Here is hopefully a near-final draft of a scholarship essay with the prompt; Describe yourself in 300 words or less. Be creative. So here, is my attempt, a little feedback would be magnificent.

I am both an artist and the work of The Artist. I am the workmanship of the Ultimate Creator, chosen, prepared, and purposed as an expression of the Grand Artist and creator.
Every Great Artist knows how to choose the medium best suited to his purpose; I have been chosen as a canvas to express the artistry, love, and beauty of the father. Starting out as only a simple canvas, however, I have attempted to make myself a beautiful masterpiece without the knowing eyes and gentle fingers of the artist. Torn and wrinkled, stained and ruined on the floor of the studio, God sees me there, tattered underfoot. Artist picked me up and holds me in the light, “Ah yes,” he says softly, “Here is this canvas.” He envisions a sketch he made long ago; now is the time for a new expression- a manifestation of himself seen in none of his other masterpieces.
He repairs the tears, washes my stains, stretches me across his frame, and seals me with sparkling white gesso. Once an ordinary canvas, shades of loneliness paired with elements of joy and deep tones of pain complemented by impasto love now cover the cloth. The master brings his brush through rivers of trial and sun-drenched countrysides of joy. Each day the painting becomes more vivid, colors begin to pop,
Layer upon layer an image of a young woman alluding to a later maturity emerges. An art educator, she teaches others how to be masterpieces themselves. Her very life inspires other to express, some still lying on the studio floor, dirty. When people gaze upon this masterpiece, they do not perceive canvas or pigment, nor the image of anything to behold. No, the viewer of this masterpiece sees a self-portrait, the face of the Great Artist.

"If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more does your heavenly father give good things to those who ask him?"

A few months ago, I posted a blog about how much God knows my needs and how perfect his provision is, if only i would ask him and recieve it.

This Christmas season has been amazing to me. Beyond anything I could ever ask or imagine. Some people talk a lot about how gift-giving is just materialistic and caters to our consumeristic society, but this year I have really come to embrace it; gift-giving has been a constant reminder of all God gives.

My mom says that my love language is gift-giving, which I think is probably true. I can see that, but it is strange becuae i don't see myself as a giving person. But this year I have really taken that and seen that it is true. I remeber thinking early in the season, before I even had time to consider seriously what i was going to get for my family, do i give my family gifts because I want to show them how much I love and care for them, or do i just do it becuase that is what has always been done?

In my family, we have always taken pride in giving the best gift. Every year we try to outdo each other, mostly with our youngest sister who is 11 and has downs-syndrome. Since I was little, me and my sister would make the annual trip to "Dollar World" in search of the perfect gift. We constructed elaborate displays and the faciest gifts for our parents since we (or my brother, at any rate) were old enough to reach our heads above the counters. I remember the year i bought my older sister the prettiest plastic bracelets, wrapped in a Christmas card box and, not being able to contain myself any longer, blurted the box's treasures on Christmas eve. The Christmas Eve spanking I recieved that year cured me of all secret-telling for the rest of my life. Or there was the year that the three of us constructed the most beautiful house out of cardboard and construction paper and filled it to the brim with pistacio nuts and landscaped with christmas tree candles and gum-drop trees.

This year has been one of the first years when I could see God's love clearly. This past semester and summer has taught me so much about being able to recieving God's love and being able to share it with others. When Christmas came, I noticed that my feeling towards the season was different than before- not a big climax or exception to the rest of my life, but a continuation of what God had begun. Today I look at the overwhelming amount of gifts God has given to me in the past few months, my entire life. I see that his greatest gift is the realization of what we truly are in Christ.

It is absolutely breathtaking to see how well God answers prayer, even prayers that I had not fully articulated. At the beginning of the season, my family began to ask me what i wanted, and i had no idea what to tell them. I am always afraid at Christmas to name specific things I want becuase I always wonder if they are all going to dissappoint. Its a little risky for me. So I just gave it to Abba. I asked him to not really show my what I really want, but just put it in my hand.

One of the most beautiful gifts God has given me over the past few months is the abiliity to trust him with my life, to lay those things down before I ruin them myself. He has taken my life out of my open hand and replaced me with this calm, this peace, this joy, this patience that I can only embrace when i let it go. This realization that the end of the world is already in God's hands and everything else he is going to let slip through his fingers.

If someone were to look into my life from a shop window, they might think that it is bad, a little scary, and quite painful. At the depths, it is. But to me, I look at my life and say, "Wow. I am standing in the midst of a rushing river, but i am not falling over." I look over to my side and I see someone, Guide, calmly standing there, moving my legs when it is time to take another step. And to my back is Daddy, holding me up, keeping me from falling over, and to my other side, Jesus, holding my hand, whispering love and encouragement in my ear. Sometimes each of these figures look different-- like people i know. My mom, my sister, my friends, my mentors and teachers. And sometimes its is just the three.

And i look around me and i don't feel frigid water numbing my toes and purpling my fingers, nor sharp rocks cutting my feet. I see a beautiful forest on the other side. Cool, refreshing waters all around me and warm hands surrounding me. There are times when the rocks to cut and the water does numb and the water runs down my cheeks, but the surrounding forrest and sky and smells overwhelm it quickly. I stand in the midst of a river.

This Christmas God has sent me a sort of a card with a gift certificate. One of those magazine cutouts in the shoe box promising something better later, to go with the other gifts he has given me throughout the year. I don't exactly know what the shoebox-magazine-cutout present is yet, but i know its good because who gives better gifts than the one who know me better than I do? Everyday i wake up and remind myself that I am alive because God has a purpose for me today and that purpose is good becuase God loves me enough to "Mourn as for an only son." That is gift enough, but he holds so much more, if only i would accept it. This year I have truly understand the meaning of Christmas-- and it is getting presents, its just a matter of allowing myself to take them.

So, ultimately, we can have Chrimstas all year round, but it will be no human act of wonder. We can have Christmas all the year around if we would open our eyes and recieve the gifts God gives to us, his precious children. What an even more meaningful gift when we realize he gives them despite what we deserve.

Merry Christmas-- Happy gift-recieving.

What does it mean to rest? Now that i have time to sit, do nothing, be nothing, presume nothing, i don't know how to do it.

Its Christmas Break. And for the first time in a few years, I have managed to not have an overwhelming amount of work and also no requirements for me to fulfill for myself. And I need this time just to rest in the arms of Abba, but i'm having a hard time seeing what that looks like. I need to simply stop. Just stop. Just be. Abba, show me how.

And thus marks the end of the first semester of my last year of high school. What a crazy ride. I feel very much at peace right now, but at the same time, also the need for a good cry. I guess thats what they call "letdown".

I haven't blogged for a while. usually when i do, its becuase i have something specific and profound to say, but lately, there have been so many things, its hard not to just ramble on about things that are only coherent to me. But I have so many things to share.... I guess thats my life: endeavoring to be and express something so much huger than me, I just become crippled in the wide sea of who God has made me. I don't say that because i'm really stuck on myself, but just because I love myself as God's creation. Isn't that great?

Anyway, I feel like this school year has really been a huge turning point for me. Like a 180 degree turning point. I know, you all are going, "well, duh, its your senior year, of course its going to be so totally different," but, no, really, its a different kind of different. I used to look at this time as the culmination of all I have endeavored to make myself out to be-- acedemically, spiritually, but i don't think I really considered it personally. This semester has been the beginning of some later culmination of who I am personally. I have left the other two behind.

I used to think i was a perfectionist. I used to think that God's will for me is perfection... that is, human achievement perfection, you know, never making spelling mistakes perfect. But God wants a different perfection from me-- one that is impossible for me to achieve and one that he has already taken care of. Its done. My perfection will never be a culmination of A+ added to A+, but me being who God makes me, good grades or not. Strangely, none of these thoughts have really ever occured to me before. Utter performance was the only world I knew.. until the past semester or so.

Weird, how God works, isn't it. Once you think you have it all figured out, he throws another log on the fire. Firewood... those are words I used to describe the frustration of my art at the beginning of the school year, and tonight, after months of personal turmoil over some paper, clay, and a little paint, I feel the warmth, but not the burn.

A few months ago, I attended the National Art Portfolio Review Day hosted by the Rocky Mountain School of Art and Design, where i was told by a representative from the Chicago Institute of Art that my work was a product of assignment and expressed nothing. Ouch. Poing. Yeah, ok, you're right. And thus the challange was accepted.

For nearly a month, I wallowed in the depths of my sketchbook. I looked through complex studies of composition and value and I know what they expressed about me: I fear rejection and therefore strive to express what people want to see. I do a good job of drawing pretty pictures that mean nothing besides screaming, "Please don't hurt me." I can see myself holding up a big canvas in front of my cowering face.

In the midst of the confusion, I produced one painting to express something. It is a wooden box in the midst of explosion. I hate it. Its terrible. The concept is great, but the technique cries out "Gesso me, quick!!" and so I wasted class time, wallowing in my sketchbook, believing lies about the judgement from others that I feared. And then, one day, feeling trapped behind a brick wall and being pushed through the heavy cement blocks at the same time, I talked to somebody about it-- my teacher (of all people!). And something inside me just said, who cares about mistakes? Try something. So I drew a person being pushed through a brick wall and trusted my instinct about a drawing i loved, but was afraid of rejection. these two peices are the heart of my portfolio.

