so... like I said, I'm back in Colorado. I am not even sure where to begin, but there really is quite a bit going on and I feel it would be appropriate to write it here. hm.
Today I did a lot of walking, enjoying the Colorado sunshine (there really is something magic about it) and the moutain views and remembering all the different kinds of trees and plants there are here. I really am beginning to question if there is any place on earth that is so beautiful and am reveling in the feeling of being home, where faces feel familiar, the culture softly drinks me back in and everything makes sense again.
Moving has been stressful. Readjusting has been hard and a sore throat makes eveything that much harder. I find myself longing for the surrounding of friends that I have gotten used to and wondering if I will have the courage and strength to seek that out here. I have learned to be a little less responsible, fear a little less in order to just let myself go-- stay up late and ride bikes around the parking lot in the dark of the cool of the night, even with my nose stuffed up.
I can't help but wonder what things will be like in a week, when all the students really come back, when this town is crawling with the young people that used to terrify me so much. I wonder how truly antisocial I was before. I don't want to think too long about that.
I am seeing how the influence of certain people has driven me into these holes, these ways of living that do nothing but reinforce fear. And am seeing that I want to be far, far from that. I don't want to be a part of system that encourages fear of actual living, that threatens harm if I choose to take a few risks. I am afraid of getting sucked back in, now that I see the difference.
I said quite some time ago that in my time in Boise, I hoped to gain the skills to make new friends. I feel like by some miracle, I actually did that there, but this also feels like the true test of things. Am I really capable of finding good, strong friends here. Will I take the risk to pursue intimacy with those that I have been so conditioned to fear. I do now know.
I have a lot of questions at the moment. All is fuzzy and I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried or afraid. But deep in the back of the closet, I know that it will all work itself out in time. Now all I have to do is get over this cold...
Saturday, August 11
Aaaaaaand.... I'm back!
Just thought I'd let you all know that I did indeed make it back to the Fort with most everything intact (although I am still looking for a few things). I am enjoying being back in the beautiful Colorado sunshine, enjoying all the trees and the mountains and remembering a lot that I had never taken the time to see before. I am almost all moved in to the new apartment, which is quite nice-- very sunny and there are so many people around! I'm looking forward to classes starting and am still hoping for a wonderful new job. I have contracted some sort of cold either introduced by some sickly family members or an alergic reaction to new carpet and unfamiliar plants..
anyway, that's the word for now. more later once things get a bit more settled.
anyway, that's the word for now. more later once things get a bit more settled.
Tuesday, August 7
for the Lord is good
His mercy is everlasting
and his faithfulness endures...
Last night, as the sun was setting, I sat down at The House of the Flying M on 5th and Idaho, pulled out my markers and began to pour. People were looking at me a little strange with my drawing tools spread out like crayons, my book open, my legs up on the seat.
This morning I woke up surrounded by the white that comes inevitably with the strange surrounding of boxes and packed bags. I watched someone else drive away with my desk yesterday-- the white one with the wood top. Took the little rolling printer file that my dad and I built together too. Something in me was tempted to hurt. But I couldn't help remember the prospect of new.
This is not going to be easy. I wrote it down, put a square around it. It's not going to be simple and it is not going to be perfect. I keep imagining all of these first meetings again. What will we say, what will we do after it has been so long. Breaking back in, being in the same place with those same people-- after so much change-- it is not going to be easy. And I don't have to master it.
It took me quite some time to master that and I'm sure that reality is still running around, wild, waving its arms at me from across the field. But at least I caught a glimpse of it. I know it's out there. This is not going to be easy and there might be some parts that are not going to be fun, but the relief is that I don't have to act like it is either of those two things. For a long time, my posture has been that if I could just pull it together enough, say the right thing, do enough to my own spiritual state that I wold have the superpower of reading minds and then also interpreting, then there would not be so much hurt. So I try so hard-- I clench my fist and squeeze shut my eyes, preparing to do battle. But I've changed my mind-- I think it requires something much harder.
The proper posture is one of humility. Get down on your knees and simply say out loud (so I can hear it too) this is not easy for me. To say out loud I will probably say the wrong thing and hurt us both because I don't know what the right thing to say is.
I've really been challenged on matters of vulnerability, intimacy and I've come to a small realization: both of those things cannot be reached without humility. That rawness, that fierce reality of what's inside will never be exposed from a hard heart-- only one softened and bowed.
And so-- I think-- after months of saying to the Father, "What part of me have I not given you," he is saying this. I want you to give me your hard-hearted pride that keeps you from receiving with open arms. The thing I want you to lay at my feet is that moment when they walk through the door and you don't know what to expect (so you expect hurt and disappointment). Take that moment, bow down and put it here at my feet. This is not going to be easy, child.
