So this week I have officially become one of the myspace crowd. I could comment on the saddness of my potential new addiciton, but I think I'll just let it go mostly because its fun and I like being able to at least look at pictures of my high school friends, even if i don't really have time to talk much with them.

Ahhh life. And so the much awaited, and yet strangely anti-climatic Thanksgiving break has ended. Its been a good week. Its been quite a week of reflection, of remembering, of reaction, of contemplation of where my life is, where it is going, and so on. I feel like my last few posts have been fairly criptic and also a little on the dark side. So i think this post will do well to just reflect back on some of the lessons that have surfaced this week.

Compassion. I have had the chance to do some reading this week and I've been able to continue on my slow re-reading of B. Manning's "Ragamuffin Gospel." Last nigth I read the chapter entitled "Freedom from Fear," and one of the key points that really hit me pretty hard was the importance Manning was placing on the need to have compassion for ourselves before we even attempt to have compassion for others. Compassion for myself. Letting myself off the hook. There is a Nooma about forgiveness in which Bell makes a ponient observation: forgiveness is letting ourselves off the hook. Maybe that's not exactly the same thing, but I think way too often the things that enable us to operate the best with other people begin first with ourselves, and yet we too often busy ourselves with "self-denial," forgetting all about ourselves in order to go through the motions in order to treat people the way we should, when in reality, none of it comes from the heart.

Relaxing. I think I had forgotten just how tense things often are around home. I'd forgotten about the anger and the pain that makes you feel as though you should tiptoe around life, be quiet, stay away from the trouble. And this week reminded me all over again. But I have been doing a lot of thinking this semester about having a soft heart-- a heart open and brave, a heart that truts in the capable and loving arms of Abba, a soft heart that is able to face the angry voices in order to see something a little deeper. A soft heart that is willing to feel the love that is deeper than the pain. Definately a destination long in coming, but I am happy to know that I am at least close enough to see it.

Its been a good week to be able to spend with my dad. I don't talk about my dad a great deal here, but thats something joyful about this week. I've been able to catch a glimpse of the beauty in him, even though he wants so badly to hide it. Dads. This semester I have found myself able to observe dads, wonder a bit what it would be like to have one who could really show how much he cares. Hhhmmm..

I've been thinking a lot about just trusting, letting go, coming out of hiding. Hard stuff, but refreshing just to think about. Thinking about a God, a Father, who cares about me. A few days before break, I was talking to God about all the things that are uncertain in my future-- the coming week, next semester, next summer, next year, and somethign just came to mind, this idea: God wants me to trust Him with my life. a bit of a obvious and yet hard-to-grasp idea. Trusting God with my life.

I'm not sure I'm really expressing what is running through my heart right now. It just seems to me, the rich, deep kind of life I want to live comes from being totally honest with God and still always trusting his gentle arms to catch me when I fall. I feel so exhausted from trying to predict the future, trying to make myself into somethingI think I need to be. And yet all I am really left to do is beg for mercy. Mercy.

As I was thinking tonight, it occured to me that I am spending a lot of my time doing things that I'm not sure I really want to do. And maybe I just need to do a little less all the way around, but I keep finding myself wanting to do more with music, join a group that really makes my heart sing-- but am not sure where to find that outlet. There is a Jazz group called "Cream of the Krop" made up of old retired men that plays around here. Its the cutest, although really professional, group of guys. My dad plays the trombone and someday would like to play with them, so we always go to watch them perform, especially around Christmastime. Watching them just always makes me want to be in a group like that. This doesn't have much spiritual depth or intelectual granduer, but my point is that this is something that I just really want to do-- this dream I have of actually doing something more with my music that just sitting around in the living room and playing for my mom. Where does this fit with my life? Can I trust God to take this an make it a reality in my life, or is it one of those dreams I should settle for letting go of?

These are the things that I want to be able to learn to just really trust God for. To trust him to keep him promises, to trust him to bring us the desires of our hearts. Strange. Earlier this week I had the great priveledge of spending some time with my aunt baking pies, and as we were talking about things that we wanted to do, she just mentioned how there have been so many things in her life in the past few years that God has just enabled her to do. What an encouraging thing. Could it be that God really wants for us to be able to do the things that he has put a passion in our hearts to do?

Allowing some compassion for myself.

So its been a bit of a week. For the most part, it has been little what I expected, but what is new about that. It seems the only thing that can lighten a heavy heart is to let go of it completely.