"The necessary support for giving and forgiving is abundantly supplied by Jesus through the reality of the kingdom of God that he brings into our lives. He makes this available to us in response to our confidence in Him.

"Only with this in support can we live in Jesus' teaching, 'Give and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together running over, they will pour into your lap' (Luke 6:38). For there will be periods of time when, from the human point of view, our lap is empty: when we experience cross and tomb, but resurrection in not yet. We must then know with assurance the reality in Paul's words that 'God loves a cheerful giver' and that he 'is able to make all grace abound to you, that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed' (2 Corinthians 9:7-8).

"Jesus' resurrected presence with us, along with his teaching, assures us of God's care for all who let him be God and let him care for them. "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom' (Luke 12:32). It is love of God, admiration and confidence in his greatness and goodness, and the regular experience of his care that feww us form the burden of 'looking out for ourselves.'

What remarkable changes this introduces into our day-to-day life! Personally, at the beginning of my day-- often before arising-- I commit my day to the Lord's care. Usually I do this while meditatively praying through the Lord's Prayer, and possibly the twnty-thrid Psalm as well. Then I meet everything that happens as sent or at least permitted by God. I meet it resting in the hand of his care. This helps me to 'do all things without grumbling or disputing' (Philippians 2:14), because I have already 'placed God in charge,' and am trusting him to manage them for my good. I no longer have to manage the weather, airplnes, and other people."

-- Dallas Willard, "Rennovation of the Heart," p70

He is teaching me that everything is a gift, that I am not my own, that I have no claim to my life, to my own heart, no claim to anything that I thought was mine to win the love of others, no claim to all that which I thought made up all of myself. It is not mine.

He said, as I walked under the trees, "You want your own way," and I suddenly felt my impossible childishness, my shortsided selfishness. The word that divides bone and marrow cut deep and true.

He is gently, day by day, teaching me to accept all of the things I don't get to name, label, or explain. I've been writing less, seeking fewer pat answers because I am beginning to see the danger in these things. I accidently used the word, "mastery," and saw the blackness of my selfish, prideful heart. I've been seeking Arrival, decieved by idolatry and now the gears are grinding to a halt as I turn around-- repentance.

Two profound things were told me by two wise women this weekend. First, across the table at Starbucks, as I looked out at the Albertson's where I once pushed carts in a different life, she reminded me of this: Our recurring weak spots are the places that the Lord continues to return us to because these are the things he has chosen to use to draw us to himself. It is about our learning His love, not about our finishedness. Second, I was leaning against the side of the pew while she stood across, people passing in front and beside and behind and she confessed this in humility: I want Him to heal my heart only so I can continue living my life without him. And, while simultaneously saying thank you for the wisdom of those before me, I realise I am guilty of missing the point on both accounts.

So I am learning to live a life free from the pretense of answer-holding. I never had them in the first place. I'm just learning to accept it, to just walk off the cliff of my ever-so-small self and know that He will swoop in and rescue me without fail because this is really what it is about in the long run-- His glory, his reputation, his love and my walk into the reality that I, indeed, hold no claim to myself.