I spent the morning kicking and screaming. Like a big fat baby in a business suit, wondering why nothing was working.

Lately I have been so blind to God's love for me. totally blinded. Everytime i fall into this pit, its becuase I look at the pit instead of God's love for me. God loves me deeply. ANd that's all i need to know.

I look back at the last hour or so this morning as i struggled to find the right formula of meaning in order to get back to this great love relationship i had with God a few months ago. I was reading through my most favorite journal, which i finished mid-october, and couldn't figure out why my prayers and entries were so much more real, free, like i was just talking to my very best friend, trusting him to take care of my every need.

Looking at myself today, struggling, trying to figure out what i stupid problem is. And then it was time for me to go. My mom came down and yelled at me to get up and leave and in my frustration, i yelled back "leave me alone!" something just snapped. I gave up. Got up to make my lunch and God whispered in my ear, "Its my love you are missing."

How do you miss something like that? I don't know. I do a pretty good job of it. Thats really why God's ways are not burdensome, because it only reqires an acceptance of his love. One of my most favorite blogs i have glue-sticked into my journal. In it there is a quote from B. Manning's books about an ordinary guy who was told something huge by his mentor. It goes like this:

"The heart of it is this; to make the Lord and immense love for you sonstituative of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved of God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life."

Everytime i get discouraged, God brings me back there. When I am simply dwelling in God's love, i am free from guilt, from condemnation, i don't care whether or not other people love me because i know that the One who's very being is love has defined my very person in his love. Today I am going to live in God's love. THis is the only place where I don't have to try harder to be somehting that is impossible.

Farther along in that same blog, another quote from Manning is written: "when i draw life and maning from any other source than by belovedness, I am spiritually dead." I read that today and the last few weeks of spiritual deadness flashed through my head. it was one of those DUh! moments. God seems to send me those moments whenever i simply shut up and let him say his peice. DUH!

So, here i am. Our car has a dead battery and I am late for school. But i don't think it was an accident. Right now my mom is on the phone with a woman from the chruch down the street trying to find someone who can help. I think God is asking to me turn off the car, sit quietly for a moment and simply consider his love.

Last night, i wrote in my journal, "If God's way is easy, I must be doing something wrong." Funny how God answers even the strangest prayers that might not even be what most would call a prayer. Thanks, Abba, for showing me what I was doing wrong.

God loves me, and that's all i really need to know.

"You, however, did not come to Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its decietful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therfore each of you must put off falshood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body." Ephesians 4:20-25

Do you ever feel like you are swimming through your own mind and drowning? or maybe it isn't the mind, but a pool of guilt. Its sticky, black, gooey, and there seems to be no way out. And how did you get it in? Somehow you just woke up in it. Its not that refreshing conviction that pulls you out of your problems, but that guilt that tangles you up in the law that has died.

I feel guilty today. Over what? I don'tknow. Should I be doing something else? Should I be more loving to my family? Or am I just scared of the time when I am going to do something wrong. Unpreparedness. I'm not really trusting God to take care of what is important and weed through all the stuff thats not. I'm so focused on not wasting this day that I end up wasting it in worry. So i quit. I'm done. Abba, please pull me out of this everlasting puddle of guilt. Remind me who I am. Your little child. Forgiven. Taken care of. You want something good for me today, so why don't I just let you make it happen? Thanks.

This is a rant. If you don't like rants, please feel free to skip this Blog until next time. I totally understand.

I'm feeling alone today. Empty. I don't know. Like no one understands and I put up this wall so no one will. Its like my live revolves around..I don't know. I feel lost and confused. What am I supposed to be doing? What is living? Stress. Anxiety. Aloneness.

I want to be in a place where I don't feel alone. I don't feel rejected. Where I am just free to be. Nothing false. No past or hurt or pain to hold me back from being who it is that I am. Right now I feel trapped in fakeness. Hiding. In the dark. I begin to come out, to cry for help and I get run over. Absolutely run over. Big fat wheel tracks, boot-tracks, paw prints on my face- while i stand tall. It hurts. Its like I'm just invisible. Not here. I've wrapped myself so tighly in stuff, work, whatever. So how do i reach out? I don't know. I don't know how to reach out. I don't really want to. It seems so much easier to crawl back into the shell away from the buldozers, the big fat boots, the wild animals. but it hurts anyway. like i start to come out and I get stuffed back in. Brushed aside. And you point out the fact that you've been brushed aside and then you just get a label slapped on you. You are just tired. Your not hungry, your tired. You are being a teenager. You have senioritis. You need to care more about my feelings. You'll be fine. Get that out of the fridge, would you? So, here I am, jammed in this box with a big sticker stuck across it. ITs just one of those cheap labels that you can print on one of those old dot-matrix printers that she uses to put on tupperwares in the freezer so she can keep the beans and the meat separated. But it gets wet and becomes ingrained in me. Why doesn't anyone hear me? Like I don't deserve to be hurting or have problems. There are more important things to worry about like chemistry homework and dinner. Thats how I feel. like me being a person takes second place to be accepted to the right school or getting the big scholarship. All this getting stuffed back in the box will be worth it once I don't have to worry about paying for college. I'd rather be in debt for the rest of my life than to be ignored, brushed aside, trampled, and shamed for simply wanting to be heard. I am so sick of it. tired. worn out. Its not my fault.