This thing I am walking into is not a test of skill and it is not an opportunity to prove how good I've gotten, no chance to prove how well I've learned to handle things on my own. No. This thing I have chosen, this step I am taking is a choice to walk headlong into skinned knees and failure. Lots of opportunities to be close to the ground. Bowed.
This is not going to be easy.
His mercy is everlasting
and his faithfulness endures...
Last night, as the sun was setting, I sat down at The House of the Flying M on 5th and Idaho, pulled out my markers and began to pour. People were looking at me a little strange with my drawing tools spread out like crayons, my book open, my legs up on the seat.
This morning I woke up surrounded by the white that comes inevitably with the strange surrounding of boxes and packed bags. I watched someone else drive away with my desk yesterday-- the white one with the wood top. Took the little rolling printer file that my dad and I built together too. Something in me was tempted to hurt. But I couldn't help remember the prospect of new.
This is not going to be easy. I wrote it down, put a square around it. It's not going to be simple and it is not going to be perfect. I keep imagining all of these first meetings again. What will we say, what will we do after it has been so long. Breaking back in, being in the same place with those same people-- after so much change-- it is not going to be easy. And I don't have to master it.
It took me quite some time to master that and I'm sure that reality is still running around, wild, waving its arms at me from across the field. But at least I caught a glimpse of it. I know it's out there. This is not going to be easy and there might be some parts that are not going to be fun, but the relief is that I don't have to act like it is either of those two things. For a long time, my posture has been that if I could just pull it together enough, say the right thing, do enough to my own spiritual state that I wold have the superpower of reading minds and then also interpreting, then there would not be so much hurt. So I try so hard-- I clench my fist and squeeze shut my eyes, preparing to do battle. But I've changed my mind-- I think it requires something much harder.
The proper posture is one of humility. Get down on your knees and simply say out loud (so I can hear it too) this is not easy for me. To say out loud I will probably say the wrong thing and hurt us both because I don't know what the right thing to say is.
I've really been challenged on matters of vulnerability, intimacy and I've come to a small realization: both of those things cannot be reached without humility. That rawness, that fierce reality of what's inside will never be exposed from a hard heart-- only one softened and bowed.
And so-- I think-- after months of saying to the Father, "What part of me have I not given you," he is saying this. I want you to give me your hard-hearted pride that keeps you from receiving with open arms. The thing I want you to lay at my feet is that moment when they walk through the door and you don't know what to expect (so you expect hurt and disappointment). Take that moment, bow down and put it here at my feet. This is not going to be easy, child.
This thing I am walking into is not a test of skill and it is not an opportunity to prove how good I've gotten, no chance to prove how well I've learned to handle things on my own. No. This thing I have chosen, this step I am taking is a choice to walk headlong into skinned knees and failure. Lots of opportunities to be close to the ground. Bowed.
This is not going to be easy.
Sunday, August 5
I'm afraid I'll forget
How to keep growing
That this tiredness will last forever
And I've burned a bridge
I'm afraid I'll be left
Alone and lost
Back from the wilderness
Into a desert even greater
Chosen something I didn't actually want
I feel alone in this racing spiral
Things are happening
And I wonder who chose it
If I just held on to the continuum
Without a stop
Without a word
I feel like everyone is silent
And it is all left up to me
No one is saying anything
To me
about me
Words just fly around
Bouncing off
I'm tired of thinking
Tired of deciding
Tired of being afraid
Tired of caring
And yet
Yet I can't seem to let go
Can't seem to stop
Can't seem to speak out loud
for fear
for fear of being called "analytical"
For making such a big deal out of nothing
Talking too much
Thinking too much
So I keep it to myself
And now I am about to burst
Spinning, drowning in my own dark abyss
Hoping someone
Somewhere
Will come and pull me out.
How to keep growing
That this tiredness will last forever
And I've burned a bridge
I'm afraid I'll be left
Alone and lost
Back from the wilderness
Into a desert even greater
Chosen something I didn't actually want
I feel alone in this racing spiral
Things are happening
And I wonder who chose it
If I just held on to the continuum
Without a stop
Without a word
I feel like everyone is silent
And it is all left up to me
No one is saying anything
To me
about me
Words just fly around
Bouncing off
I'm tired of thinking
Tired of deciding
Tired of being afraid
Tired of caring
And yet
Yet I can't seem to let go
Can't seem to stop
Can't seem to speak out loud
for fear
for fear of being called "analytical"
For making such a big deal out of nothing
Talking too much
Thinking too much
So I keep it to myself
And now I am about to burst
Spinning, drowning in my own dark abyss
Hoping someone
Somewhere
Will come and pull me out.