My Senior portfolio class has been one of the most stretching experiences I have ever encountered. Having a teacher who voices little- either satisfaction or lack thereof- is hard for someone who lives life people pleasing. Its hard to do work in order to please someone when they clearly don't base your worth on what you do. All my teacher cared about was that i was doing something. I could have come in and colored in a my little ponies coloring book and matted them everyday and he woudln't have cared. It was scary. Like freefalling.

My parents don't understand the concept of artsistic expression as expression of the artist. When the Chicago critiquer told me my art was about nothing, my parents tried to decipher the foreign language the entire hour drive home. They still don't get it. I don't know if i even get it. But my point is this: its hard when you feel like you are out there all alone, not even your parents understand this thing you are investigating is.

Earlier tonight, my mom asked my if I pray about my paintings. My heart screamed a resounding "YES!! more than ever before!!" I see it as pure miracle that in the room beside me sit 8 peices of myself composed in one short semester. Ending the first quarter with 1 finished peice and 2 in scary states, even up to a week ago, I wondered what I would be able to show for all I had learned about myself in the past few months. So here I am.

Art, or life, for that matter, isn't really about appearing to have the right stuff in line. knowing the right techniques for holding a brush doesn't make you Picasso. Picasso's one goal in life was to be able to draw like a kid. His studies for GUerrnica, his most important work, look like a 6 year old drew them. And yet, you feel the pain. You stare straight into the soul.

Jesus said that unless you come to him like a little child, you will never be able to experience real life. This world, my most adored teachers, my parents, tell me that growing up in a culmination of all your acheivements. Write well, think hard and you will be a successful person. That's what they world tells me in hope that all they are striving for might not be wrong. But this past semester has taken that finger pointing off into the distance of all i could become and turned it upward and inward to see all that I am.

The most important peices to my achievement this year have not been finishing a really amazing porject or writing an unbelievable essay, but sitting down and talking to people. BEING. Being who I am. Not trying to achieve the impossible by existing as something I do not exist as. When Apostle Paul says that his best acheivments belong in the dumpster, he means his best essays, most beautiful poster-boards, and greatest paintings. That flawless trascript ought to be burned.

I don't know how other Kids get through this semester without God. I think I would be laying in a puddle of who knows what right now if it hadn't been for my Abba this past term. I look back on just the past week or two and wonder what magic happened. Definately nothing I could have done. Nothing that would have happened without God kickin it into yet a higher gear to pull me through.

Abba, I don't think anyone reading this blog can catch even a glimpse of what you have done in me. I don't think I even can. I wonder if my eyes are still squeezed shut. Sometimes the places you take me are scary. But i have this incredible peace and excitement-- and then there is also that tinge of anxiety, wondering what might come next. but you have that all taken care of too. Thank you for the people you have put in my life. Imagine, i don't have to have it all figured out, but that you use people to guide me along, like a hand in the small of my back, steering the way for me. Thank you dearly for Abby's encouraging note today. Definately a praise for what you are doing in me. Thank you for this blog, a place where I can at least attempt to share a little of you with those people who I have never even met or those who just live too far away for me to share my entire life with. Thanks for the journey. Thanks for doing the running. And thanks that you don't mind reading my note-card novels.

"When we reduce Christian Spirituality to math, we defile the holy. I thought that was very beautiful and comforting becuase I have never been good at math. Many of our attempts to understand Christian faith has cheapened it."

"all the wonder of God happened right above our arithmetic and formula. The more I climb outside my pat answers, the more invigoraitng the view, the more my heart enters into worship."

"I think we have two choices in the face of such big beauty: terror or awe. ANd this is precisely why we attempt to chart God, becuase we want to be able to predict him, to dissect him, to carry him around in our dog and pony show.

We are too proud to feel awe and too fearful to feel terror.

We reduce him to math so we don't have to fear him, and yet the bible tells us fear is the appropriate response, that is the beginning of wisdom. Does this mena GOd is going to hurt us? No. But i sttod on the edge of the Grand Canyon once, behind a railing, and though i was never going to fall off, I feared the thought of it. It is that big of a place, that wonderful of a landscape."

-Don Miller, Blue Like Jazz

It is hard for me to walk away from Math class when I come before God. It is ironic how I hate math with a passion, but cling to formula in the rest of my life. I like my lists. I like knowing what formula i should plug my X and Y into. Or do I? I don't think so.

I have grown up (or i should say am growing up in) a world based on formula. My entire life up to this point has been based on doing the right dance to get the right cookie from the right person, but i've never been satisfied with that. My dad says, "There is no such thing as 'I didn't mean to.' It's 'I didn't mean not to.'" That formula has been lodged into my brain for 17 years. Sometime a few years ago, I remember my mom saying to me after I got in trouble from my dad for something silly, "You don't have to be perfect." That was the first time I had ever heard either of my parents say something like that to me. "You don't have to be perfect." what an idea.

I like not having to have it all figured out. I like not having to guess what other people expect of me. I like knowing that I am ok if i don't know how to calculate this problem.

These quotes from Don Miller really resonated with me today. Being able to formulate Christianity isn't a sign of maturity in Christ, but a practice in emptying my insides for the sake of religion (that is, other people). Once, I heard someone say Christian maturity is knowing more each day my need for God. Strangely enough, the world says Christian maturity is how much you can know based on your own understanding.

The best kind of worship is wonder.

This has been one of those days. One of those days where you open your eyes and go, "Hey God. Didn't see you there...." er something. no, maybe not like that, but sort of.

Anyway, i don't really feel like giving the play by play, but it is just so cool.

I tend to wrestle a lot. With God? no, i don't think so. I think i wrestle with life and God is like the referee or something. Or maybe it is like Jacob, who wrestled with God and then realized that God had been there all along. I have been praying lately that God would wake me up to where he is around me and man, he totally answers prayer. Its like you can ask him a question, and then he gives you the answer. You just have to shut up long enough to hear the answer. I think this is just something that you have to experience to know what I am talking about.

Anyway, it seems like whenever I learn something big, it starts out with me being mad, skeptical, convicted maybe? But if I just get myself to sit through it, I always come out supergreat. today i was looking for random verses for a project and i came across James 1:2-3, which says, "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, becuase you know that the testing of your faith develpes perseverence." This is one of those verses where I just want to tell the bible to shut up, you know? Its a "yeah, yeah, yeah" verse... utill I experience it. It goes on to say in the following verses, "Perseverence must finish its works so that you mabe be mature and complete, not lacking anything.... and it goes on. look up the rest of the passage, it basically explains my entire day.

I dunno. I got in this humungo fight with my mom today, which was really painful, but just happened to be an answer to a prayer... weird huh? I'd asked God to heal something in me and he used my mom screaming at me to do it. so i shed some tears, wrestled with who was right. The hardest thing was that it was right before youth group. Does that ever happen to you? Something happens to you right before you have to go be the superchristian, without any problems, and then all of the sudden you are really ANGRY! like you know you should forgive, but you are just angry, and you've been crying, and people look at you and know. And people are going to say "How are you?" all surupy and happy like 50 times and you don't know what to say. Oh, i'm ok. saunter away. I mean, really, you have no right to be angry. You, superchristian must be forgiving right away and acknowledge your sin and get it all fixed up without all the trial and wrestling that goes on inbetween. Ha! I really hate that question, how are you?

So the first person I saw tonight at youth group through my red eyes was someone asking me to take on another responsibility-- the thing my mom had just raked me over the coals about. WHat a God thing. I begged him on the drive over, "abba, don't make me be fake." He sent just the right person with the right question. Huge stuff.

I just think God is huge. He's a pretty cool dude. Aren't you Abba? Thanks. I thank you that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. Thanks for being my friend. Abba, thank you also for Matt/Josh. Thanks for his encouragement.

Josh, I think you are royally rad. Thanks for being part of the three people who read my blog.

I spent the morning kicking and screaming. Like a big fat baby in a business suit, wondering why nothing was working.

Lately I have been so blind to God's love for me. totally blinded. Everytime i fall into this pit, its becuase I look at the pit instead of God's love for me. God loves me deeply. ANd that's all i need to know.

I look back at the last hour or so this morning as i struggled to find the right formula of meaning in order to get back to this great love relationship i had with God a few months ago. I was reading through my most favorite journal, which i finished mid-october, and couldn't figure out why my prayers and entries were so much more real, free, like i was just talking to my very best friend, trusting him to take care of my every need.

Looking at myself today, struggling, trying to figure out what i stupid problem is. And then it was time for me to go. My mom came down and yelled at me to get up and leave and in my frustration, i yelled back "leave me alone!" something just snapped. I gave up. Got up to make my lunch and God whispered in my ear, "Its my love you are missing."

