"The more personal property is retained as private space, the more corporate property becomes a necessity. And the cycle continues, for as we enlarge the territory of corporate property, private property remains comfortably sacred. So as congregations build larger buildings, gyms, and food courts, we find ourselves less likely to meet in homes and kitchens and around dinner tables. We end up centralizing worship on corporate space or "on campus." Hospitality becomes less of a necessity and more of an optional matter, a convenient privilege. On the other hand, as members open their homes and yards to share vehicles and recreation space, less and less corporate property is necessary."
-- Shane Claiborne, "The Irresistible Revolution"

I have been making my way through Shane Claiborne's "Irresistible Revolution" and I must admit that it takes some amount of discipline to keep myself from putting it down without the intention of picking it up again. When I first began it, I brought all sorts of prejudices to it, hoping for an excuse to write it off as another legalistic book of "shoulds" and "oughts," but now that I am less than a hundred pages away from the end, I realize a great deal of my struggle in diving into the book has been the fact that it brings up a great deal more questions than answers. And I suppose when I say "a great deal more" what I really mean is that it brings up one annoyingly persistent question and little to no answers.

As I read through all 330 pages, I can't help but ask "how can I make my life about this?" In combination with this irritating question, I also find that most of my thoughts are focused on the preparations I am making to return to Colorado and spending a lot of soul time contemplating how to make choices that line up with my true heart. I've been spending a lot of energy figuring out a place to live (which seems to take trifold energy when you don't happen to be in the same state as the one you are looking to live in). When I think of my previous life, the dominant thought that returns is one of isolation. And in that way, isolation is most certainly something I am looking to climb out of, find ways to keep from retuning to it.

As I've thought about the way of life Claiborne is calling others to join, it seems that what he is suggesting is a mindset so far outside of the dominant "success ladders" our culture demands of us. Claiborne has discovered a way of living that sees the eternal in everything-- he seems to care very little about careers and planning for your financial future or resumes. All he seems to care about it loving people. He has been blessed with the realization of what it means to be a "be-er" instead of a "do-er." And there is something extremely stable about that that I love. This way of life places security somewhere outside of what we do or what we are good at or what we have to show for ourselves. It is a way of life dependent somewhere outside of money or comfort. And for once, that is something that feels real.

And I look at my life full of "public spaces" and wonder how to break out of it. I love the passage quoted above because I feel that it embodies so my reality in our culture. We have become so wrapped up in the comfort of our homes, our perfect nuclear families, our cars that can allow us to never see the light of day. Our convenience has cut us off from one another and it seems to me that the greatest challenge is not living a life together, but finding other people who are willing to get out of their cars and simply walk down the street.

It seems to take the greatest energy just to break the cycle. Something that has been swimming around in my heart this past weekis a piece of wisdom given me by one of my many mentors. He simply said, "The way you learn to build relationships is going to determine how you build relationships for the rest of your life. A lot of people say they'll just get through school and figure it out later, but the reality is that they never do because they still never have learned how." This makes a lot of sense to me. My prayer this past week has simply been the question, "Lord, teach me, then, how to build relationships now. I don't want to wait."

A great handicap of our culture is our obsession with business. We seem to be so caught up in keeping busy that we have buried ourselves under piles and piles of stuff to keep us from ever facing our hearts. And it is no wonder we feel isolated. We become robots, doing what we are told to do becuase that is the current of the rushing river that society is. And so the choice to swim upstream is often costly. It requires sacrifice of comfort, it is inefficient-- it often costs a great deal more money that we often do not have a source of. But the thing seems to be that none of this matters. Suddenly the focus isn't on the ten-year financial plan, it is simply seeking what we need today. Manna, if you will. "what is it?" And maybe that is exactly how we ought to seek-- to take what we are given each day and simply ask "What is it?" Not feeling a need to seek the nutrition facts or whether or not we will have enough for tomorrow, but just focusing on what is. I almost feel like this has been the question, "What is it that I am to do?" And maybe the answer is simply wait for the daily bread that comes for today.

I've been wrestling a lot with why my mind seems to be so elsewhere. Feeling guilty for spending so much energy on where I will be in a month and thinking little about where I am in this moment. I think in many ways, I am blocking out some things, avoiding thinking about the people I am going to be leaving, avoiding the inevitable day when I must quit my job. I don't want to say goodbye. And so all I am left with is this painful nag. Lord, help me.

So I don't feel much like there are all that many answers, but I am okay with that. As much as I want to be prepared, have a plan in place, I know somewhere in there that it really is a waste of energy and it is keeping me from being present to what I am still doing here and now. And maybe a part of it is looking forward to the clean slate that lies before me and a longing to be back with my family, back home where things are familiar, back with the life I have learned so well to love.

I'm finding
when I give myself some Room
I feel better being alive
I suddenly feel comfortable
knowing you
And letting you know me
When when I fell
invisible
so very quiet
letting out some slack
for those awkward
moments...
Those brief seconds
(or long hours)
when I don't know what to say
or expect
or do
I begin to choose
my own belonging
instead of waiting for you
to offer
I suppose
when I begin to stop
Reading Minds
I can stop expecting you
to read mine
So I am trying
trying so very hard
To give myself some Room
when I just let me be
quiet
invisible
then maybe, just maybe
I'll have the space
To find something to say

I feel like walking away
don't even care
don't feel bad
I have no fear
Only a little regret

I am learning
I am a lot happier
Being okay with me
I'm a lot happier
No seeking you
to Fulfill me
I am learning
if I just see you
love you
it matter less
whether or not
You see me
or love me
first

I am learning
to be okay
if I'm not daring
okay
if I am quiet
small
timid
I worry less
about
what you think
And if I choose
to worry
Then I'll ask

I'm choosing to walk away
free
free from your scrutiny
apart for once
from your gaze
finding room to
Breathe
Room to Love
I am me
Made in the Image
i AM what i AM
(i can be nothing more
nothing less)

If i'm okay with me
I hope you can be too
Because I'm okay with me

I'm learning
I am

okay

with me.
And I am choosing
to spend less energy
reading minds
and more time
Living my life
Loving my life
Living what I know

So I'm okay
Walking away
because I'm working on
loving me
so I can love you too

interesting observation...

