i've just finished listening to Rob Bell's teaching on salvation being a way in which we are made completely whole, salvation as a holistic influence on our entire beings. This is something that is always on my mind, but has been more toward the front in the past few weeks, especially in the area of finding healing in my family. I come from a family of deep, deep pain, spilinters that are festering and pussing and have been under clasped, hiding hands for a number of generations, and it seems that it is my generation in which God has chosen to begin that healing process.
I want to find healing for myself. I want to be free of this junk, this stuff in my life, of these people who have the ability to swing swords and then pick the scabs. I want to not be one of these people, I want to cycle to end with me. For the past few years, God has been doing huge stuff, really tearing our lives apart, but I know there are still things that aren't done, things that i gaze off into the distance for and become anxious, wonder what else i could be doing to speed up the process.
And as i comtemplate my life, all that i want to see different in my family, I see myself as very fearful, a little girl cowering in the corner. A verse that has had duel affects on me is Romans 8:15, "For you did not recieve a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you recieved the spirit of sonship, by which we cry, "Abba," Father." I used to hear verses that refer to not having a spirit of fear and become ashamed that I had fear. But this verse is refreshing maybe even because of the deeply personal implications and the way it hits my life on the head.
When I think about interaction with my dad specifically, i think this is the place where i become afraid. I hate that feeling, but its the truth. In his message, Rob Bell was talking about this man who traced his geneology back as far as it could go and he dove deep into the junk of his family's past, found out about it and made sense of why he does what he does. And in that illustration, something in me just said, "YEs! I want to do that!" but i don't even know much about my own dad's past and for some reason am afraid to ask. Its a painful past, a pain that you can see in his eyes, but is shrugged off and shoved down a little farther it seems. Its painful.
A few weeks ago, i took a camping trip with my family. During the trip, i was thinking a lot about why we can't choose just to love each other, why we bicker and fight instead of just letting the little things go. But sometime after having this thought, it occured to me that things go much much deeper in families, in my familiy. There are deep wounds, open flesh that get brushed and bumped and all we can do is hollar. it hurts and its not just about who clears the table. its deep. and i would like to uncover the wounds and find healing.
But I am afraid. I can't do it alone. But its something i want. I remember many years ago, there was an article in Brio magazine about dating and it gave a number of questions to consider knowing who you are before entering into these types of relationships. One of the few questions i remember on the list was What one thing would you give anything for? And strangely enough, my answer was that i would give anything to see love and healing come into my family... and only a few months later God began picking at those wounds, totally rearranging our lives to begin that process in a very painful way. I have never experienced pain the way I did during that time.
And so here I am, facing the rest of my life. In less than three weeks, I will begin my official journey of adulthood and i am wondering when and how i can find this healing. I have faced this question many times in the past year as i have begged God to allow me to run from it, to simply move on with my life and take the scars and leave the rest in the gutter, hopefully forgotten. Thankfully, he said no. And so i face my future reality with maybe a few more questions, the hope of finding the strength to look at the blood and allow him to clean it up.
Healing. Just now thinking about the concept of it, i think healing is something that often seems unfathomable to the sick. When you are the one in need of the healing, the burden seems so great that the idea of actually walking someday is beyond your reach. But there is a healer who has seen it all, who knows the pain of it all, and is dying to see our new lives. Just as we delight in being his vessel of healing, we cannot even imagine his delight in seeing us healed. Seeing me healed.
So those of you out there, please be in prayer for me. Have you ever had a goal that just seems too large to even get your mind around actually pursuing? I need your help, your prayers, your support. Please ask me the hard questions, pray that this coming year would be one of tremendous awakening, of hope and crazy answers beyond my imagination. This is a very long journey that i hope some day to see the end of so i can begin a whole new one.
Abba, my Father, you know my heart tonight. You know how just the word healing brings the hope of fresh air. Bring wholeness and healing to my bones, give me patience for the bandages and wounds that are still there. Give me courage to face the things I so greatly fear, continually remind me that my spirit really isn't one of fear and that you are a Father to the fatherless, the one who i can always run too. You are teaching me to stop hiding from you and begin hiding in you. Take this year ahead of me, even these few weeks, even this next day, these next moments, make them full of your healing, your refreshing. So often when i think of this place I am in, i think of it as in the midst of a rushing river. Sometimes the current seems to die down and i don't feel as chilled to the bone, but there are other times when i must look to my right and to my left and see you there. I remember thinking not too long ago that the only thing i can do is thank you for placing me in the family you have placed me in because somehow this is good- everything you do is good. So Abba, give me patience and contentment, even on the days it hurts the most, on the days when i just want to run and hide. Bring me out of hiding, banish my fear so that I can see you in all your glory.
Thank you Abba, that your work is healing, that you have begun your restoration in me. I am in the middle of it now and you are planning to take me farther, that the working out of the salvation is a beautiful work, a relvelation of a new wonder each day. Lord God, I am overwhelmed by all the junk I need to wade through still, but Abba God, I know you are already ahead of it and you will direct each step at the proper time.