How do you miss something like that? I don't know. I do a pretty good job of it. Thats really why God's ways are not burdensome, because it only reqires an acceptance of his love. One of my most favorite blogs i have glue-sticked into my journal. In it there is a quote from B. Manning's books about an ordinary guy who was told something huge by his mentor. It goes like this:

"The heart of it is this; to make the Lord and immense love for you sonstituative of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved of God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life."

Everytime i get discouraged, God brings me back there. When I am simply dwelling in God's love, i am free from guilt, from condemnation, i don't care whether or not other people love me because i know that the One who's very being is love has defined my very person in his love. Today I am going to live in God's love. THis is the only place where I don't have to try harder to be somehting that is impossible.

Farther along in that same blog, another quote from Manning is written: "when i draw life and maning from any other source than by belovedness, I am spiritually dead." I read that today and the last few weeks of spiritual deadness flashed through my head. it was one of those DUh! moments. God seems to send me those moments whenever i simply shut up and let him say his peice. DUH!

So, here i am. Our car has a dead battery and I am late for school. But i don't think it was an accident. Right now my mom is on the phone with a woman from the chruch down the street trying to find someone who can help. I think God is asking to me turn off the car, sit quietly for a moment and simply consider his love.

Last night, i wrote in my journal, "If God's way is easy, I must be doing something wrong." Funny how God answers even the strangest prayers that might not even be what most would call a prayer. Thanks, Abba, for showing me what I was doing wrong.

God loves me, and that's all i really need to know.

"You, however, did not come to Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its decietful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therfore each of you must put off falshood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body." Ephesians 4:20-25

Do you ever feel like you are swimming through your own mind and drowning? or maybe it isn't the mind, but a pool of guilt. Its sticky, black, gooey, and there seems to be no way out. And how did you get it in? Somehow you just woke up in it. Its not that refreshing conviction that pulls you out of your problems, but that guilt that tangles you up in the law that has died.

I feel guilty today. Over what? I don'tknow. Should I be doing something else? Should I be more loving to my family? Or am I just scared of the time when I am going to do something wrong. Unpreparedness. I'm not really trusting God to take care of what is important and weed through all the stuff thats not. I'm so focused on not wasting this day that I end up wasting it in worry. So i quit. I'm done. Abba, please pull me out of this everlasting puddle of guilt. Remind me who I am. Your little child. Forgiven. Taken care of. You want something good for me today, so why don't I just let you make it happen? Thanks.

This is a rant. If you don't like rants, please feel free to skip this Blog until next time. I totally understand.

I'm feeling alone today. Empty. I don't know. Like no one understands and I put up this wall so no one will. Its like my live revolves around..I don't know. I feel lost and confused. What am I supposed to be doing? What is living? Stress. Anxiety. Aloneness.

I want to be in a place where I don't feel alone. I don't feel rejected. Where I am just free to be. Nothing false. No past or hurt or pain to hold me back from being who it is that I am. Right now I feel trapped in fakeness. Hiding. In the dark. I begin to come out, to cry for help and I get run over. Absolutely run over. Big fat wheel tracks, boot-tracks, paw prints on my face- while i stand tall. It hurts. Its like I'm just invisible. Not here. I've wrapped myself so tighly in stuff, work, whatever. So how do i reach out? I don't know. I don't know how to reach out. I don't really want to. It seems so much easier to crawl back into the shell away from the buldozers, the big fat boots, the wild animals. but it hurts anyway. like i start to come out and I get stuffed back in. Brushed aside. And you point out the fact that you've been brushed aside and then you just get a label slapped on you. You are just tired. Your not hungry, your tired. You are being a teenager. You have senioritis. You need to care more about my feelings. You'll be fine. Get that out of the fridge, would you? So, here I am, jammed in this box with a big sticker stuck across it. ITs just one of those cheap labels that you can print on one of those old dot-matrix printers that she uses to put on tupperwares in the freezer so she can keep the beans and the meat separated. But it gets wet and becomes ingrained in me. Why doesn't anyone hear me? Like I don't deserve to be hurting or have problems. There are more important things to worry about like chemistry homework and dinner. Thats how I feel. like me being a person takes second place to be accepted to the right school or getting the big scholarship. All this getting stuffed back in the box will be worth it once I don't have to worry about paying for college. I'd rather be in debt for the rest of my life than to be ignored, brushed aside, trampled, and shamed for simply wanting to be heard. I am so sick of it. tired. worn out. Its not my fault.

come on back to me. Today I was getting back to the heart of spending time with Abba, and it was really great. I have been so concerned about doing the "quiet-time" the right way, that I was missing everything that involved myself and it was really messing up the rest of my life. How wierd is that? I just hate it when I can't even get the simplest things straightened out, especially when they have the biggest effect on the rest of my life.

Anyway, Abba kept on bringing me back to these passages about idolitry (idolatry? Idoletry? I don't know. I think its idolatry), which is weird in a way, but so fitting. How often is it that when I am trying to do things the right way I end up worshipping myself? I was reading in Isaiah 44 today and a line hit me in in verse 18: "He shapes it in the form of man, of man in all his glory, that i may dwell in a shrine." A man in all his glory. In all my trying to be the best Christian, the best child of God I can be, I am trying to shape myself into a (wo)man in all her glory. Isn't God supposed to be the potter?

THen, I moved over the Jeremiah, when in 2:25, He says, "Do not run until your feet are bare and your throat is dry. But you said, 'it is no use! I love foreign gods, and I must go after them.'" When I think of my life when I am not depending on God for my every breath and am trying to meet all my own needs, (which is most of the time), this verse describes everything I am about. I tend to run my feet bare and my throat dry going after the god of acheivement, of having my check-box list all filled in.

Mike Devries often talks about repentance really being about returning. How often do we confess our sins in words something like this: "Dear Jesus, please forgive me for (insert numerously repeated sin here). I am sorry I did that again. I'm sick of doing it and I promise I will never do it again." And then we get up and do it again. The problem is that as long as we are being the very best christian we can possibly be in our flesh, on our own effort, we're going to do that sin until the cows come home. Repentance as returning however goes something like this: "Abba, somehow I got out of your arms. I quit depending on you to live your life through me and recreate me in Christ and so I naturally went back to my old master. WHat was I thinking? I want to come back to that place where I rest in your arms and you take care of this old habbit that has no place in my new, recreated life." Thats the prayer I had to pray this morning... focusing oh-god-of-the-checked-off-box-list instead of the One who nailed the checked-off-box-list to the cross and defeated its god there.

After reading about the shaping of the man in all his glorythe Lord goes on to say in verse 22, "return to me for I have redeemed you.'' I'll write that again becuase it is so good; "return to me, for I have redeemed you." "Return to me for I have redeemed you." Just quit it. All through the Bible, I keep picking up that theme. Just come on back to me. Crawl up on my lap. Go, leave your life of sin, and come back to me.

I love the way Abba just keeps driving the point home. I also love his sense of humor. Abba, I love your sense of humor and your commitment to our relationship. I closed my bible and came downstairs where I had left my stereo on and came into my room just as the last line of one of my favorite songs came on. I don't know who the artist is or the name of the song. Maybe Third Day's "Come on back to me" ? ANyway, I bet you can't guess what that last line was that hit me between the eyes...

Come on Back to me....

forgiveness. God has been teaching me a lot about this subject today and the past few days. I'm not sure if I'm getting it though. Maybe he wants me to see its not all as easy as I think.

Today I went into work and discovered that the person working before me hadn't come in and there were new supplies to be put away all over the small space behind the coffee cart. On top of that, I had a stream of disgruntled customers who had missed their afternoon coffee fix for about 2 hours. After having sort of a bad day at school. Needless to say I was not a "Happy Barrista" if you will. But I couldn't help but going back to forgiveness. What was it gaining me to be angry at this person who left me all this mess or our boss, who hasn't paid us and thus causing this other employee to go on a mini-strike? Nothing. I don't care if I get paid a week late. its not like I really need the money and it isn't that big of a deal to finally not have a boring night at work. But it always seems so much easier to get angry and tighten my grip on unforgiveness that let go and say, "Thank you Lord, for the extra tips and a little excitement in my life." After a lengthy conversation with God, I came to a conclusion of letting him fill my life with joy instead.

On the way home, I continued to think about this forgiveness thing. I've been dealing with it a lot with my parents lately. Well, considering the conversation I just had with God on the subject, it is no surprise that the song "Prodigal Dad" (I think its by Jonah 33, but don't quote me) came on to the radio. I've blogged about the meaning of this song before, and here i was, back in the same place with it... only different. The line that caught me tonight was, "My love is deeper than the pain, I'll forgive you every day." I never really heard this line before tonight, and I remember asking God numerous times, "How do you forgive when you know that the person is going to do it again, over and over?" My love is deeper than the pain. I'll forgive you every day. 70 times 7. Its hard stuff and I know I am nowhere near mastering it.

THats what I struggled with tonight at work. How can I just let go, forgive, and joyfully find a place for all these supplies in this tight space while trying to please impatient customers? I need to let people know that treating me this way isn't okay. And what about letting my boss know that its not okay for him to go on vacation and forget to pay his employees? How do you forgive without letting people take advantage of you? Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.

