Church. So it is sunday. Sunday. I've been doing some thinking about church these days. Since I've been here, I've decided to take some time off from traditional, western church for the purpose of a bit of reflection, a bit of sorting. I think also for the sake of some freedom. To remind myself what it is for, what it looks like, who I am in the midst of it, and where to go from here.

And I think sometimes I feel like it is becuase I am angry or I have a right to be cynical or something, but I don't think that is really quite it. Sometimes, maybe. But at the same time, I feel like it is so complicated becuase I'm tired of that strange akwardness of being here only for a while-- caught in the tension. I think too, it is a bit of breathing room for a while. Putting a distance between me and this strange thing that we call church.

What I want to know is when did we start putting a box around what church has to be? I mean, was it back in Leviticus or sometime in the middle ages? I don't know. But how did we get to that place where we confined God to three hymns and a preacher inside a man-made box? When did it stop being a walk through the garden in the cool of the day? And when did we start yelling at other people when they decided to stop getting inside the box for a while?

Freedom. Breath. Today I went on a long walk out along the river with a friend and just talked and after that, we jumped my car and bought a new battery. And we stood there in the parking lot of the auto parts store and I said, "So, I would say this is church, wouldn't you?" Funny how that works. I think sometimes it is important to remind yourself that God is a part of the real things in life. The trees awakening to spring, one person finding vulnerability in an old car and another being there to share the hardships. I think we miss this a lot in our brick-box churches.

I think the main reason that I feel I must write this here is that I need to say that IO'm not angry. I'm not not going to church to be cynical or judgemental-- I just need some room to breathe. I feel like this place in my life is an intentional place of distance to see things clearly. A place to realize the freedom that is mine, a place of knowing that God is so big. So very big. And that is the kind of God that I want to be found hiding in becuase there is room there. There is enough room for my questions, enough room for curse words, room enough for pain, anger, frustration. Enough room to lay it out on the table and not be afraid of making too big of a mess. I suppose you could say it is the ideal studio for creating real masterpieces.

Hm. I think that is a good thought. That if God is the grand creator and he is longing to make masterpieces in us, he must be a God with lots of room. Lots and lots of room.

It is funny sometimes to really think about the fact that there is nothing God has never seen, nothing too graphic or ugly for him to see and enter into. He isn't afraid-- he doesn't flinch. He doesn't shy away from the blood and the guts. No, this is the space that he longs to be in the center of. Sort of like those people who actually really want to be paramedics. There is nothingi that is too much for him to handle. And I think that gives me hope that I too, can be brave like he is, becuase I am made in his image. He wants to dive into all of that-- through my body. Breathe it in.

As I often quote, "If you are in me, you are in this." I like it.