God is so faithful through the process. Remember a few weeks ago when I said that I didn't know if I could handle the suspense of the journey anymore? That I wanted to be done? Things aren't set in stone quite yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel becoming bigger and bigger and God is so faithful. If things are as good as they look, the wait will definately be worth it! How do we deserve such good gifts? Who am I?

Oh, I am just so happy and wanted to share it...

God is so very faithful! And I am so excited and so anxious! Last night, we found the place that we want to live next year for pretty sure-- there is no other place that we've seen that we have been able to say "We want this! This is perfect for us!" No other place that we would be willing to do almost anything for.

I feel like this whole ordeal really has been such a process. Such a huge journey in trust and such a fantastic opportunity to see how God is taking care of me. God is taking care of me. Each step of the way, despite my anxieties and worries and doubts, he does not leave me becuase I am afraid. He does not expect me to fulfill all of these things on my own. What a brilliant example of seeking first the kingdom and allowing everything else to follow. Have you ever stood in a place and just thought, "God, who am I that you would give me everything I asked for?"

I think I am feeling this tension though, becuase I am afraid to really put in all my hope, you know? I am afraid of being let down, and so I try to hold in my excitement, I try to warn myself that it really might be too good to be true. But What does Paul say? "And hope does not dissappoint us, becuase God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:5)

I asked for GOd not to give me the easy road. I asked for the messy, uncertain, extreme adventure road. ANd so he has taken my expectations, my visions, my desires, and turned them all inside out. He has led me to the places this year where I would never have gone to if he had not led me there. The places that on the outside look dingy and strange, but I am beginning to see that these are really the places where he is to be found. Abba is to be found in the unexpected, inside the shells of strangeness, of akwardness, the places that we often do not want to go, this is where he is to be found. And he is faithful to be there.

Lately, I have been brought back to a song that I used to often find myself singing, but have forgotten about. But how beautiful, how applicable.

Lord, you are so good
Your love reaches to the skies
Your faithfulness to mountain heights
And your mercy never ending
And your love it never fails
You are
A sheild about me

Through the desert and the storm
You have touched me with your love
With your love

Lord, you are so good
Your love reaches to the skies
Your faithfulness to mountain heights
And your mercy never ending
And your love it never fails
You are
A sheild about me

Lord, you are so good! Help me to put the full weight of my hope and excitement in you!

this is not my fault. I have been listening to a lie all year that the pain that I feel is something that I have earned, something i deserve and something that i ought to be able to fix. I feel like a lot of the pain i have experienced this year has been a result of someone else putting their pain on me, taking their pain out on me, pain that has nothing to do with me, pain from a past, pain from long before me, pain that i am free from. I have freedom to say that i do not have to feel guilty or responsible for the abuse being heaped upon me. I feel a bit like a victim. I do not deserve the blame on top of the hurt. Its not fair and its not right and I'm tired of people telling me this. I can't change things that have nothing to do with me. There can be no resolution if the problem isn't really between me and the other person at all. I am not the one to bring about the change in myself, let alone others...

Strange. For the first time in a long time, I sit here enjoying the two hours between drawing and plant biology lab. Just sitting here in my room enjoying the warm weather that has returned after two days of frigid death. Well, maybe not quite that cold, but unfairly cold for April almost may. Do you ever get to that point in your life when you finally get to the bottom of the list that you thought would never end and wonder what you are supposed to do with all of this extra time? It reminds me of the day that my dog actually caught the neighbors' cat in his mouth as it slid off the roof into his open jaws and promptly dropped it becuase he had no idea what to do with it once he actually had it. Sort of like that.

These past few weeks have been intense. Full. Stressful. Painful. Uncertain. Moving much too fast to really fully feel these emotions. I sort of wonder if I have purposely spent that past few weeks this way so I could avoid feeling these feelings. Maybe. I can feel the weight of these weeks in my lower back. In my stomache, in my head a little.