I guess thats also the risk that comes with Grace. God goes through it all the time. He gives all people grace and sometimes they take advantage of it. They sin all the more that grace may abound. But when you really understand the grace and forgiveness of God, you can only obey out of love, not obligation, and it makes it hard to take advantage of someone who has shown you such love through his grace and forgiveness.

So where am i now with forgiveness? I don't know. The first time I ever met with my mentor, I remeber her telling me how forgiveness, especially for my parents, is so important for spiritual growth; other people have told me that they couldn't really experience growth in Christ until they forgave. I want that freedom, but its hard. Is my love deeper than the pain? I don't know?

Even tonight, after getting home from work, and having this "great revelation" about forgiveness, my parents started talking to me about stuff I didn't really care about to hear, and I got angry, frustrated that they just weren't letting me do whatever I wanted to do, they were skrewing up the plans I had. My mom was saying stuff that I don't agree with, that I've been fighting so hard against , and instead of just letting it go, I blew up, got mad. Why do I do that?

Letting go. Surrendering. I huge thing I am learning right now is that life is a process. I dont' have to have it all figured out at this very second; God is making me who he wants me to be day by day. If I don't get it all right now, thats okay with him. He knows. He planned it that way.

Abba, would you keep working on me? I feel stuck, Like there is a brick wall in my face, but you are slowly peeling that wall away. Philipians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Thank you Abba that you are faithful!!

There is nothing more frustrating than having to get somewhere without any way to get there. People pushing you from behind when you can't even move your feet.

This has been a crazy week-- so crazy that I have lost myself and let God run the cruise control. Its great, totally freeing.

One thing I have really learned is the power of prayer, the potency of its poison if you will; however, my learning about prayer hasn't come from my own, but the power of prayers from others for me. Do you ever have those days when you just know someone must be praying for you? Its like a huge gust of wind at your back; a refreshing drink of cool water out of nowhere.

As a senior in High School, it needent be explained my need for prayer- its a commonly known fact that I'm liable to drown at any moment if I take my eyes off the one who keeps me afloat. Only a few short weeks ago I had no idea where to turn, what choices to make in the short time I had to make them, and how to figure out the rest of my life. But so many things have just come upon me- fallen in my lap. I have a pretty clear picture of what I need to take care of, where to turn, and a probable picture of my future. Inner-conflicts have dissolved, hope keeps shining through on what used to be my darkest fears.

I wish I could put into words what it is like to know you are being prayed for; unfortunately, it is something that can only be experienced. A couple weeks ago, I asked my mentor to pray for my friendships; I needed prayer for companionship, people my age to support me, to know I was loved and to be able to love people. The past few weeks have been incredible. I have enjoyed the deepest friendships and have experienced serious healing in my relationships. People that used to darken my thoughts and bind me up in frustration are cool breezes, breaths of fresh air in my life. I'm learning to love and be loved.

Prayer. I want to say its "cool," but i don't want to cheapen it. Prayer is... life changing. Transformational. Encouraging. At times its life-saving, disaster-stopping. Other times its that deep breath that reminds me that my worth is based on the fact that my very person is rooted in God's love; it keeps me from suffocating and drowning.

Last night at youth group, my youth pastor talked about prayer, likening it to a love letter. What a beautiful picture. And sometimes it is a love letter directed at both God and others. Or maybe its sharing your deepest love, God, Abba, Daddy with those who need it most. Sitting in prayer. Silently sitting at the feet of the Good Teacher. Listening for those things I do not know and cannot find out. Pouring out my heart. How can communication with the Almighty God, the Creator of the Universe, the very one who formed the deepest part of my soul be anything less than life-changing, transformational and encouraging?

Abba-- lately i've been having a hard time finding that place of solitude, really sitting down and meeting with you, hanging out with you. I miss it. I miss talking to you.. really talking, pouring everything out upon you feet. slow down my crazy life and take me to a place of solitude with you. Take me out to the middle of the lake. Make my prayers to be breaths of fresh air- life-chaning, transformational, encouragng breaths of fresh air to others. Use my prayers in the lives of others. Break down those walls in my life that keep me from really coming to you from my heart. Abba, thank you for the beautiful thing you have created called prayer. Its way better than the invention of the telephone.

He Knows What I Have Need of

FOr the past few days, I have been having a hard time sitting down and meeting with God in solitude; I don't know what to say in my prayers or read in His word. But I love how that doesn't stop God from speaking-- he knows what I have need of.

Toda after doing a little fake quiet time, I got up to do something else- and it was here, well, actually in my bathroom while i was blow-drying my hair, that God chipped a little bit away from his masterpeice he is making me to be today. He said, "I said love each other becuase I have first loved you, not becuase you have a debt to repay to me, but rather becuase you cannot understand how to love until you understand my love for you." Love one another becuase I have first loved you. At the time, it seemed like sort of a random topic for God to bring up-- I hadn't asked him about it, but he knew what I was in need of.

Lately I have been asking God what it means to "make desciples" and how to really care for someone without holding anything back. Isn't it weird how God ties things together that my brain is too small to connect. You cannot understand how to love others until you understand what love is from me.

After TEAM, for one fo the first times in my life, I felt loved. I had experienced God's love for me there- and coming back home I could walk without shame or self-condemnation. I knew I was loved. And as a result, I didn't see people by trying to figure out how they would weigh me on thier scales, but rather as people who need to experience that love of God too.

TEAM has been more than one hundred days past now; I worry about loosing these great truths that were brought before my heart-eyes. But God is faithful- He knows what I have need of. Today I went to school not living to make sure I lived out the lesson I learned in quiet time and being stressed over my performance, but I went living, knowing that somehow, even though I didn't stick to the schedule, the little check-the-box chart, my Abba would make something happen in my life, somehow i had this peace that I didn't have to try to be the finished work right this minute on my own, but Abba was taking me there.

And I was encouraged by simple fellowship. I got to do a ridiculasly huge astronomy word search with two of my friends who simply need someone to do a word-search with. I got to go help kids learn to draw- or express whatever it is they want to expres. I got to laugh with more people in PE while we played a terrible game of volleyball for "Friday Fun-day." In Math, I helped a girl through the struggles of statistics, listened to her pain of a hurtful teacher and family. I prepared for a big day of ministry on monday with good friends.

Sometimes I wonder: Am I really making a difference in lives? Am I a light shining God's love? Am I Loving others becuase I understand God's love for me first. I look at days like today and realize that God isn't concerned about how many chapters I read before rushing to school at 7:15- he might have been glad to allow me to sleep those extra 10 minutes and spend the rest of the day teaching me a little more about his love.

Lately God has been talking to me a lot about the woman at the well. I think it is the coolest thing when God makes himself clear. one of the things that I have been drilling my Abba Teacher about lately is this "evangelism" thing. Its so confusing to me... but he has been speaking a few things through this outcast woman in John 4.

John 4:39 says, "Many of the Samaritans from that town beleived in him becuase of of the woman's testimony. 'He told me everything I ever did'." I have a hard time with evangelism becuase sometimes it seems forced and akward to me- and I sometimes feel as though I should do it becuase its a box I need to check to be "the right kind of Christian." The whole thing about it being a command awakens in me that rebellion that comes from being human. I have the desire for people to see the life Christ came to bring, but when I go back to my sunday school education, I go back to thinking of it as a chore, something I have to do.

But I think this verse says a lot about how sharing the living water with people works. I don't need to have this rehearsed speech or be worried about not doing it well enough to check the box-- I'm only called to share who Jesus is to me. The samaritan woman's message was simple,"He told me everything I ever did."

Tonight one of the deacons at my church shared his testimony; this was a guy who I have known of for a long time but not really someone i know deep enough to really knowthem. It was so cool to hear the humanness of this person I wrote off as being the type that was probably a christian his whole life, blah, blah, blah... How wrong of me to think of him- or any other person, for that matter, in that light. Everybody has a story and God uses each peice of our stories in our lives not only to draw us to himself but the people we share them with as well.

One thing inparticular that Gary shared tonight was that the woman who was a part of God's team in bringing him to christ stuck out to him becuase he had never heard anyone talk about Jesus in the way that she did. He said it was so personal, and that he thought she might even float out of the convertable car they were riding it at the time. I began to think about myself. Am I a person that people would say talks about Jesus in a way they have never heard before? Am I real enough with people to let them see my heart, who Jesus is to me?

I get caught up in this thinking that sharing the gospel has to be rehearsed and practiced and done just right until you suck all the heart out of it, but i don't really think that's any way to "make disciples." Jesus made his disciples by meeting them where they were at and by sharing his life with them. And they went out, simply sharing thier own testimonies.

I don't want to be an evangelist; I want to be a heart-sharing samaritan woman, simply believing becuase "He told me everything I ever did."

They said to the woman, "We no longer believe just becuase of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world." John 4:42

Pray Continually

It seems like when i hang out alone too much, I start to drive myself crazy-- i loose track of what is true and obsess over everything. I obsess myself to the point of exhaustion-- but I can never relax or stop. Augh. I really hate it.

