Once again, I find myself searching for something, thirsting for the right thing, trying to find some sort of validation in my spiritual life when I am discontent with the way things are going and I turn to our old friend Oswald Chambers in "My Utmost for his Highest" and he nails me again. Listen to this:
The Never-forsaking God
"He himself has said, ' I will never leave you nor forsake you.' " -Hebrews 13:5
What line of thinking fo my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then responds after I have heard what he says? "For He Himself has said, ' I will never elave you nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?' " (13:5-6)
"I will never leave you..."-- not for any reason; not my sin, selfishness, stubbornness, nor waywardness. Have I really let God say to me that He will never leave me? If I have not truly heard this assurance of God, let me listen again.
" I will never... forsake you." Sometimes it is not the difficulty of life but the drudgery of it that makes me think God will forsake me. WHat there is no major difficult to overcome, no vision from God, nothing wonderful or beautiful-- just the everday activities of life-- do I hear God's assurance even in these?
We have the idea that God is going to do somethin exceptional thing-- that he is preparing and equipping us for some extra-ordinary work in the future. But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment. If we have God's assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life.
I'm thinking that I might just have Oswald just write my posts from now on. He seems to know just what is going on in my heart as well as the response of wisdom. But really, I think one of the hardest things for me to go through are those times in life where I feel like nothing is going on, nothing is changing, and God doesn't seem like he's doing anything spectacular, and he doesn't seem to have much to say either. I don't want my life to be ordinary. If I'm really honest, I don't want my spiritual work to go unnoticed. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing something, like I'm doing something with my life, with my time. I mean, aren't these things important? Aren't we called to be good stewards of what we are given? How is it that we are supposed to be careful to obey without getting caught up in our performance.
I've been thinking a lot lately about focusing on God and where he is leading and paying less attention to noticeable results of my efforts. This idea that the quantative, measurable, calculated fruits of my labors aren't supposed to be the focus. Maybe its still that old lie sneaking back, telling me that I have to perform, that grace isn't really great enough to cover my mistakes, to cover over that gray area of not really knowing if I am measuring up or not. I want to be able to look at my life and to be able to say "Yes, God is working in me, stuff is happening. My life isn't as much of a waste as I thought." But I can hear God saying, You just give me your life and I'll worry about whether or not it is a waste. This is the only guarantee that your life will not be lost.
I've had this thought that I need to keep my eyes upon the state of my heart rather than my expectations. Do I truly have the desire to love my cooworkers becuase they need to know how much worth God built into them, or do I just try to have this outward appearance of love becuase I want to be seen and known as a loving person? Am I making time to work in the community around me becuase I want to be a part of the lives that God has placed around me to let them know how beautiful they are and because I want to see a glimpse of his image in them or do I just do it for my resume? Do I spend time with people out of compulsion, becuase I feel like it is something I ought to do or really becuase I want to be part of their lives? Where is my heart? Is my heart leading my hands or am I just wandering aimlessly becuase someone sometime told me that these were the motions I was supposed to have to look like the right kind of person?
Have you ever gone on a walk with another person and you both were just walking side-by-side in silence becuase this was the posture that you just felt like was right for the moment? Or have you ever been on a walk and you were walking along and you really just wanted to emjoy the sunset or what was around you in silence and the person just keeps on talking and fidgeting? I wonder if sometimes God just wants to walk along side us in silence becuase that is what is right for the moment and we get impatient-- or maybe it is that we get scared that his silence means he might forsake us-- and we become discontent with the quiet. We miss what he is trying to do or say in not saying or doing anything at all.
In five and a half weeks, I'll be heading off to serve at the TEAM conference and I am going in the expectation that I will see God work in amazing ways there. And I am beginning to wonder if God just wants me in these next few weeks to find him in the silence. To be quiet in expectation of all that he has to say in that time. I have heard many times that oftentimes we find God silent becuase he is preparing to do something very big after the period of quiet ends. And in this moment, that gives me this deep sense of peace and rightness-- it calms the restlessness I've had in my soul for a few weeks now. What a beautiful thing. What a beautiful peace. A breath or air into my worried soul.
Abba God, thank you for your word into my soul. Thank you for contentment in this place that I have been stuggling in. Wrestling you while you were wanting to simply calm me. Abba, I ask that you would teach me simplicity in my life with you. That you would free me from the desire to have something to measure our relationship by, that you would keep reminding me that I am held in your grace and that even in the everydays, you will not leave me nor forsake me. Abba, thank you for the security you hold in that. Abba God, I ask that you would prepare me for TEAM in these next few weeks. That you would remove my focus from me and what I am accomplishing and that you would just take my life and purge me of all that distracts from you. I feel like in my hurry to find you, to hear you, to see you, I've lost you in my worries and fears. So Abba, I ask that you would wipe the slate of heart clean so that I can see you afresh, that I could truly hear what you are needing to say to me in order to truly use me. Less of me, more of you. Now is the appointed time when you move into the center while I slip off to the sidelines.
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