But summer is coming and new things are coming and I am working on not being anxious for them to come. Funny how when I had little to do, it was easy to take each moment as it came, but as I caught more glimpses of the list, the more anxious, the more restless, the less calm I became. Do you ever actually get to the point where you dread free time becuase you don't know what to do with it? Or maybe its the guilt that you may not use it for the productive things you know you ought to.

I feel like there are a lot of things ahead of me, waiting for me, a lot of changes that I am choosing. A lot of changes I have to make decisions about. Lots of little leaps of faith. I've been thinking a lot this semester about giving up life to gain it. Becomming a servant, sitting at the end of the table and waiting for my place to be given instead of demanding it for myself. Putting my wheat in the ground and letting it die so that I can find it again growing up full and tall. Seeking only the kingdom and allowing Abba to provide those little silly desires of mine.

The course of this semester has not gone according to the way I expected it to. Everything I had planned, all the things I pursued have sort of been reversed, shocked me with a slap of irony. I am learning the meaning of the saying, "we plan, God laughs." I am finding hope and encouragement in the fact that God sees things a lot bigger than we do. To know that even though we only look at the outward appearances, the first thing he sees is the heart. I am looking forward to opportunitites for new starts, new journeys, new things to learn. new challenges, new people, new relationships, new directions. New Home!! New mercies. Mercy for the things I have screwed up big time. NEw life for the things that seemed unsalvagable. New chances for things that went terribly wrong.

I am so glad that Abba is so faithful, even in the little things. To answer a small prayer of "give me time and the heart to be quiet today" in so many big ways. He is faithful in his provision of roommates and homes and friends who care and grace for the goodbyes and the changes and the uncertainties.

Suffering from a Bit of Overload

What a weekend it has been. Its not even over, but I feel very much exhausted, very bombarded with about a million thoughts and questions. I feel like my life is spinning at nearly a thousand miles per hour. I have been surrounded by so many people this weekend, so many ideas, so many feelings I feel I ought to sort through but don't think I have much time for at least a few weeks nor do I even know where to begin.

One thing, however, I know to be true: college is a time of change. Its a time where your trust is stretched and stretched and stretched and I wonder if this is the end of just the first year, if there will even be a shred of me left by the end. There are a lot of things about the future that I am afraid about, things like appearances and provisions. Things that Jesus says the birds and flowers don't worry about and those things that he says as long as we seek his kingdom, he will take care of. Nevertheless, facing all this empty blackness ahead is a very scary experience. And so the question returns: How much do you trust me?

I've been reminded this weekend that the only thing we can cling to is Abba. That He is the only one who is going to quiet my soul and that he is the only one that is going to make it possible for me to stop running around, that he is the end of these infernal circles I keep finding myself running in. He is the solidarity that I'm seeking in other people and circumstances and tangible futures. He is the one..

"We will only trust God as much as we love him..." Thomas Merton

Abba, as I've thought about you today and since our time together this morning, I know deep in my depths that I have so much to thank you for, despite the uncertainty I am facing, the discomfort I find myself in the midst of. So, Abba, thank you that you do not leave me alone, that at right at the right moment, you show yourself to be faithful. I thank you that you do hold my future in your hands, each little step, each breath, each moment, you've seen it and prepared it and blessed it. You are just waiting to supply the air for the next inhale. Thank you for the ways you have provided for me this year, for the friends, for family, for pain and for joy. Thank you for change, that each moment is a new opportunity. Thank you for providing a place for me to live this summer, for a great job, for so many experiences, for a church to call home, a place to sleep, food to keep me alive, even if it is form food. Thank you that you lead me with kindness, that you call me forth in love, that the roads down which we are walking are good roads, roads of life, that you are not leading me to places of death and depair. Thank you Abba, that I can be free of fear, that you free me from the grips of the accusor. THank you Abba, for you love for me. Thank you that you have me in your grip, even when I don't think I can get my fingers around anything, you've got me in your hand-- your big, capable, loving, comforting hand.

