so I am sitting here in the library, supposed to be doing research for an argument paper, but I'm feeling a little tired and unmotivated. I feel like I am in a bit of a dream state, content just to watch the world go by. Observing without having my energy to analyse.
I think I am feeling a little bit nervous, dreading what I have to do today. Today is the much-dreaded meeting with my advisor. The meeting I really have been avoiding since June, the last time I saw her. I'm just trying to figure out how to explain to her what I am going to be doing next semester and how I can get the most helpful information from her. I just am so afriad. Like I am going to try to explain this whole thing and she is going to give me this blank stare that pretty much everybody gives me when I try to explain this thing that I have chosen to embark on.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea that the kingdom of God doesn't really make any logical sense to people in this world who do no know it. Poeple who are immersed in a kingdom other than God's. how Paul says that the cross is foolishness to those who do not know or believe. That is sort of the world I feel lik I am going to be living in this afternoon. It could be 30 minutes of self-humiliating agony. That is sort of what I am anticipating really. this tongue-tied jumble of confusion-- trying to explain something even I do not understand much about. I guess the most concise thing I can say is that I am taking an internship for more personal than academic reasons. That I have decided to take a semester off from school here to explore what I want to do with Art education, myself, my life. That I need to know how I can do that successfully and how I can be prepared to come back and get back into it. I'm sure it will be fine and even if it is totally jibberish that I am speaking, so be it. One half hour in the numerous years of life that hopefully lie before me. but I'm nervous, feeling overwhelmed. Staring up at this nameless, hard wall of obstacle that stands before me. oh God, give me the words.
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"If we are going to keep on growing, we must keep on risking failure throughout our lives." -B. Manning
About Me
"Christianity is about water... Most of what we do in worldly life is geared toward our staying dry, looking good, not going under. But in Baptism, in lakes and rain and tanks and fonts, you agree to do something that's a little sloppy because at the same time it's also holy and deserved. It's about surrender, giving in to all those thing we can't control: it's a willingness to let go of balance and decorum and get drenched." -- Ann Lamott
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"If I ever feel I am getting to the point where I'm playing it safe, I'll stop. That's all I can tell you about how I plan for the future."
--Miles Davis
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"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves... Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually , without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."
- Rainer Maria Rilke
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"God is subtle, but not malicious. Nature conceals her mystery by means of her essential grandeur, not by her cunning." -- Einstein
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