Friday, August 3
Today is friday. My last day at Big City. Nothing fancy. Not even the regular people I usually work with. Got a nice big paycheck. That was sweet. I was already over it before I went in at seven this morning, so I'm glad that is done. Got an email about a new job really close to my new (!) apartment this afternoon. {fingers crossed, eyes squeezed real hard shut}. Said a lot of real hard (maybe the hardest) goodbyes yesterday. Gave some gifts and cards to say thanks that I know were special to a lot of people (that feels good).
Last night I went to sleep (curled up in a sad little ball) thinking how nice it would be if someone could just say something that would make it easier, if someone would just say the right words to make it feel better. And this morning I realized what I need is to be let go of. And I need to let go too. I need to let me go and I need those who love me the most let go too. We all need to have a little trust that there really is something good ahead, even if things are changing.
So today was my last day at work. I didn't really care. I'm tired. I'm really tired. I'm exhausted and don't want to handle very much. So I'm letting go. I'm getting excited. New furniture. New paint colors. New jobs. New friends. New hobbies. (camping trips! :D I can't seem to make a big enough smiley face for that).
I'm looking forward to seeing my little sister again, to feel her chubby little (or not so little anymore) arms around my arms, squeezing, squeezing me like a penguin wrapped with a rubber band.
I am looking forward to HUGE family parties where I can wear a skirt and heels and then take off the heels and swing little kids around and eat lots of food and get in my mom's way and be really bored. Sitting around the dining room table picking at crumbs while I listen to my gossip and make bad jokes and laugh really really loud.
I am looking forward to family meals with good friends and cousins while their kids run around like maniacs.
I am looking forward to the grocery store-- you know, the real ones like Safeway and Sunflower ( yay sunflower!)
I am looking forward to the Alley Cat open all night
Looking forward to lecture halls and the wierd olive green and faded yellow that is campus
Looking forward to Bike Riding!
Looking forward to The Bean Cycle and catching up with old Friends
MOCA-- all the latest art for free!
Looking forward to the ugliest and dearest, most precious building on campus based on a mine shaft
The wierd waffley-things on the outside of the windows on the big buildings
Morgan, my friend who gives me all the books I want
I'm looking forward to actually taking advantage of the gym
Looking forward to eating off plates that don't match and drinking from mason jars on my fantastic little $17 dining room table with the square edges and elegant little molded curves
Looking forward to cooking dinner with an old and dear friend (but never again that Potato soup, darling ;) )
I'm looking forward to seeing my big painting again and giving it a new home.
The drive down I-25, with its impenetrable but breathtaking wall to the west
I'm looking forward to loving the outdoors more, taking more trips to enjoy home
I'm looking forward to being able to ride my bike anywhere
Looking forward to staying out at all hours doing crazy things that students do
I am looking forward to knowing that I have such a wonderful family here still, waiting and cheering me on, seeing how those relationships grow from 800 miles away.
I'm looking forward to seeing how things have changed for the better and struggling through the things that still suck.
I'm looking forward to being home but knowing that I will always have a home here too.
And that, my friends is a wonderful feeling!
Thanks everybody, for being a part of this journey. I was thinking this afternoon as I make my last California Sandwich before putting it in a to-go box to take home-- I never really imagined what this day would be like, but I don't think I would have thought that it would have felt like this. I've reached the end of the time I said I would take. I did it! I did it! Or rather.. someone else did it and I just got to come along for the ride. And now, now, I stand in a place where I know less about what my future holds that ever before (or else what I thought I knew about the future before). But I feel so loved from both sides, and that is such a blessing. So surrounded. Thanks for those of you here in Idaho who have grown to surround me in the love that you do-- thank you for flattering me in making it so hard to leave. Thanks to you guys who are at home, waiting with open arms for me to come back. Thanks for letting go of me, giving me up for these months-- for "sharing" me. I'm not sure how to say how unworthy I am. So thanks. I look forward to see what each of these friendships hold. Can't wait to find out...
Last night I went to sleep (curled up in a sad little ball) thinking how nice it would be if someone could just say something that would make it easier, if someone would just say the right words to make it feel better. And this morning I realized what I need is to be let go of. And I need to let go too. I need to let me go and I need those who love me the most let go too. We all need to have a little trust that there really is something good ahead, even if things are changing.
So today was my last day at work. I didn't really care. I'm tired. I'm really tired. I'm exhausted and don't want to handle very much. So I'm letting go. I'm getting excited. New furniture. New paint colors. New jobs. New friends. New hobbies. (camping trips! :D I can't seem to make a big enough smiley face for that).