come on back to me. Today I was getting back to the heart of spending time with Abba, and it was really great. I have been so concerned about doing the "quiet-time" the right way, that I was missing everything that involved myself and it was really messing up the rest of my life. How wierd is that? I just hate it when I can't even get the simplest things straightened out, especially when they have the biggest effect on the rest of my life.

Anyway, Abba kept on bringing me back to these passages about idolitry (idolatry? Idoletry? I don't know. I think its idolatry), which is weird in a way, but so fitting. How often is it that when I am trying to do things the right way I end up worshipping myself? I was reading in Isaiah 44 today and a line hit me in in verse 18: "He shapes it in the form of man, of man in all his glory, that i may dwell in a shrine." A man in all his glory. In all my trying to be the best Christian, the best child of God I can be, I am trying to shape myself into a (wo)man in all her glory. Isn't God supposed to be the potter?

THen, I moved over the Jeremiah, when in 2:25, He says, "Do not run until your feet are bare and your throat is dry. But you said, 'it is no use! I love foreign gods, and I must go after them.'" When I think of my life when I am not depending on God for my every breath and am trying to meet all my own needs, (which is most of the time), this verse describes everything I am about. I tend to run my feet bare and my throat dry going after the god of acheivement, of having my check-box list all filled in.

Mike Devries often talks about repentance really being about returning. How often do we confess our sins in words something like this: "Dear Jesus, please forgive me for (insert numerously repeated sin here). I am sorry I did that again. I'm sick of doing it and I promise I will never do it again." And then we get up and do it again. The problem is that as long as we are being the very best christian we can possibly be in our flesh, on our own effort, we're going to do that sin until the cows come home. Repentance as returning however goes something like this: "Abba, somehow I got out of your arms. I quit depending on you to live your life through me and recreate me in Christ and so I naturally went back to my old master. WHat was I thinking? I want to come back to that place where I rest in your arms and you take care of this old habbit that has no place in my new, recreated life." Thats the prayer I had to pray this morning... focusing oh-god-of-the-checked-off-box-list instead of the One who nailed the checked-off-box-list to the cross and defeated its god there.

After reading about the shaping of the man in all his glorythe Lord goes on to say in verse 22, "return to me for I have redeemed you.'' I'll write that again becuase it is so good; "return to me, for I have redeemed you." "Return to me for I have redeemed you." Just quit it. All through the Bible, I keep picking up that theme. Just come on back to me. Crawl up on my lap. Go, leave your life of sin, and come back to me.

I love the way Abba just keeps driving the point home. I also love his sense of humor. Abba, I love your sense of humor and your commitment to our relationship. I closed my bible and came downstairs where I had left my stereo on and came into my room just as the last line of one of my favorite songs came on. I don't know who the artist is or the name of the song. Maybe Third Day's "Come on back to me" ? ANyway, I bet you can't guess what that last line was that hit me between the eyes...

Come on Back to me....

forgiveness. God has been teaching me a lot about this subject today and the past few days. I'm not sure if I'm getting it though. Maybe he wants me to see its not all as easy as I think.

Today I went into work and discovered that the person working before me hadn't come in and there were new supplies to be put away all over the small space behind the coffee cart. On top of that, I had a stream of disgruntled customers who had missed their afternoon coffee fix for about 2 hours. After having sort of a bad day at school. Needless to say I was not a "Happy Barrista" if you will. But I couldn't help but going back to forgiveness. What was it gaining me to be angry at this person who left me all this mess or our boss, who hasn't paid us and thus causing this other employee to go on a mini-strike? Nothing. I don't care if I get paid a week late. its not like I really need the money and it isn't that big of a deal to finally not have a boring night at work. But it always seems so much easier to get angry and tighten my grip on unforgiveness that let go and say, "Thank you Lord, for the extra tips and a little excitement in my life." After a lengthy conversation with God, I came to a conclusion of letting him fill my life with joy instead.

On the way home, I continued to think about this forgiveness thing. I've been dealing with it a lot with my parents lately. Well, considering the conversation I just had with God on the subject, it is no surprise that the song "Prodigal Dad" (I think its by Jonah 33, but don't quote me) came on to the radio. I've blogged about the meaning of this song before, and here i was, back in the same place with it... only different. The line that caught me tonight was, "My love is deeper than the pain, I'll forgive you every day." I never really heard this line before tonight, and I remember asking God numerous times, "How do you forgive when you know that the person is going to do it again, over and over?" My love is deeper than the pain. I'll forgive you every day. 70 times 7. Its hard stuff and I know I am nowhere near mastering it.

