I'm tired today. A bit tired of not having any food and the little food that I do have is on the verge of going bad and just thinking about the money that I spent on that food a week ago and thinking about having to go back and do that all again. And you realize the power of prayer when you put your plate of food in the microwave and find yourself saying to God, "please just make this food magically turn into something I want to eat as soon as I press 'start'--" food that you were already thinking you might be tired of eating and the idea that it might at any moment be sour and rotten makes it even less appitizing. And feeling a bit lonely. Exhausted from a day of angry mothers blaming you for their child's insitance on going to an out of state school and their choice to allow it. I've begun reading this book by John Piper and I'm not sure how I fBut it has been a good daeel about it becuase it seems teetering a little close to the conservative sort of self-help spirituality book and that worries me a little becuase I'm not sure I want to be the type of person who really likes those types of books. I mean, I like the ones that talk about spirituality and that share new ideas about what it means to live this life, but there is something about the same sort of Christian language that we use in sermons in sunday school, but I sort of worry that if one of my co-workers were to ask what the book is or what it is about, I would feel a little silly speaking to them in this language that we all use but struggle not to let get old and musty even in our brand-new churches. And I know the book must have something good and the man really must have something valuable to say becuase there are at least 3 people I respect fairly deeply who love John Piper, but I have a hard time getting past it a bit.

But nevertheless, it has been a good day. I love being on my own. I love getting up in the morning and putting on a nice skirt and riding my bike to work all by myself. Its sort of like the first time you learned to tie your shoes. Like the shoes were the beginning and this is like the pennacle of such an endeavor. There is also something extremely wonderful about riding a bike in a skirt. Something sort of romantic and strange and challenging that sort of allows me a thrill that lasts for a good portion of the day. I don't know if it's something I can describe or if it is just something that you have to experience. And I don't know if it is quite right unless you have the tallest of tall road bikes like mine with a basket on the back and made way back in the 60's when all the really great vintage stuff was made to be wonderful now.

So that's that. It was good to see a friend last night. To see a familiar face from the dorm and be reminded that I am not all alone in this summertime college town when everyone has gone back home to be taken care of by their mammas. It was good to come home from work today and finish up all the loose ends I had hanging all over my messy room. Called the new landlord about the lease, cleaned up a bit, payed the phone bill, verified that I am definately going to need to get paid for this first couple of weeks of working full-time before I can pay rent. Emailed the professor to let her know that it is not the summer class I need the override into, but the fall class and if she could please please please just do me that favor, although I have been too afraid to look and see if her section is at the same time as the figure drawing with the amazing professor that everyone raves about. CLeaned off the desk and attempted to fix the trim that came off. Grr. Wondered why it seems like nothing I own or buy seems to last very long before it breaks.

But I'm still tired and this $7.99 directors' chair from the ARC is a really great palce to be right now. .. I think I'll stay.

don't waste your life

one thing I love about summer and about my job is the ample (or fairly ample) opportunity to read. I just began John Piper's "don't waste your life" and here is a point that I never really considered before, but brings to light some stuff that I have puzzled over for a while:

If We Reject Him, We Reject God

"Jesus is the litmus test of reality for all persons and all relgions. He said it clearly: 'THe one who rejects me rejects him who sent me' (Luke 10:16). People and religions who reject Christ reject God. Do other religions know the true God? Here is the test: Do they reject HEsys as the only savior for sunners who was crucified and raised by God from the dead? If they do, they do not know God in a saving way.
That is what Jesus meant when he siad, ' I am the way, and the truth, and the life. Noone come to the Father except through me' (John 14:6). Or when he siad, 'Whoever does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent him' (John 5:23). Ir when he said to the Pharisees, 'If God were your Father, you would love me' (John8:42)...
...There is no point in romanticizing other religions that reject the diety and saving work of Christ. They do not know God. And those who follow them tragically waste their lives.
If we would see and savor the glory of God, we must see and savor Christ. For Christ is 'the image of the invisible God' (Colossians 1:15). To put it another way, if we would embrace the glory of God, we must embrace the Gospel of Christ. The resaon for this is not only becuase we are sinners and need a savior to die for us, but also because this Savior is himself the fullest and most beautiful manifestation of the glory of God. He purchases our undeserved and everlasting pleasure, and he becomes for us our all-deserving, everlasting Treasure."

