Gensis 2:18 It is not good for man to be alone.

For the past few weeks or so, I have been trying to journey alone. For those of you reading my blog, you may have noticed how well its been going. Somehow it is easy for me to forget that the journey was not intended to be traveled alone, but I still end up walking the woods at night without anyone there beside me.

I need people and its okay. It seems like I have to keep relearning that over and again. So here I am again. Learning it again.

I've been missing my mentor a lot lately. We have not been able to see each other much for a long time and like most things, you don't know what you've got until its gone. This absence in my life has caused me to look at my life a lot-- how many people are there in my life that I need to be able to count on that i choose not to trust and what is it that keeps me from reaching out and asking for help when i need it?

I definately think that this is an area of my life that needs real healing and, ironically enough, i'm never going to find that healing trying to hike the mountain on my own. There is nothing wrong with me, these lies that seem to bombard me more and more as i get farther away from true, honest community are not true. This journey wasn't made to be alone and I was made to need people. I was made to look to others as God's provision of love and support. Somehow I have a hard time remembering that. Even harder, it seems, is finding that true, deep community that makes me rememeber that I am a human being, not some being from somewhere else that makes no sense and does not matter.

There are times when I come home and wonder if I really belong to my family. Its like when I am with my family for too long at certain times I feel more alone than ever. Loving my family (as with most) is hard work, and honestly, if i'm supposed to be doing it all by myself, I quit. I am not going to attempt burning myself out on that. Its silliness.

Despite my struggle and my overenalization of myself and my relationhsip to people, he is working on me. This morning during worship, he spoke to my heart through the song, "THe power of Your Love," which says,

The power of your love is changing me,

changing me, changing me, OLord,

Change me by the power of your love.

You've drawn me to your side, and what else can I do?

My heart is opened wide, My hands reach up to You.

I'm calling out for more, I'm asking in your name

That by your spirit Lord, I will never be the same.

He was saying to me, "I am fixing this problem in you, I am here by your side. You can't reach out to other people and you don't know how to call out to them, but you are calling out to me, and that is all you need." My need for people doesn't replace my need for God, but God has placed this need for people in me so that he would get the glory when he provides it. He wants to be the one to fix me, to give me what I need instead of me getting it myself.

I'm not sure why I am telling all you cyper-space people this, but i feel like it is something that merits blogging becuase it is part of me, part of the journey that I am sharing with all of you people I don't know. Its something to send out into the void. Maybe it'll be something i need to read in a month or so. Maybe a few more people I actually know will fall across this and hear my call for help. In the meantime, I'll work on telling a few people that I actually know and see if I can get a little better help out there.

Abba, you did not create me to be alone. And, since you did create me, afterall, you know how I am wired and why it is so hard for me to call out to people and let them know I need them. Give me the strength I need . This morning you sent me a message of your love and your faithfullness in your song. You are equipping me to love my family, even when I don't want to and its painful. You are putting a love in me that is deeper than the pain.