wondering what to do...

It's friday afternoon. I've been explaining to parents all afternoon that loans really are financial aid. My throat is soar from all the talking. I don't know what I'm going to do tonight but I'm hoping that I won't have to sit all alone in this tiny room all night. I'm feeling a bit hopeless and out of control about where I'm going to be living next year. Funny how things so quickly change from so exciting to dissappointing. Yet another reminder that all I have is this moment. And even it is fleeting.

I'm feeling a bit lonely and I'm wondering if this will ever change. Its hard predicting the future and yet it seems so neccissary sometimes. could this be the opening of a door that I must have enough trust to walk through or is it something else? Where do I find the wisdom? And where do I find the balance to just let go and decide. The inevitable biting of the bullet. It must present itself at some point I'm sure. And how does one know the exact moment when that is to occur? I do not know... but nevertheless. Here I lie.

So here I am, sitting at my computer, contemplating how to begin a paper on Franz Kline after reading a vast majority of a very large book on the wonder of the man who has found a way to allow raw and pure emotion to ooze from the tip of his brush. How do you begin such a paper...

what if graduation was never the point?

What a monday! It's been a week back at school and it has been quite a week. It is so great being able to continue to meet with the people that I went to Mississippi with becuase we are really able to take what we have experienced together and bring it back here and to journey together in discovering what exactly God was wanting to begin in us while we were down there.

Last night at Flow, we focused mainly on reflections from the trip and we came to the place where we began to think about what it would look like if we really believed that serving each other in this same sort of community was really the point? This exploration of this idea that maybe what we went to Mississippi to do for a week was really what we were created to do for a lifetime. How would that realization change our lives?

Something that I have been thinking a lot about lately is really how my life is so consumed with being a student. The sort of awakening to the fact that my life is so centered around doing the studying and the reading and the homework so that I can take the next class and finish the next semester so I can get on with the next task of life. But thinking about that in the context of what is really real and in the context of the times in my life that have really mattered, the more I realize that this cannot be the point. I think the lists and the tasks bring a sense of comfort and security, but it keeps me from really experiencing life. real life.

So I want to stop. I want a heart-change. I want a renewing of my mind. I cannot help but think that if people were to look at my life, the thing that they would say defines it would be schoowork. If I asked the girls in my hall what they thought my life was about, I think they would say it would be working-- keeping my back to the door at this computer or my head in a book. These are safe places for me.

But last night, as a community, we agreed that together we would try to do something new. To view the places that we are-- school, work, in the dorms, at home simply as vehicles with which to reach people. Simply ways for us to be people who need to be connected to people. You can call that loving or serving or whatever-- but i think to me it just has to start with being a person with all the other people on this planet. To come to the realization that we were created simply to be here together. Nothing to accomplish. No list to check off and no requirements or expectations to fulfill. We are simply created to be here, to do this life together, whatever that looks like.

This is the sort of person I want to be. As I sat there in the frigid basement, the thing that kept coming back when I thought about what my life looks like is fear. I realized how much of my life is dictated by fear. How often my thought is, "What might happen to me if I sit down next to that girl in the dining hall," when the real question ought to be, "What will happen to her if I don't?"

So what if we discovered what we were really created for? What if I was brave enough to realize that I was not created for graduation, that acheiving this or anything else for that matter has never been the point. That the point is so much bigger, so much simpler, so mcuh freer? What if I realized that even school is a shadow of something much more beautiful? What if it was all just a vehicle....

Home again, Home again, Jiggidy Jig...

I am sitting here in my parent's basement writing this post, which seems strange and yet at the same time it feels old and good and sweet and a little tense still. It has been a very good weekend. This is the first weekend that I've really been home pretty much since before I left for Chicago around Christmastime. To be really honest, it feels like a bit of an accomplishment for being able to stay away for so long.. sort of a bench mark of how my life has changed. And it has been such a good weekend to see how my view and my heart and my life has changed since graduating and moving to school.

Last night I went to the Spring production of Alice in Wonderland put on by my high school and it was a really pleasant experience, to say the least. I thought it would feel a lot more akward to just drive into the parking lot and get out and look people in the face that I used to look in the face everyday but be fairly timid to attach myself to. I thought I might be left wordless, embarrassed, ashamed facing some people that I was never really friends with but thought I should have been. But it was not like that really at all. I suppose what I feared most about coming back to my old life would be enduring the empty small-talk that really means nothing and is headed nowhere. But instead, as I approached each person, there was this sort of unspoken communication between our hearts, within our eyes that was very beautiful. I saw some of my class as well as some dear friends who were still going to school there and it was so good for my heart. It wasn't thousands of people flocking to me, but it was one or two people that I really got to talk to, to hug, to embrace with my eyes, that really made me know how stange life can be sometimes.

And this morning I went to church and it was very similar-- it was nice just to see people. And although a little dissappointing, it was also sort of relieving to know that not very many of the people from before were still there. To see the change, to know that just like my life, people's lives are going on and moving along.

