Hearing and lving and being

Isn't it interesting how God speaks so clearly through things that you allowed yourself to become numb to. There is a song, i don't know who sings it or what its called (those of you who know me well will not be surprised by this), but I was on my way to school this morning, questioning God about why I am so confused about life and this song just stood out to me. This one line, which says "I'm weak, and I'm poor, and I'm broken, but Lord, I am yours. Hold me now. Hold me now." How deeply I need to be held right now. I am weak and i'm poor, but Lord, am I really broken? I'm struggling right now with school and emotions and wondering how i should feel and what i should do and where is my focus? I feel guilty for things that I haven't done. I feel guilty for things that I'm afraid I'll do later or the things I'm too weak to do. I can't tell where I am or where my heart is, but Lord, I'm yours? Right now I don't really feel like I'm yours. I feel like I'm mine and lost and alone in this big world of being right or wrong or getting A's and surviving and not having the wrong motives for wanting the things that I do. I feel fake like I am trying to be the right thing for the right people. But what is it really about?

I've been talking a lot in this blog about witnessing becuase its an internal conflict i have now, i've always had it, and it especially comes out around school time. I know its not neccessarily supposed to feel comfortable, but I feel like i'm walking on eggshells over it. Its keeping me from living a life of freedom! Where is the line? How am I supposed to live it if its not who I am naturally? Does anyone have an answer besides TRY HARDER and DO BETTER? Why do i feel defeated, deflated, wrong, attacked, accused, and overworked? Is this the abundant life? Something's gotta give. Seriously, if anyone has an answer, please tell me.

Anyway, I've fallen back into that thing that I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't. Maybe its just constantly fighting the spiritual battle while I'm so heavily in the world. I mean, this grace thing just isn't the way of the world. And i feel beat down and worthless and outnumbered. And alone. Why am I alone? Why do I find that the only people I can reveal these deep things to only see it on a computer screen, somewhere else? This is my cry for help! Can anyone help me? Can anyone see through my "I'm fine" exterior and pat me on the back, tell me its okay to be weak and poor and broken?

I'm so tired of having it all together. I'm tired of maintaining 8 classes of A's while i struggle to "share Chirst" becuase i have to do that too. A broken, so where do I go from here? What I do tomorrow when i fail? I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail at trusting God and I'm not going to tell anyone that when they die they are going to hell. Maybe then I will be able to just talk about normal things- to care about people. Why does school have to be about evangelism? Why can't it just be about caring?

Tonight on the way home from work, I was thinking about this fake trying to get over things on my own by diverting my thinking or whatever and even what i was going to write in this blog. And then a thought occured. Why don't i just ask my father for the answer. And i did. And again i was listening to the radio (as i most always do) and this old Cademon's call song came on. I don't know if it actually has other words, but the part is started listening to simply said, "I have always loved you and I always will. I have always loved you and i always will. I have always loved you and i always will. I have always loved you and i always will."

I don't have the answers. My life is falling apart around me and I'm not sure how or why. I am under serious attack and I need some other warriors to come alongside me and help me out. Where are they? Why am I alone? I'm weak, and i'm poor, and i'm broken, Lord, am i really yours? Hold me now. You have always loved me and you always will.

Giving Up my Weakness

I have been struggling lately with what it means to really be sharing the gospel and wondering what makes it so hard- what is keeping me from it. Its my weakness. I was reading another blog and it just hit me- I need to surrender my weakness. I've been saying, yeah, God you need to work in me, change my hear, blah blah blah. He's saying, "Hi. Um yeah. I can't help you until you give me the problem... for real." can i give it up? Can I get past the fear and trembling and weakness and let God's power work though me if I can't really admit I need it? Its comforting to know I have a weakness-- if I keep it to myself, I don't have to deal with it. Today during celenbration and worship Steve challenged us to ask God what we needed to surrender to follow Guide. I need to give up my weakness- really let go-- let God pry open my little clutched fingers and let it go. I can't do it on my own and I don't have the words to say and if i try, of course i'm going to make a fool of myself.

