"There has never been a doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." Philippians 1:6

In the space since I last wrote, it feels like a whirlwind has swept in and suddenly nearly all is changed. I've thought about sitting down here, feeling like it is probably appropriate to put it to words, or at least commit it to this space. But, truth be told, it feels like much of what has changed in my heart is simply better lived than spoken. I think much of what I write here is the process of getting to my feet to walk in whatever truth I am swimming through-- it seems more often than not, once I am actually transformed in a more complete way by the thoughts that come through here, it seems nearly redundant to even write it here. But I thought it might be... nice? to at least provide a few glimpses into what's been happening in my heart because I feel like this is one of the more significant moments of this story. So here you go. Maybe I will write more later. Probably not.

First. My heart. I've decided to start listening to it. Actually. For real. I'm realizing that there is a lot lurking down there still that I've left in the dark to avoid the pain. It seems my daily prayer has become a simple request to see what is really down there. And then a second request for courage to resist the urge to run fast and long. I've taken a lot of pride in thinking of myself as one who knows herself well and I have recently been humbled by the realization that there is a lot I still need to face, acknowledge and claim, regardless of the shame and hurt that such an act puts me at risk for. I am realizing that there is a lot that I've avoided for the sake of revisited hurt. I am realizing that I've closed a lot of places in my heart and it is time that I opened those doors. And so I am faithfully (and slowly) walking towards those places with my hand in the hand of the Father and my Savior, trusting that in his gentle way, much of the pain I have so neatly tried to pretend away will actually be healed.

I am learning how to claim all the pieces of myself. I am learning the discipline of quieting the voice of condemnation and speaking the voice of love and acceptance to myself when I am reminded of all the ways that I don't measure up. I am walking through the fire of loving myself just the way I am. I seem to have adopted a bad habit of self-condemnation for all of the reasons that I may possibly be judged or rejected by others. I've been viewing myself through the eyes of an extremely judgemental and graceless person and have made a false agreement with the belief that this personality actually exists in every person I encounter.

I am asking for a softened heart that lets in the love of others, regardless of the form this love takes. I find my heart changing from a posture of defense to one of trust as I allow others to love me and as I believe that who I am is worthy of being known. I find that my heart is slowly but steadily being changed from one that fears it will never belong to one that realizes its own value in mere existence. I am learning what it means to be a person who has value simply as one Created by the one who is all Love, Beauty, and Grace. I am walking back into the reality that "I am gifted and called to be a difference maker in the world for the glory of God," as some good friends of mine like to say.

I am learning that it is an essntial thing to realize and admit that I need others in a real and deep way. I am being given a new heart that allows others in. I am being reformed to see that intimacy with God does not mean seeking an isolated monk-like existence of solitude and wilderness and all of that. not that there are not places and seaons that are right for this. But I am coming to the hard truth that the Father reveals himself in his children-- and so that means that if I really want to find God, I have to peer right into the hearts, eyes, and lives of people. That means submitting myself to their love. This means risking rejection and disappointment and hurt (which also means admitting that these things happen in relationship and that I am not invincible). That means listening to thier stories. That means really giving in to relationship in a way that is deeply frightening. Intimacy with the father means intimacy with his children. And that also scares the shit out of me.

I am learning how to stop lying. A big secret I like to keep is that I have a problem with honesty. It isn't my strong suit. I like to hide and embellish. Surprise. It's true. And so the Lord is cracking me open and exposing all of the secrets I've tried to keep from him, but have actually only been keeping to myself. In the last month or so, Abba has demanded honesty from me. Give me your entire heart. No hiding or avoiding. Tell me what you really want. Look deep and name the hurts. Be disappointed. I am learning that when he says "you are mine and I want all of you," that actually means everything. It means telling him all of the trivial junk that seems to be insignificant and wasteful to me. It means resisting the urge to bury and run and fake things. I am working on, little by little, coming out of hiding.

There is more. It seems these days I am bombarded by the tiny pricks of things that are, piece by peice, shedding all of these little parts. One small moment at a time, I am being renewed and I can only continually shout words of thanks through the burning, refining flames. I think I will probably write more in the coming days and weeks as I find more words to share, but for now, I am simply enjoying walking it out, so thankful for each moment spent with the father as he leaves his fingerprints all over this new, softened heart of mine. stay tuned...