More than anything, I have been reminded this weekend about change. I have been impressed in the past few weeks about the fact that all we have is this moment-- in a blink, everything can be gone. In just 6 minutes, your home can be filled with 8 feet of water and then it is suddenly gone, taking life as you knew it with you. I am seeing that people change. People move away. People flow into your life. Dynamics in relationships change in an instant. Living arrangements change. Plans change. And the struggle is, what do you cling to? How do you deal with the incessant reeling that you find yourself in? And what are the things that you cling to and what are the things that you simply must allow to float away with the current?

I feel like this has been a good weekend of healing, of seeing how I have been healed. It has been so encouraging to look back at my high school experience and reflect on how good it would have been if I had had the courage to look more people in the eye. If I had simply called more people by name-- had the attentiveness to really learn their name and learn their story. But at the same time it was beautiful to leave that in the past and know that I have so far to go still in the future. To have the clarity of mind to see where I have come from and where I want to go.

In the past few months, I've been thinking a lot about seeing the purpose in each place I travel. Each place I am carried whether it be Chicago or Mississippi or to school or home or wherever else-- each place, each moment, each embrace is loaded with meaning if I choose to seek out that meaning. And so I've been focused on simply being focused on the moment at hand--- milking the meaning and the experience out of each moment. Taking deep breaths so I can see it all as it is in this moment.....

Its wednesday. Life is getting back into its former swing, but still I feel my eyes are a little wider, my heart a little more awake. I've been thinking about trust a lot in these past few days and what it looks like to live and what it looks like to breathe. I've been camping on the latter part of John 14, right before Jesus' death when he is giving his last words to his followers, his friends, his closest family on earth. And I feel like the gist of this passage is faily simple, and yet I find that I cannot find the resolution to move past it yet. here's what he says:

"If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you. I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you with another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Firnd is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in becuase it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already becuase he has been staying with you , and will even be in you!
" I will not leave you orphaned. I'm coming back. In just a little while the world will no longer see me, but you're going to see me becuase I am alive and you're about to come alive. At thay moment you will know absolutely that I'm in my Father , and you're in me, and I'm in you.
"The person who knows my commandments and keeps them, that's who loves me. And the person who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and make myself plain to him." (The Message)

The thing that strikes me about this passage is how flowing it is. You get the sense that all things are one, that love and the Spirit and Jesus and the Father and us and the things that we make important in our lives are all connected. A lot of times the romance and the beauty is taken out of this thing Jesus is saying becuase we make it about something we have to do. We have to obey in order to prove that we love God or we use it as a guilt trip that becuase we don't have all the lists in our lives fulfilled, we must also be lacking some requirement to love besides. But this statement Jesus is making is so peaceful and good becuase he seems to be saying that one thing just flows out of the other. It all begins with love and once we find that, everything else will follow. Its that sacred "my burden is easy" sort of idea that reassures us that our weakness is not the end of our world, but rather the beginning.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it would be like if my life was a manifestation of me simply listening to the Spirit. What sort of peace I would find if I were to have the gift of trust in this Spirit that the Father has been so gracious to place inside of me. Its this idea of really listening to my heart. Listening to my soul. Listening to my body. Realizing that the things that are really moving in the depths of me deserve to be heard-- not only by other people but by me. I've found myself stopping to take deep breaths a lot lately. One reason for this being some sinus blockage, but I think in a way, this head-cold illness I find myself in seems to be a bit of a gift in forcing me to be accutely aware of even my breath; I am taking some time to listen even to the smallest voice of my lungs crying out to be filled yet again.

I think this particular passage is hitting me in this spot simply as a call to listen to the Spirit inside of me. To hear God in the quiet of the soul he has placed in me rather than seeking the lists and the boxes and the ways that I try to figure out God and how he can fit into the illusion of my life. And how Jesus is saying, Do not be afraid. Do not seek these lists and do not think that just becuase I will no longer be tangible to you that what God is doing will stop. You have this in you-- Trust it. Breath in and trust.

Today sort of turned out to be a day where many decisions came to a head, but I was sort of pleasantly surprised to find within myself an unusual peace. I found myself responding with the words, "God will make things work out right," even though I do not see how. That even though time is running out and I find myself empty-handed, I found the strength simply for a deep breath. And a little trust becuase, well, I will know absolutely that He is in the father, I am in Him and He is in me.... And so all will be made plain.

a new view of community

For those of you wondering if I have fallen off the face of the earth-- I have not. I spent my Spring Break in Moss Point, Mississippi doing Katrina Relief work and enjoying God's creation in that part of the country. Needless to say, it was an amazing trip, a powerful trip, a stretching trip, although I am still sorting through all that has been changed in me over this past week.

I have learned a lot about me. I've learned a lot about church and what that looks like. I've learned a lot about what is important in life. I was hoping that on this trip I would take a few more steps in the direction of sorting out finidng a home in a church or ministry somewhere and even though I may not have gotten to the bottom of it, I think this trip has helped me take a few big strides at any rate.

At this point, I'm not sure what all to say. I have this little voice at the back of my head telling me that I ought to feel some certain thing, that there is some expectation that I must fulfill and I am not fulfilling it. But I am going to make the choice to quiet that voice and trust that the things that God is going to begin to unpack in the coming days and weeks will be valid and true and it will be just what I need at this point in my journey.