Am I ready to give up my weakness? I don't really know. Maybe that means no.

Where's the Passion?

Last night I had the privlege of going to see where God was working in the hearts of Greeley, the town I live. Extreme 6:19 is a new ministry that my youth pastor just started where we go around our city and to other parts of the state and simply hand out tracts and share the gospel and last night was the first time we went out. Like I wrote a few days ago, this is not an easy thing for me to do, but God doesn't call us to do the easy things, but to follow wherever he leads. And I wanted to be like Paul (who was like Jesus) who shared the gospel with those who needed it, even though he didn't have eloquent speach and he was weak.

When I tell people about doing this, they often say, "wow, you are an amazing person. I can't believe you would have the boldness to do that." But you know what? I don't have the boldness. I have a spirit of power though. I am not an amazing person. I serve an amazing God who uses me in cool ways.

Last night, we got a glimpse of hearts. Earlier this week, my youth pastor came across a statistic that only 2% or less of christians share their faith. 2%. And last night we saw that statistic in action. Of all the christians, or at least people who claimed to "Know Jesus quite well," I only can think of one or two who were excited about Him and what he was doing through us last night. Most seemed annoyed that we would inturrupt their shopping-- and we were standing right outside the Christian Bookstore! Two Percent. Have we as christians become so stagnant?

Once I heard an illustration about being a christian sponge. Think about it. We go to church and we learn and we grow and we get to be "good christians" and then what do we do with it? We're sponges soo full, that we are starting to smell, just sitting in one place, never being squeezed, pouring ourselves out? I know becuase I am one. I'm afraid of the pain I might feel when i get squeezed a little bit. But, oh, how refreshing that is to be drained. What good is a sponge too full except to be squeezed out onto another?

Last night I watched myself being sqeezed and it was good. There is no better bonding experience to have with your friends to go out and share with others, to really use the body as it was intended, to have one person's strength come in when your weaknesses come out.

Last night, we got squeezed so hard that we got squeezed right out of the mall by a security guard. And as that security guard asked me and my friends and leaders to leave, one of my lost friends from school walked by. I had prayed that whatever happened at the mall would be heard in my school-- that people I know personally would see that when God replaces all the fear and weakness in you, you do crazy things-- you get kicked out of shopping malls and you go to big cities across the country where you could be shot at any moment. I love the way it takes away my "too-good-christian" reputation and makes me a real person who is a fool for Christ. And that last witness I had before her could not have been set up or planned by me- only the perfect timing of God. And what better person to see it than the one who needed it most?

You see, if it were all up to me, I would have stayed home watching movies last night. And I would have missed seeing God's strength in my weakness and my fellow workers in the field's joy and excitement-- and thier hearts. After seeing how lost people are that they don't even realize the emptiness of their lives, I have a renewed passion, I want to be part of the 2%. But I will never be part of it if God's strength isn't found in me. What part of the statistic are you?

Learning from the Spirit

Right now i am totally in awe of the way God teaches. I ahve always had a desire to learn from Him, but never an understanding of letting him teach me instead of me figuring out what I need to learn. There have been a few times in my past when i have a quiet time (or a loud time as my youth pastor calls them) and God really spoke and I knew it, but most of the times in my past I have spent them worring about hearing the wrong thing or assuming something untrue How much easier it is to just shut up and say, "Teach me Lord, direct my fingers and my eyes to the things you want me to know." And when I don't understand a passage, then I can stop thinking hard and analysing it and just trust him to show me what i need to know. Its amazing what such a simple thing as being quiet can do. I love it.

Weakness and Fear and Trembling... Paul Had the Same Problem

"When I came to you brothers, I did not come with
eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resloved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus
Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."