Saturday, July 30
Monday, July 25
Hyperventalation interrupted by an occassional relaxation
So today was my first day back to work in about a month... I was scared.
I am at the time of my life where I continually want to jump the gun. I keep having these little glimpses of what my life is going to be like, seeing people i want to be like, seeing lives that i hope my life somehow resembles, wondering if i will be there, when the time will come. I really love my job. I love that I get sort of a sneak peek on college life, but it continually causes me to consider my own identity. who am i now, where am i coming from, and where is this going to take me in the coming months? Lots of questions. Lots of anxieties. Lots of excitement.
I am finding myself overwhelmed a great deal of the time. I find myself walking behing the engineering building over my lunch break and then realizing that I must remind myself to breathe, to trust, to wait. I feel like I am going through this continual cycle of longing and reminding. Longing for the dim future i cannot even begin to fathom. Reminding myself that for everything there is a time, and that there is someone very great walking beside me, surrounding me, going before me and taking care of all the uncertainties. A God who peacefully says, "judge nothing before the appointed time." A God who's peaceful words open my tear ducts and allows everything that i am feeling to pour out of my soul, tears that bring air to the lungs.
Have you ever had one of those really good cries where everything just seems to fall out of your body, those cleansing tears that somehow make you feel so much better? those tears that seem to clear your lungs, your stomache, your mind, your spirit?
Something I love about YLI is the way it stretches my definition of worship. Every year i come back with a bigger, freer, fresher view of what it means to simply worship. There was one day inparticular at TEAM where i felt incredibly heavy; i felt somber and it seemed everything had a way of moving me deeply. But it was like i wanted something in my just to break free. Throughout general session, I felt like something was wrong, something totally distracting, thoughts of failure and wrongness totally bombarding my mind, but it was one of the most moving nights of the whole thing.
I love how God moves, how he just totally rearranges our hearts when we have even a tiny bit of faith, even a little bit of strength to open our hearts in that way. That night, through the worship response time, all i could do was pour out tears. The focus of the night was about living out our faith in practical ways, totally giving ourselves over in faith and it was like God was saying, "look, this is how you can pour yourself out to me. This pouring out is so cleansing, exactly what you need." It was so cool becuase i never saw sobbing as a form of worship, but that night God took my view of worship and expanded it.
So now, here I am. Back in life. But somehow wanting to communicate this place to all of you out there. I feel like my life is a continual rebalancing of my heart from anxiety to trust, anxiety to trust, anxiety to trust. Anxiety to trust. And this seems to be mirroring the motion of my lungs, the beat of my heart. it is how I maintain my life, by giving it back to God with each breath out.
Abba God, thank you for going with me, for going ahead of me, for making me what you have made me, placing me where you want me and reassuring me that you are still in charge and you are going ahead of me to prepare all these things that i just doing seem to understand. Thank you God, that you are totally ahead of me, that I can see you standing in the doorway of my hall, standing in that place where i have walked to many times, wondering how i will ever make it, how i will be free of these restrictions i feel. Thank you that you are not finished with me yet, thank you for all the incredible things you are going to do in my in the next few months. I cannot wait to see those transformations in your child, to see how you draw me closer to you. Lord God, thank you for my every breath. thank you for the tears and thank you that i can take anything to you, that to say that you are my friend just seems too shallow, so inadequate. Thank you for being my Daddy. Thank you for holding my hand tight, walking beside me, guiding me, understanding when I fall and kneeling to gently touch my wounds. Thank you for expanding my view of you. Thank you for renewing my mind, for daily making my eyes to see life in a totally different light. Lord God, thank you for making me able to express all of this, for making it possible for me to lay one more stone here at this altar where i can return when i need to see you, simply when i want to see me in your light. Thank you for the days in the future when i will come back to this point and say, "YES! I remember those days of restless panting and look at where those spurts of trust have carried me." thank you that you allow me to cross all of those bridges when i come to them-- thank you for allowing me the confidence of knowing those bridges are there.
I am at the time of my life where I continually want to jump the gun. I keep having these little glimpses of what my life is going to be like, seeing people i want to be like, seeing lives that i hope my life somehow resembles, wondering if i will be there, when the time will come. I really love my job. I love that I get sort of a sneak peek on college life, but it continually causes me to consider my own identity. who am i now, where am i coming from, and where is this going to take me in the coming months? Lots of questions. Lots of anxieties. Lots of excitement.
I am finding myself overwhelmed a great deal of the time. I find myself walking behing the engineering building over my lunch break and then realizing that I must remind myself to breathe, to trust, to wait. I feel like I am going through this continual cycle of longing and reminding. Longing for the dim future i cannot even begin to fathom. Reminding myself that for everything there is a time, and that there is someone very great walking beside me, surrounding me, going before me and taking care of all the uncertainties. A God who peacefully says, "judge nothing before the appointed time." A God who's peaceful words open my tear ducts and allows everything that i am feeling to pour out of my soul, tears that bring air to the lungs.