To be honest, the thing at the forefront of my mind is simply how strange it is to be back here in this little room that I call my own, or at least the half of this little room that I share. It was weird last night coming from being in a car with 10 other people for 25 hours and spending the week moving as a body with 24 other people to this lonely room in this lonely hall. I didn't really feel tired. I didn't really feel much of anything. but if there is one thing that I heard spoken into my heart over and over agian this week is simply that things are what they are. Nothing more and nothing less.

Without a doubt, if there was one thing that we did this week, it was joining our Father in bringing hope back into the lives of his people in Ocean Springs. Over the week and especailly as we reflected on the trip on our 25 hour drive, we discussed how important it is that our trip be about more than just social justice. Our trip was about so much more than just driving 1500 miles to pick up some trash. It was about people seeing God. It was about seeing what real life looks like.

This trip has been a vivid picture to me about what it means to be a community-- a neighboorhood, a church, a friend, a member of the human race. When we got to our work site on Monday morning, we were dissappointed to find that instead of working on the house of someone in dire need, we would be working on a rental house, something that C.O.R.E., the organization we were working with does not typically do. This was a special case because this home would be used to house staff for CORE, so more could come down and help. Upon arrival, we found that the back yard of this small brick house had been the place were the flood waters had deposited all the large debris from the middle-class neighboorhood, which sat right on the beach. This yard was piled higher than imaginable with couches, entire sheets of fensing, refrigerators, dryers with clothes still in them, shoes, staircases, and every type of everyday item one could think of. From DVD's to clothing hangers, cleaning supplies to children's toys.

But little did we know, as we piled out of our white 15 passenger vans, eyes all over the neigborhood were fixed upon us. God had brought us to this very house for a reason. As the day wore on, we noticed the neigbors coming out of their gutted homes, taking breaks from their work, or eyes peering out of the windows of the FEMA trailers parked in front yard. As we continued our work, the pile lining the curb grew from small mounds in the ditch to a towering embankment hiding the house from veiw for those standing on the street and a neighbor ventured across the street.

D, who lived in the house across the street with the word "snakes" spray painted on the siding, had been looking at this abandoned rental house for seven months, wondering how or when the eyesore would be removed, praying that God would send someone. And we were that someone. As the week proceeded, we were able to get to know D and his family better as well as being able to get him connected with CORE, which will be sending in more crews to continue the work we began on his house and eventually finish it.

This rental house was our door into a neighboorhood crippled with hopelessness. Throughout the week, I got the sense that we weren't coming to finish the work that needed to be done, but rather we were coming to get something started and then hand off the torch to the community itself and other crews that would be coming in after us. Ed, our team leader from CORE, explained to us on monday that the main problem is the attitude of the neighborhood. There were lots of wooded areas around the homes, belonging to no one inparticular but chock full of debris-- in many cases bigger and more things than in the yards themselved-- and it was likely that no one would be cleaning it up. There was a sense of community pride that was just missing. But as we began cleaning those woods and talking to D and the neighbors, we noticed that we were being joined by members of the community in cleaning woods and yards that were not their own. That was the point at which my heart began to well up inside of me. That was the point where I said, "this is why we were sent."

I mean, the point was not getting things cleaned up and the neighborhood looking sparkling. It was about these people who have lived so close for so many years coming together and facing this tradgedy together. AS I looked at all the piles of dibris and just the magnitude of it all, I just kept thinking, "We cannot do this on our own." We cannot face the piles of debris that pile up in our lives alone. We need the chain gangs passing logs out of the trees, that person on the other side of the fence section holding up what we cannot carry on our own. God's face is shown in the clearest most bright light when our hearts come together, when that "Me too!" is ringing loud and clear.

Something D said has really just been ringing in my ears for the past few days. He simply said that it took a tragedy such as this for him to get to know his neighbors. I just want to know, why does this happen? What is it in us that holds us back from experiencing the community life God intended for us? I think this is really the tragedy and the hurricanes are the miracles that mend it. Just a thought....

So I guess there is the beginning of it all. I'm not sure where else God will be taking me in the coming weeks and months as I continue to wade through what all of this means for the way God lives his life through me, but I look forward to discovering that and sharing it all with you....

Abba God, how can do anything but priase you? How can my posture be anything short of worhsip? Thank you for the placed you carried me in the past week. Thank you that tou loved me enough to show your world to me. Who am I to deserve any of this? I feel inadwquate even to say what I feel ought to be said. but I guess I'll just go with what is most upon my heart, thank you thank you thank you. thank your for this breath, this life. I seldom feel I really understand what it means when I say such a thing, but nevertheless, I will say it. Thank your for this breath. IN your grace, I ask that you would really teach me to be thankful. Abba, I ask in the coming weeks, you would penetrate me with that you are wanting to do in me through what you have set my eyes upon in the past week. Penetrate me. Transform and change me. I long for this growth that is really about things being taken away-- that my growth would look like a lessening of me and an increase of you. Abba, how deeply I love you.

I'm just going to try to follow, one step at a time today.