank you for Hannah. Thank you for making her the way you did for a purpose and thank you for making part of that purpose be for me. Make me into a person who understands your perfect love that drives out all fear and use me to pour out that fearless love on those I teach and those I play against in PE.
Everyone knows that the environment of the Physical Education department in most school has extreme potential for damage in the lives of young souls- as soon as we enter the gym, somehow we forget that yes, we are still people, not animals running after our prey. There is a girl in my PE class who was born with a weak heart or too early or something and so is quite obviously at a serious disadvantage to those who were born with the runner's gene, but she has the most beautiful spirit, soaring, laughing; many a time our good locker-room laughs come from her ability to laugh at herself. M y heart goes out to her need for love and acceptance and she encourages me to love despite the inability of others to earn it.
This incident a month or so ago involved this girl and the game of pickle-ball. Great stuff. We were playing pairs and this beautiful sweet girl fell victim to the last-picked-syndrome and was paired with a person who only chose to be her partner out of pity and probably some amount of guilt and did not try very hard to conceal it. As my pair and I played against my young friend and her muttering partner, I noticed that he was very upset about the circumstances. He made note to us that we ought to change the rules in order to allow their team a few points, something i didn't mind as far as the competition, but it broke my heart to see the feelings of a person be put behind the points of a game that won't even matter in 10 or at the latest, 20 minutes.
It really got me to thinking. When I am in PE class, I have little to gain in terms of athletic stature or olympic fame, but I have the most amazing opportunity to communicate to my classmates their worth regardless of thier ability to rake in the points. How do we as human beings miss this point so severly? sin, i suppose.
In the past few months I have just begun to understand a tiny peice of the depth of God's love. It wasn't really something I paid attention to that much in the past. yeah, yeah, God loves me. duh. read it. got it. lets move on to the really concrete stuff that I can put on my resume. But as I begin to pay attention to this thing that really makes my heart beat, the more i find that this is really the whole point.
In the end, God doesn't care how many pickle-ball points I make, but he does care about the soul of my friend which is damaged a little more each time she is reduced to less of them. I confess, i did not choose to play pairs with my disadvantaged friend becuase I wanted to enjoy the victory instead of her company. Unfortunately, her partner was also missing the most vital peice to his game- the opportunity to know love manifested in another person, even as such a strange place as the pickleball court.
As I begin to contemplate what to write for yet another college essay, I thought about my internship teaching art and the kind of teacher i want to be if this is the road God wants to take my down, and I kept coming back to the fact that so many kids get taught crap they don't care about by people who think they are doing these students a favor by maintaining their sense of worth in what they do. Specifically as an art teacher, i think the art classroom is the scariest place to be for a student, especially an insecure one, to be. As a person who finds art to be second-nature, you will probably find it surprising to know that I know this fear becuase it is very much mine- being an art student under the direction of an unaccepting teacher is tedious ground. I want to be a teacher who teachs with a love that "drives out all fear." I want to be a PE student that plays basketball with a love that "drives out all fear."
What a broken world we must live in where people must deny their deepest longing for love in hope that they can score enough points on the pickleball court in order to fill it somehow.
Abba, thank you for Hannah. Thank you for making her the way you did for a purpose and thank you for making part of that purpose be for me. Make me into a person who understands your perfect love that drives out all fear and use me to pour out that fearless love on those I teach and those I play against in PE.
Thursday, January 13
I don't think i've been really honest. The reason that I have a hard time trusting those who i need to trust most is becuase I haven't felt like I am trustworthy myself. Somehow along the way I have believed this lie that no one understands where I am (except for a few that I select and then cling too hard to) and they nevcer will. I get to believing that if I let people know that I have my own opinions and I have a few problems with the way I've been living and have been encouraged to live, somehow people will think that I think I am better-- so I start thinking those things about myself before anyone else does.
I have realized that I just need to talk to people more. I am a very selective talker- that is, when I have something serious and direct to say to someone, it becomes built up in my mind like this mamoth speech that I must rehearse and I feel like if one word is out of place, the person will not understand my meaning. sometimes I am amazed at the depth of my tangled complexities.