In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
When I called to you for help

I think if someone were to ask me how I am today, the most appropriate response would be "buried." I feel like it has been a long time since I did all the things that I used to do, its been a long time since my life was how it used to be. The last few weeks have been spent searching for housing and roommates and classes and plans and wisdom and peace and breath. But I think I have most definately stopped searching for constancy. I think I know why they say the only thing you can count on is change. Amen to whoever thought of that one.

And I think tonight as I sat down to cram in some more studying, it occured to me how afraid I feel. How all of this is such hard work and how everything is so uncertain and yet decisions are breathing down my neck. It seems nearly impossible not to worry. It seems impossible to see myself after these decisions are made. Hard to see where this road is leading and I am tempted to cry out "Where are you in all of this? Have you lost sight of me or have I just lost sight of you?"

Sometimes it seems that all I have to complete is so far in the future and at the same time, it seems to be staring me down like the barrel of a gun. I look around this tiny room that I share with a stranger and more than anything long to be free of it and then for a split second I also want to cling to its immediate security. And I want to ask, Have you lost sight of me or have I just lost sight of you?

I sought the Lord and he answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears
Those who look to him are radiant;
Their faces are never covered with same
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
He saved him out of all his troubles
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him
And he delivers them

Taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him
Fear the Lord, you his saints,
For those how fear him lack nothing
The lions may grow weak and hungry.
but thos who seek the Lord lack no good thing...

This whole experience, or maybe this whole semester, seems to be such a big lesson in trusting that God really has something better, that he really is leading me somewhere, no matter how strange it looks and how little sense it makes. And so I go forth in hope...

For those of you reading this, please have me in your prayers that God would give me the neccessary hope and faith in this stressful situation, that he would continue to provide a place for me a to live, that he would continue to lead me down this road of darkness, this road of unkowns...

I just wanted to say that God is so faithful. Although things have been hard this past week, he has never lost hold of me-- He definately has me in his grip.

Stabbed

I feel a bit like I've been stabbed. Right in the gut. And I sort of wonder if I'll ever recover. All I really want to do is hide. To run away, find a warm hole, nestle down in it, and not come out until it stops hurting. To stay there until I can puch the pain far enough down that no one has to look at it and no one has to feel it and I don't have to face it. And I think I could just sit in this room and face this wall and shut the door and shed a few more tears until enough time passes that I can stop thinking about how much it hurts. And I can at least look people in the eye again. Or maybe if I can just ignore the pain for four more weeks and then run far far away and never look back. Never look back.

Why did things go so wrong? How have they gone so wrong? How have I been so wrong? How will I take this person that I have discovered I have been to someone else and take these legs and keep walking? Is it possible for me to take a step over this threshold without the knife I feel in my stomach being twisted another quarter turn? I feel alone, like I have this pain that I deserve and that I have to take and face like a man all on my own. And in my mind, in my trite little mind, I know all of this is true and I can quote to myself that "I can do all things...." blah, blah, blah. The problem is that it hurts. It hurts infinately. And I feel blind and crippled. I feel like a puppy who has been abused, hiding in the corner, wincing at the pain.

I try to do things to keep my mind off of it. I study. I clean. I ask people to come over. But then the people leave. And the studying gets clouded by more thoughts. I walk to the dining hall all alone and fear that someone might look at me. And yet inwardly I beg that someone will see me and rescue me. Or maybe just distract me.

I feel like I have been somewhere else for two days. I feel sick to my stomach, unable to eat, starving. And the question keeps coming, why am I so upset. Why do I feel this way? What is it that I'm looking for. But I know the answer. resolution. honesty. I need to know that I am not just leaving this sitting naked on the front porch. And yet, I am afraid to go back and put its clothes back on.

