finding a place where i feel like I click. I've been doing a lot lof thinking about where I am, where God wants me, really seeking God on what he is wanting to teach me and the thing that i just keep coming back to is how when God works, it always seems to be in some kind of process-- he never just spells it out, but simply just calls us to follow a little farther, to take a few more steps. He adds brick upon brick upon brick as opposed to just building the all all at once. When I stop to realize this, i like it, but in the meantime is can be ahrad and frustrating. And so it seems day after day he calls me deeper, brnigs one more thing to my heart regarding the faith community where he wants me.

I have been learning a lot lately, but it has been so hard. so much of my time is spent wondering what is going on with me. So i've been thinking about these two places, and I have begun to woner if eigher one is the place for me. It took me for a while to realize that i dont' really feel like i've found a place that I so totally resonate with that I want to just give everything to. ITs like peaices and parts work, but in the end, i keep finding myself searching, hungering for something more. What is it that I am really looking for? What am i waiting for? I feel like this is one of those moments where I just have to say thank God for his grace becuase way too often i feel so screwed up and i feel like there should be something more right with me. I just have to take those steps of faith to simply admit i am in the cofusing place that I am in and just trsut that if God wants me to be someone or somewhere else, he will place me there.

So i have not done anything today that i could label as productive or useful, and this bothers me. But i wonder if its just sometimes that I need to let go of the idea that this life is really about acheiving anything. i mean, is it really? I've been praying lately that God would make me a be-er, not a do-er. And i have seen these things inmusefl that just seem irresponsible, but even more evident is that idea that God is just bringing me to the point of recognition that I really can do nothing on my own and that really doesn't bother him. What if I was just sprawled out on the spiritual floor? what would that do to me? Is there a place where i could find that I am just nothing before God?

In B. Manning's 'Relentless Tenderness of Jesus," he relates a story in which he simply finds himeself totally unable to pray, read, meditate. It is upon this occurance Manning is reminded that everything is a gift-- even the ability to pray and that God does not measure our spiritual stature by these becuase even these things that we consider imporant for earning our liturgical keep mean nothing to God in terms of our worth. And so i find myself in this place where I am simply unable to find him in his word, just striving for this stuff that I could once do that is so good but just sprawled out, unable. And yet none of this is what earns my place in God's arms. and so i wait...