I never really thought too hard about this, but it sort of brings a beautiful unity to the way the Father and the Son fit together. I have heard and thought about and loved the idea of Christ being a picture of what God is like, but I never really connected it that we would have to accept Jesus as he was and all that he said he was on earth in order to be honest in saying what we believe about God. There is some beautiful, sort of conforting harmony to that idea. I like it...

Some views from the weekend...

this past weekend I had the priviledge of traveling a few hours to the magnificent state of Nebraska. I debated about whether I wanted to stay here at home and chill since I really haven't even had one day to be at home since the semester ended, but it was definately a good weekend to get reconnected with God as well as a great opportunity to get a little dirty on the ranch, see some family, and enjoy creation through my camera! Take a look!
I love the juxtaposition of old and new, natural versus man-made. I love the texture and variation you find in this old farm equipment.








a view from the top of Scott's Bluff
I love getting away becuase there is always new views of creation to be seen. I was thinking while we were driving out in the middle of Whyoming that even though the thought of driving through these dry, flat states even makes you bored, it is so great to get out and away from the city just for the opportunity to take in the expanse of the land and the sky. There is something so big and mysterious and uncontrollable that I love!
Look at those clouds. For some reason, whenever I am able to get away , or even just get outside for a few minutes, I am always overtaken my this sense of wonder about the clouds. I'm not sure what it is, but something about clouds and their bigness and variation inspires me a lot.
a bunny under the wagon at Scott's bluff.

a familiar place

So today I officially signed up to volunteer at the Fort Collins Museum of Contemporary Art. I committed. If this is right, it seems that God sure answers prayers quickly. Funny how when we finally get around to bringing things before him, he comes through.

But I find myself committed to do something, given my word which in turn requires me to give of my time and energy and effort, and really, if i'm going to really be in it, my heart. And I find myself in that doorway of uncertainty wondering where this is going to lead and secretly asking myself ."What have I gotten myself into." I struggled a lot with choosing to volunteer here becuase I just wonder if volunteering at an art museum is really contributing to society in the most beneficial way possible for me. I mean, its not a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter and I don't really see myself as uplifting the oppressed in any way. I mean, honestly, it sort of feels like in a way I may be contributing to the false, uppity sort of sentiment of the stuffy art lovers. But on the other hand, I can find justification in saying I am contributing to the widespread love of art-- art as a gift from God, art as a means through which someone else is able to communicate who God made them to be at their deepest level. Plus, I am placing myself in an environment that will equip me to more effectively teach art in the future and enrich the lives of others, allowing me more opportunities to be part of others' lives. I sound like I'm trying to prove something that may not be proven. But I guess that I feel I must prove this to myself.

So here I stand on this threshold, asking myself the question of "What have you gotten yourself into?" and feeling a bit nervous and unsure. Much like I remember myself sitting in a certain metal chair at a certain meeting for a certain trip with a certain group of people over a certain Spring Break, thinking, "I am scared to death... But I trust my Abba, who I am, at this very moment, clutching to with all my might, to pull me through or patch it up when its all over." And so I'm afraid. I don't know anyone here at all, and I'm slightly afraid they might think i'm a stupid little girl. But I love the museum. Every time I am there, I feel a bit overwhelmed by all that is around me. All there is to take in and learn and understand and experience, and I want that. Dearly. And so I have committed two of my saturdays and I am so excited to be a part of it. To have my eyes opened and my heart changed a bit. And if that is not what is in store for me, so be it. I know who is in charge of me and if there is somewhere else where I should be committing my time and my life, then I will follow there. In the meantime... here I am. A little afraid. A little unsure. Definately not in the comfortable place I have ever been in. And yet aren't those the best places for growth?