Have you ever had one of those really good cries where everything just seems to fall out of your body, those cleansing tears that somehow make you feel so much better? those tears that seem to clear your lungs, your stomache, your mind, your spirit?
Something I love about YLI is the way it stretches my definition of worship. Every year i come back with a bigger, freer, fresher view of what it means to simply worship. There was one day inparticular at TEAM where i felt incredibly heavy; i felt somber and it seemed everything had a way of moving me deeply. But it was like i wanted something in my just to break free. Throughout general session, I felt like something was wrong, something totally distracting, thoughts of failure and wrongness totally bombarding my mind, but it was one of the most moving nights of the whole thing.
I love how God moves, how he just totally rearranges our hearts when we have even a tiny bit of faith, even a little bit of strength to open our hearts in that way. That night, through the worship response time, all i could do was pour out tears. The focus of the night was about living out our faith in practical ways, totally giving ourselves over in faith and it was like God was saying, "look, this is how you can pour yourself out to me. This pouring out is so cleansing, exactly what you need." It was so cool becuase i never saw sobbing as a form of worship, but that night God took my view of worship and expanded it.
So now, here I am. Back in life. But somehow wanting to communicate this place to all of you out there. I feel like my life is a continual rebalancing of my heart from anxiety to trust, anxiety to trust, anxiety to trust. Anxiety to trust. And this seems to be mirroring the motion of my lungs, the beat of my heart. it is how I maintain my life, by giving it back to God with each breath out.
Abba God, thank you for going with me, for going ahead of me, for making me what you have made me, placing me where you want me and reassuring me that you are still in charge and you are going ahead of me to prepare all these things that i just doing seem to understand. Thank you God, that you are totally ahead of me, that I can see you standing in the doorway of my hall, standing in that place where i have walked to many times, wondering how i will ever make it, how i will be free of these restrictions i feel. Thank you that you are not finished with me yet, thank you for all the incredible things you are going to do in my in the next few months. I cannot wait to see those transformations in your child, to see how you draw me closer to you. Lord God, thank you for my every breath. thank you for the tears and thank you that i can take anything to you, that to say that you are my friend just seems too shallow, so inadequate. Thank you for being my Daddy. Thank you for holding my hand tight, walking beside me, guiding me, understanding when I fall and kneeling to gently touch my wounds. Thank you for expanding my view of you. Thank you for renewing my mind, for daily making my eyes to see life in a totally different light. Lord God, thank you for making me able to express all of this, for making it possible for me to lay one more stone here at this altar where i can return when i need to see you, simply when i want to see me in your light. Thank you for the days in the future when i will come back to this point and say, "YES! I remember those days of restless panting and look at where those spurts of trust have carried me." thank you that you allow me to cross all of those bridges when i come to them-- thank you for allowing me the confidence of knowing those bridges are there.
Friday, July 22
I've been sitting here for the past few minutes, just looking over my blog, giong all the way back to the beginning, sorting through some pretty crappy times the past year, but really just enjoying this thing that I have been blessed to create. I remember starting out these expressions, timidly wondering if what I had to say was worth reading, and i think there is nothing that brings me more joy than this small record of my life. i think God must have ordained blogs becuase they are such beautiful expressions of his creations. And you know, sometimes as I am just surfing the "blogosphere" as some people endearingly call it, I come across really painful stuff, heart-wrenching stuff, and I love it becuase these are God's people. Honest people who are tired of hiding their junk.
And I think the thing I love the most about my blog is that it is okay for me to write it simply with the intention of someone else reading and enjoying it. I think way too often we think it would be wrong of us to want another person to enjoy us. We hold ourselves off from loving ourselves and totally end up suffocating ourselves from the love God has created us to experience from other people. I know because this is a big hole that God has totally pulled me out of a zillion times and He is slowly filling it up so i can be free of it forever.
As i think over the past week or so at TEAM, my most overwhelming source of joy is my freedom from guilt over needing love. In the first few days I was so encouraged by people who simply said "I've been reading your blog and its great, "or even more simply "Yeah, I know who you are." We believe this lie that it is selfish for us to need other people-- as a matter of fact, we'll die without it. And i think we know deep down that this is lie, but to actually refute the lie requires vulnerability and sometimes a great deal of pain. So we justify it with thoughts like, "she's way out of my league, " or "I'm just not good enough," or "they just wouldn't understand," or maybe even, "I would never associate with her kind."
But you know what? Under all of our clothes, we're all naked. When I was waiting for my plane home from CA, i was sitting in a restuarant, overhearing a conversation between a customer and an employee about just normal stuff; they had found something in common while she ordered a taco and he rang it up. Airports always sort of give me a feeling of tension and mistrust, but I sat there are just thought, you know, we're all naked and we are all just people. Beautiful people with backgrounds of pain and brokenness, joy and love. Its how we are created.
