Lately, God has really been speaking to me about being honest and real about the stuff in my life, and it is the most freeing thing about being God's kid. So, here's a little honesty.
A few weeks ago, i blogged about my future and how I God seems to be leading toward CSU. I still think that is definately true, but I am struggling now with the desire. I mean, I want to be wherever God is leading, but I just wish it were somewhere other than CSU. I just don't want to go there. And you know what? that sucks. I feel like i'm settling for the mediocre, even though I thought I could never allow myself to do that. but it seems like all other doors are shut and i'm stuck. Its beyond my own power to really make things work in my life. And i'm not making excuses about not working hard enough, even my best work ethic or how smart i get, I still don't have the power to control the universe or understand the big picture that God sees.
aNd right now i don't like the direction God is going with this story. I don't. ITs great how we aren't called to understand or even agree, but we are called to trust and obey. I mean, I have no idea what God is going to do in the next year. I might be totally off base with how I feel abotu where he is leading, but its just frustrating that I don't have the desire to go with the appearant leading. Its frustrating not to be able to be excited becuase I can't visualize the good. I'm not excited. wrong or right, thats where I am. So I wait.
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"If we are going to keep on growing, we must keep on risking failure throughout our lives." -B. Manning
About Me
"Christianity is about water... Most of what we do in worldly life is geared toward our staying dry, looking good, not going under. But in Baptism, in lakes and rain and tanks and fonts, you agree to do something that's a little sloppy because at the same time it's also holy and deserved. It's about surrender, giving in to all those thing we can't control: it's a willingness to let go of balance and decorum and get drenched." -- Ann Lamott
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"If I ever feel I am getting to the point where I'm playing it safe, I'll stop. That's all I can tell you about how I plan for the future."
--Miles Davis
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"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves... Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually , without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."
- Rainer Maria Rilke
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"God is subtle, but not malicious. Nature conceals her mystery by means of her essential grandeur, not by her cunning." -- Einstein
2 comments:
I know how hard it is when your desires are conflicted with what God wants you to do. God was really leading me to this small, Christian college in the Midwest and despite wanting to go to a bigger party school, I went. And it was rather awesome. I made great friends and had an awesome time. Then I fought back and moved out here to Greeley. Not exactly the 'smartest' decision I've ever made, but I made it on my own. And I've lived to regret it slightly. I'm okay out here, but *Shrugs* Let's just say I would be a lot happier today if I had stayed on the path God had chosen for me instead of creating my own in defiance. On the plus side, I've learned a hard lesson that you don't have to! Besides, CSU isn't that bad :) Fort Collins is a nice town and there are a ton of Christians out there as well. It's just a matter of finding a niche to make your own. Who knows what God has in store for you there? Who knows how many lives you'll touch and share God's love with? I humbly admit I know nothing, just an opinion :)
Joi-
Thanks so much for your encouragement. your opinion is more than just and opionion-- its an experience that God gave you to share with me. I seriously just needed to know there was someone out there hearing my quiet cries and you answered the call.
Thanks.
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