So what is true in my life right now? I'm not sure. It seems like i have to keep relearning this concept of coming to the end of myself, leaving everything in the arms of my Abba. I mean, why can't i already know the formula for balance in life? I think i need to know everything right now... ahhhh. Deep breath. I give up. Take care of it, Abba. I want to quit. Fix me. I'm stuck.

hey, all you millions who read my blog (insert laugh here), check out my blog from friday, sept 3 (sorry, i don't know how to make a link b/c i'm non-savvy). But anyway, its a good one and it totally describes my life right now too. Which is cool. Who says history doesn't repeat itself? Anyway, check it out, its cool.

I am at rest today... I love being able to talk to people and then just go... "aaahhhhhhh." like breathing in the moutain air. I'm okay. Lets all stop worrying, shall we?

I feel inadequate today. Who am i? Do you ever get to one of those places where you just forget who you are-- everything that you have been taught and everything you know to be true? I like Philippians 1:6 that says, "BEing confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to copletiton unitl the day of Christ Jesus. But i'm having a hard time internalizing it today. Or for about a week for that matter.

Is it loneliness. holding myself back from people? I don't know. I'm physically stressed and tired and so I just don't have the energy or state of mind to reach out and say, "I need help! Could somebody give me a hug?!"

Today I got my senior pictures taken. For some reason whenever I am in public with my parents, i just don't want anyone to think i am happy about the situation I am in with them or that I love them. Why is that?

I have been reading, Philip Yancey's "What's so Amazing about Grace," and the part I am at right now is talking about how forgiveness is so totally against this world's everything. To forgive is so unnatural. Am I still working though forgiving my parents for not being perfect and don't want anyone in the world to know i am doing something so... unworldly? I don't know. I have a hard time letting the Christ Spirit inside me show through the dingy shame I feel around my parents. Is that it? I don't know. abba, carry it on to completion.

I think i am having a hard time falling into Abbas arms right now. I am so worried about what my teachers and everybody else thinks that I am letting those lies from Deciever totally steal my joy. I've got that mask of shame on and i just want it off. Abba, would you take my mask off? I aks in sincerity now, live in me the freedom you have already won for me.

i'm just curious to know if anybody actually reads this... anybody at all?

Tar and Feathers... a theological lesson from Huck Finn

In my AP english class, we are reading Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," and as we were discussing it today in class, i came across a great illustration of grace in it.

Huck has been traveling with two frauds, who claim to be a Duke and a King in order to milk Huck and Jim for all their worth. These two "rapscallions"go from town to town as "missionaries" and "playwrites" and are your typical fraudulant traveling salemen. Well, eventually, the two get caught and and as Huck watches as the townsfolk drive them out of town tar-and-feathered, he says of the frauds, "Them poor rascals," and says of the townspeople, "Some people are just so cruel," even though perfect justice was served. What a beautiful picture of grace.

The King and the Duke had taken advantage of Huck to no end, taking over his own raft and bed, and even went so far as to sell Jim, his best friend who also happened to be a runaway slave, for a mere $40. But nevertheless, Huck's heart went out to them, all covered in tar and feathers-- just what they deserved.

I have been wondering lately where justice and grace cross. I mean, the King and the Duke had it coming. When they get tar-and-feathered, from the readers' point of view, we all think, "Its about time. WE're finally rid of these jerks," but Huck, who is involved with them in the depths of their trickery feels sorry for them. Is this how God sees me when I am tar and feathered? Is this how i should view others? hmmm.... Theological lessons from Huckleberry Finn....

Prodigals

On my journey in devlving deeper into this grace thing, i have been reading, "What's so amazing about Grace," by Philip Yancey. In his book, Yancey uses a number of illustrations, stories, and JEsus' parables to show what grace is and how it works. It has really changed my view towards parables. It seems like so often when we study parables, we automatically assume they are stories to tell us how we need to shape up and be better christians, but for the most part, i don't think that this was the "author's purpose" at all. Jesus used parables to show the truth about himself and the father. No wonder so many Christians feel burned out! If we would just take those parables and take them to our heart-- allow them to penetrate who we are as God's creations-- how much more we would be fulfilled in our walk!

The parable that has touched me the deepest in the past few weeks has been that of the prodigal son. Yancey restates it in more contemparary terms with a young girl from Traverse City, Michigan who runs away and prostitutes herself as the prodigal. While reading this, something inside of me just broke and i just sat in tears and amazement. I'd heard the story a million times, but not until recently I have never known quite how to interpret it nor have i really allowed it to affect me. Yancey ends the story like this,"

"She walks into the terminal not knowing what to expect. Not one of the thousnad scenes that have played out in her mind prepare her for what she sees. There, in the concrete-walls-and-plastic-chiars bus terminal in Traverse City Michigan, stands a group of forty brothers and sisters and great-aunts and uncles and cousins and a grandmother and great-grandmother to boot. They're all wearing goofy part hats and blowing noise-makers, and taped across the entire wall of the termmianl is a computer-generated banner that reads "welcome home!"
Out of the crowd of well-wishers breaks her dad. She stares out through the tears quivering in her eyes like hot mercury and begins the memorized speech, 'Dad, i'm sorry I know...'
He interupts her, 'Hush child. We've got no time for that. No time for apologies. You'll be late for the party. A banquet's waiting for you at home.'"

I keep seeing this image of a "Lovesick father" standing at the end of the road with his arms open, running towards me. Could this be my father, my Abba? Waiting like that for me? Am i going to have to make some kind of excuse? Or will he just welcome me in, wanting to have the party and forgetting everything behind.

You know, i really don't like the analogy of our faith being a race to be run, becuase frankly, i just hate running. Athletic training is right at the bottom of my list of priorities. But to know that i can simply lay down in my Abba's arms and he'll do the running for me brings air back into my lungs.

All this stuff about grace makes me want to pass it along to someone else. I want to give all my money to throw someone a party or buy my good friend the blazer that she wants. isn't it amazing how simply knowing how beautiful God is can totally change my perspective towards others.

Knowing about God's grace for me also makes me think about those who i have been less than forgiving towards. There is a Jonah 33 song that says, "THis song goes out to my prodigal dad," and as i read through this book, that line just keeps coming back. My dad has turned away from God and won't let go of his pride long enough to accept God's grace. He says things about my Abba that make me so angry and says things to me that are so hurtful, but God never gives up on him, even though i usually do. I would like to stop giving up, to show my earthy father the grace that my heavenly abba has given both of us. I want to be able to stand at the end of the road with my arms open. But right now i feel like the road is awfullly long. And i don't think that i can unlock my knees to run down the road yet... but someday maybe.... If my other daddy will pick me up and carry me there...

who else is there in my life who i need to be more graceful with? My friends at school, my partners in ministry who i don't think are doing their job right, or at least i used to think that. I remember last year being frustrated that people weren't shaping up to be the kind of christians i thought i had to be.. today i can look at those same people with grace. I can see a big distance from where i was then to where Abba has brought me now. Its one of those questions i asked him to answer, and here I am, holding it in my hand.

So this song goes out to my prodigal dad...

Freefalling... the lessons continue

Do you ever feel like a big, square world has been dropped right on your chest and the corner of it is just digging right into your soul? Today, all of the sudden it hit me. its like, as soon as I get of Abba's lap, i sprawl out on the floor, and that big box of world just hits me. Wham. Foom. striaght out of the sky. And it hurts. I can't breath. I feel smashed, getting squeezed into it.

So tonight I got off Abba's lap and decided to be efficient and get all my homework done and just ignore the difficulty of all the work i had to get done for the sake of "being responsible." And it just felt like a big box, unmoveable dropped on my chest.

I am feeling very pressured about making some kind of college decision, but the people who are pushing me into making the decision are pushing me into a brick wall. I feel the push from the back, but I am looking at a wall. Intimidation. Overwhelmed. A non-existent time in my schedule for me to decide the direction of my future. Looking into a black hole of my future, wondering if the moment I take one step forward out side of the lit room i stand in now, into the blackness i cannot judge the depth or width or scope of, is scary. And i'm alone. I don't hear any voices inside that black hole, the doorway, just silence and blackness.

So I finally let myself relax (a little) and shut all my books, quit reading the college planning packet, and put them away to give myself a sense of finality about the matter, and turned on the radio. The new DC talk song on Toby Mac's new CD came on and something inside of me just broke. I could hear Abba saying, "I wanted you to hear this from me." I don't even remember all the details of it now, but a few lines knocked from the other side of the box on my chest. "I'll always be there... I'll leave the light on... unconditional...."

Earlier today someone said to me that they were just working on falling into Abba's arms. That really resonated with me then because that is a place I too am at... But this afternoon, as i listned to that song, the reality came back into focus. I had crawled out...

Lately God has been working on my ability to express who i am, what i'm feeling, mostly through my art. And he keeps bringing me back to a few sensations that I would like to express. One is the feeling of freefalling. Some people hate the feeling of falling, but I LOVE it. I would like to go hangliding sometime. That feeling of just gliding on the air, but you know there is something holding you. I think Grace and trusting God is a lot like freefalling-- you just let yourself fall right into his soft, strong, capable hands.

