I am sitting here in my parent's basement writing this post, which seems strange and yet at the same time it feels old and good and sweet and a little tense still. It has been a very good weekend. This is the first weekend that I've really been home pretty much since before I left for Chicago around Christmastime. To be really honest, it feels like a bit of an accomplishment for being able to stay away for so long.. sort of a bench mark of how my life has changed. And it has been such a good weekend to see how my view and my heart and my life has changed since graduating and moving to school.
Last night I went to the Spring production of Alice in Wonderland put on by my high school and it was a really pleasant experience, to say the least. I thought it would feel a lot more akward to just drive into the parking lot and get out and look people in the face that I used to look in the face everyday but be fairly timid to attach myself to. I thought I might be left wordless, embarrassed, ashamed facing some people that I was never really friends with but thought I should have been. But it was not like that really at all. I suppose what I feared most about coming back to my old life would be enduring the empty small-talk that really means nothing and is headed nowhere. But instead, as I approached each person, there was this sort of unspoken communication between our hearts, within our eyes that was very beautiful. I saw some of my class as well as some dear friends who were still going to school there and it was so good for my heart. It wasn't thousands of people flocking to me, but it was one or two people that I really got to talk to, to hug, to embrace with my eyes, that really made me know how stange life can be sometimes.
And this morning I went to church and it was very similar-- it was nice just to see people. And although a little dissappointing, it was also sort of relieving to know that not very many of the people from before were still there. To see the change, to know that just like my life, people's lives are going on and moving along.
More than anything, I have been reminded this weekend about change. I have been impressed in the past few weeks about the fact that all we have is this moment-- in a blink, everything can be gone. In just 6 minutes, your home can be filled with 8 feet of water and then it is suddenly gone, taking life as you knew it with you. I am seeing that people change. People move away. People flow into your life. Dynamics in relationships change in an instant. Living arrangements change. Plans change. And the struggle is, what do you cling to? How do you deal with the incessant reeling that you find yourself in? And what are the things that you cling to and what are the things that you simply must allow to float away with the current?
I feel like this has been a good weekend of healing, of seeing how I have been healed. It has been so encouraging to look back at my high school experience and reflect on how good it would have been if I had had the courage to look more people in the eye. If I had simply called more people by name-- had the attentiveness to really learn their name and learn their story. But at the same time it was beautiful to leave that in the past and know that I have so far to go still in the future. To have the clarity of mind to see where I have come from and where I want to go.
In the past few months, I've been thinking a lot about seeing the purpose in each place I travel. Each place I am carried whether it be Chicago or Mississippi or to school or home or wherever else-- each place, each moment, each embrace is loaded with meaning if I choose to seek out that meaning. And so I've been focused on simply being focused on the moment at hand--- milking the meaning and the experience out of each moment. Taking deep breaths so I can see it all as it is in this moment.....
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