Humbled

The last few weeks of my life have proven to me that I know nothing. All the things that I thought I could rely on fell flat-- mainly me. I am learning that all I have, my faith, my life, my breath, are all gifts from God and have nothing to do with myself or my ability to maintain them. I guess the whole point is to learn that a little more with each faceplant.

We are told to confess our sins to one another, so this would be the perfect time to insert the most poingnant example of my blindsided ignorance of God's grace. For the past two weeks I have experienced a small taste of college life working full-time in the financial aid office at CSU and it has turned my life (mainly my faith) upside down as I wonder what my life is really about.

As far as my plans go, I wasn't even planning on working the summer, and I definitely did not want to start working a full-time job in another town two days after I graduated from High School. I wanted to take some time to sort out all the unpside-down faith issues I had been facing the past semesterbefore my life took off again. But clearly God had a different plan and didn't think it was time to be finished with the shaking up of Heidi's life. So, I spent a significant amount of time sitting in the front of my current office wondering whether or not I should apply for this job, wondering if I should take the risk of walking into the building. But thankfully God doesn't allow my stubbornness to get in the way of his blessing. In a matter of about a day, my plans were totally changed and I was hanging on for dear life, wondering how trusting I could be of this God who seems to be yanking my around and totally rummaging through my life, taking things without asking.

I knew that this job would be a total blessing, but I could not fathom how a loving God would give it to me on these terms. I remember sitting on my porch Wednesday night balling, wondering why God would do that to me? How dare he take my summer from me? If he were a loving God, he would just provide a really good job when it was more convenient for me. I am beginning to see the value of sacrifice and the significance of suffering.

So this past week, I was humbled yet again, as I began to realize how prideful I had become. I had totally bypassed the part where I acknowledged God as the giver of immense grace. I absolutely love my job and I am so honored to be hired in such a great office, but I had begun to think that somehow it was I who was responsible for landing it. As I think about that, I just have the urge to label myself "arrogant idiot." Who am I? What I think is even worse is that I had let this attitude bleed onto my co-workers. I began to think that somehow I had spiritual superiority, as well as being so much smarter, better than they, even though I am the only freshman in all the 13 people hired for my department. I have superiority over no one.

I had forgotten that everything, especially my spirituality, is an immense, totally undeserved gift. I know nothing. I have everything to gain and nothing to learn.

Strangely enough, during this time in my life, I find immense comfort in the passages of Isaiah that describe God's judgment of Israel. Here is an example from chapter 17:

"Watch this: Damascus undone as a city, a pile of dust and rubble! Her towns emptied of people. The sheep and goats will move in and take over the towns as if they owned them-- which they will! Not a sign of a fort is left in Ephraim, not a trace of government left in Damascus. What's left of Israel-- not much... The Day is coming when Jacob's robust splendor goes pale and his well-fed body turns skinny. The country will be left empty, picked clean as a field harvested by field hands... yes the day is coming when people will notice the one Who Made Them, take a long hard look at the Holy of Israel. They'll loose interest in all the stuff they've made-- altars and monuments and rituals, their homemade, handmade religion-- however impressive it is.
And Yes, the Day is coming when their fortress cities will be abandoned -- the very same cities that the Hivites and Amorites abandoned when Israel invaded! And the country will be empty, desolate."

I used to wonder as I read these kind of passages how God could be totally consumed with love and yet bring these things upon his chosen people. I like to believe in a God of comfort and care, and who prevented this, not ordained it. But as I look at my life now, I contiually return to these passages, and it is as if the Holy Spirit were saying "I am breaking down the walls of your illusions. I am destroying your sources of false comfort and empty defense. Your security is not found in your ability to be the right kind of christian, have the right kind of faith to make you feel okay." I am beginning to see that this Jesus-following business is hard work and I don't know the first thing about it.

I am so humbled to think I had this notion that I might have all the answers stored somewhere in myself. Who am I? A very small little girl with a great deal to learn in the hands of a very gracious God that still loves me somehow in the midst of my rebellion. To think that I have some inside privledge to the throne of the Almighty God.

This quote that my pastor shared this morning from Matt Redman's "Facedown" would be an appropriate close to this post:

"We convey a tame and domesticated God and then find ourselves stuck in the endless pursuit of the ordinary. But the call is to venture out in to the ocean, to encounter the extraordinary and to explore the mighty depths of God..."

This pursuit cannot be done within the tight contraints of my insistence on being right.

Abba, I fall facedown before you tonight. I am humbled by your mercy and so grateful for my every breath. Thank you for breaking down my walls, no matter how painful it may be, how confused I get about you when you break out of the shell I make for you. You are a consistent God, but you are not always consistent with my illusions. SO, I submit to you , I give all that I am to you . Though I am small and weak, I am empty and ready to be filled, poured out, and for the cycle to begin again. This trial has been a long, hard one, I wonder if the people who read this blog become as tired and weary as I feel at times. I am tired and weak, but I thank you for brokenness, continue to show me just how small I am so I can see how big you are. Forgive me for placing myself on your throne, but give me the appropriate outlook on my sinfullness, my cocky idiocy. I am beginning to embrace the life of the poor in spirit, to recognise what I really am. Abba, I look forward to all you desire to teach me. IT seems like whenever you provide a job for me, it comes with a very high price, but is so valuable in that you teach me the deepest, most painful lessons in them.

Most of all, I thank you for all that you suffered for me. Somehow I got to thinking that walking in your footsteps would require no suffering, no sacrifice, but that notion has nothing to do with the life you lived, the steps you took. I am beginning, but only beginning, to see what you mean when you call me to give up everything. To run after you with reckless abandon. I am afraid I have become a pharisee. What a shameful association. I pray that you would keep me from such an empty, fake life. So break down the walls, grant me the patience for myself as I am sure to fall facedown in the reality of my pride and to see you as you really are. How truly small I am before, how much I owe to you, not because it saves me but because there can be no better response than this to your sovereignty.