1 Corinthians 2:1

Paul was afraid too. I've been struggling with my fear in my own life. Since school started on monday, and even before, I've been thinking hard about sharing Christ with my friends and even those who aren't my friends. I want people to know Christ, but it scares me to death to think that i'll be put on the spot to share the actual gospel. Why is that? I know I have not been given the spirit of fear. Is there something wrong with me? I'm okay with living the example and waiting for people to ask me about the hope I have, but that's not really enough is it? People still go to hell whether I'm nice to them or not. They might not ever ask, so what does it mean when it's my turn to bring it up? I'm scared to initiate such a deep, potentially wounding conversation.

But it brings me encouragement to know that even Paul was afraid. He knew he was weak. And he was trembling. And so, I also know there is hope for me too. Even though Paul was scared and he knew that when he got to that point, he wasn't going to know what to say. But he did it anyway. Right now I am facing a crisis of belief. I see where God is moving,now am i going to join him? Am i going to move with him and experience him or stay where i am? Do I trust him to make a way for me,too?

On Sunday, I faced a similar crisis of belief. God was asking me to move with him- to share my weakness with my entire church. And without thinking about anything but letting Jesus move into the center, I slipped into the sidelines. And I was blessed, and people were blessed, and I experienced God there. I took that leap of faith and now I'm on the other side, facing a bigger one.

So now, will I open up my heart and let the Jesus inside of me come out? I'm scared of the ripping and tearing that it will take to open up that hard shell around the tender heart inside, letting people see that light that longs to come out. But then again, Paul came to the Corinthians, the sinful, alone Corinthians knowing nothing more than Christ crucified. Can you imagine? At the height of intelectual importance in our world, where people only thought about thinking, Paul gave it all up. No amount of worldly wisdom could compare to this outcast of a man who died a criminal's death, a man who's followers Paul himself had once made a living matyring and destroying.

Will I give up the pride of all my high school education and popularity and earthly wisdom for knowing nothing more than Jesus Christ and him crucified? First, I have to come to them... despite the weakness
and fear and trembling... so that their faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

Pictures in the Time-out Corner

Tonight God taught me yet another thing about his grace and his love despite our faults. My sister is 11 years old and has down's syndrome. There are many times that I get frustrated with how much she cannot understand. She doesn't understand time and how it binds our lives. She doesn't understand the importance of obedience, no matter how many times i try to explain it. She doesn't understand the importance of getting her homework done. She doesn't understand how when our dog runs away after being dropped from her arms, that means he doesn't want to play anymore.

Tonight my understanding for her lack of understanding came to the end. And i let her know that. After angerly tucking her into bed half-way after not being asked nicely to pull up the covers, I left the room, determined to show her the importance of obedience and saying please. But only a few minutes later, I was called back to the room, hearing her voice from the hall. This is what i heard:

"Jesus, I'm in big trouble. I don't want to be in big trouble. I disobeyed you. and I disobeyed my sister. But you know what, God? I need your help to obey," and she paused as a few tears fell. Almost pleading, she continued, "Jesus, I love you. I really love you."

It broke my heart to hear her say those words, as though she was begging, pleading that Jesus would still love her, despite her disobedience. She was pleading for me to love her. This prayer opened my eyes to see how much she does understand. She does hear the things I say about this Jesus who wants her to obey. But how much have I told her about grace?

Her prayer made me think, how often have I prayed this same prayer? God is teaching me a lot about grace right now, about how he can still love me, even though I am in big trouble, but all my life before this, I have prayed this begging prayer so many times. I don't want her to go through life as long as I have, pleading "Jesus, I really love you..." How can I show my sister who can't understand much this great big thing about grace? How do you teach both obedience and discipline with love and grace? How does God do it?

A few days ago, I heard an illustration about a grandfather who painted beautiful pictures in the corner where his little granddaughter was made to stand in time-out so it would be more bearable. Am I painting beautiful pictures in my sister's time-out corner? What does God's time-out corner for me look like? There are so many things I do not understand, and God knows. He has patience for these things. I pray he will give me patience for the things my sister cannot understand. I am thankful that he doesn't give up on me just becuase I can't understand all that he does or that I don't obey every time he wants me to. And most of all, I know that when I say, "Jesus, I love you, I really love you," He is saying, "I know. And I love you even more. You are forgiven. I am not angry. I love you. I really love you."

