Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which omes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3;17-18

I've been thinking for most of the day about blogging some version of the numerous things that have been rippling through my mind, but being continually frustrated by my inability to formulate this essence into words. Lately I have had this struggle, this continual failure to nail down what assurance I am looking for from God mainly in the identity of who I am.

For the past few months, I have been finding my security in my own understanding (which hasn't been too secure, FYI). Funny how God knows exactly what I need. I think I must be the only person on this planet who get's screwed up when stress leaves my life. I get a high off of having to know things and the challenge of balancing the insanity that is my life. And now that it is spring break and I basically have nothing to accomplish and hence, nothing to earn points in the book of Heidi Wonderful, I have just gotten right to the point of my entire life and trying to study for the test on who God is.

The road to faith is a long one and in my case, its been painful in more recent times. You know, I love it when God is working in me and I see fruit, but its often painful in the midst of it. there are many times that I wrestle (as I'm sure most everyone does) with God over who gets to be in control. I have a hard time just letting go of my brain and just saying, "okay, God you are way too big for me to even begin to wrap my brain around you." it sounds like i'm just an idiot in having to expose the obvious, but when you get down to it, its hard. Its hard to admit that my world really isn't mine.

but what a beautiful place to be when you just let go of the balloon and let it fly away. all day long I've been asking God to give me this concrete brick with the instructions for dwelling in him and all he's given me is this image of whispy wonder above my head. And me, not understaning the greatness of God, chose to be tied down by this brick.

Why are we so tied to the bricks in life? Wouldn't it be so much more fun to let go and fly in the mist? Its like letting go of a helium balloon, but also getting to ride along with it, knowing that when it pops, you'll still be okay.

So the Lord is the spirit. When I was finally surrendered to the fact that i don't have to figure it all out or if there is something I miss, its okay, Abba led me to this great verse in 2 corintians, which basically nailed everything I have been dancing around all day.

The Lord is the spirit. not the cynder-block. And becuase he is the spirit, we are not held down. We are free to float in the helium. And we, that is, the community that I was made to be an important part of, are all free from shame to be Christ in us. We are all being returned to our intended state, and each day we are getting closer to this thing God wanted us to be in the first place. Identity. Belonging. Freedom. Grace. I can't fully explain how deeply this resonates with all that is inside me, but that's the whole point.

There is not going to be a test at the end. God is the one doing the brain work, so I don't have to worry about breaking my back to learn something that just doesn't fit inside my brain.

Looking back on the way I have spent the last academic quarter, I realize even more how much I need my mind to be renewed. It greives me how backwards society is that it drills this idea into my brain that all my life and all my person is composed of how much I know, how much I can acheive. I don't know if all of you can relate, but from the perspective of a high school student, it is so easy to buy into this lie that my identity is found in my ability to score well on the standardized tests and how high above a 4 I can get my GPA. This has been my life for a very long time, and I just want somehting more.

I've been wanting to get this somethign more by just studying and assimilating something different. fortunately, God doesn't choose to transform us through bookwork and worksheets with a test at the end. Unfortunately, that transformation requires a lot more trust and the acceptance of grace for the times when I want to revert back to the study techniniques that have gotten me the temporary acceptance of people but deprive me of the arms of Abba. I choose the Lord who is the Spirit, even if it frustrates me.


Hebrews 13:5 He [God] Himself has said, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you." Lord, forgive me for looking for signs when I only need to trust Your Word and live by Your promises.