So, it looks like I haven't posted anything here for over ten days-- almost two weeks, actually. That should be some kind of record, right? Right. So, for all of you who have been wondering, no I have not died, but my hard drive, however, is altogether a different story. Unfortunately, my computer has been out of commission for about a week at quite an inimportune time, but in some ways it has been a nice repreve at the same time.
April has been a busy month so far. It seems to be going so fast, I can hardly keep track of the days.. After three months of what felt like pure and sometimes excruciating solitude, I am now finding myself having to plan out almost every spare moment, squeezing every drop out of the day (which started at 4 am today). But as I was driving home this afternoon, I was thinking back on January February March and thinking that it was such a good time, even though difficult, they were months of quiet spent sorting out so much that I think that has so greatly added to the earthy abundance of these new days. The void sweetens the newness of my life now. Instead of just being busy, it feels like purpose. It doesn't feel like I go through the day enslaved to what I ought to do because someone told me that is what I must do-- I no longer am driven by that ever-illusive "man." So much of what I do seems to be driven by what I love. Love. I've been thinking a little about when Paul says, "it is Christ's love that compells us" and "The world will know you are my disciples by your love." And instead of drudgery, so much just feels like fullness of joy. Having purpose outside of just getting things done or going through the motions.
I look back on the past few months of my life and I look at who I am today and I feel like I come so far simply in terms of relating to people. To be honest, I'm not really sure how it came about in real tangible terms, but I have this sense that I understand a little more about what it means to connect with people and be in people's lives and simply care for people. To feel more at home with myself and to be comfortable finding belonging with others simply by caring about them. Something that I did notice when I went home that despite the same old diffuculties I faced while there, I had this greater sense of care for others. I genuinely wanted to know how my friends were doing. I wanted the kids that I encountered to feel loved and appreicated and valued. I felt brave enough to let down some guards and simply be with people. And that is a nice feeling.
Today I was teaching a class that a few weeks ago really frustrated me. A few weeks ago, I was teaching the same class and I felt exhausted, frustrated, and annoyed. But today, I noticed a change. After waking up at 4 in the morning, getting my oil changed and being told that I should have done that a lot earlier, having to also get a nail removed from my tire, and continuing my project of figuring out how to get my computer fixed, simply helping two elderly people discover color and making mistakes brought me so much joy. Joy. It feels accute after those months of frustrating quiet. Have you ever felt accutely joyful?
When I flew home last week, I had a great deal of time to think thanks to a layover in Portland. And something that I realized is that I spend a lot of time complaining and a lot of energy feeling sorry for myself. When things are hard, I get caught in this circle of trying to have my needs fulfilled through the pity of others-- no wonder it kept on circling back around on me. But really-- complaining. worrying. Whining. I'm really trying to stop. To just let things be hard. I think part of it is having this sense of shame that I own things that break and so on-- letting go of that and simply letting things be what they are have helped.
A few weeks back, I wrote about contentment. Having my hard drive break has been an interesting lesson in contentment simply becuase whatever I had on my computer is now gone-- there is nothing I can really do about that. I it has been refreshing to realize that I don't even have to waste energy worrying about that which I cannot change. It is gone. but it's okay with me somehow today.
To be honest, having not posted for these past weeks has been interesting because I feel like a great deal has changed. Things look different yet again. Tomorrow will probably look a little different too. But everything feels fresh. I feel free. I feel empowered, to use sort of a "professional" word. I feel like after all of my work, all my toil, things are moving, and that feels so good.
A few weeks ago, you may remember a number of sort of less joyful posts of confusion, fear, maybe a touch of anger and I look back on that time as really important to where I am now. I don't look back on that in shame for douting or anything-- I am so glad that I was able to pour myself out in that way because it makes my present joy so much more poignant. And part of me wants to go back to the old lessons of God's faithfulness, but something about that doesn't feel quite right yet. It is a touch in that way, but at the same time has an air of something else I can't yet put my finger on.
Maybe it is more a matter of process. Is it that picture of God's faithfulness as his ability to deliver whatever we want when we want it? I think maybe my picture of God's faithfulness is getting reformed into this idea that he is big enough to handle our doubts and he is faithful to provide our day to day while we lets us wade through our junk for a while. His faithfulness is less in the form of a paycheck and more in the form of holding our hand as we process through the great mystery that life is. His faithfulness is less about delivery and more about presence. It is the delivery of strength, simple listening, validation of whatever we find entering our hearts and minds, no matter how painful. Maybe. And I don't mean to say that it is this nice littl god who just holds our hand and makes us feel better and "convicts" us to have a better attititude-- I think it is an image of a God who doesn't push us away when our true junk comes out as ugly as it really is, a God who is waiting to hold us close, to put his hand right in the wounds, the faithful God who would take all of our pain upon himself and die so that we can be raised to new life.
And I wonder if these last few months have been months of death in order than the spring would bring new greenery, new life, new breath. This reminder than becuase we have died with him, we too may be raised to a new life. maybe.
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