Knowing just enough not to get hurt...

One day, when i was in 4th grade, my dad decided that he no longer wanted to be associated with "those hypocrite Christians who believe one thing and do another" and he took the cross off his business card, put his bible on the shelf, and most poiniently began spending sunday morning maintaining his home- run business. But in the ten years or so since that day, there has only been one instance (about 2 weeks ago) where I have been asked personally how things are at home. Everyone knows that something is wrong, but no one cares enough to ask. Even to ask why I have two parents, but people only know one. Even to ask if it hurts.

The role of the church and body of Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been sorting through things in my own church that I don't understand, trying to figure out the things that have caused me pain and thinking about ways that my life needs to change so my brothers and sisters there don't have to suffer the same pain as I did. God has been speaking into my life about love and acceptance and my need for people and the role of community. And I'm trying to figure it out. Why is stopping me from fully embracing community here in Greeley? In my family? In the deepest part of my life.

In my church, there is a deep silence. People don't talk about the things that really hurt. People refer to other people and problems vaguely, afraid to offend or stir anything up. Everyone knows the scandals, but it is always in whisper, in the circles that don't really matter or care. Poeple know just enough, but when it comes to really knowing, being in a person's life, we fail. There is a bubble blown up by the "hushes!" and the "sshhh." I have been wounded, suffocated, silenced by that bubble, and now find myself at the threshlold between the hot air inside and the hard shell created by those with the hurts.

I have a friend who comes to church with her grandma. We all know she has two parents. We know something isn't right. But no one ever speaks of it. No one ever asks. Recently her parents got divorced. I only know because someone who knew enough and cared enough was close enough to see inside that secret life away from sunday and wednesday, possibly trying to reach outside of the "just knowing" bubble, hoping that I would care a little. So now I know a little more. And i care a lot. But how do I break the cycle? How do I admit to someone I know their life isn't perfect, even though I also know they are trying to hide it, to fit in, to be that person without need of others. That I am just like them. I;m scared to break it. Will my life come tumbling down? Will those who know a little about me look down their noses, wondering what possessed me to care enough to be tangled in the web? None of these things will happen, i know. But what about the pain that might surge within me, knowing so much about this person who needs me so deeply? Do I have a deep love that covers both of our multitudes of sin?

I know that the church today knows what is going on in people's lives at least a little. But do we care? Do we care enough to know a little more? Do i care enough about my friend to ask, "Where are your parents? Do they love you? I know something about you that you are hiding. I know you are afraid to break the cycle of people knowing just enough about you that they know if they see any more, their hearts are going to break along with yours?" It breaks my heart to know the heartbreak that this little knowing and little caring causes toward others. Do I myself care more about her than my own personal comfort of never rising above the status quo? I guess a big question is how do you break the silence after so many years? It might come as quite a shock to her to know that people actually care. Now not only do i have to break a deep tensiony silence, but also a shell that that silence creates.

I know what it is like to have a little known about me, but not enough to really pour out my life- to be known myself. And I know what they shell looks, and feels, and even tastes like at time. Breaking shells makes a mess. And people see mess. Mess makes people uncomfortable. But with broken shells comes life and healing. I have said before, "I don't think there is anything that feels quite as good as brokeness." When you break out, you break down to nothing, you are free. Free to be honest, and clear, and to live the way you were created to live. Unfortunately, i am no expert on brokenness, i have just begun to understand and experience it. But oh, what a beautiful thing it is. How beautiful is the church that can be broken together, the people that can show their broken mess and allow others to have one of their own.

I started at one point and ended in somewhere else. I guess thats why they call it the journey. I'm afraid this blog is quite incoherent and hard to follow, but its a true picture of where my heart has been taken tonight. This is a true picture of my imperfections and the places God is taking me- I don't like to publish things that aren't organized in thought, but i hope you get the idea anyway. I'm just digging deeper, and yet deeper still...

