"What we must learn in his yoke, beyond acting with him, is to abandon outcomes to God, accepting what we do not have in ourselves-- in our own 'heart, soul, and mind, and strength'-- the wherewithal to make this come out right, whatever 'this' is. Even if we 'suffer according to the will of God', we simply 'entrust our souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right' (1 Peter 4:19). Now this is a major part of that meekness and lowliness of heart that we also learn his yoke. And what rest comes with it!

Humility is the framework within which all virtue lies. Angela of Folingno observed, 'Our Lord did not say: Learn of me to despise the world and live in poverty... but only this: Learn of me for I am gentle and lowly of heart.' And 'one of the signs by which a man may know he is in a state of grace is this-- that he is never puffed up.' Accordingly, we are to 'clothe [ourselves] with humility,' Peter said (peter 5:5), which certainly means loss of self sufficiency.

'God gives grace to the humble,' he continues. 'Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all of your anxiety upon Him, because he cares for you (v 5-7). Humility is a great secret of rest of soul because it does not presume or secure outcomes.

Here is a simply fact: We live in a world where, by God's appointment, 'the race is not to the swift, and the battle is not to the warriors, and neither is bread to the wise, nor wealth to the discerning, nor favor to men of ability, for time and chance overtake them all' (Ecclesiastes 9:11).

The Lord 'does not delight in the strength of the horse; He does not take pleasure in the legs of man' (Ps 147:10). He has a plan for your life that goes far beyond anything we can work out and secure by means of strong horses and good legs.

We simply have to rest in his life as he gives it to us. Knowledge, from Christ, that He is good and great enables us to cast outcomes on him. We find this knowledge in the yoke of Christ.

Resting in God, we can be free from all anxiety, which means deep soul rest. Whatever our circumstance, taught by Christ we are enabled to 'rest [be still] and wait patiently [or longingly] for him' (ps 37:7). We don't fret or get angry because others seem to be doing better than we are, even though they are less deserving than we."

-- Dallas Willard, "Renovation of the Heart," pp 209-210

Desire

"Still, being is desiring: our bodies, our minds, our hearts and our souls are full of desires.  Some are unruly, turbulent, and very distracting; some make us think deep thoughts and see great visions; some teach us how to love; and some keep us searching for God."

-- Henri Nouwen, "The Only Necessary Thing," (Ed.  Wendy Wilson) p. 28

This week as I've been digesting the first chapter of this edited edition of various Nouwen writings, the focus has been on desire.  The thoughts about desire are ones that I have found quite appropriate this week as I've continued my quest towards some resolution of questions regarding where I am headed this school year and questions posed by others about what I really want-- and how those desires are manifesting themselves in how my life and work really play out. After reading the passage quoted above, I became aware of the weight of desire and had to wonder what my own desires are and if they hold the significance that Nouwen places on them.  Do my desires make me think deep thoughts?  Do I see great visions as a result of my desires?  Do my desires teach me to love?  Do the things that I want in life keep me searching for God?  Or do they do something else entirely. 

As I sat down to consider these ideas, I came upon the realization that perhaps I don't even know what my desires are at all?  How long has it been since I asked myself the question: What do I desire?  And is the question about what I want out of my life now?  What do I desire for the future, for today, for who I become?  Can our desires drive us the way Nouwen suggests that they do if we are unaware of what they are?

In my reflection, I came up with a few ideas about what my desires are and I came up with some more questions to lead me into personal research.  I discovered I truly desire to love people, and more specifically, I desire to love kids, to let them know that they are important and lovely and wonderful and alive, especially when other people have told them otherwise.  I desire to be a person that tells other people about the greatness that has been built into them by the father, to help them believe in the beauty that is inherent in their creation.  I discovered that I desire to be a person of joy and a person of strength and a person of peace.  I desire to be a person who knows how to love herself and I desire to be a person of beauty, a person that others love.  

In addition to these great, overarching desires, I also discovered some desires that I hope I desire.  As I stand neck-deep in my studies, I had to ask myself two very big questions:  1) Do I desire to be the best teacher I can be and 2) do I truly desire to grow as an artist.  These feel like questions that are constantly bombarding me, but not until I sat down in my old blue reflecting chair did I really ask my heart those questions outloud.  And following those questions came a "self-check" as they say in third-grade math:  does my life reflect those desires?  I think when we begin to assess these sorts of desires and gauge our commitment to them, that is when these deep thoughts begin.

Often, in conversation with people about where they are headed in life and what they choose to pursue inschool and life, the piece of advice that I find myself most compelled to pass on is the charge to discover first and foremost what they love-- do what you love and all else will follow. But now, I find myself asking, Do I love what I am doing?  

I realized sitting there a few nights ago, that if I truly desire to grow and I truly desire to be a person committed to my own desires, then I need to identify what it is that my life should look like to reflect this.  Am I living the life of a person striving to grow as an artist?  Am I living a life that dictates good teaching and love for children?  Taking assessment of my life leads me to a greater understanding that the failure to stop and take hold of my own desires has kept me from living a life that is truly meaningful and committed to anything.  It is so easy in school to get caught up in the flow of just getting through things and finishing the bare minimum for other people and forget that it all has to be about my own growth and my own learning-- learning is about as assessment of what I want and where I want to go.  What sort of person has God placed a desire in me to be?

So in a very personal way, I find myself asking a lot of questions about myself as an artist specifically.  Since school started, I've been asked to consider the level of engagement and commitment I have toward my own artistic growth.  Am I bored or is there something else going on here?  Do I desire to paint?  After reading Nouwen's thoughts, I need to figure out if I do have a desire to paint, if and how that fits into my desire for God.  Is this gift of creativity that I've been given one that I can and want to use in my pursuit of a life found in the Father?  How does my action of applying a brush to canvas bring joy and glory to the Father?  Does it bless others?  Does it help me love people better when I am committed to pushing myself creatively?  how?

As this part of my artistic and academic career focuses primarily on my independence as an artist, I've been thinking about my subject matter focusing on this idea that the father's face and breath become evident through what he has made.  Is this true also of me?  One of my art education instructor says often, "What we make flows directly out of who we are," an idea that I adore.  So is my painting a way of praising?  Is it a meaningful pursuit of the Father and what he has for me, or is there something better or different?  IS this a way I desire to live a life of worship?  

I don't know the answer to many of these questions, but I do know that I do desire to grow as an artist, even if it is simply because this is the place that I am now as a student, enrolled in a class.  I realize that if these are truly my desires, then I may be required to make certain sacrifices, I may need to rearrange some of my priorities, or maybe even more so, rearrange some of my attitudes and habits.  

What are your desires?  Are these desires that teach you to love more?  Are they desires that lead you deeper into the arms of the father?  Do you even know what your deepest desires are or are you living for the desires of some other unknown force?  My prayer that you would take time to discover these things for yourself as I wrestle through the desires of my own.

"Our desire for God is the desire that should guide all other desire.  Otherwise, our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls become one another's enemies and our inner lives become chaotic, leading us to despair and self-destruction."