I feel like I am in serious danger of burning all of my precious readers out by all that I have to say, but today has been such a trippy day of God-sightings and there are a few things on my heart tonight that I just need to put out there. And there are so many things surging through my being that I would really really love to hear some feedback, just to know i'm not just throwing this out to the wind or just if there may be something I'm not seeing that all of you could just give me some vision on, that'd be great.

So I am currently in the process of sort of deciding between two faith communities that I want to be a part of here at CSU. I don't know if it will be okay for me to just straddle them both or if I really need to commit to one or where God is leading, but at times it can be very draining, very faith-trying.

It is strange becuase I have found this one community that I feel like really resonates with the life I am seeking, this life that goes past religion, that is just all about seeking to find God all over his creation, all over the ultimate reality that he is. However, there is this other community that I just feel drawn to. There are so many people I already know that are part of it and I just want to be connected to them too. I find that in this environment, I am really able to seek God in worship, I'm not even sure what it is.

But nevertheless, I feel I am in this waiting game, not sure where to proceed. Tonight I went to the community I first described and it was crazy. The first few moments, I felt like God was saying this isn't the place for me and I just need to let go of it. At the time, I was thinking, "Okay God, this is crazy. I mean, if this really isn't the place you want me, I'll let go. It doesn't make sense to me becuase I feel like this is really the place where I am challenged in the things I thought you were leading me in, but you don't always make sense." But, as the night went on, my heart resonated more and more with what we were discussing. I really love the things I see God doing in that place... and yet I feel torn.

I hate to keep going back and forth. I hate the idea that people are watching me and expecting me to have made a decision by now, but I just don't have a clear answer from God. And I don't want to sort-of commit to a small group or sort-of act like I am part of something else. I want to give myself fully to whatever I do-- could it be that I give myself fully to God through these two things? I do not know.

I wish I had taken more time to maybe lay some ground on what I see God doing all around me, specifically here in my hall, but this will have to suffice as you coming in to the narrative at the mid-point, becuase I feel it is much too big for me to begin to illustrate. nevertheless, here is a glimpse of where I am. Please be in prayer for me as I hope to honestly seek God's face here. There are so many of his people that i just love and want to be connected to, but how much is too much?

Abba God, I really need your guidance. You know my frustration and you know my doubt. I feel that I must make this decision on my own and I must do it to the expectations of the people around me. But I was just so excited tonight to begin to hear your voice with a little more clarity-- even if it may not have been what I wanted to hear. Lord God, I am lost from you. I feel like this so-called light upon my feet has been blown out and I really don't know where to turn and where to go. I am having such a time simply groping around for you. I need you, I need your touch and I need your word. Abba, I love you. THe only thing I really want to do is serve you, and part of that is finding myself free from discouragements and lies and I need your truth. I need freedom from all this distraction and chaos. So Lord God, lead me on amid the confusion, I need you more than ever.