Anyway, one of the biggest things that screw me up is when I fail to be real with people. I can be transparent for a while but then these ugly lies seem to seep into my being and make me self-concious, keep me from seeing that part of grace where I can trust that who I am- every little peice, good and bad, are all part of who God made me and those are the things that he wants to be part of me right now.
Honesty is such a good thing. And doesn't it seem like everytime Satan wants to trip us up he uses something related to lying? Thanks Abby, for un-clouding my glass tonight, for showing me that I'm not a terrible person, just a little dirty.
I have realized that I just need to talk to people more. I am a very selective talker- that is, when I have something serious and direct to say to someone, it becomes built up in my mind like this mamoth speech that I must rehearse and I feel like if one word is out of place, the person will not understand my meaning. sometimes I am amazed at the depth of my tangled complexities.
Anyway, one of the biggest things that screw me up is when I fail to be real with people. I can be transparent for a while but then these ugly lies seem to seep into my being and make me self-concious, keep me from seeing that part of grace where I can trust that who I am- every little peice, good and bad, are all part of who God made me and those are the things that he wants to be part of me right now.
Honesty is such a good thing. And doesn't it seem like everytime Satan wants to trip us up he uses something related to lying? Thanks Abby, for un-clouding my glass tonight, for showing me that I'm not a terrible person, just a little dirty.
oh, what to blog.... do you ever feel like you have things you need to get out of your head but aren't sure how do to that save screaming a series of incoherent sylables?
I can't figure out how my life can be so inconsistent. There are many times I feel like the person I am for real is only exposed in certain places and the rest is hidden in the closet or left in the car. This is how I feel around my family and the people in my church, which seems very strange, but then again pretty normal.
I hate being skeptical of the people i want to love the most and the people I need to trust the most. But this is how my life is spent. Like my past with my family and church is so covered with blemish and mess that there is no place left to stand. and so I cling on to the edge with my fingernails. And so somehow I miss this great big wonderfulness of frolicing through the feilds of God's grace and truth. It sucks.
Lately I have been in my phase of church-dreading. For those of you who know me best, you know what I am talking about. That may be about 2 people. maybe 5 on a good day. its strange becuase I want to go because there is not one person there who I do not love deeply, but I am afraid of something; I build a wall as soon as the teaching begins. I feel as though I am going to loose my grip on this new, deeper, more relavant and less political way of living if I let my guard down- like there is nothing holding me back if i don't dig my nails in. It makes for a nice pot of bitterness and guilt that I just can't figure out. Many times I think i just need to let it go, get really into it, forget my qualms and concerns and issues, but i just can't. I can't live my life accepting things so that I don't have to fight these internal battles.
The most logical thing I can come up with (which may be my problem in the first place) is that I am not trusting God to teach me the things he wants to teach me and let the rest go and that he is also making these people who believe these crippling ideas into something better- just in his time. I mean, I guess following that idea would be the best, but somehow i just can't wrap my fingers around it. I don't get it. So here I am, frustrated. Loving the people, hating the argument I feel I must always defend. Its like torment. And then a little more guilt gets piled on that I missed some important thing God was wanting to tell me that day becuase I was angry and frustrated instead of just sitting still. Augh. I guess thats part of being a broken person and asking, needing somebody else to fix me.
I seem to have the same sort of thing with my family. People say that it is important that kids have faith that is their own and not their parents' faith, but I feel like I have gone so far from my parents faith that we don't even believe the same thing anymore. I mean, we still believe in Jesus and God and all the important stuff (or my mom anyway) but from there I feel like its totally different. My family lives in this place where God is a formula, a parking meter you need to keep refilling before you get a ticket, that sort of thing. And my biggest frustration is being able to loose this illusion, just letting go. Realizing its not really true. I don't know. I just don't know.