I love that feeling when you find something deep inside you that allows you to quiet all the lies swirling around in your heart, when you somehow find your arm has gotten a bit longer so that you can reach down into this place somewhere even deeper than you had ever imagined before and pulled out this big voice of truth. This voice that says, "stop condemning me." I am finding in the past few months that this voice has gotten louder and stronger and I love it. Some days I have trouble finding it, but nevertheless, I feel it growing in a beautiful way.

So I continue on my journey. Tonight I am going to a newcomer's night at my pastor's house, something I was unsure about, but really wanted to go and feel like I had a right to be a part of. I've been thinking a lot about church lately and what I really need that to look like in my life and wondering still how to find it. Honestly, I just want to be in a place where I feel known and loved and accepted. Like the reason why people were coming together wasn't just becuase that is what people do or becuase their families come or becuase they are pursuing this "personal relationship with Jesus," because that is what makes them right and other people wrong. No. I need to be in a place of community where I am able to have needs and share those and share the stuff about Heidi that is real and important, even though it sometimes feels trivial in comparison to all the junk the world labels as "important." And I want to be in a place where I am needed too. I know one of the things growing up in church we as a family talked about a lot was how people treated us as if they did not need us. They had their friends and they had their lives together, so we ought to have just gone somewhere else where we fit. Knowing what I know now, all of that is just fake non-sense. Church should be a place where I leave my mask at the door, the one place in this world that I ought to be able to wear mismatched socks and have that be a peice of what people love about me. I need church to be a place where I am allowed to serve others. To be free from this catch-22 of being told that we are called to serve others and this is what "good christians do", but feeling like only a select few who dress the right way and live on the right side of town would have the priveledge of such an interaction with another human being. Another person within the Country C-- err church, that is. Sometimes I wonder if as a church we stifle ourselves and others more than we realize by sticking to all the stupid rules we set up to avoid really facing things.

I've been wrestling a bit lately with this impulse to be bitter or maybe afraid of relationships with a lot of people. Maybe just people who I don't see as oppressed or people who put a lot of stock in the way they dress or the money they have or the company they keep. I get this sort of image of this stereotypical "Country Club Christian" who wants to appear right becuase they are in the Christian Club and do all the right sort of Christian-associated things, but is fake. I get this voice in my head that says, "Stay far from those people. Do not follow that impulse to love them as human beings, created and loved by God, because eventually they are going to turn and tell you who you really are deep down is stupid and they don't want to know you. Be afraid." There is that bitterness in that voice and I want to be free of it. And I think it may be possibly this desire not to be associated at all with the sort of people that have hurt me in that way in the past. I get this sense from those sort of images that these are people claiming to be "right," becuase of their appearance when deep down I am caught in this knowing that they are wrong to even think that there is such thing as being "more right" than anyone else. It's a confusing place to be in. And I find myself rambling here at my dear readers' expense. And thus you see why it has been a wrestling match. But to have hope of victory some day is so sweet. To be able to look at this challenge and face people one face at a time and realize that each person is deeper than the stereotypes I am tempted to place upon them. To have patience to wait until I am able to really see who they are come out. To set aside the anger and trust the spirit in me to find love.

So, although this post may seem bit scattered and unrelated, it is all really so intimately intwined with the state of my heart and life and eyes. Everything I do, everything I pursue, ever encounter I have seems to be touched by this. As someone wise once prayed, "God, if you are in me, you are in this..."

Lessons from a weekend...

It has been quite an interesting weekend. One of the things this weekend entailed was a trip home on friday night, a trip back here this morning for church and then a trip back home this afternoon to celebrate a birthday. One of the principal purposes of the trip home was to attend the graduation at my high school, which was such a great experience, a beautiful thing to see and be a part of and be able to use as a means of reflections. I few observations:

1. It may be that our class can come together over the next few years and nothing will have changed other than maybe we become more like ourselves and we gain more respect for each other with time
2. I appreciate the class below mine so much simply becuase it is full of so many great individuals. Individuals who may really have been my best friends though high school. Sitting in the front row during that ceremony looking at my little brothers and sisters was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Despite the strife that has been between our classes, I feel just as one with them in the struggle as I do with my own class, even if it may not have been in quite the same way. I have this feeling for them that is so different from my own peers that I find unable to express. Maybe its appreciation, admiriation, gratitude, pride. I feel so much like those are my kids somehow... even though they aren't much jounger than I. Maybe this is why I want to teach high school. I don't know...
3. I get tired of people who just do things for appearances and popularity. Groups of people like this make me uncomfortable and, frankly, bored. These are not the people that I have any desire to remain connected to.