Any communication, even if its angry, is better than none at all. But it hurts. And it twists like a knife. I've taken the ugly numbness and I've awoken the pain. What is it that I always say? Its so important that we allow ourselves to feel the pain or else we won't be able to feel anything else. I know from the bottom of my heart that this is true, but I'm afraid. Little by little I think I let the pain come, but I'm afriad of the next step. I'm afraid of more pain coming. I'm afraid of taking the rest of my clothes off in front of the person who has made my flesh feel so raw. I'm afraid to reveal the rest for fear of the twist of the knife. I don't trust her. I feel betrayed. I feel abused. I feel decieved and blamed. And I would just like to take this relationship that never really existed and wipe it away for good.

I feel like a lot of old wounds are being raked up and I don't like it. Like the scabs on the back are being clawed open. And not in a kind loving way in the intention of bringing healing, but in the brutal, horrible, way. The enemy coming to add insult to injury. All my insecurities and fears and greatest nightmares brought to life in one note. Ten sentences.

In the past few days I think I have caught a glimpse of what humanity looks like. I have seen a few of the wounds of crucifixion, dark and red and deep. I have seen what it looks like when someone graceless has access to the most horrible parts of your soul. I have seen what it looks like when two wounded children attempt to bandage themselves and end up swinging the axe at the other. And I have seen that I am just as broken and ugly and brutal and hurtful as anyone else, regardless of my nametag. Regardless of my job description. Regardless of my appearance. Regardless of my piety. Regardless of my lifestyle choices. Regardless of whoever it is that I think I am. I hold no spiritual superiority.

I have been mulling over the idea that there is no way we can get through life without a few really, really big mistakes. I have a feeling that I have just made one. I am suddenly desperately thankful that Abba God does not put a quota on how many brutally awful mistakes we can make in a lifetime. And I have a feeling that this will not be the last.

This past year I've done a lot of thinking about healing and seeking healing for my own life, but I haven't been sure what exactly that looks like and I've been afraid to really ask what that look like, or what that might require. And I have a feeling that this is my big chance and I'm not sure I like or appreciate such an answer to prayer. I am very very afraid. I am overcome with pain. I walk through the halls and past people and the first word that comes to mind is "ouch." I see myself keeled over and limping. Kicked in the stomach, still reeling. But I pursued it. I choose to stop putting up with the denial, I choose to stop the avoidance and the fear that was driving me and so here I am. I opened the can of worms. So, I suppose Abba, I'll have to ask you to clean it up. Clean me up. Clean us up.

Abba, I know you are faithful. I know you are a God of miracles and you knew this was going to happen. Way back in July when I asked you to send me where you wanted me for your purpose. Maybe it was for me. Could this have been your idea? I don't know if I am ready to thank you yet, but I think I might be able to trust just a little. You know I am scared to death. Really and truly. But I know you don't let that get in your way. What is it you say? What you have planned, no one can stop? What you have set your hand to do, no one can change? How could you love me like that? How would you love me so much as to allow me to suffer this pain? To face this. Is it still okay if I cry for a few more days? Is it okay if I still want to hide? Is it still okay for my stomach to turn? Will you call me out in peace when you are ready? I need your arms tonight. I need your comfort. I need your hand and your truth. I need you so badly.

humbled

Do you ever get those reminders every once in a while of how broken you are? Do you ever have that overwhelming sense that we need some divine forgiveness and some deep repair? I find myself sitting in the midst of that need. I find myself humbled and reminded that there is nothing I can do about how I have been up to this point except for beg forgiveness.

Yesterday someone gave me a number of stunning words to chew on, ending it all with, "It might be too late, but you need to learn to live with other people." Even writing those words again hurts. It cuts like a knife. But right after hearing those words, my first thoughts were, "Thank God its not too late. In fact, its fairly early," and then followed with,"I know." I have a vivid reminder that mistakes are a huge part of life and the earlier we make them, the btter.