So I just wanted to thank all of you who are part of my life, even if it is only through journeying with me here on this little webpage. Thank you, especially all of you TEAMer's. You have no idea how much you mean to me, how deeply God has used you in teaching me all of this wild, deep, almost foreign stuff about love and life. I couldn't have even begun to understand all this without you all.
And I think the thing I love the most about my blog is that it is okay for me to write it simply with the intention of someone else reading and enjoying it. I think way too often we think it would be wrong of us to want another person to enjoy us. We hold ourselves off from loving ourselves and totally end up suffocating ourselves from the love God has created us to experience from other people. I know because this is a big hole that God has totally pulled me out of a zillion times and He is slowly filling it up so i can be free of it forever.
As i think over the past week or so at TEAM, my most overwhelming source of joy is my freedom from guilt over needing love. In the first few days I was so encouraged by people who simply said "I've been reading your blog and its great, "or even more simply "Yeah, I know who you are." We believe this lie that it is selfish for us to need other people-- as a matter of fact, we'll die without it. And i think we know deep down that this is lie, but to actually refute the lie requires vulnerability and sometimes a great deal of pain. So we justify it with thoughts like, "she's way out of my league, " or "I'm just not good enough," or "they just wouldn't understand," or maybe even, "I would never associate with her kind."
But you know what? Under all of our clothes, we're all naked. When I was waiting for my plane home from CA, i was sitting in a restuarant, overhearing a conversation between a customer and an employee about just normal stuff; they had found something in common while she ordered a taco and he rang it up. Airports always sort of give me a feeling of tension and mistrust, but I sat there are just thought, you know, we're all naked and we are all just people. Beautiful people with backgrounds of pain and brokenness, joy and love. Its how we are created.
So I just wanted to thank all of you who are part of my life, even if it is only through journeying with me here on this little webpage. Thank you, especially all of you TEAMer's. You have no idea how much you mean to me, how deeply God has used you in teaching me all of this wild, deep, almost foreign stuff about love and life. I couldn't have even begun to understand all this without you all.
so it is so hot here in Colorado. according to theweatherchannel.com, it is exactly 100 degrees here and man, in my non-air conditioned house, it sure feels like it!! whoo!!
anyway, today has been an interesting day. I got home from Steamboat Lake at about 8:00 last night and i am so glad to be home. But today has been one of those days when you just wonder what exactly you are supposed to be doing and what seems to be missing. Do you ever have those days? sometimes its just like you get hit with the discouragement bomb.
In the same token, it has also been a good day of just wrestling and reflection-- its the first real day that i've been home in two weeks, although it feels like its been quite a while since i was just home in general. And being here doesn't exactly feel like being at home. My eyes are on my not so distant future when I will be moving to college, living with a perfect stranger, building my life around a great deal of uncertainties. As I posted a few weeks ago, it seems that my life is a very bumpy and uncertain ride at the moment, and all i can do is hold on.
The past few days I have spent at 8000 feet and 6 hours from home have given me some time to think, but definately not enough wisdom to nail down all the things that are going through my head. In fact, I think the hour or so I spent this morning and the conversations I have had earlier today may have brought more clarity than my days surrounded by the quiet beauty of nature.
The more and more I talk and think and discuss, the more i keep feeling out of breath, tired, lost. I am finding that the practice that brings the most clarity is quietness, acceptance of what is in the here and now, loving myself, the people in my life, my circumstances just as they are simply becuase I trust that God is in control and not me. I can trust that when God says "it is good" that includes the creating that he is doing in my life here and now.
My life is a bit of a whirlwind tour at the moment and i don't forsee anything about that changing in the next 4 years or so. But despite the craziness around me, I know that there is a quietness that i can seek. I know that even though my life seems to be spinning out of control, i am not obligated to catch up with it neccessarily. I think it saves a lot of time when I acknowledge that I am not responsible for my own life-- someone much more capable is in charge of it. And He is good.
So as I have sat an considered my life as it whizzes by today, i've decided to take a deep breath or two. there have been multiple times in the ten hours i've been awake today that i have had to remind myself to breath, i've had to remind myself that this grossness I feel about myself and my condition is only a result of the ample amount of sweat running down my face. There is grace for the sweat as well as the dirt that i can't seem to keep out of it.
And I am okay.
The future lies before me like a very large pot of trailmix, just out of reach. I'm at the place in my life where it seems that fifty roads cross and I am deciding which interchange i need to take at exactly the right moment. And it is as if God is teaching me to stop and read the map while he directs the traffic.
