Letting Go

I think one of the most powerful things about freedom in Christ is the ability that I have to let go. I can stop clutching at my life, trying to hold on to these things that I like, that i know are the things that make my life the life i'm supposed to live. Letting go of the past and the visions of the great future and just freefall in the present-- I can let go becuase I know that someone with a bigger hand is holding it all.

I used to take faithful notes in church becuase I knew there would come a day when I would want the formula to get through whatever frustration I had. I used to outline the bible in my quiet times becuase I wanted to be able to study for the test when it came.

Today, in the midst of my frustration of trying to hold on to what was, I finally let go. I have these great experiences with Abba that are just so transforming, so life changing and I sometimes get in this rut that makes me want to just hold on to it and if God ever tries to take them from me to give me something better, I clutch tighter and blame him for taking good things from me.

There is a Rob Bell teaching I really resonate with about living fully present. He talks about how his mind is always on work her has to do in the future or things he didn't do or messed up in the past- somehow I seem to have the same life many times. I haven't been living fully present for the past few weeks. I've been living in the past, wanting these great experiences and feelings I had last semester, last summer to still be lasting, to stretch out like laffy taffy for 200 more days, but I've been missing the beauty of the journey Abba is sending me today. I keep looking into the future, thinking, "someday things will be better, these struggles, this life I am discontent with now will be gone in a matter of months when I move far away from my parents and find a new community, something so much better." I find myself sitting at the heaven busstop when God is wanting me to see something far more beautiful here and now-- he is teaching me a little more trust, a little more freedom to let go.

The things that God taught me last semester were absolutely amazing; I look at those times and wonder who am I to deserve such abundant blessings in my young life. And the beginning of this semester somehow I expect that God is done, like becuase now that I am so old as 18, God is all finished, I am the perfect image of Christ now. Yes, you may laugh along with me at my ignorance.

this morning Abba spoke into my heart this need to open my hand. I've been holding this beautiful butterfly in my hand that I caught in my past and now is the time to let go of it. Not only have I been crushing it in my hand, but I refuse to see the beauty of it when it flies away and be replaced by something far more beautiful. So my hand is open today.

Abba, thank you that you always replace the butterflies in our hands with more beautiful things, that you give me the freedom and the strength to live with an open hand in your open hand. I can't wait, Abba, to see what you place in my hands next.