Distraction

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well.

"Listen to me, you islands;
hear this, you distant nations:
Before I was born, the Lord called me;
from my birth he has made mention of my name.

He made my mouth like a sharpened sword,
in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
He made me into a polished arrow
and concealed me in his quiver.

He said to me, "you are my servant,
Israel in whom I will display my splendor."
But I have said, "I have labored to no purpose;
I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing.
Yet what is due me is in the Lord's hand,
and my reward is in God."

And now the Lord says--
he who formed me in the womb to be his servant
to bring Jacob back to him
and gather Israel to himself.
for I am honored in the eyes of the Lord and my God has been my strength--

He says:
"It is too small a thing for you to be my servant
to restore the tribes of Jacob
and bring back those of Israel I have kept.
I will also make you a light for the gentiles,
that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth.

This is what the Lord says--
the Redeemer and Holy One of Israel--
to him who was despised and abhorred by the nation,
to the servant of the rulers:
"Kings will see you and rise up,
princes will see and bow down,
because of the Lord, who is faithful,
the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you."

Isaiah 49

It is all too easy to become distracted; keeping our vision from becoming clouded seems to be one of the hardest endeavors in life. Somehow excuses and distractions have crept in, bringing a curtain across a calling I once heard louder than any other desire. Yet, here I am in this space of life that so many people have come to. I have completed the work of a college degree-- met the requirements, applied myself to the paces set before me. I am nearly 23 years old, single, female, capable, American. I've had my eyes on a prize for what feels like the entirety of my life. I've been dreaming about this accomplishment-- the gateway.

And somewhere along the way, an enemy crept in, began whispering lies in my ear about what I deserve, what all of this means. I've been tempted to eat of the apple, tempted to venture beyond the path of my calling to empty promises of fulfillment away from the kingdom. You deserve security, you deserve passion, you deserve excitement, you deserve to be rewarded for all you've done. I've allowed these lies to make excuses, allowed them to creep in an steal the joy of being wholly surrendered to the work of a kingdom far beyond the delights of this world. I've allowed the Liar to tell me of my unworthiness, my incapability, distracted by the largeness of this life.

Today is the first day in a longer time that I can remember the passion I once felt about teaching. Suddenly, I see a vision of myself in a classroom full of students in need of healing and love and do not shudder in painful fear. For the first time in a long time, I remember that He has promised to make me into the teacher he has made me to be. for the first time, I do not muffle the voice reminding me that the classroom is the Kingdom place made for my spirit. I am reminded that the joy of following the call towards healing is greater than any other joy in life. For the first time in a long time, I woke with a clarity about what my life today is about. I was made for this and the Lord has been building into me all that I need for 22 years and 11 months. He has not forsaken it.

I have allowed unrealistic expectations to creep into the dreams the Lord has placed in my heart. I have surrendered to the fear of not being perfect in the first go and I've given in to the terror of scrutiny and mistakes. I've chosen not to believe in God's promise for my daily bread and started collecting manna for the next ten years.

But today I've started to allow the warmth of God's promise of security to soften my heart. Suddenly, I am aware of the truth in his promise to sustain me through this strange, dark forest of waiting and watching. Suddenly, I find his over-abundant hand steadying me as I fear the threats of falling.

So I do not quite know what the future holds, but the Lord has renewed in me a hunger for the surrender to his Kingdom. He has opened my grip on momentary pleasures and has dispelled the half-truths that have been whispering discouragement in my ears about what teaching holds for me. I've been listening to this voice saying that pursuing this call is an act of selfish pursuit of security, that to seek it alone is to desire to take care of myself. The truth, however, is that the Lord does have a unique place for me-- yes, it is in some ways solitary, but it is solitary in the sense that I can only do what God asks me to do. God calls me to community, to bind my life to those he brings into my sphere, but he does not call me to find myself or my security in their presence. He has asked me to give all of myself to his kingdom. To seek the life of a teacher is not to seek a self-sufficient life of personal income (the pay scale will reveal this quickly), but it is the pursuit of a life wholly dependent upon a God who has called me to join Him in the restoration of his Kingdom here on earth. I would rather die than be about anything else.

I do not know what the next few months hold as I believe I am being asked to wait, but I do know that it is a time ripe for the Lord's working in me. The land of my heart and life has been cleared, ready and fertile for his renewal, his refashioning. I am released from the hard labor of a life committed to the paces of University life and I eagerly await to the growth and education from the Father alone. Today I eagerly await the spring of my desire, a renewal of passion and commitment to the healing God has prepared me to do in the classroom.

Lord God, my Father, I thank you for your faithfulness. I thank you that you do not abandon, even as I turn away in distraction. I thank you for your jealousy that pursues us, for your love that breaks us of all that is less than what you offer for our lives. I thank you that you promise to give all that I have need of, that your mercies are new every morning. Abba, take me and mold me in your likeness during this strange, dark forest of a season. Continue to open me to your work and make me open to the community you have placed around me in this time. Abba, place your hand of healing around my heart as I embark on the treacherous journey towards truth. We are the clay, you are the potter-- help me to remember this as I journey forward. it is only your life that I want. I only want to be used in your kingdom as you move us toward restoration. Continue to lay me down on the altar, surrendered to whatever you would have for this life. Keep me open and only seeking the security of your hand.