So the things that i hear when I am able to quiet my soul are the reality that my life is about love. I am seeing a transition in my soul from a person consumed with right and wrong, lists and boxes to a person "Seized by the power of a great affection." I am finding myself so comforted by the fact that i seem to be okay for now and when the bleeding starts, there is someone i can simply turn to patch me up-- no more holding the wounds. At TEAM, i was a little furstrated becuase i didn't feel like God was sending me any concrete theological messages. It seemed like the only thing he was saying was "I am Love. You are okay." The things i learned were relational, the establishment of possibly greater things to come.
So I have been focusing on the book of Ephesians for a while and most recently I have been chewing on chapters 4 and 5. I thought it was so great how chapter four is all about how we were once darkeness and now we are light and then the verse that i have really been thinking about is 5:1-2a, "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love" or as Peterson paraphrases in The Message:
"Watch what God does and the do ti, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. mostly what God does is love. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how christ loved us, his love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that."
So I have found comfort in knowing that God understands, he loves, he doesn't expect us to have it all together but to learn the life of love. So all i can do is wait, take a few breaths and simply be what I am before God, hold on tightly to the driftwood while the current flows past.
Abba God, Love, I am tired and weary today. I feel like hiding. I feel like if i could just get that one more thing done, THEN i would feel right and whole. If I just looked like that or felt this way, then i'd be okay. But you keep calling me out of the shadows, you keep telling me that it is okay, that someday this scorching, suffocating heat will go away and i will see what it true. Lord God, thank you for people. Thank you for bringing people into my life that let me know that it is okay to need them, it is okay to be naked before them so that I can also know its okay for me to be naked before you. God, I really just feel like hiding. I think it would be good for me to hide under all that I need to get done, if only i could take care of it all right now, then my life would be good. But all you call me to do is to be still and know that you are God. So Lord God, direct me tonight. Calm me tonight. teach me to breath as you take care of the rest.
Abba God, Love, I am tired and weary today. I feel like hiding. I feel like if i could just get that one more thing done, THEN i would feel right and whole. If I just looked like that or felt this way, then i'd be okay. But you keep calling me out of the shadows, you keep telling me that it is okay, that someday this scorching, suffocating heat will go away and i will see what it true. Lord God, thank you for people. Thank you for bringing people into my life that let me know that it is okay to need them, it is okay to be naked before them so that I can also know its okay for me to be naked before you. God, I really just feel like hiding. I think it would be good for me to hide under all that I need to get done, if only i could take care of it all right now, then my life would be good. But all you call me to do is to be still and know that you are God. So Lord God, direct me tonight. Calm me tonight. teach me to breath as you take care of the rest.
Saturday, July 16
A year later
I have been in colorado for approximately five hours and am so tired. My family is frantically running around getting ready for our camping trip tomorrow, but i wanted to take some time before i left and share a few preliminary thoughts about my past week at the YLI TEAM Conference.
I went into my second year as part of this community really wondering what this next leg of the journey was going to look like. To be honest, I didn't want to have any expectations, but really could not free myself from them. I was thinking that God would reveal some great theological truth or something along those lines. I was saying that I had no expectations, that I had no idea what God was going to say because i thought he was going to expand my mind in some way; I was leaving the information up to God but still dictating the form of communication, the area of study, if you will. But even just sitting here not even a day out of it, I am wondering if the struggle i had throughout the week was simply that i was looking for God in the wrong place.
One of the reasons that i went to the conference this year was because someone told me that it would challenge me relationally, that it would produce in me the ability to connect and make important connections with other people. looking back on that preface, I have seen totally answer that prayer-- the main areas that God has worked on me this week is not neccessarily on things that need to be fixed inside of me, but rather simply how i communicate the person that i am to other people. One of the things i love the most about the TEAM conference is coming home knowing that who I am is beautiful, feeling embraced and important, empowered to do what God is calling me to do not because I am really great and powerful, but simply becuase I am not alone.
One of my favorite things about this year was that I found a number of really deep friendships. I was so encouraged in the first few days of the conference that there were so many alumni who knew who I was, people who remembered me even though I met very few people personally last year. I have seen myself totally bond with the most unexpected people, really opened my heart to those who I feared, people i held myself from out of intimidation and judgement.
The past 9 days have been testiments to my soul that God really does heal our souls, and that even includes mine. I saw a freedom in myself that i have been praying to see, a freedom that i know has been a year-long work in my heart.
as I look at the way God has changed and equipped me, I have heard him whisper this week, "you are not only capable of showing my love to my children, I am calling you there, I am placing you in a very specific place in order to be a light and a healer for my hurting and dying children." I have really felt God's call upon my life to commit to loving and ministering to the many girls in my hall this coming semester. This week has really shown me that when I simply tap into my God-given passions, this is how people are reached. I want to be a person who knows how to party, how to show people that they need not deny who they are in order to fulfill the Kingdom of God, here and now.