I am greived becuase I am afraid that I have royally screwed something up. An entire year of mistake that I can't go back and change. It just lies there on the floor, shattered, and staring up at me. Look what I've done.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be forgiven and to accept that I messed things up big time. I've been thinking about allowing myself to let go of the junk that I do, leaving the past in the past and allowing God to take those messy mistakes and allow light to shine through them. But I still feel ashamed. And I still feel uneasy. And I still feel like I've failed (mainly because I have). And I wonder if now that things are really just hung out to dry if they will get better or worse. I may never know.

But what I do know is that I am deeply humbled. I am broken, although I'm not sure I'm broken enough to be free yet. I feel like there are still a lot of people that I need to apologize to. I feel like I have spent a great deal of time handling things badly and now is the time that God has given me the strength and courage to face that... maybe.

And so here I stand in need of forgiveness, reminded of the reality that others need my forgiveness as badly as I need it.

"For me, the utter powerlessness of God is that God forgives. I hold myself in a position of power by not forgiving myself or others. God does not hold on to that position of power. God seems to be so ready to surrender divine power. God forgives the world for bring broken and poor. God forgives us for not being all that we thought we had to be and even for what God wanted us to be. That is probably why we fall in love with such a God. Why wouldn't you? You would be a fool not to-- and you will be a "holy fool" if you do.

-- Richard Rohr, "Everything Belongs"

ok. So things are a little better now than when I wrote that last post. But nevertheless, this seems to be time of life where everything is uncertain and you wonder if tomorrow you might loose it all. I don't know where I'm going to be next fall in many areas of my life and that scares me a lot. I'm tempted to worry a lot. And God has been asked me a lot about trust and the things in my life that I am leaning on. He has been talking to me about what my life might look like if I was totally dependent upon him, if my life was composed of his kingdom and his kingdom only and I trusted him for the rest. And I think a series of wake-up calls are sufficient for those kinds of questions and answers. So my future is fairly uncertain right now, but the question that remains is, "How much do you trust me?"

You give and you take away....

Sometimes we get what we ask for
When the world falls out from under us
And we look down at our feet and see
That all we ever knew
Or expected
Or wanted
Or thought that should be right
Has broken to peices at our feet

It could be a moment
One miniscule moment
And we find ourselves in poverty
Stripped bare
Left with nothing
Only what we were born with
Naked we come.
Naked we go.

And he keeps saying
Do not worry
Trust in me
Trust in the father
This was never the point
All of this is pure shadow
Illusion
Blank and empty
If you really think about it

Why do we get what we ask for?
Why do you put these desires in our hearts?
You made me ask for it
And I'm afraid I won't like it
I know I don't like it right now

It's so easy
So natural to trust in my own comfort
To say
"Tomorrow I will go here,
I will do this,"
And yet you scoff
You laugh and say
I know nothing
All I have is today
This moment
This breath
This instance
Like a vapor it will be gone

You say
Look at the lillies of the field
Dressed in splendor
They do not worry and spin
And yet you, you
Whom I love more than these
How you plan
How you predict
How you worry

And that sounds nice
But it does not sound easy
How can I quiet my calculating mind
When everything seems to hang in the balance?

You say
Think upon what this life is really about
What is the point
Its so easy to forget
So I suppose I should thank you
For the reminder

And so here I stand
Wondering how long
Before the entire floor falls out
Underneath me like a shelf
How long
Before I am forced to stop
Trusting in these illusions
How long

You say
You are a journey God
Walking us through roads
Asking me to stop thinking
About what lies at the end
To stop
Thinking about the worrisome future
And start
Trusting in you

You've been asking me
How much do you trust me?
How much do you trust me?
How much do you trust me?
And I think my answer must be
You tell me.

Hope they say
Pure hope, that is
Is found in poverty
When we are free of all the things of this world

And so,
In my naivete
I asked for it
I asked to be stripped bare
And so here I sit
On the verge of half-nakedness
Wondering
What is the worth
Do I really want this?

And so the dialogue continues
How much do you trust me...

open fields..

