" We can speak to the teacher within our students only when we are on speaking terms with the teacher within ourselves... Deep speaks to deep, and when we have not sounded our own depths, we cannot sound the depths of our students' lives...
We need to find every possible way to listen to that voice and take its counsel seriously, not only for the sake of our work but for own health as well. If someone in the outer world is trying to tell us something important and we ignore his or her presence, the person either gives up and stops speaking or becomes more and more violent in attempting to get our attention.
Similarly, if we do not respond to the voice of the inward teacher, it will either stop speaking or become violent: I am convinced that some forms of depression, of which I have personal experience, are induced by a long-ignored inner teacher trying desperately to get us to listen by threatening to destroy us. When we honor that voice with simple attention, it responds by speaking more gently and engaging us in a life-giving conversation of the soul.
That conversation does not have to reach conclusions to be of value: we do not need to emerge from talking to ourselves with clear goals, objectives, and plans. Measuing the vaue of the inner dialogue by its practical outcomes is like measuring the value of a friendship by the number of problems that are solved when friends get together.
Conversation among friends has its own rewards: in the presence of our friends, we have the simple joy of feeling at ease, at home, trusted and able to trust. We attend to the inner teacher not to get fixed but to befriend the deeper self, to cultivate a sense of identity and integrity that allows us to feel at home wherever we are."
-- Parker Palmer, "The Courage to Teach" 32
I have been thinking about this idea of "befriending the inner self" recently. I have often thought of myself as one uncommonly in touch with my own inner life, but at this point in my life, I am wondering if perhaps it would do good to learn again, in a deeper way, to listen to my heart, to hear the voice of my true self. There are often many voices speaking over each other in my head-- sometimes it takes a lot of time, a lot of distilling to get to the true heart of my heart. At Worship@8500, someone spoke about becoming friends with the Holy Spirit. Something in me responds to that idea. It touches the strings of a heart that does not have that friendship. I am looking forward to an intimacy with my inner spirit and the Spirit of the Father that dwells there.
I have been wondering about my own sense of presence and contentment lately. It has become easy to look at my life and find myself frustrated that I am not yet arrived at all the places I want to be-- even despite the many many steps I have walked. I have had my eyes set on a far off promised land when the reality is that my present has much to teach me. I find myself wondering why I don't feel certain ways, fearful of the lack of certain desires and the presence of other, unexpected one. And I need to remember that where I am in this moment is essential, valuable, and good. I am making it my goal to listen more to the voice of the present rather than wondering about the future, the past and how everything is going to come together in that vast someday.
I am reminding myself often that life is not easy and that growth takes time. I hate that period in between things-- I have a tendency to want everything to be complete in a flash. I expect to blink and have everything together. Apparently, that isn't a realistic expectation.
Nevertheless, hard as it is to stop and remember, I am learning to love the beauty of these journey moments. I am learning to recognize and honor the moments that I simply do not know, when there is nothing accomplished, nothing achieved or earned. There is something about these sorts of seasons that seem to teach the beauty of letting go; submission to a lover who wants nothing less than the greatest goodness for me. I get a little better at realizing that I am, in fact, not in control and that is actually quite good.
Tomorrow I am moving into a small studio-- just mine. Just me. I am looking forward to this as a mark of a new season. A season of solitude and a season of greater intimacy with the Spirit and the Father. I am hoping for a season in which I learn again what you are mine means and to learn it in a completely new way. I am looking forward to walking a new path, making friends with this inner self, to learn from my inner teacher a bit more about this mystery of a woman the Creator has placed in this frame of mine.
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