I feel like lately the only things I have to blog about are things that really tick me off. Really great encouraging stuff. I have really great things going on, my life is great, but again, that inconsistency. like everything is great, I can rest in God for all this.... just not this. So much for having it all together, I guess. anyway, I feel like this blog just needs to end in a cyber shrug and a Thank you Abba, that you know the answers to all these questions and you are not condemning me becuase sometimes I can be a really big jerk to the people you have put in my life as leaders and teachers. Thanks that you have made me alive today because you have a good purpose for me. Thank you that you are going to show me all i need to know in your due time, even if thats 50 years from now. Thank you that you are going to sustain me for all that time, even though I really want to throw something across the room right at this moment. And thank you that you are in control of who I am and that you aren't going to let all that you have taught me unravel and you are in control of the hearts of the people at Grace, not me. Thank you for the changes you are making that I do not see and thank you for the ones that I do see but am to angry right now to fully appreciate. Fix me, Lord Jesus. I feel like I am really broken right now, but still trying to hold myself togther. Finish breaking me and then fix me.
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phillipans 1:6
I can't figure out how my life can be so inconsistent. There are many times I feel like the person I am for real is only exposed in certain places and the rest is hidden in the closet or left in the car. This is how I feel around my family and the people in my church, which seems very strange, but then again pretty normal.
I hate being skeptical of the people i want to love the most and the people I need to trust the most. But this is how my life is spent. Like my past with my family and church is so covered with blemish and mess that there is no place left to stand. and so I cling on to the edge with my fingernails. And so somehow I miss this great big wonderfulness of frolicing through the feilds of God's grace and truth. It sucks.
Lately I have been in my phase of church-dreading. For those of you who know me best, you know what I am talking about. That may be about 2 people. maybe 5 on a good day. its strange becuase I want to go because there is not one person there who I do not love deeply, but I am afraid of something; I build a wall as soon as the teaching begins. I feel as though I am going to loose my grip on this new, deeper, more relavant and less political way of living if I let my guard down- like there is nothing holding me back if i don't dig my nails in. It makes for a nice pot of bitterness and guilt that I just can't figure out. Many times I think i just need to let it go, get really into it, forget my qualms and concerns and issues, but i just can't. I can't live my life accepting things so that I don't have to fight these internal battles.
The most logical thing I can come up with (which may be my problem in the first place) is that I am not trusting God to teach me the things he wants to teach me and let the rest go and that he is also making these people who believe these crippling ideas into something better- just in his time. I mean, I guess following that idea would be the best, but somehow i just can't wrap my fingers around it. I don't get it. So here I am, frustrated. Loving the people, hating the argument I feel I must always defend. Its like torment. And then a little more guilt gets piled on that I missed some important thing God was wanting to tell me that day becuase I was angry and frustrated instead of just sitting still. Augh. I guess thats part of being a broken person and asking, needing somebody else to fix me.
I seem to have the same sort of thing with my family. People say that it is important that kids have faith that is their own and not their parents' faith, but I feel like I have gone so far from my parents faith that we don't even believe the same thing anymore. I mean, we still believe in Jesus and God and all the important stuff (or my mom anyway) but from there I feel like its totally different. My family lives in this place where God is a formula, a parking meter you need to keep refilling before you get a ticket, that sort of thing. And my biggest frustration is being able to loose this illusion, just letting go. Realizing its not really true. I don't know. I just don't know.
I feel like lately the only things I have to blog about are things that really tick me off. Really great encouraging stuff. I have really great things going on, my life is great, but again, that inconsistency. like everything is great, I can rest in God for all this.... just not this. So much for having it all together, I guess. anyway, I feel like this blog just needs to end in a cyber shrug and a Thank you Abba, that you know the answers to all these questions and you are not condemning me becuase sometimes I can be a really big jerk to the people you have put in my life as leaders and teachers. Thanks that you have made me alive today because you have a good purpose for me. Thank you that you are going to show me all i need to know in your due time, even if thats 50 years from now. Thank you that you are going to sustain me for all that time, even though I really want to throw something across the room right at this moment. And thank you that you are in control of who I am and that you aren't going to let all that you have taught me unravel and you are in control of the hearts of the people at Grace, not me. Thank you for the changes you are making that I do not see and thank you for the ones that I do see but am to angry right now to fully appreciate. Fix me, Lord Jesus. I feel like I am really broken right now, but still trying to hold myself togther. Finish breaking me and then fix me.