...

I feel like this weekend has been busy, but it still has been full of a lot of different thoughts and impressions. I fear that staying up here and continuing to go to church at Immanuel for the sumemr is going to be a challenge, or rather, I should say is a challenge becuase I feel like a great deal of the responsibility for me to stay connected and become more connected is my own. And any sort of relational responsibility scares me. And so I'm praying, or rather I should maybe say begging Abba to give me strength and to be speaking truth into my heart about that, dispelling lies and these fears. My friend who introduced me to the church has graduated and is no longer there for me to rely upon and hide behind. Its a little scary. But God give me strength, grow something out of this soil.

As I sat in church this morning as our pastor adressed some concerns in the church regarding some unrest within our community about changes and so on, I just so realized that all I want is a group of people to connect with, a group to care about and to care about me. And I just found myself wondering if I might ever find this? I decided to plunge deeper with this community because I believed that I would be able to find that here, but it is still so hard and I am afraid and I am shy and I need people to see me. I need people to know that all my chips are down and all I want is to find companionship, to share life. And so I pray. And I am afraid.

...

It seems like as more days past, the more I want to travel out of the country. I have been looking at some information about study abroad for next spring and more than ever I am wanting to go. And I look at the money situation and wonder how in the world I could ever afford it without taking a parent loan. And I listen to stories about the girl who is going to Peru for the entire summer simply to find villiages that need to hear that God loves them so much that he came to rescue them from the human plight and I want her to take me with her. And I wonder if I should just forget about study abroad and just go somewhere to volunteer. And so I continue to pray. And I begin to pray harder.

...

I've realized that I really want to get involved in the community in some way, but I am afraid. I want to use my creativity or just my heart to be part of helping people, volunteering, being part of programs helping kids love art or building houses for people. but there is something in me that keeps me from pursuing these desires, keeps me from committing. But I think this is really something I want to do. I want to be involved more in my community.

As I was thinking tonight about what keeps me from this, I sort of realized that I have always felt strange pursuing involvement in the community becuase I have never felt much like I belonged or had a right to belong to the greater community. Growing up in a tiny town consisting of a small neighborhood, an elementary school, a high school, a post office and "the little store," I never felt like we were accepted into the community. Our family was weird and we didn't belong. Moving to the bigger town didn't help much. I even volunteered a little at a kid's camp, but even then had this sense that I did not fit and never would...

I would like to break free of that. And so I pray...

