some new and exciting

I know I don't usually post a lot of art things here, but there a few exciting things I can't keep to myself and the other blog... well... not my favorite place right now. So, I'm just going to post it here.

First of all-- after thinking about it for months and months, I finally got a white board to put up in my studio space so I can actually write my thoughts down as well as put up some images that keep me thinking in fresh ways. It is exciting to see my little home becoming more and more mine as I figure out what I want and how to make it work. So here is a little snap-aroo of the space with the new little inspiration board:















THEN-- you have probably noticed this fabulous painting there. this is something I am especially excited about. I don't think it is quite finished, but I think it is so beautiful that I need to share it anyway. For the last three years or so, I've been extremely fascinated and awe-struck b the beautiful colors and stillness of winter, but haven't quite gotten to the place in my work where I feel I can do it justice.... until now! I hope this will be the first of a series of winter celebrations. Stay tuned for that. Here is a little image close up so for a little more of a drool-fest for you.














I have also been working on a few other new-ish things that have come out of a lot of my journey down into the depths. I've been thinking about the relationship between the inner and the outer landscape and think I might try to do a bit more "inner landscapes" in conjunction with the more "outer" ones. We'll see how I end up feeling....











Last but surely not least, I have been thinking of starting something of a new project. Today, as I went through some old things while setting up the new addition to my studio, I came across an old pile of self-portraits. Back in the Spring of 2008 when I took figure painting, we were required to complete one self-portrait every day for the entire semester. Needless to say, I dropped off with that sometime around spring break, but I often think about that assignment and want to take it up again. After looking through all fourty-some that I do have, I could definitely see the growth that was taking place over the course of the semester and was wishing that I had stuck with it. So I've decided to try it again, in part out of curiosity to see how much I've grown as an artist since then. Something else that I found remarkable was the realization that this was the semester that I started wearing glasses, and it seems a bit telling that in only one or two of the paintings and drawings I am actually wearing them. This might also be why I quit doing it... haha... ANYWAY-- here is the first installment of this project. I don't think I am going to try to do it everyday, but maybe once a week or something. We will also see how I feel about that...

Desire

"Still, being is desiring: our bodies, our minds, our hearts and our souls are full of desires.  Some are unruly, turbulent, and very distracting; some make us think deep thoughts and see great visions; some teach us how to love; and some keep us searching for God."

-- Henri Nouwen, "The Only Necessary Thing," (Ed.  Wendy Wilson) p. 28

This week as I've been digesting the first chapter of this edited edition of various Nouwen writings, the focus has been on desire.  The thoughts about desire are ones that I have found quite appropriate this week as I've continued my quest towards some resolution of questions regarding where I am headed this school year and questions posed by others about what I really want-- and how those desires are manifesting themselves in how my life and work really play out. After reading the passage quoted above, I became aware of the weight of desire and had to wonder what my own desires are and if they hold the significance that Nouwen places on them.  Do my desires make me think deep thoughts?  Do I see great visions as a result of my desires?  Do my desires teach me to love?  Do the things that I want in life keep me searching for God?  Or do they do something else entirely. 

As I sat down to consider these ideas, I came upon the realization that perhaps I don't even know what my desires are at all?  How long has it been since I asked myself the question: What do I desire?  And is the question about what I want out of my life now?  What do I desire for the future, for today, for who I become?  Can our desires drive us the way Nouwen suggests that they do if we are unaware of what they are?

In my reflection, I came up with a few ideas about what my desires are and I came up with some more questions to lead me into personal research.  I discovered I truly desire to love people, and more specifically, I desire to love kids, to let them know that they are important and lovely and wonderful and alive, especially when other people have told them otherwise.  I desire to be a person that tells other people about the greatness that has been built into them by the father, to help them believe in the beauty that is inherent in their creation.  I discovered that I desire to be a person of joy and a person of strength and a person of peace.  I desire to be a person who knows how to love herself and I desire to be a person of beauty, a person that others love.  

In addition to these great, overarching desires, I also discovered some desires that I hope I desire.  As I stand neck-deep in my studies, I had to ask myself two very big questions:  1) Do I desire to be the best teacher I can be and 2) do I truly desire to grow as an artist.  These feel like questions that are constantly bombarding me, but not until I sat down in my old blue reflecting chair did I really ask my heart those questions outloud.  And following those questions came a "self-check" as they say in third-grade math:  does my life reflect those desires?  I think when we begin to assess these sorts of desires and gauge our commitment to them, that is when these deep thoughts begin.

Often, in conversation with people about where they are headed in life and what they choose to pursue inschool and life, the piece of advice that I find myself most compelled to pass on is the charge to discover first and foremost what they love-- do what you love and all else will follow. But now, I find myself asking, Do I love what I am doing?  

I realized sitting there a few nights ago, that if I truly desire to grow and I truly desire to be a person committed to my own desires, then I need to identify what it is that my life should look like to reflect this.  Am I living the life of a person striving to grow as an artist?  Am I living a life that dictates good teaching and love for children?  Taking assessment of my life leads me to a greater understanding that the failure to stop and take hold of my own desires has kept me from living a life that is truly meaningful and committed to anything.  It is so easy in school to get caught up in the flow of just getting through things and finishing the bare minimum for other people and forget that it all has to be about my own growth and my own learning-- learning is about as assessment of what I want and where I want to go.  What sort of person has God placed a desire in me to be?

So in a very personal way, I find myself asking a lot of questions about myself as an artist specifically.  Since school started, I've been asked to consider the level of engagement and commitment I have toward my own artistic growth.  Am I bored or is there something else going on here?  Do I desire to paint?  After reading Nouwen's thoughts, I need to figure out if I do have a desire to paint, if and how that fits into my desire for God.  Is this gift of creativity that I've been given one that I can and want to use in my pursuit of a life found in the Father?  How does my action of applying a brush to canvas bring joy and glory to the Father?  Does it bless others?  Does it help me love people better when I am committed to pushing myself creatively?  how?

As this part of my artistic and academic career focuses primarily on my independence as an artist, I've been thinking about my subject matter focusing on this idea that the father's face and breath become evident through what he has made.  Is this true also of me?  One of my art education instructor says often, "What we make flows directly out of who we are," an idea that I adore.  So is my painting a way of praising?  Is it a meaningful pursuit of the Father and what he has for me, or is there something better or different?  IS this a way I desire to live a life of worship?  

I don't know the answer to many of these questions, but I do know that I do desire to grow as an artist, even if it is simply because this is the place that I am now as a student, enrolled in a class.  I realize that if these are truly my desires, then I may be required to make certain sacrifices, I may need to rearrange some of my priorities, or maybe even more so, rearrange some of my attitudes and habits.  

What are your desires?  Are these desires that teach you to love more?  Are they desires that lead you deeper into the arms of the father?  Do you even know what your deepest desires are or are you living for the desires of some other unknown force?  My prayer that you would take time to discover these things for yourself as I wrestle through the desires of my own.

"Our desire for God is the desire that should guide all other desire.  Otherwise, our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls become one another's enemies and our inner lives become chaotic, leading us to despair and self-destruction."