We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

For the past few months, as I reflect on what the last year has been and where I've been in the midst of it, I think back often to dreams I had a few years ago as I finished High School and began college about finding a meaningful community. I think in those days, I had this vision of community as always having a group of friends to do things with on Friday nights, but I realize that my definition has shifted a bit as I've grown and learned through the experiences I've had.

One of the principal reasons I ventured off to Idaho was in hopes of discovering this illusive community and, even now, I realize a significant part in that discovery was a release of old definitions of what such a love would mean. I don't see community anymore as this wonderful church body where people don't talk behind each other's backs and it doesn't matter where you sit in the auditorium. I don't look to this ever-holy "unity" in which people all agree and smile. I have learned that perhaps community is about experiencing a love that you can't help but pass on.

When I look at my time in Idaho and other experiences I had along this road to "community," I realize a major lesson I've learned is simply how to love from the example of those who loved me. I suddenly see myself standing on the other side of this river with a new perspective on what it means to care for and be cared for. Reflecting simply on questions that people asked me that I wouldn't think to ask myself. Remembering what it was like to be all alone in a new place and how much it fulfilled my needs simply for someone to offer a ride or a washing machine or a meal. Remembering needing a hug and drives through the car wash at 10 p.m. with someone who was sent to show me what real joy is.

And so, here I am, almost a year later and looking around at yet another season of community. A swarm of people swooping in on a living room full of boxes. Walking into a gathering that feels nothing like church and feels more right than ever.

I am learning in new ways what he meant when John said that we know how to love by the love that the father gives. And I am beginning to see that the relationships that we hope will somehow surround us do not necessarily come in crowds, but come in lessons on how to give that same love away. Through moments of loneliness and helplessness and darkness, I learn how to best love those who need it most because others came along and loved me when I was there. Through the pain of rejection and fear, I am compelled to show others there is a new reality. Although at times, the thing just needed is a hug or a quiet "I love you," I am learning that love does not always mean an overflow of affection, but sometimes simply a sincere constancy, a quiet faithfulness that simply whispers that you wait with open arms.

I have been very blessed to live in the company of many who have taught me to love well. I have been given the gift of companionship that allows me to practice small acts of love through washed dishes and watered plants and early morning wake up calls and something about that practice gives me a lot of confidence in my own ability to love well. Through His image of love in others, I learn what the love of the Creator really looks like.

Maybe finding peace in community is reducing your expectations. I occasionally find myself contemplating reasons for being friends with people and, the older I get, the more irrelevant this activity seems. It saves me a lot of time if I choose to love those who are placed in my proximity rather than spending energy on determining if they are worth my time. And through this realization, I find that the relationships I have both hold more weight while also freeing themselves from my grip. My role is no longer winning people over or proving myself or contemplating the value of my time spent with these people-- I simply look for ways to love and do so as I have the opportunities. Sometimes seasons are short and other times, long friendships are formed.

Somehow, I don't find myself asking as many questions about community these days. Perhaps finding the thing that makes community right isn't as illusive as I thought it was. Or maybe it just isn't as perfect as it is simply good. Perhaps the thing I was looking for was other people to fulfill me when the reality is that God is trying to get us to understand that he is enough for us and when we just love, he'll provide the rest. Maybe his plan is to get the ball rolling by sending a few people to show us love and then it snowballs from there. I don't know if community always means sharing every meal or having someone you can always count on to lend you a lawn mower, but maybe it is simply staying in a posture in which others can borrow your lawnmower if the opportunity should arrive. Perhaps.