I'm looking forward to seeing my little sister again, to feel her chubby little (or not so little anymore) arms around my arms, squeezing, squeezing me like a penguin wrapped with a rubber band.
I am looking forward to HUGE family parties where I can wear a skirt and heels and then take off the heels and swing little kids around and eat lots of food and get in my mom's way and be really bored. Sitting around the dining room table picking at crumbs while I listen to my gossip and make bad jokes and laugh really really loud.
I am looking forward to family meals with good friends and cousins while their kids run around like maniacs.
I am looking forward to the grocery store-- you know, the real ones like Safeway and Sunflower ( yay sunflower!)
I am looking forward to the Alley Cat open all night
Looking forward to lecture halls and the wierd olive green and faded yellow that is campus
Looking forward to Bike Riding!
Looking forward to The Bean Cycle and catching up with old Friends
MOCA-- all the latest art for free!
Looking forward to the ugliest and dearest, most precious building on campus based on a mine shaft
The wierd waffley-things on the outside of the windows on the big buildings
Morgan, my friend who gives me all the books I want
I'm looking forward to actually taking advantage of the gym
Looking forward to eating off plates that don't match and drinking from mason jars on my fantastic little $17 dining room table with the square edges and elegant little molded curves
Looking forward to cooking dinner with an old and dear friend (but never again that Potato soup, darling ;) )
I'm looking forward to seeing my big painting again and giving it a new home.
The drive down I-25, with its impenetrable but breathtaking wall to the west
I'm looking forward to loving the outdoors more, taking more trips to enjoy home
I'm looking forward to being able to ride my bike anywhere
Looking forward to staying out at all hours doing crazy things that students do
I am looking forward to knowing that I have such a wonderful family here still, waiting and cheering me on, seeing how those relationships grow from 800 miles away.
I'm looking forward to seeing how things have changed for the better and struggling through the things that still suck.
I'm looking forward to being home but knowing that I will always have a home here too.
And that, my friends is a wonderful feeling!
Thanks everybody, for being a part of this journey. I was thinking this afternoon as I make my last California Sandwich before putting it in a to-go box to take home-- I never really imagined what this day would be like, but I don't think I would have thought that it would have felt like this. I've reached the end of the time I said I would take. I did it! I did it! Or rather.. someone else did it and I just got to come along for the ride. And now, now, I stand in a place where I know less about what my future holds that ever before (or else what I thought I knew about the future before). But I feel so loved from both sides, and that is such a blessing. So surrounded. Thanks for those of you here in Idaho who have grown to surround me in the love that you do-- thank you for flattering me in making it so hard to leave. Thanks to you guys who are at home, waiting with open arms for me to come back. Thanks for letting go of me, giving me up for these months-- for "sharing" me. I'm not sure how to say how unworthy I am. So thanks. I look forward to see what each of these friendships hold. Can't wait to find out...
Thursday, August 2
Wednesday, August 1
I am feeling a lot more at peace today. Things are what they are. I realized as I began my day today that there are a lot of anxieties and fears that I just needed to give over-- to give up the control, areas that my hands were removed. And that feels really good. To know that it is in fact not up to me.
Something that I have been observing is that goodbyes seem to actually strengthen relationships. They test their strength. It is that place of tension when how you really feel begins to come out. The moment, the opportunity, the spot that you have to say it outloud. "Trial by fire"as they say. The intensity of the heat refines, it forges new ground. Maybe that is why they are so painful. It brings out the pogniant reality that gets turned under the soil of the day-to-day. Everything becomes raw.
I had forgotten about a lot of trust issues. And I got a good reminder today. Just trust. That and the reminder just to keep on loving. Love with everything, be honest and bare the risky truth of love and that will be enough. I think that is really what I am searching for. Taking those big, long steps to expose the affection I am so quick to hide.
So I am feeling quite a bit more peace today.
Something that I have been observing is that goodbyes seem to actually strengthen relationships. They test their strength. It is that place of tension when how you really feel begins to come out. The moment, the opportunity, the spot that you have to say it outloud. "Trial by fire"as they say. The intensity of the heat refines, it forges new ground. Maybe that is why they are so painful. It brings out the pogniant reality that gets turned under the soil of the day-to-day. Everything becomes raw.
I had forgotten about a lot of trust issues. And I got a good reminder today. Just trust. That and the reminder just to keep on loving. Love with everything, be honest and bare the risky truth of love and that will be enough. I think that is really what I am searching for. Taking those big, long steps to expose the affection I am so quick to hide.
So I am feeling quite a bit more peace today.
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