God only offers need-based love

Duing a recent mission trip to New York City with my youth group, i was discouraged for most of the trip, despite all the things I was seeing God do in lives. Seeing all that people were doing in the spirit, i felt unworthy- like i wasn't carrying my weight. I wasn't quite fired-up enough, I wasn't talking to enough people, i didn't have a job that i thought would make such a big impact. In my heart, I told myself I needed to try harder, trust a little more, be a little more daring so i could be accepted- never a message from my team mates, and definately not from God. There was one point I remember standing on platform at the subway station while everyone was praying about what God had just done through us, and i asked God why I hadn't been used, and he spoke into my heart, "But Heidi, I did use you." But something kept me from believing it.

I never really worked through that during the trip and I don't even know if i realized what was going on in me until this morning, almost two weeks later.

During the trip, i memorized 1 Peter 4:8, which says, "Above all, love each other deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins." I loved that verse for the way It opened my eyes to loving others unconditionally, but I didn't really see how it could also apply to me. You see, i was trying to get my sin covered beforehand so i could be loved, instead of letting the love of God and his love through others cover my sins and my inadequecies. Even now, I have never told anyone on the mission team or any other person this deep dark secret. No one knows my need for love even now. I was mixing up God's love-aid policy: I thought it was merit-based, not need based. But God's love is only need-based. No one would ever get any of the abundance if it were merit-based.

It wasn't just in New York that i played this game. I have played it for 17 years at least, trying to cover the sin that is what gives me the need for love in the first place. On sunday I am supposed to share with the entire church what God spoke into my life in New York. THis is it. Right now I am battling that thing inside me that says, "If you share this, you aren't covering your sin anymore. Can you still be loved?" Its that place where I have to take this thing that is inside me and really be real. Its easy to be real in type. THe computer doesn't get shocked. I never have to look people in the face and figure out how to make a smooth transition. I risk imperfection- something i carefully guard. Do i believe in God enough to exchange my fake perfection for the truth and accept his perfection in me? oh, Lord, i pray so.

Sitting at the feet...picking up my mat

The moment I caught wind of this whole blog thing, I was instantly addicted. I was sitting at the feet of these people who had mastered the art of exposing themselves, being whoever it is that God has created them to be. I'm drinking it in, jealous, wanting to be more than a spectator. But I was stuck. Something was stopping me from joining in- embracing community here or anywhere else for that matter.

It's this little voice that comes over the loud speaker of my heart. "You aren't good enough." "No one cares." "If you try to get into these people's lives, they're only going to think you are a silly little girl." "What do you have to contribute?" "You only want attention." Have you ever experienced this voice? It cuts me in half on a regular basis. It ties a rope around the ankles of my heart and keeps my arms from reaching out as they long to- it keeps them crossed, over my heart, not letting them touch the hearts I so deeply need to touch mine. I'm not just talking about blogging, as i'm sure you can imagine, but life. Community. Looking people in the eye.

So I'm stepping out. The loudspeaker is still going, but i'm tuning it out. Smothering it as it has caused me to smother my own heart cries. People think i am a quiet person. But i am only quiet becuase I have grown so used to the imprint of my hand over the mouth of my heart. I am crippled. Why do I long so deeply to show those deep things and yet fear it? i don't know, but here I am, a little seventeen year old girl who knows nothing but her need of a savior to say, "Your sins are forgiven, now pick up your mat and walk." So I'm walking, hoping that someone will see me walking, with everything trailing behind.

Maybe I need to realize that its not about what people think of me, but what they think of the Savior living in me (or is it the Savior i'm living in?) and how that Savior sees me when I walk with this mat under my arm, held by the hand that used to hold the mouth of my heart.
When I allow people to see this thing that my Savior sees, then I will become a master of exposing myself as well- as i have learned so beautifully from all of you.

"This is the appointed time when he moves into the center while i slip into the sidelines."
John 3:30 the message