I'm feeling a bit lonely, slightly abandoned, wrestling with what to do when the false securities of this world suddenly drop like the floor out from under me. The strange thing is that even though all of this uncertainty is clouding my thoughts, I have this earie peace about it all, like even though things are changing quickly around me, someone big and safe is holding me, that I have nothing to fear.

Friendships. How quickly they seem to come and go. At the beginning of the semester, it seemed that things had come together so quickly and so nicely and perfectly. But it seems like the lesson plan of my life lately has been to not hold things too tightly becuase in a moment they are blown away like leaves in the wind. At the beginning of the semester, I was sure that my prayers for friends and living arrangements were answered, but as time has gone by it seems that everything had fallen apart. I find myself standing in the middle of this open field looking around listlessly, wondering what will become of these things blowing about me. I find myself standing, waiting, for the still small voice to point the way to the next step.

Life is hard. But at the same time, I'm not looking for the easy way out. I don't want the wide road. I don't want the simple, yet trite way. I don't want the place of comfort. I don't want to spend my life with people just like me, with the same old toughts, the same old ideas, the same old traditions that can so easily become meaningless and empty and idle steps. I don't want to ramain in the surface-level emptiness, regardless of how easy it seems. I'm not choosing the glossy sterile kingdom becuase I don't really believe that was the kingdom Jesus came to bring and if it isn't something that Jesus would come to endorse, I don't want to be a part of it either. I don't want to be a part of something that isn't part of the real life that Jesus came to give.

At the same time, I find myself standing in the midst of uncertainty. I find myself alone. But at the same time not feeling so alone, like there is something surrounding me. The easy thing is going to be gone faster than I need it to if I want to use it as a backup plan. But I suppose if I'm really seeking Kingdom work, then to expect a backup plan would be a little, well, backward.

I continually find myself asking the question: What is this life? I find myself needing to know what is the point really? Everything seems so fuzzy right now, even though I have this giant shell of University and Job Description and Social Demographic that could suffice as my security and my giude-- something inside of me is shouting to my eyes, "THERE IS SOMETHING BIGGER! LOOK FOR IT!" And so I am looking, scanning the sky, and suddenly feeling a bit detached from my feet, or maybe just the solid ground that I was relying upon. What is this life that I am living? What is this life that I was made for?

I wish someone had the answers. I so long for this whole thing to be resolved, to be certain, to know that all of these things will be worked out and that I will be okay. I mean, don't we all search for these certainties in life? But I have this sneaking feeling that this whole thing once again is not about the destination, but the journey. If I was really honest, I would say that I'm tired of the journey. My legs are tired. I want to have a place to rest my head. Even if the son of man didn't. I want a rest. I want things to be easy. I don't like that things seem to be shattered on the floor, that the things I was so sure of are suddenly changed and that I am standing in the middle of this open field. I don't like the feeling that I must choose something that seems like someone else's idea of perfect (the sterile, easy kind) is being heavily pushed upon me. I don't like this feeling that its my fault, even though I am flawed and incapable, and still I have to pull it together. I don't like making decisions, especially when everything feels to vague and fuzzy and all new. I don't like this feeling of incapability. I don't like the feeling that my own freedoms are being taken for me out of sheer despiration.

And yet Abba, you know all these things. You know all those people out there who, like me, need roommates. You know exactly the people that you have purposed for me to be a part of thier lives. You have been preparing me for all of these things and you are faithful. You know what is true and you know what is false. You know all the stuff in my heart that hurts at this moment. You know all of the things weighing heavy on my heart. You know the places that I fail. You know that I let people walk on me and that I am afraid. You know how I feel those footsteps on my heart and blame myself. You know how tired my legs are. You know how I love the journey, the deepth and the beauty that it yeilds, but you also know how weary I am. You know how all these things weigh heavy upon me. I ask you tonight to come and take my burden. You say that anyone who comes to you will find your yoke is easy and your burden light. And so I seek you tonight. I seek rest for my weary soul. My exhausted mind. How I need you. You are faithful, somehow I do know this...