This other thing that I have a longing to express is something of a box. I think the world is just one giant box. Hard, unyeilding, always wanting to put you in it, make you a part of it. The more i learn about God and his grace, the more i realize how he is nothing like the ways of this world. The ability for me to not go to one of my classes today, and just rest in his arms, free from everything.... Thats is freefalling, out of the box.

The best thing about it is that when I get out of the world mentality and fall back into Abba's arms is that he is still in charge of that demanding world. He will take care of all this silly garbage like grades and college applications right under my nose. And i'll look back and wonder what miracle took care of it... and i'll know it was my Abba... And i'll freefall into his arms.

Sort of an excuse to be lazy...freefalling

Lately I have been getting back into the heart of what grace is-- what living the Christ-life really looks like, and I see myself being unburied. Like that thing that I was missing in my Christ-life was my own self- that is, the person I am in Christ. The past couple of weeks I have really been investigating and seeking God about how he means for me to be living life and the overwhelming truth that i have found is that this new creation thing that you read about in Sunday School is a lot huger and cooler and basically takes up everything everything everything. I just get overwhelmed with the very thought that so many people-- most people I know-- are missing it!

The past few weeks have had the potential to be total stress-outs, which they sort of have been, but it has really taught me to let go of everything. Essentially drop all my responsibility in the arms of my Abba and go frolicking in the fields of Grace. So many times I have had big homework assignments or needing my room cleaned or something that need to be done and I just don't see how i can get through it without falling over in exhaustion nad my Abba, who loves me and provides all things, puts my books away in a neat pile and hides my planner and lets me rest, and then when I have put my priorities first, he provides time and energy to complete the rest.

The other day i forgot to do a small thing that would have made me a little more perfect in the flesh, but forgot to take care of it because I needed to write a note to a campfire friend in need of encouragement, and I remeber my dad saying, "Kids these days just don't know what is really important." But the thing is that I used to feel the same way, but all these "important" things left me empty and wanting.

So many promises have been fulfilled or are in the process of being fulfilled to me this week. Do you ever ask God to teach you something or to make some truth real in your life and forget about it the next day? There are tons and tons of those requests that I suddenly remember making that are being made real today and yesterday-- right in the middle of class or dinner or driving down the street. I see these things I asked God to keep reminding me and teaching me about during the summer continually come up. Its sort of like standing in the middle of a vast lawn on a hot day wondering if you are just going to burn up and all of the sudden the sprinklers come on.

It is so refreshing to me to let go of the law. Its a great assurance to me to know that the person of Christ living in me is never going away. I don't have to clean up my act in a certain way for me to be close to God and the amount of my "christianness" is not defined by how good a job I do at having the right appearance. I don't need to worry about having to cover anything i don't want exposed-- if i just allow the Christ in me to flow out, I am in the right place. Lettting go... its a weird, unearthly thing.

So now, my question is, how do people miss it? I know I did, but I don't think its something widely publicised. Are christians afraid that if we let of the control of our own lives, something bad might come out? How do we skim over this huge stuff and move on to trying to fulfill the law which has been done away with and only has power when we actually do sin? I just don't get it. Does Satan have such a stronghold over our churches that we don't even see it? Or is it because we choose to shut our eyes to everything else, like pain and brokeness, that this just gets clumped in there too?

This is freedom, PEOPLe!! It seems like we read that Christ brings freedom and so we add that to our list of things we need to make sure we have so the world doesn't see us as a fraud. And so we come back to letting go of what we think we should be and being what we are-- Perfect saints in Christ. The righteous shall live by faith...

www.joyextra.com

A couple days ago, my aunt sent me this link to her website, which is such a cool story. You all should check it out because its so cool and its an amazing picture of the way God speaks and provides and makes his will so evident in our lives. I love this...

www.joyextra.com

I sort of feel like the wind has been knocked out of me and everyone is against me and i am alone. But deep down i know it isn't true. But what is?

I've had a long, stressful weekend full of questions and answers and questions again. And now i'm exausted, unable to decide how to relax or if i should just do some homework.

Today I attended the National Art Portfolio Review Day. Baiscally, you go and there are all the art schools that i have ever ever ever dreamed of even being thought of by and they tell you whether or not you are worthy of thier greatness and how you can work to get there.

It was a scary experience. Sort of. Well, I was very calm and accepting of thatever might happen, but now i feel a little sick, which might just be a few of those nastly little lies that get whispered in my ear when i am too tired to listen to anything else.

I saw a few schools and it went well, but when i finally got to the School of the Art Instatute of Chicago, I had a huge wake-up call which i expected but still blew me in the face. The thing she said was that she couldn't see anything about me in my work. It was all just assignments and technical, but nothing saying who is Heidi. And i knew it. I was surprised she was the only one to point it out-- but THat little liat is whistpering in my eat, "you'll never be able to do that," "Its too hard to actually say something through your art." And in my fatigue, I'm beginning to buy into it. But i think i'll stop.

I realize that everything that woman said about my work was true. And the tone in which she put it sort of made me not want to attend this school with so much pressure. Thats a lot of pressure. But it made me think: what do i feel? What do i have to say? Why haven't i sai d it? Why am i so scared to say whatever it is?

I am coming to the point in my life where i'm realizing that hiding your feelings is detrimental. I am slowly beginning to see the depth of the pain in my life. So what keeps the passion out of my art, my life, my person, the every expression of who i am? I dont' know. Fear? Is it one of those things that just needs to mature in my life? I have a hard time being patient with the things in my life that aren't perfect yet. Just reading over that last sentence makes me sick a little. But i think maybe thats the environment i'm in. "bE PERFECT NOW!!" i get stuck in this trap that tells me i need to have everything together, know things that are out of my reach.

This week God has taught me about "loosing my life" and his living his life in me the way it was intended. I have seen him do amazing things through my art. Can he do this biggest thing? Can he expose the root of who i am? Can he take this fear inside me that really isn't even part of the spirit i have becuase of his gift and throw it as far as the east is from the west? Can he develop these things in me in His time and teach me to leave everything at the cross? I suppose so.

But where does that leave me on this lonely, tired night before i start it all over again? In trust. Maybe in bed, sleeping. Maybe just resting in the fact that there is nothing that i need to be doing other than resting in the arms of my Abba. Trust. laying myself across his arms. I see a painting coming on...

I've got a lot of stuff swimming around in my head tonight-- do you ever have those days? When you have so many thoughts and questions and things you want to say but don't know where to begin or organize it.

Tonight my youth pastor's wife shared her testimony-- a life full of pain and flesh, and being the right kind of christian for the right kind of people. And it reminded me a lot of myself.

I just love to look back on my life and see all that God has done in me-- how he has taken me from a life of terrible junk and taken me sin and all into his arms. I'm a big journaler and i'm also a bigger artist, so i love to see patterns of things in my own life where at the time it looked like I needed to clean up my act or like a trial i was going through was a result of some kind of sin i needed to take care of, and i see them now, or in hindsight as they say, and I see God's great big mighty hand carving away at my hand, marble block of a life. Some artist-- picasso, i think it was, said that when an artist creates a stone carving, he was simply taking off the outside of the block to reveal the peice of art inside. What a beautiful picture of what God does in my own life.

Lately I have come back to the heart of who I am in Christ-- a person I had been missing, heaped in a big pile of condemnation and shame. I had forgotten the importance of letting other people see into my life. There is the flesh pattern brought out so heavily in my life with school that tells me that i need to have all the answers on my own and i need to have it together. And taking time out for people to help me with those things i just need to buck up and figure out is a poor time-management manuever. I forgot that people don't just need me, I need them too. I used to think that needing people was selfish. Sometimes i still believe the lie.

But I guess this is my point: I need peple to keep me on track. I need people to point out those ugly little lies that destroy me. I need someone to laugh with. I need people to see who I am. I need to stop with the goal-orientation and become a seeker, a journeyer-- on the journey not alone. Its hard to reach out to people and to be in their lives becuase you know they need it when you still feel empty and unknown yourself.

I remember when I first understood this concept that it is okay and crucial to allow myself to be loved-- and when i put it into practice. I could't help but let that love I knew ooze out. but now i feel like i'm drying up a little. Its easy to begin a great new relationship with someone you have never met, but to peel off that hardened mask you have been wearing for those who have known you forever is a different story.

So, I'm praying. I am deciding to stop applying more glue and layers and i'm going to let God take it off for me... There is nothing else i can do. I need people.

I... Need... People

I feel alone today. I've felt alone for quite a while now. School is hard, life is hard, and i don't really have time to sit down and work through it. Anyway, trying to work through it on my own in the little time i allow myself doesn't do much good.

At TEAM, I understood for the first time the importance of other people and being honest and open, but since then, I haven't really allowed myself to put it into practice for myself. I mean, I love to make people feel less alone and be that happy, reaching out person that I am. But i dread the question "how are you?" Mostly becuase when people ask me they are running by or thinking about something miles away. No one means it. Do you know how I am? I'm tired, burned out, frustrated, and very alone. But I don't want to burden anyone with that. I thought i was over it. Done. Beyond it. But i Think i really just took on a mindset that i needed to take on the world about it-- like a crusader, telling everyone how they needed to change. But I went into it alone. And so, here I am, four weeks into my senior year, blowing myself off. I tell myself, all you need to do is get better, do better try harder, be a better time manager. Wrong. I need to allow myself to blubber all over someone's living room couch.

