This isn't the way I thought it should be

It seems like God has this cycle where every few months, he reminds me that I do not dictate how reality works. Usually, this process involves me falling on my butt a number of times. Its great fun.

I would like to revoke my last post. I was wrong. I have this problem where when things are really hurtful, I like to gloss over them like they are small enough for me to handle. Instead of just admitting that things are bad and enduring the pain, I act like I should just have a better attitude, wonder what I should confess, or figure out the right formula to fix it really fast. In other words, instead of simply acknowleding reality, I like to make up my own according to my understanding. (that is, very small understanding).

So today, I look back on the past semester and think "this isn't the way it was supposed to be." I didn't really have it together for the entire semester, no matter how much I would like people to think i did. no, i didn't have it together, no matter how much i would like ME to think I did.

I've said it before, but i really mean it and I really claim it too: Last semester sucked. big. If I were to describe to you the things that i would define as, say, the abundant life, the fulfillment of a promise of goodness, very little, if anything from my past semester would be included in this illustration. But the funny thing is, that until last night, I never was truly able admit that fact. I was in the middle of all the junk, but i plugged my nose, I acted like the sea of un-funness I was drowning in was a puddle that I could just step out of if i could just _________. Like my life was hard and grueling and for some reason, a real Christian would enjoy it, get over it, find the joy somewhere else. No matter how many times I tried to rationalize and no matter how much gloss i coated the flith in, i could still smell it. It still nagged the back of my heart crying "claim me, I'm still here whether you like it or not." Instead of just taking hold of how painful it was and dealing with it, i buried it.

Every once in a while, i could come up with a quick fix to mask the despair, but that bandaid would soon be ripped off with the reminder in the back of my mind that i still hadn't dealt with it and it was going to keep coming up. but the worst part of it all, is that it takes me a million years to figure out that is festering underneath. I am so used to masking, so used to hiding from the inner-conflict that I am unable to deal with anything.

so, I am still in the middle, although now that i recognize the issue, I am edging toward the outer-circle. This semester i have felt like God has taken a great deal of things from me. My job, close friends, my sense of belonging, infusion, the school I wanted to go to, my standard of excellence, my ability to succeed at everything, the proof that God does love me in some way at all, the list is very long, but i'm not sure if i want to expose all the stuff that i rely on to you. So, last night I just finally went down to the depths and admitted "God, if you love me, if you honestly answer when I call, where are you?" This Rob Bell teaching was going through my mind where he is talking about doubt or brokeness and he talks about the Psalms being beautiful praise songs and yet a number of them begin with something like "you seduced me". I thought that this journey was supposed to be this way and it is not. Its brutal, its painful, and I'm not really understanding where the abundant life comes in here. Abundant with hardship? Life to the full? Full of pain and brokenheartedness? Yeah, thats a good time right there.

I am pretty far from finding answers to the question of why a loving God would strip my life of real joy, to be honest. I'm having a hard time praying without a few hints of sinicism, but at least I am being what I am instead of what I should be.

One thing I am learning is that the real stuff in life does not fit into my definition of what life should be. A long time ago, my youth pastor was talking about how we should pray for God's will, not ours. he was saying we should pray, even if today is Hell, bring it on if that is your will. To be honest, I haven't been praying that. I've been praying, "Abba, how about today you make good on your word that I'll just be so happy and things will be good like they were yesterday." and then I assume that I am just overlooking the goodness and try to find a way to perform my way back to enjoying God. Instead of taking a crappy day and just admitting it sucked and asking God how to deal, I try to rationalize and try to figure it out myself. I have a problem.

So, two days ago, I was thinking that the best christian life is lived in relaxation, being a good christian is taking time to rest. SO I was looking forward to a summer where instead of working so hard to avoid this crap i was so beutifully glossing over, God would just float it away on a cloud while i sat on the patio with a lemonade. I am an idiot. Let me just say that right now. As of Monday, I will be working a full-time job in the Fort Collins, 45 minutes from home. As of monday, I will be living with my sister, paying rent, buying my own food, being a sudden adult. not my idea of how life was supposed to be.

I am angry becuase God isn't fitting into my box. He isn't supplying me with my grocery list of needs-- somehow, becuase he created the world and the universe, and all of reality, he thinks he can just rip up my list and make his own. I don't like it. Its hard. Maybe some day i'll learn, but right now i acknowledge that not being in control isn't really fun for me. I acknowledge that I have a serious problem alowing conflict in my life. I admit an indefinate amount of time in my life may seem hellish and unbearable. whatever.

Until next time....