I am feeling a little exposed tonight. A bit regretful. A bit shakey and afraid. I am finding that this time of life easily lends itself to uncertainty. That nothing quite feels like home anymore. Like there is some sort of permanence that is just missing.. And so I'm missing it tonight. I'm afraid I've made a choice that has caused me to miss out on something. Miss out on something I feel I was very much a part of in the past and now do not know where to belong in it. Something that I have just moved a little too far away from. And so I just feel a little like I am bearing open wounds. Red. Raw. Open wounds I know not quite how to heal.. I just know how to hold them back just enough to not feel all of the pain. Only a little pain. The real pain and frustration and lostness masked over with sheer masking tape of some sort. I can see the raw red pain but dare not delve deep to feel it...
Tonight I feel like something in me is healing. Like something is turning around, off of a road of pain and bitterness and confusion and onto a road of more clarity and truth. I see my view of the church changing, blossoming, flowering out of the pain from the past. I find myself being more trusting, less of a skeptic. Less afraid. Less held back. More willing. More needing. More loving. Maybe I am finding in my hand the gift of a more supple heart. Maybe....
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"If we are going to keep on growing, we must keep on risking failure throughout our lives." -B. Manning
About Me
"Christianity is about water... Most of what we do in worldly life is geared toward our staying dry, looking good, not going under. But in Baptism, in lakes and rain and tanks and fonts, you agree to do something that's a little sloppy because at the same time it's also holy and deserved. It's about surrender, giving in to all those thing we can't control: it's a willingness to let go of balance and decorum and get drenched." -- Ann Lamott
Followers
"If I ever feel I am getting to the point where I'm playing it safe, I'll stop. That's all I can tell you about how I plan for the future."
--Miles Davis
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves... Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually , without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."
- Rainer Maria Rilke
jumpers
"God is subtle, but not malicious. Nature conceals her mystery by means of her essential grandeur, not by her cunning." -- Einstein
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