So i'm alone. how do i reach out my arm out of this desolate place, drenched in my own tears and still dry and empty? I guess that's why they say that opening your heart might result in it being wrenched and possibly broken. I feel like there is a great big monster in my heart, pounding, pounding, pounding, wanting to get out. But i'm afraid of what it will look like. I don't want other people to have to clean up the mess it makes.

And so i'm alone.

My Will

The past few weeks I have been trying to make my life work. For those of you who are like me, you probably know how well that works. I was getting so frustrated and angry and for what reason? Why couldn't i read the bible without a numbness? WHy don't I understand anything about God anymore?

I like to have things all together. Organization is the pride of my life. I love it. However, I have a hard time maintaining it. Last night I laid myself out. I simply asked God to open my eyes to where i was at. I couldn't see it.

Its amazing the way God works. We have been talking about prayer in youth group these past two weeks and today being See You at The Pole, i've got it on my brain. And it is amazing how quickly God really does answer prayer. Tonight at youth group, God pounded one thing into my heart:

Am I praying "Your Will, not mine?"

As you probably guess, the answer was no. John aksed us if we ever pray, "Lord send me through hell today if that is what draws me closer to you." I've felt like the past few weeks of my school life have been hell. But I don't think God sent me there. I think I did. A few weeks ago, the verse that says, "Whoever tries to keep his life will loose it and he who looses his life will find it," or something to that effect. I heard it. But I hardened my heart to it. I had it in my mind but not in my heart.

I try to keep my life- I hang on to it for dear life. But tonight I'm starting over. Thank God for clean slates. Lives washed in the blood.I quit. My will is garbage, crap, whatever. Empty and worthless-- a lot like i've felt about my life lately. But if i submit to His will, he will fill it back up.
Lord, I give up. I'm tired. Thats just the beginning. I'm tired of trying. Show me your will.

People

I was reading through a few blogs tonight and thinking how great it is that there are other people out there who have the same struggles and the same things they are learning from God at this very moment- no matter how far way they live or how different our lives our. And there are those blogs that really make you think- the ones that make you question everything and force you to think about what is it that you believe.

Community and people and relationship are such huge things. Until just recently, I never realized what relationship even was. I remeber thinking a few months ago, "how do you form a relationship with someone," simply becuase I felt so dried out and worthless and alone. I always thought relationship was something that had to be earned somehow. Like you have to measure up in order to be loved and accpeted. I mean, isn't this the way of the world? But that's not the way of God, the creator of relationship. He says that he demonstrates his own love for us, that already established love relationship, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He didn't wait until we shaped up a little or put on the right mask, or did the right dance, or wore the right clothes, or hung out with the right people, but while we were still not measuring up, He died. I think we get numb to that. that whole thing about him dying. While i was still sinning, doing that stuff that tells him i don't want a relationship with him in the first place, he loved me as a person, a friend, a child, and he stepped in front of the bullet. He took my paycheck with the black spot on it, cashed it in, and then ripped it up. And not becuase of righteous things I had done, but becuase of his mercy.

This morning I was reading about the journey and community and i came upon Romans 12:25, which says "And if one part is suffering every part suffers with it; If one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." This really hit me becuase how often do we really see a community with this kind of devotion? How often do I excercise this myself. I mean, we all have our best friends, our little cliques in the body, and when one of those close friends is hurting, we hurt for them and all that jazz, but when its somene we don't know so well, who isn't in our clique, our immediate prayer group, we just think, "well, someone is hurting for them. I can't do everything." And what about rejoicing with the honored. I don't do this either. Sometimes, ok, lots a times, when "one part" is honored, i get jelous. I don't like rejoicing with them becuase it makes me less. THat's something that God needs to work on me. Nevertheless, i'm learning, and what a beautiful thing it is when we embrace this wonderful thing of community. Our brothers and sisters.

Lately, I have had a couple of friends tell me that they are ready to give up on church altogether. Not God, just his bride, his body, his church. It breaks my heart to see them miss out on the community God has planned for them as his children becuase I myself know what it means to be alone- without it, even when i attended church every sunday and wednesday and event and this and that. It breaks my heart to know that entire churches are missing out on this. Or even entire towns or even states where these people live. Have we so missed God's intention for our lives?

After discovering the depth of this huge community thing, I wonder why after all my life in the church, i had never been told Genesis 2:18 "It is not good for man to be alone." Why? WHY?! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. What keeps most christians dry? Lonliness. I used to feel like I should do my quiet time in my bedroom early in the morning with the door shut, boxed in with my boxed-in God. How many people are shutting that door for the sake of lving the christian life "the right way"? Now i do my quiet time on the kitchen table while the rest of my family eats breakfast and prepares for the day. Now they see. And now i get filled up with the love of people around me. I look at God's ceation-- his image in the people in my family as I seek him about how to love them and his other creations during the day. I no longer look at my wall in my stuffy little room where it is too quiet to even stay awake.

Lately i have been thinking about people. Just people. I was driving to the dentist today and i saw a man walking. And i thought to myself, "There is a creation of God with a soul and a spirit and hurts and a deep life, why can i just look at him and drive by?" we think becuase we see people, we know them. We know about them. But i don't think we really see people until we see thier hearts-- to see what really drives them, their lives, thier spirits, their hurts. It has been said that we are not physical bodies with spirits, but spirits with physical bodies, or something like that.

Who knew that simple people would be so deep and complex? We must truly be the image of God becuase I just don't understand it. People are so deep and so wide and mysterious and complex, and just so... out of the box. And we try to put ourselves in boxes and expect others to do the same. And we put God in a box and expect him to adjust.

In my AP english class, we do a lot of discussions on literature and it is so amazing to see who people are through that. To see the hurts expressed through their interpretation of a book or how they react to other people or what they think about thier own writing is astounding. It breaks my heart, most of the time. It breaks my heart to see who i am in all of this too.

What is my point? I'm not sure. I have never seen people as God's greatest creations before. That sounds a little silly and "like, duh!" but i mean, really, God has been talking to me a lot lately about numbness. its so easy to become numb-- to the man on the street, a God sending his son to die, or just things that are, "like duh!" People are amazing beings. And who am i to think myself so wonderful and not see the wonder in each and every person How could we have missed this wonderful gift of each other? We get so caught up in worldly solutions to our problems, that we miss the most powerful-- each other.

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes; Art is knowing which ones to keep"

I don't know who siad this quote, but I have always liked it... I fancy myself to be an artist and revel in creative anything really, but i don't really know if this quote could describe me.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about allowing myself to be wrong-- to stop worrying about doing the right thing or being the right person to the right people at the right time and simply living. I sell myself short from experiencing God's power through my weakness i think.

Maybe its school. You know, its the place where you are expected to do your best, give your all, make yourself look really great for all those silly college people. Over the summer, I learned a lot about allowing myself to be a sinner, to admit that I really can't do it on my own, and that trying to be a "good christian" has nothing to do with being saved my grace through faith. But now I'm back in school. And its the place of the world that is so demanding! "Do your best!" "Beat the competition!" "Better look good for those colleges!" So what happens when I don't understand and I don't have all the answers. When yes, I really don't understand math. Its so comfusing how they intend it to be the place to learn, yet you are looked down upon somehow if you don't already know how to do everything. Maybe its not really school at all. Maybe its me, that sinful nature coming out.

But somehow I've transfered that over to God, the real core of my life, the thing that really matters. Is it okay if i don't already know the answers? What if I'm not as mature as i think i need to be to please him? What happens when I don't turn in every assignment? Am I a dissapointment to him? To my parents? My dad? or myself.

I'd like to be able to give myself the room to be wrong. It was easy without pressure from the rest of the world, but where does that leave me now? Can I let go of my pride, even allow myself the humiliation to be wrong, to let someone else win, to be okay with second best in my book if that means being equal in God's? Is that taking up my cross? Maybe.

I've always loved the concept of teachability. Something fulfilling about the word. But how can I be teachable when I can never be wrong? You can't be right all the time and teachable too. So, I give up. I think I'll allow myslef to be the sinner that i am now and let God handle the rest. Maybe that's what he meant when he said, "The righteous shall live by faith." (no, i don't know what the reference is)

Just Living

This has been a wild week on the journey... full of twists and turns and mostly a lot of distractions and Deciever whispering in my ear. During the summer, I hoped and prayed that I would not fall into that terrible pit that I inevitably do during the school year-- that place where you just feel terrible and can't help but hate where you are at- no matter how good it is. I thought that after all i'd been through and learned this summer i would have to problem getting by, taking care of it- or so i hoped. But I fell in this week.

I woke up after a great day of experiencing my Lord and seeing his face so clearly on sunday to a dark monday cloud. I was so focused on not loosing that great feeling-- i wanted to keep from loosing God. And Satan took that and used it-- he told me I was wrong to want to know God at all, that God wasn't going to be there this week, that he was done with me and it was silly of me to want that. Why would I deserve it.

