Duing a recent mission trip to New York City with my youth group, i was discouraged for most of the trip, despite all the things I was seeing God do in lives. Seeing all that people were doing in the spirit, i felt unworthy- like i wasn't carrying my weight. I wasn't quite fired-up enough, I wasn't talking to enough people, i didn't have a job that i thought would make such a big impact. In my heart, I told myself I needed to try harder, trust a little more, be a little more daring so i could be accepted- never a message from my team mates, and definately not from God. There was one point I remember standing on platform at the subway station while everyone was praying about what God had just done through us, and i asked God why I hadn't been used, and he spoke into my heart, "But Heidi, I did use you." But something kept me from believing it.
I never really worked through that during the trip and I don't even know if i realized what was going on in me until this morning, almost two weeks later.
During the trip, i memorized 1 Peter 4:8, which says, "Above all, love each other deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins." I loved that verse for the way It opened my eyes to loving others unconditionally, but I didn't really see how it could also apply to me. You see, i was trying to get my sin covered beforehand so i could be loved, instead of letting the love of God and his love through others cover my sins and my inadequecies. Even now, I have never told anyone on the mission team or any other person this deep dark secret. No one knows my need for love even now. I was mixing up God's love-aid policy: I thought it was merit-based, not need based. But God's love is only need-based. No one would ever get any of the abundance if it were merit-based.
It wasn't just in New York that i played this game. I have played it for 17 years at least, trying to cover the sin that is what gives me the need for love in the first place. On sunday I am supposed to share with the entire church what God spoke into my life in New York. THis is it. Right now I am battling that thing inside me that says, "If you share this, you aren't covering your sin anymore. Can you still be loved?" Its that place where I have to take this thing that is inside me and really be real. Its easy to be real in type. THe computer doesn't get shocked. I never have to look people in the face and figure out how to make a smooth transition. I risk imperfection- something i carefully guard. Do i believe in God enough to exchange my fake perfection for the truth and accept his perfection in me? oh, Lord, i pray so.
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