Along those same lines, it has been interesting to see how God is working even in the few hours i have been home. while checking the big pile of mail i recived while I was gone, I opened a letter from CSU notifying me that my roommate has been changed. this is very interesting considering I had not been looking forward to the roommate I was originally assigned as we have already had a few run-ins. This week I have really been seeking God to give me love for this girl, asking him to strengthen me in some way to love her even when it was incredibly painful. I have not met my new roommate, but the idea of simply a second chance is incredibly refreshing.
One serious observation I made about myself this week was about who I choose to love. During one of the sessions, the speaker was teaching on the parable of the Good Samarintan, and he pointed out at the end of the story, Jesus never really answers the question, "who is my neighbor?" Instead Jesus simply challenges his questioner to define who was neighborly to the man who was loved. His point was this: Maybe Jesus isn't wanting us to ask WHO should we love, but rather, HOW we should love.
I really liked the point, but never really understood how that fit into my life until last night as we were sharing affirmations as a group. I was just sitting there thinking about a group of people who had been especially encouraging to me, some people that I feel like God had placed near to my heart, but also seemed to be near the hearts of many other people. Basically, these were people who I so appreciated thier love, but didn't really believe that they needed my love. My tendency is to admire certian people and then automatically assume that it would be more worth my time to reach out to people who I feel need others more. the problem with this is that I automatically 1) deprive myself of loving people from the depths of my heart 2) become the judge of who needs what and 3) begin to just love others out of obligation.
As I sat there, it was just like I had an epiphany. God has placed a certain love in my heart for certain people because he knows who he wants to use me in-- loving people simply because I am drawn to them is not wrong, it is God-given. THis week I have really learned that I am a terrible judge of who has it together and how i think i have the right to treat them a certain way based on this assumption. I have diven deep into the hearts of many people this week-- so many people I have think i have pegged have been in so much pain, have been just as confused, if not more than me.
When I limit myself to loving certain people for certain reasons and depriving myself the right to love those that i just love, how will I ever learn real love? this selection makes relationship a to-do list, not an "I just do" list. When I start considering who is my neighbor, regardless of whether or not I think they exist above or below me on the imaginary totem-pole, every relationship becomes a burden, an obligation; the thought of deciding who i should love most wears me out.
S0 Abba God, forgive me once again for setting myself up as any kind of judge. this is not my place. So many times I have kept myself from your blessing as well as deprived others of your love through me by my prejudice and my dependace upon guilt. I am definately not a master of this, but thank you Lord, for opening my eyes to the reality of how your kingdom works. God, I ask that you would renew my mind, continually chip away at the masterpeice inside this rock. Abba God, thank you for all that you have done in me, shown to me this week, even the things that are are yet appearant. Lord God, take these seeds and water, cultivate them in the depths of my soul. Take me day by day and open my eyes to see myself as the new creation you are continually making me. I cannot even begin to thank you for all you are, thank you for your biggness, your incomprehensible greatness in which I both loose and find myself. Set me free to love. Maybe I need a challenge to simply enjoy loving those who I seem to think need no love from me. How can i love those who are hard to love if i won't even allow myself to love those who are easy to love? So take me, Abba, make me what you want to come out of what I have seen of you.
I went into my second year as part of this community really wondering what this next leg of the journey was going to look like. To be honest, I didn't want to have any expectations, but really could not free myself from them. I was thinking that God would reveal some great theological truth or something along those lines. I was saying that I had no expectations, that I had no idea what God was going to say because i thought he was going to expand my mind in some way; I was leaving the information up to God but still dictating the form of communication, the area of study, if you will. But even just sitting here not even a day out of it, I am wondering if the struggle i had throughout the week was simply that i was looking for God in the wrong place.
One of the reasons that i went to the conference this year was because someone told me that it would challenge me relationally, that it would produce in me the ability to connect and make important connections with other people. looking back on that preface, I have seen totally answer that prayer-- the main areas that God has worked on me this week is not neccessarily on things that need to be fixed inside of me, but rather simply how i communicate the person that i am to other people. One of the things i love the most about the TEAM conference is coming home knowing that who I am is beautiful, feeling embraced and important, empowered to do what God is calling me to do not because I am really great and powerful, but simply becuase I am not alone.
One of my favorite things about this year was that I found a number of really deep friendships. I was so encouraged in the first few days of the conference that there were so many alumni who knew who I was, people who remembered me even though I met very few people personally last year. I have seen myself totally bond with the most unexpected people, really opened my heart to those who I feared, people i held myself from out of intimidation and judgement.
The past 9 days have been testiments to my soul that God really does heal our souls, and that even includes mine. I saw a freedom in myself that i have been praying to see, a freedom that i know has been a year-long work in my heart.
as I look at the way God has changed and equipped me, I have heard him whisper this week, "you are not only capable of showing my love to my children, I am calling you there, I am placing you in a very specific place in order to be a light and a healer for my hurting and dying children." I have really felt God's call upon my life to commit to loving and ministering to the many girls in my hall this coming semester. This week has really shown me that when I simply tap into my God-given passions, this is how people are reached. I want to be a person who knows how to party, how to show people that they need not deny who they are in order to fulfill the Kingdom of God, here and now.