Today at work we were discussing the greatness of the 80's music we were listening to on the XM, and a very interesting observation was made. Note the dialogue:

Me: This music reminds me of the movie "13 going on 30"
Coworker: Doesn't it bring you back to your childhood?
Me: No. I was three when the 80's ended
Coworker: But, didn't you still listen to this stuff for a few years into the 90's?
Me: No, my parents were sort of against anything classified as popular (sorry Mom and Dad). Anything not classical music was considered of the devil (sorry again Mom and Dad).
Cowoker: (no pause) Are your parents religious?

Interesting. Funny how I never said anything about the only other type of music in our house growing up, but only three of these words could have triggered such a response from my friend: popular, classical, or devil. I just think it is interesting that if someone mentions being against mainstream culture, a common response must be that they are "religious" (an adjective I find offensive, shallow, and ridiculous, by the way). Nevertheless, where could she have gotten this idea?

I am working on growing the idea that if God is Creator of all things, if "the earth is the Lord's and everything in it," then whenever we find something true, it must be of God. So less and less do I worry about being corrupted by mainstream culture, I try less to be "set apart" by acting like I am better than the masses of humans with their own expressions. I think it is interesting, if we believe in a God who is big enough to handle the whole world, that as the followers of his son, the "religious" are so easily classified as those afraid of anything outside the Christian Bookstore, if you know what I mean. Just an observation.

As I find myself facing another crossroads, another place of transition and change, I've been doing a great deal of reflection on where I am and where I want to be. In some ways, I realize that there is something about these places in my life that I really enjoy. I really appreciate circumstances that force me to stop for a moment and look back on the road I have traveled and make decisions about the road I want to choose ahead. There is something calming and empowering and exciting about that. It feels very creative to me. That is probably why I like it.

Something else presented itself to me today. I don't feel much like people are really asking me how I feel about all that is going on in my life. I haven't had many people stop and say to me, "So, Heidi, how do you feel about going home?" I feel like people are making assumptions about whether it is right or wrong or underhandedly trying to send me hints that I really don't understand. There are plenty of people saying, "we can't wait for you to be back," and plenty of people saying, "I'm trying to get you to want to stay" but few people are really journeying with me in where I want to go and where I want to be. Big chunks of me feel like I am not allowed to make this about me at all. And frankly, it is all very vague and conflicting and makes me feel like I am venturing out yet again into a place where people don't seem to really care to just enter the place of where I am.

And , maybe in quite a conflicting manner, my reflection has brought me back to something that motivated me and brought a lot of peace in my decision to come here in the first place. Those of you who are faithful readers may remember a song that I kept hearing over and over with the words, "We will spend our lives on you." Occasionally, I remember that song and it feels very far away. But tonight I began to consider what that looks like for my life as it continues. Back in September, it didn't really make any real logical sense, but somehow it seemed that choosing to spend my life on the Thing that is Greater could only mean coming here to Idaho. Something about choosing to lay my well-laid plans on the tracks and follow. And in many ways, I see my life becoming less about spending my life on me and I see it heading on a trajectory of love and less one of my own personal devices. I find my security becoming less and less in what I do and more and more in what I love. And so I must ask myself, What does it mean now for me to spend my life on the Father? How does going back to school, back home serve as an act of sacrifice, a payment of my very life? I think the answer is yes, but the how has not yet come.

One thing I do know-- when I say I will spend my life on the Creator, I don't think it is so much about where I am or what I do but where my heart is pointed and the thing that compels me. It is more a matter of an inner drive that manifests itself in certain spheres, lives, places, and people. So. the question remains. The tension hangs in the balance. Maybe next week we'll have an answer. maybe not. Until then...

I feel disconnected
from myself
far from reality
tired
ready to say goodbye
Checkout
move on
ready to move on
so ready to move on
weary of drama
tired of hurt feelings
entangled hearts
ready for change..
again
new life
old life
back to what i once knew
back to try again
pick up where I left off
pick with a new heart

I'm so ready for something new
Something clean
something different
with only love kept
held close
packed up in the box
waiting to come out again

realizing
seeing old friends
as the faithful souls they are
close as brothers
letting go
of others
seekng a new life
of sharing love
leaving hatred behind

i feel like a less desperate version
more open
less afraid
capable of choosing
love
regardless
less pressure
more freedom

back to where I came from
proud to say I came from
even if no one understands
no one seems to know
see
or care
ready for change
new season
back to the old tree
new leaves
strip off the old branches
pick the new fruit

take a bite
of that new fruit
as the juice drips
drip
drip
drip
upon the pure white of the carpet

I am ready
so ready

torn

I am feeling very divided... quite torn. As each day brings me closer to going home, I anticipate it a little more while at the same time forget that being there means giving up all I have here. As I sit here at my desk tonight I realize that although I will be near to the familiarities of home again and the people I so deeply miss, it means I will be far from the community I have here. All the people I see every day, the things that have become so much my life will be far away. Divided by the simple entity of physical space. I'm not sure it has sunk in until now. And not to say that I dwell on either place, but the simple preparation is turning out to be fairly heartwrenching. And to be honest, I'm not really willing or ready to fully go there to realize the full reality. I let it remain somewhere out there, someplace in the future. But I am beginning to sense the oncoming heartbreak of saying goodbye again. Dang it...