And so I went for three whole days with this giult and frustration, this joy-robbing weight on my heart and soul and even now feel it a little bit. But its amazing what other people can do for you Before this summer, I didn't know that it was normal for me to need people-- i thought that was a sin, like friendship and relaxation and having a reason to enjoy life outside of accomplishment was an abomination or something. But the moment I shared that pain, that frustration and attack, with another person, an amazing thing happened. I let go. It went away. Prayer is a powerful thing.

Yesterday I was getting up and taking my stand back, but was still a little shaky-- and then someone came alongside me and prayed. They shared their heart. They gave me one of those heart-bandaids. And i went home from school and i went to work and something happened inside me. I had a joy and a peace again. I felt alive and loved and wanted. Something we often think we don't deserve or shouldn't have, you know?

As I look back on my week, God was showing his face to me all the time-- just as i was begging him to, but I couldn't see it until I stopped letting Deciever tell me to think about myself and began focus my eyes on my Father and provider. As I looked through my planner for the past week, i saw all my homework was done, I'd overcome a big obstacle, he'd provided a place to work where i could rest and relax, good tips, good conversation, and simply a love that never gives up on me, I got a huge encouragement about things God is doing through me, and God did big things in our school ministry. As I look back on the week, I realize I knew these things but didn't let them touch my heart. A verse keeps ringing in my heart: James 4:7, "Subit yourselves to the Lord, resist the devil and he will flee from you."

One thing God really has spoken into my life is the difference between trying real hard to be the person I think i need to be to please him and simply living and being the person he is creating me to be at this moment. I am fearfully and wonderfully made-- that has to be good for something, right? Now the tick is keeping Satan from getting this mixed up for me.

Its hard for me to remeber that my life doesn't revolve around the way I feel, but by faith in truth. How easy to forget, but how important to remeber. Lord, you are working in me. You are working around me. Right now I don't feel so great, but you are truth and i put my faith in you.

So where am I going from here? I still need more lessons on grace and love. I need patience. All i could see this week was what was wrong, how guilty i should be. Now I'm back at thay place where God can take a few more peices away and put them back together in his image.

And now is the assigned time for him to move into the center while i slip into the sidelines.

Hearing and lving and being

Isn't it interesting how God speaks so clearly through things that you allowed yourself to become numb to. There is a song, i don't know who sings it or what its called (those of you who know me well will not be surprised by this), but I was on my way to school this morning, questioning God about why I am so confused about life and this song just stood out to me. This one line, which says "I'm weak, and I'm poor, and I'm broken, but Lord, I am yours. Hold me now. Hold me now." How deeply I need to be held right now. I am weak and i'm poor, but Lord, am I really broken? I'm struggling right now with school and emotions and wondering how i should feel and what i should do and where is my focus? I feel guilty for things that I haven't done. I feel guilty for things that I'm afraid I'll do later or the things I'm too weak to do. I can't tell where I am or where my heart is, but Lord, I'm yours? Right now I don't really feel like I'm yours. I feel like I'm mine and lost and alone in this big world of being right or wrong or getting A's and surviving and not having the wrong motives for wanting the things that I do. I feel fake like I am trying to be the right thing for the right people. But what is it really about?

I've been talking a lot in this blog about witnessing becuase its an internal conflict i have now, i've always had it, and it especially comes out around school time. I know its not neccessarily supposed to feel comfortable, but I feel like i'm walking on eggshells over it. Its keeping me from living a life of freedom! Where is the line? How am I supposed to live it if its not who I am naturally? Does anyone have an answer besides TRY HARDER and DO BETTER? Why do i feel defeated, deflated, wrong, attacked, accused, and overworked? Is this the abundant life? Something's gotta give. Seriously, if anyone has an answer, please tell me.

Anyway, I've fallen back into that thing that I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't. Maybe its just constantly fighting the spiritual battle while I'm so heavily in the world. I mean, this grace thing just isn't the way of the world. And i feel beat down and worthless and outnumbered. And alone. Why am I alone? Why do I find that the only people I can reveal these deep things to only see it on a computer screen, somewhere else? This is my cry for help! Can anyone help me? Can anyone see through my "I'm fine" exterior and pat me on the back, tell me its okay to be weak and poor and broken?

I'm so tired of having it all together. I'm tired of maintaining 8 classes of A's while i struggle to "share Chirst" becuase i have to do that too. A broken, so where do I go from here? What I do tomorrow when i fail? I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail at trusting God and I'm not going to tell anyone that when they die they are going to hell. Maybe then I will be able to just talk about normal things- to care about people. Why does school have to be about evangelism? Why can't it just be about caring?

Tonight on the way home from work, I was thinking about this fake trying to get over things on my own by diverting my thinking or whatever and even what i was going to write in this blog. And then a thought occured. Why don't i just ask my father for the answer. And i did. And again i was listening to the radio (as i most always do) and this old Cademon's call song came on. I don't know if it actually has other words, but the part is started listening to simply said, "I have always loved you and I always will. I have always loved you and i always will. I have always loved you and i always will. I have always loved you and i always will."

I don't have the answers. My life is falling apart around me and I'm not sure how or why. I am under serious attack and I need some other warriors to come alongside me and help me out. Where are they? Why am I alone? I'm weak, and i'm poor, and i'm broken, Lord, am i really yours? Hold me now. You have always loved me and you always will.

Giving Up my Weakness

I have been struggling lately with what it means to really be sharing the gospel and wondering what makes it so hard- what is keeping me from it. Its my weakness. I was reading another blog and it just hit me- I need to surrender my weakness. I've been saying, yeah, God you need to work in me, change my hear, blah blah blah. He's saying, "Hi. Um yeah. I can't help you until you give me the problem... for real." can i give it up? Can I get past the fear and trembling and weakness and let God's power work though me if I can't really admit I need it? Its comforting to know I have a weakness-- if I keep it to myself, I don't have to deal with it. Today during celenbration and worship Steve challenged us to ask God what we needed to surrender to follow Guide. I need to give up my weakness- really let go-- let God pry open my little clutched fingers and let it go. I can't do it on my own and I don't have the words to say and if i try, of course i'm going to make a fool of myself.

Am I ready to give up my weakness? I don't really know. Maybe that means no.

Where's the Passion?

Last night I had the privlege of going to see where God was working in the hearts of Greeley, the town I live. Extreme 6:19 is a new ministry that my youth pastor just started where we go around our city and to other parts of the state and simply hand out tracts and share the gospel and last night was the first time we went out. Like I wrote a few days ago, this is not an easy thing for me to do, but God doesn't call us to do the easy things, but to follow wherever he leads. And I wanted to be like Paul (who was like Jesus) who shared the gospel with those who needed it, even though he didn't have eloquent speach and he was weak.

When I tell people about doing this, they often say, "wow, you are an amazing person. I can't believe you would have the boldness to do that." But you know what? I don't have the boldness. I have a spirit of power though. I am not an amazing person. I serve an amazing God who uses me in cool ways.

Last night, we got a glimpse of hearts. Earlier this week, my youth pastor came across a statistic that only 2% or less of christians share their faith. 2%. And last night we saw that statistic in action. Of all the christians, or at least people who claimed to "Know Jesus quite well," I only can think of one or two who were excited about Him and what he was doing through us last night. Most seemed annoyed that we would inturrupt their shopping-- and we were standing right outside the Christian Bookstore! Two Percent. Have we as christians become so stagnant?

Once I heard an illustration about being a christian sponge. Think about it. We go to church and we learn and we grow and we get to be "good christians" and then what do we do with it? We're sponges soo full, that we are starting to smell, just sitting in one place, never being squeezed, pouring ourselves out? I know becuase I am one. I'm afraid of the pain I might feel when i get squeezed a little bit. But, oh, how refreshing that is to be drained. What good is a sponge too full except to be squeezed out onto another?

Last night I watched myself being sqeezed and it was good. There is no better bonding experience to have with your friends to go out and share with others, to really use the body as it was intended, to have one person's strength come in when your weaknesses come out.

Last night, we got squeezed so hard that we got squeezed right out of the mall by a security guard. And as that security guard asked me and my friends and leaders to leave, one of my lost friends from school walked by. I had prayed that whatever happened at the mall would be heard in my school-- that people I know personally would see that when God replaces all the fear and weakness in you, you do crazy things-- you get kicked out of shopping malls and you go to big cities across the country where you could be shot at any moment. I love the way it takes away my "too-good-christian" reputation and makes me a real person who is a fool for Christ. And that last witness I had before her could not have been set up or planned by me- only the perfect timing of God. And what better person to see it than the one who needed it most?

You see, if it were all up to me, I would have stayed home watching movies last night. And I would have missed seeing God's strength in my weakness and my fellow workers in the field's joy and excitement-- and thier hearts. After seeing how lost people are that they don't even realize the emptiness of their lives, I have a renewed passion, I want to be part of the 2%. But I will never be part of it if God's strength isn't found in me. What part of the statistic are you?