Along those same lines, it has been interesting to see how God is working even in the few hours i have been home. while checking the big pile of mail i recived while I was gone, I opened a letter from CSU notifying me that my roommate has been changed. this is very interesting considering I had not been looking forward to the roommate I was originally assigned as we have already had a few run-ins. This week I have really been seeking God to give me love for this girl, asking him to strengthen me in some way to love her even when it was incredibly painful. I have not met my new roommate, but the idea of simply a second chance is incredibly refreshing.
One serious observation I made about myself this week was about who I choose to love. During one of the sessions, the speaker was teaching on the parable of the Good Samarintan, and he pointed out at the end of the story, Jesus never really answers the question, "who is my neighbor?" Instead Jesus simply challenges his questioner to define who was neighborly to the man who was loved. His point was this: Maybe Jesus isn't wanting us to ask WHO should we love, but rather, HOW we should love.
I really liked the point, but never really understood how that fit into my life until last night as we were sharing affirmations as a group. I was just sitting there thinking about a group of people who had been especially encouraging to me, some people that I feel like God had placed near to my heart, but also seemed to be near the hearts of many other people. Basically, these were people who I so appreciated thier love, but didn't really believe that they needed my love. My tendency is to admire certian people and then automatically assume that it would be more worth my time to reach out to people who I feel need others more. the problem with this is that I automatically 1) deprive myself of loving people from the depths of my heart 2) become the judge of who needs what and 3) begin to just love others out of obligation.
As I sat there, it was just like I had an epiphany. God has placed a certain love in my heart for certain people because he knows who he wants to use me in-- loving people simply because I am drawn to them is not wrong, it is God-given. THis week I have really learned that I am a terrible judge of who has it together and how i think i have the right to treat them a certain way based on this assumption. I have diven deep into the hearts of many people this week-- so many people I have think i have pegged have been in so much pain, have been just as confused, if not more than me.
When I limit myself to loving certain people for certain reasons and depriving myself the right to love those that i just love, how will I ever learn real love? this selection makes relationship a to-do list, not an "I just do" list. When I start considering who is my neighbor, regardless of whether or not I think they exist above or below me on the imaginary totem-pole, every relationship becomes a burden, an obligation; the thought of deciding who i should love most wears me out.
S0 Abba God, forgive me once again for setting myself up as any kind of judge. this is not my place. So many times I have kept myself from your blessing as well as deprived others of your love through me by my prejudice and my dependace upon guilt. I am definately not a master of this, but thank you Lord, for opening my eyes to the reality of how your kingdom works. God, I ask that you would renew my mind, continually chip away at the masterpeice inside this rock. Abba God, thank you for all that you have done in me, shown to me this week, even the things that are are yet appearant. Lord God, take these seeds and water, cultivate them in the depths of my soul. Take me day by day and open my eyes to see myself as the new creation you are continually making me. I cannot even begin to thank you for all you are, thank you for your biggness, your incomprehensible greatness in which I both loose and find myself. Set me free to love. Maybe I need a challenge to simply enjoy loving those who I seem to think need no love from me. How can i love those who are hard to love if i won't even allow myself to love those who are easy to love? So take me, Abba, make me what you want to come out of what I have seen of you.
Monday, July 4
I want to be a Jew for Jesus
Here in Greeley, we have one of the biggest best parades in the country for the 4th of July. In my family, the 4th is about the biggest thing there is. If Christmas didn't last a month, the 4th would easily win any competition around here.
This morning, as I sat on the parade route for the 18th time of my life, I watched the same people on the same floats promoting the same things as always, but there is one group inparticular that always touches a special place in my heart. Every year, the Jews for Jesus always dance in the parade. Their float is simple and so is their message: A pickup with a revolving banner with star of davids and the words "Jesus is the Messiah" in the back and absolutely crazy people dancing to praise music shouting and yelling. I think these people are the most memorable out of everyone.
Today, the thing most prominent that they were shouting was simply this "Freedom!! Thank God for Freedom." When they came down the street, i was so glad to have my sunglasses becuase I could not help but begin to cry. The passion of these people and thier unmistakable joy and sincerity is so encouraging to me. They always have the same thing written on their truck every year, i can't remember it word for word, but it is something about loving the middle east and allowing God to make peace there. The overwhelming thread of everything they do is God's love, God's forgiveness. They get this thing about caring for others right.
On top of my normal july 4th festivities, I also attended the wedding of one of my very best friends from Grace. On my drive home tonight, I saw a bumper sticker that was so great, so true, so important. It was black and it simply read: "God Bless All Nations." It was such a great reminder on such a day as this. Who are we in America to see ourselves superior to any other of God's creation? We are all God's, he has created us all. I think the slogan "God Bless America" is good in its own right, but i think too often we assume that we have some monopoly on God. The best thing for America is that God is providing what is best for the entire world. If things are good here, but terrible anywhere outside of our borders, i think that we need to question some of our practices, don't you?
