Upside-down world

I think little by little the implications of graduation has set in and the past few days it has hit me that my life is changing rapidly and it is out of my control.

A few minutes ago, i got home from our Senior Cassino night and dinner. I had so much fun, but it was difficult to find who I am and who I wanted to be in this chaotic place. It hit me that this may be one of the last times that I ever see a lot of my friends again. On monday, my life is basically moving to fort collins-- in a way, totally cold turkey. At this point, there looks to be very little closure for me-- I feel like i'm just going to be gone, mainly alone. Not much transition. Not many people I know. I've found myself using the phrase "scared as ______ (you fill in your choice, there are a number of words that have been appropriate)" very often in the past days and the hardest part is that I don't even know where my faith is right now.

AS I have been contemplating how not to my standards or expectations my life has been, I've had to do a lot of reconsidering about what I beleive about God. I feel very lost right now, swirling and still trying to be sincere and cordial in my interactions with other people. I have totally been able to see how people say the Christian life is nowhere near easy. I am beginning to see that God isn't my feel-good genie, but that the reality that he is a lot bigger than I am.

So i find myself having a really hard time trusting him. When people talk about God's love, it seems like a joke to me. Like this thing that I know in my depths must be true, but the way I am seeing God's love right now isn't the way I would define love.

this morning, I went back to the place where I always go to meet with God, but it was different in a way. I went to this place in Isaiah where God is basically saying that he knows the tribes of Isreal are suffering and he says "when moad goes to her shrines, she wastes her time in prayer" basically. It was like I was reading my own life. But in the same way, it was like God was telling me that he was breaking down all the false walls I put my security in, taking the false words out of the way i had been defining him.

I don't understand a lot. I don't understand the things i thought i got before. I mean, if Jesus promises his way of life is easy and his burden is light, why in the world is this so hard? I mean, i feel like a total failure-- I am a totaly failure. I don't like not being able to figure anything out. But one thing i seem to be able to hang on to for a few minutes is the idea that maybe becuase of grace, this floundering, this searching, this uncertainty doesn't bother God as much as it bothers me-- he understands, in fact, i get this feeling that things may get worse before they get better and that is no accident. So I am going to try to stop trying, try to be who I am. needless to say, i think this will be the hardest part.