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phillipans 1:6
Sunday, January 9
I have been questioning myself a lot in the past few weeks. Questioning my motives, searching my own heart for fear there may be something wrong, missing, out of place. Somehow today I have gotten out of the accepting arms of my father and have let some lies seep into the joy and peace I had from Abba-- its been contaminated somehow.
I've been struggling with my church (again). Or maybe i've been struggling with me, i don't know. Right now I am reading through Don Miller's "Searching for God knows what," which is very much about breaking free of religious formula and embracing the wonder of relationship. The book is very good and speaks to my heart a great deal, but I am back in that place where I have begun to look at the people in my life and it has seemed that these ideas really clash with the world in which i live.
In my sunday school class, we are going through this curriciulum in which the Descipleship of Christ is broken down into formula and trying harder- two ideas that I am frantically running from and dying to set others free from. It is so frustrating that going into that class for me becomes fighting a battle; I feel like I am defending the truth against these graceless lies-- it is as if I am Joan of Arc or something.
And I wonder if what I am doing is really to honor God and set people free or some attempt to reclaim the years of my life that were damaged by these lies. I mean, if it were really just to set people free, not to prove that I am better and have found the real truth, I don't think I would see it as a battle against people. I come out of class feeling defeated, like the teacher has once again reeled these people into his lies. I hate it. I want to be in a place where I can love freely without feeling like I have to fix something, something I am doomed to fail at. Abba, heal this in me somehow. I don't even exactly know what it is, but heal my heart.
I just feel off track. I'm off track with who I am... or maybe I just don't think that i am being the person up to my own standards. I tend to think this way often- I have this vision of myself that I ought to be, this perfect figure of myself that must be neccessary to get cookies and pats on the back from other poeple, when really, i just need to focus on who God says I am and be content that he has done all he wants to do for now. Accept that I am accepted.
Those of you who are reading this, please pray against these lies that seem to be invading my life. Pray for clarity in my heart, accptance that I am accepted, regardless if other poeple believe the same thing i do or accept me for it.
I've been struggling with my church (again). Or maybe i've been struggling with me, i don't know. Right now I am reading through Don Miller's "Searching for God knows what," which is very much about breaking free of religious formula and embracing the wonder of relationship. The book is very good and speaks to my heart a great deal, but I am back in that place where I have begun to look at the people in my life and it has seemed that these ideas really clash with the world in which i live.
In my sunday school class, we are going through this curriciulum in which the Descipleship of Christ is broken down into formula and trying harder- two ideas that I am frantically running from and dying to set others free from. It is so frustrating that going into that class for me becomes fighting a battle; I feel like I am defending the truth against these graceless lies-- it is as if I am Joan of Arc or something.
And I wonder if what I am doing is really to honor God and set people free or some attempt to reclaim the years of my life that were damaged by these lies. I mean, if it were really just to set people free, not to prove that I am better and have found the real truth, I don't think I would see it as a battle against people. I come out of class feeling defeated, like the teacher has once again reeled these people into his lies. I hate it. I want to be in a place where I can love freely without feeling like I have to fix something, something I am doomed to fail at. Abba, heal this in me somehow. I don't even exactly know what it is, but heal my heart.
I just feel off track. I'm off track with who I am... or maybe I just don't think that i am being the person up to my own standards. I tend to think this way often- I have this vision of myself that I ought to be, this perfect figure of myself that must be neccessary to get cookies and pats on the back from other poeple, when really, i just need to focus on who God says I am and be content that he has done all he wants to do for now. Accept that I am accepted.
Those of you who are reading this, please pray against these lies that seem to be invading my life. Pray for clarity in my heart, accptance that I am accepted, regardless if other poeple believe the same thing i do or accept me for it.
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