So, Happy Independence Day. God Bless all Nations. What a gift of grace it is that we are involved in this blessing at all.
God Bless All Nations
This morning, as I sat on the parade route for the 18th time of my life, I watched the same people on the same floats promoting the same things as always, but there is one group inparticular that always touches a special place in my heart. Every year, the Jews for Jesus always dance in the parade. Their float is simple and so is their message: A pickup with a revolving banner with star of davids and the words "Jesus is the Messiah" in the back and absolutely crazy people dancing to praise music shouting and yelling. I think these people are the most memorable out of everyone.
Today, the thing most prominent that they were shouting was simply this "Freedom!! Thank God for Freedom." When they came down the street, i was so glad to have my sunglasses becuase I could not help but begin to cry. The passion of these people and thier unmistakable joy and sincerity is so encouraging to me. They always have the same thing written on their truck every year, i can't remember it word for word, but it is something about loving the middle east and allowing God to make peace there. The overwhelming thread of everything they do is God's love, God's forgiveness. They get this thing about caring for others right.
On top of my normal july 4th festivities, I also attended the wedding of one of my very best friends from Grace. On my drive home tonight, I saw a bumper sticker that was so great, so true, so important. It was black and it simply read: "God Bless All Nations." It was such a great reminder on such a day as this. Who are we in America to see ourselves superior to any other of God's creation? We are all God's, he has created us all. I think the slogan "God Bless America" is good in its own right, but i think too often we assume that we have some monopoly on God. The best thing for America is that God is providing what is best for the entire world. If things are good here, but terrible anywhere outside of our borders, i think that we need to question some of our practices, don't you?
So, Happy Independence Day. God Bless all Nations. What a gift of grace it is that we are involved in this blessing at all.
God Bless All Nations
Saturday, July 2
Feeling Small
Yesterday I completed "Preview," CSU's freshman orientation. My life is in an incredibly strange place right now. Until now, I haven't really even thought about how I might describe the landscape at this point. Probably a rushing river. On tuesday, the people in my class in my youth group took a trip to the Arkansass River to go white water rafting and I remember sitting there in the boat, thinking how appropriate the trip was as an illustration for the time of our lives. I am fiding that when i think of my identity, something comes up blank. Shifting sands would be a great way to describe everything.
I keep finding that I have been forced to change worlds and straddle between them very quickly lately. I am constantly reminded that my indentity cannot be tied to anything in this world because i just don't know. I don't know anything. I am having a hard time plunging into the world of the future while still trying to find closure to my old world. Things don't seem to be easily meshing.
I think in the midst of all this, I am finding myself feeling incredibly small. Stuck in the cracks somewhere. This is really the first time in my life I have been a real freshman, the first time when no one knows what is on my inside and I wonder how people percieve me. Maybe I am trying to find who I am by how other people see me and that just won't work. I have no idea what the perception is-- the mirror is very black. And its hard to find where I belong.
But I hope some day to simply get used to the rushing of the waves, be able to let go of those falsh branches and weak securities and simply hang on to the God who defines who I am, the God in which everything else is contained. I am finding that i must accept life as shipwrecked and simply hang on the God that is my driftwood.
And maybe here I will find that I am somehow able to survive this big river of life-- not on my own, but held tightly by the power of a great affection, trusting even when i can do nothing else. It is here that i will find that no one is less shipwrecked than me-- that I am worthy amoung the other drowning amoung me. And maybe I will learn that instead of pushing others down to keep myself afloat, we can work together to keep our heads above water, we can share the driftwood.
I keep finding that I have been forced to change worlds and straddle between them very quickly lately. I am constantly reminded that my indentity cannot be tied to anything in this world because i just don't know. I don't know anything. I am having a hard time plunging into the world of the future while still trying to find closure to my old world. Things don't seem to be easily meshing.
I think in the midst of all this, I am finding myself feeling incredibly small. Stuck in the cracks somewhere. This is really the first time in my life I have been a real freshman, the first time when no one knows what is on my inside and I wonder how people percieve me. Maybe I am trying to find who I am by how other people see me and that just won't work. I have no idea what the perception is-- the mirror is very black. And its hard to find where I belong.
But I hope some day to simply get used to the rushing of the waves, be able to let go of those falsh branches and weak securities and simply hang on to the God who defines who I am, the God in which everything else is contained. I am finding that i must accept life as shipwrecked and simply hang on the God that is my driftwood.
And maybe here I will find that I am somehow able to survive this big river of life-- not on my own, but held tightly by the power of a great affection, trusting even when i can do nothing else. It is here that i will find that no one is less shipwrecked than me-- that I am worthy amoung the other drowning amoung me. And maybe I will learn that instead of pushing others down to keep myself afloat, we can work together to keep our heads above water, we can share the driftwood.
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