It's good to be alive. Summer days. Breezes blowing through the screen door on June nights. Friends and sisters and people to do life with. People you once thought might not fulfill you suddenly being the people you find at your side. Work all day. Student Financial Servies, I'd love to help you as long as you promise to be understanding that I am only the messenger and there are state laws and regulations that are actually good especially when it means managing 27,000 people all at once. So, sir, please don't use that word and no, unfortunately there are no supervisors available at this time, but if I could take your number, I promise I will refer your question to someone who really does care and who really will call you back. Soon. Time to think. Time to contemplate. Time to consider why it is so hard to make a decision about what I want and what I don't want and how my plans will turn out tomorrow when I am actually somewhere else. And having the thought that it would be so nice to throw it all to the wind and just make my yes yes. To choose and to know and be okay with my own choice. To have my own washing machine. Something strangely beautiful and comforting about it. To know that at any moment I could walk downstairs and put all of my towels in the washing machine. And then put them in the dryer. Without having to dig up all of my spare change and hope that the change machine won't eat my cash this time. Ah, the simple luxuries. And to appreciate that I have this becuase some people don't. And to realize how lucky I am. To walk on the ancient tree-lined paths on the way to psychology 101 and to realize how affluent I am at 19. And how for some people waking up in the morning and staying alive and safe until night is an accomplishment. And thinking nothing of it to be a citizen of a country that is excluded from nothing. To realize how abnormal that is and yet how privledged and what an honor it is just to be born this way. Having done nothing to earn it. Sounds a bit like amazing, grace, wouldn't you say? And so I sit in my cool, breezy room, unworthy of the desk I sit before. Unworthy of the $7.99 director's chair from the ARC that I sit upon. Unworthy of the sandals I bought today. Unworthy of the pile of clothes I look upon just now. These things that we tell ourselves we need, these things we use to tell others we are more lucky and important and beautiful and worthy than they are. When we are really dying inside of our whitewashed homes. When there are people in a ramshackled community center who really get it. People like me who have found just enough of thier fragile security in this wood hay straw that joining these child-souls would be a little too risky. And I often fear that I have put a little too much of my faith in these things. Or at least I I find a little too much pleasure in them. Enough pleasure to forget what the point really is. And that tomorrow all could be gone with one wash of the sea. This could be my life. Washed away. And I am forced to ask myself if this would be okay with me. If I could handle it. If my entire life would be gone without all of these things. No. I say with a resounding wind, or at least with all the wind my little lungs can afford NO!! My life will not be washed away with the shoes I paid my money for and my books and my computer and even this caladar beside my desk. I would still have my life. Maybe even a little more of it. And that is good to know. A good assessment to make sometimes. Every once in a while to look around at the castles and barns that I've built and realize that if they all burnt tomorrow, I would be okay with that. Life is good. And I am blessed to be breathing air in this beautiful country in this beautiful world. A world I hope to see one day outside of this little bubble of an unreal world. To really know and see and understand. To experience the true beauty of the world outside of my plastic bubble of shrink-wrapped-processed-food. Someday, I will break free, I will come out to see life as it is and how it was intended. And that will be a beautiful day.

" 'Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin' -- they simly are! Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars, the moon-- all of these simply are as well-- yet what a ministry and service they render on our behalf! So often we impair Go'ds designed influence, which he desires to exhibit through us, because of our own conscious efforts to be consistend and useful. Jesus said there is only one way to devlop and grow spirtiuall, and that is through focusing and concentrating on God. In essence, Jesus was saying. 'Do not worry about being of use to others; Simply believe on me.' In other words, pay attention to the Source, and out of you 'will flow rivers of living water' (John 7:38). WE cannot discover the source of our natural life through common sense and reasoning, and Jesus is teaching here that grwoth in our spiritual life come not from focuing directly on it, but from concentrating on our Father in heaven. Our heavenly FAther knows our circumstances, and if we stay focused on Him, instead of our circumstances, we will grow spiritually-- just as 'the liles of the feild.'
The pople who influence us the most are not those who deatin us with the continual talk, but those who live their lives like the stars in the sky and the ' liles of the field'-- simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mold and shape us.
If you wnt to be of use to GOd, maintain the proper relationship with Jesus Christ by staring focused on Him, and He will make use of you every minute you live-- yet you will be unaware, on the conscious level of your life, that you are being used of Him."


I recieved Oswald Chamber's devotional book, "My Utmost for his Highest" almost exactly one year as a graduation gift. I'll admit that I don't read it often, but many times when I struggle with anything to say to Abba, or I feel this brick wall, I go to this book and it always seems to have something deep and profound to hit me right where I am at and I love it.

And today was no exception. I've been struggling a great deal lately. Maybe just with the transition from dorms and having people all around me to just going to work all day and only having a few people around me. Its been a bit lonely in comparison. And I've been struggling to assess where I am spiritually and if I might be doing well enough to merit some sort of goodness. Maybe this book is always encouraging to me becuase I need it most when I am trying my hardest to think through my spirtual state, and it seems more often that not Chambers is just saying,"The key is to stop thinking and live..." So that is what I shall do...