THats what I struggled with tonight at work. How can I just let go, forgive, and joyfully find a place for all these supplies in this tight space while trying to please impatient customers? I need to let people know that treating me this way isn't okay. And what about letting my boss know that its not okay for him to go on vacation and forget to pay his employees? How do you forgive without letting people take advantage of you? Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.

I guess thats also the risk that comes with Grace. God goes through it all the time. He gives all people grace and sometimes they take advantage of it. They sin all the more that grace may abound. But when you really understand the grace and forgiveness of God, you can only obey out of love, not obligation, and it makes it hard to take advantage of someone who has shown you such love through his grace and forgiveness.

So where am i now with forgiveness? I don't know. The first time I ever met with my mentor, I remeber her telling me how forgiveness, especially for my parents, is so important for spiritual growth; other people have told me that they couldn't really experience growth in Christ until they forgave. I want that freedom, but its hard. Is my love deeper than the pain? I don't know?

Even tonight, after getting home from work, and having this "great revelation" about forgiveness, my parents started talking to me about stuff I didn't really care about to hear, and I got angry, frustrated that they just weren't letting me do whatever I wanted to do, they were skrewing up the plans I had. My mom was saying stuff that I don't agree with, that I've been fighting so hard against , and instead of just letting it go, I blew up, got mad. Why do I do that?

Letting go. Surrendering. I huge thing I am learning right now is that life is a process. I dont' have to have it all figured out at this very second; God is making me who he wants me to be day by day. If I don't get it all right now, thats okay with him. He knows. He planned it that way.

Abba, would you keep working on me? I feel stuck, Like there is a brick wall in my face, but you are slowly peeling that wall away. Philipians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Thank you Abba that you are faithful!!

There is nothing more frustrating than having to get somewhere without any way to get there. People pushing you from behind when you can't even move your feet.

This has been a crazy week-- so crazy that I have lost myself and let God run the cruise control. Its great, totally freeing.

One thing I have really learned is the power of prayer, the potency of its poison if you will; however, my learning about prayer hasn't come from my own, but the power of prayers from others for me. Do you ever have those days when you just know someone must be praying for you? Its like a huge gust of wind at your back; a refreshing drink of cool water out of nowhere.

As a senior in High School, it needent be explained my need for prayer- its a commonly known fact that I'm liable to drown at any moment if I take my eyes off the one who keeps me afloat. Only a few short weeks ago I had no idea where to turn, what choices to make in the short time I had to make them, and how to figure out the rest of my life. But so many things have just come upon me- fallen in my lap. I have a pretty clear picture of what I need to take care of, where to turn, and a probable picture of my future. Inner-conflicts have dissolved, hope keeps shining through on what used to be my darkest fears.

I wish I could put into words what it is like to know you are being prayed for; unfortunately, it is something that can only be experienced. A couple weeks ago, I asked my mentor to pray for my friendships; I needed prayer for companionship, people my age to support me, to know I was loved and to be able to love people. The past few weeks have been incredible. I have enjoyed the deepest friendships and have experienced serious healing in my relationships. People that used to darken my thoughts and bind me up in frustration are cool breezes, breaths of fresh air in my life. I'm learning to love and be loved.

Prayer. I want to say its "cool," but i don't want to cheapen it. Prayer is... life changing. Transformational. Encouraging. At times its life-saving, disaster-stopping. Other times its that deep breath that reminds me that my worth is based on the fact that my very person is rooted in God's love; it keeps me from suffocating and drowning.

Last night at youth group, my youth pastor talked about prayer, likening it to a love letter. What a beautiful picture. And sometimes it is a love letter directed at both God and others. Or maybe its sharing your deepest love, God, Abba, Daddy with those who need it most. Sitting in prayer. Silently sitting at the feet of the Good Teacher. Listening for those things I do not know and cannot find out. Pouring out my heart. How can communication with the Almighty God, the Creator of the Universe, the very one who formed the deepest part of my soul be anything less than life-changing, transformational and encouraging?

Abba-- lately i've been having a hard time finding that place of solitude, really sitting down and meeting with you, hanging out with you. I miss it. I miss talking to you.. really talking, pouring everything out upon you feet. slow down my crazy life and take me to a place of solitude with you. Take me out to the middle of the lake. Make my prayers to be breaths of fresh air- life-chaning, transformational, encouragng breaths of fresh air to others. Use my prayers in the lives of others. Break down those walls in my life that keep me from really coming to you from my heart. Abba, thank you for the beautiful thing you have created called prayer. Its way better than the invention of the telephone.