"Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just an altered way of living and thinking, but a full-on metamorphasis." Martha Beck

Today is a genuine rainy day. The real deal. Its a good day for just quietness, for rest, for reflection. So last night I had the amazing priveledge of seeing David Crowder in concert and it was just an amazing night of thoughts, emotions, but especially one just to see the power of God and how he is at work in the lives of these people he has gifted to express who he is musically and the way that he expresses what he wants to do in his world through them.

I have realized that a lot of my time is spent thinking about me, worrying about me, wondering what is wrong with me and i have missed this big God. I've missed out on a lot. I've been thinking a lot about this line from Rob Bell, "I just don't want to live lame." Is that really a possibility for my own life? Is there something better, something bigger than this mush of a life? Sitting there last night simply in awe of what can be expressed through God's creation of music: the beauty, but also just the bare-bones honesty, the total surrender that seemingly can only be expressed in this powerful medium. Surrender. Brokeness.

There is a lot in life that I just don't understand and I wear myself out trying to figure it all out. What is this season in my life? What am i looking for, what am i expecting, and really i think the biggest question, what is the most important for the here and now.

I don't really know, but i am simply going to rest in the fact that i don't know and i don't need to know. This morning at just this strange moment right at the end of the closing prayer at church this morning, this thought came over me. " I just want someone to put their arms around me and tell me that its going to be all right.." And somehow i sensed that.

Abba God, I ask for your honesty here. I ask you to bring me out of the hiding that I have been in. expose me. You've been talking to me a lot lately about giving up myself in order to gian you, to find real life i need to loose mine. Idon't know what that means and in my human flesh I am too weak to open my fingers. But Lord God, I make that my prayer for however long it takes.. Soften me to the point of being able to let go of my own life-- who am i to even know what to do with it? develop this in me, I beg you. Abba God, i just want to thank you for al that you are. Thank you for the pattern of your rain on my window. Thank you that you are not contained by my imaginiation or my spiritual stamina, nor are you limited by my confusion and laziness. Abba, I thank you that you have a plan and it isn't all about me-- thats a lot of pressure and i think i am about to break u nder the notion that that is what it is about. Thank you that you never leave me, that you never withdraw your promise of rest. Thank you for doing in me whatever it is you are doing. I ask that you would keep reminding me to be quiet and simply and surly keep working on my heart... give me trust. I love you my Lord, my God, my redeemer, the one who is bringing me back to himself. What a beautiful God of grace you are.