"A friend of mine who is celibate makes it very clear that her vow of celibacy is not to go without love, but it's a vow to what she calls 'universal love.' I've realized over time that she is a deeply connected person. There is a certain potency to her presence that is hard to describe. She owns no property and she lives as simply as she possible can because she committed early in her life to give everything she had to making the world the kind of place God dreams it could be. It is a joy to be with her becasue everything matters in her life. Nothing is shallow or trite or superficial. She's very funny and smart and compassionate-- a magnificent human. becuase sh'e been exploring her own soul for so long, she knows herself inside and out. She's at peace, and it's contagious."

--Rob Bell, "Sex God" (italics mine)

Things keep happening to me. For quite some time now (I'd say approximately six months and eighteen days, give or take) I've been putting some time into thinking about where I am, where I am going, and who I want to be when I get there. For the past month or so, maybe a bit longer, I've been exerting a lot of my emotional and intellectual energy towards untangling the questions about what my life will be like beginning two weeks from today. Some have accused me of failing to be fully present here in the Valley (interesting metaphor that may do with what you please), but the more I think about it, the more I have to justify myself that this is, in fact a large reason I did venture out to this spot. An opportunity to step back and look at the painting that is family and life and home in a better light.

So, like I said, things keep happening to me. A week or two ago, I began to pay serious attention to the spot that the Father is directing me to put my foot forward next. Over a delicious breakfast of starch and sugar at the APU Caf, a member of our community lovingly and carefully explained to me that he was sure the will of God was for me to stay here in Boise (and opinion sure to be trusted just as he was convinced the will of God was also for us to move our community gatherings to Tuesday nights to save certain individuals from their addiction to Twenty-Four). Although the comment was made in jest, I could not help but give the idea some thought-- why is it, exactly that I have chosen to walk back in the direction of Colorado?

I fear that some have been under the false impression that my return to Colorado is a result of my displeasure here. That is not the reason. I have said many times that the decision to return to Colorado hinges on the access to a university with a good art program. That too, fails to encompass the fullness of the truth. Someone once said to me: It is never healthy to run something, but always right to be running toward something. I am not running away, but have learned to run towards the things that I love.

So I began to ask the Father, Where do you want me to be? And things keep happening to me. I walk into bookstores and immediately see books about Colorado. A man comes into work wearing a Ram Cycling Uniform. Another man comes in wearing a Steamboat Springs T-shirt. People are sending me links to blogs written by people in Colorado. And sure, I know all of these things are coincidences, but little by little, my heart is being carried back, but not back. I told a friend yesterday, "I am going to Colorado next." Not again.

But here is the thing. I keep coming back to this deep longing that I want my life to be about a lot more. I don't want my life to be about finishing school or what job I will have when I get back or how much money I will be making or what people think of me. In the past, so much of my life has been about maintaining security in those things and I don't want it anymore. I have discovered that life really can be lived in such a way that these things take their rightful place behind love and relationship and enjoyment.

It's funny-- as I've written about here before, a while back I read Shane Claiborne's book "Irresistible Revolution" and upon beginning it, I was skeptical, almost didn't finish it. But now, at least a month later, it's still rotting my brain. The way of life, the Kingdom he talks about is exactly that-- Irresistible and the truth is that I don't want my life to be empty anymore. I think the hardest part is that it seems nearly impossible to put into words this longing, this sense of "life-ness" and I have no idea how to make it play out in my life as a student again.

I have this sense that all things have been rearranged. My source of security has shifted from the shaky ground of employment, career, academia and intelligence, into something bigger, wing-like.

The last day of the conference this year ended with a charge to "jump." In that moment, sitting there surrounded by the family of student and staff, I realized a great deal of the anxiety I have been experiencing is hinged on this sense that going back home, diving back into the old surroundings is quite a jump indeed. And I keep seeing this image of doing anything in the Kingdom is a jump. It is daring to say no to the things that are practical, expected, logical, and acceptable and trusting in the security of something higher. Just like a bird trusts the invisible air beneath its wings.

Today my boss from my old job called me, wanting to know if I wanted to come back. I had this incredible peace in the ability to be so honest to say, "I really only want to come back temporarily if nothing else works out." It was a tangible reminder that living a life committed to bringing the Kingdom here means saying no to things that bring more death than life into my spirit, regardless of how secure that death feels.

I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. But something in me can't help but be drawn back to Colorado, to school, to this place that feels like air to my empty lungs. Food for my fasting body. And things keep happening to me that won't let me forget about the life I was made to live, no matter where I am. And that is the thing that I am so very excited to sink my teeth into.