He Knows What I Have Need of

FOr the past few days, I have been having a hard time sitting down and meeting with God in solitude; I don't know what to say in my prayers or read in His word. But I love how that doesn't stop God from speaking-- he knows what I have need of.

Toda after doing a little fake quiet time, I got up to do something else- and it was here, well, actually in my bathroom while i was blow-drying my hair, that God chipped a little bit away from his masterpeice he is making me to be today. He said, "I said love each other becuase I have first loved you, not becuase you have a debt to repay to me, but rather becuase you cannot understand how to love until you understand my love for you." Love one another becuase I have first loved you. At the time, it seemed like sort of a random topic for God to bring up-- I hadn't asked him about it, but he knew what I was in need of.

Lately I have been asking God what it means to "make desciples" and how to really care for someone without holding anything back. Isn't it weird how God ties things together that my brain is too small to connect. You cannot understand how to love others until you understand what love is from me.

After TEAM, for one fo the first times in my life, I felt loved. I had experienced God's love for me there- and coming back home I could walk without shame or self-condemnation. I knew I was loved. And as a result, I didn't see people by trying to figure out how they would weigh me on thier scales, but rather as people who need to experience that love of God too.

TEAM has been more than one hundred days past now; I worry about loosing these great truths that were brought before my heart-eyes. But God is faithful- He knows what I have need of. Today I went to school not living to make sure I lived out the lesson I learned in quiet time and being stressed over my performance, but I went living, knowing that somehow, even though I didn't stick to the schedule, the little check-the-box chart, my Abba would make something happen in my life, somehow i had this peace that I didn't have to try to be the finished work right this minute on my own, but Abba was taking me there.

And I was encouraged by simple fellowship. I got to do a ridiculasly huge astronomy word search with two of my friends who simply need someone to do a word-search with. I got to go help kids learn to draw- or express whatever it is they want to expres. I got to laugh with more people in PE while we played a terrible game of volleyball for "Friday Fun-day." In Math, I helped a girl through the struggles of statistics, listened to her pain of a hurtful teacher and family. I prepared for a big day of ministry on monday with good friends.

Sometimes I wonder: Am I really making a difference in lives? Am I a light shining God's love? Am I Loving others becuase I understand God's love for me first. I look at days like today and realize that God isn't concerned about how many chapters I read before rushing to school at 7:15- he might have been glad to allow me to sleep those extra 10 minutes and spend the rest of the day teaching me a little more about his love.