Suffering from a Bit of Overload

What a weekend it has been. Its not even over, but I feel very much exhausted, very bombarded with about a million thoughts and questions. I feel like my life is spinning at nearly a thousand miles per hour. I have been surrounded by so many people this weekend, so many ideas, so many feelings I feel I ought to sort through but don't think I have much time for at least a few weeks nor do I even know where to begin.

One thing, however, I know to be true: college is a time of change. Its a time where your trust is stretched and stretched and stretched and I wonder if this is the end of just the first year, if there will even be a shred of me left by the end. There are a lot of things about the future that I am afraid about, things like appearances and provisions. Things that Jesus says the birds and flowers don't worry about and those things that he says as long as we seek his kingdom, he will take care of. Nevertheless, facing all this empty blackness ahead is a very scary experience. And so the question returns: How much do you trust me?

I've been reminded this weekend that the only thing we can cling to is Abba. That He is the only one who is going to quiet my soul and that he is the only one that is going to make it possible for me to stop running around, that he is the end of these infernal circles I keep finding myself running in. He is the solidarity that I'm seeking in other people and circumstances and tangible futures. He is the one..

"We will only trust God as much as we love him..." Thomas Merton

Abba, as I've thought about you today and since our time together this morning, I know deep in my depths that I have so much to thank you for, despite the uncertainty I am facing, the discomfort I find myself in the midst of. So, Abba, thank you that you do not leave me alone, that at right at the right moment, you show yourself to be faithful. I thank you that you do hold my future in your hands, each little step, each breath, each moment, you've seen it and prepared it and blessed it. You are just waiting to supply the air for the next inhale. Thank you for the ways you have provided for me this year, for the friends, for family, for pain and for joy. Thank you for change, that each moment is a new opportunity. Thank you for providing a place for me to live this summer, for a great job, for so many experiences, for a church to call home, a place to sleep, food to keep me alive, even if it is form food. Thank you that you lead me with kindness, that you call me forth in love, that the roads down which we are walking are good roads, roads of life, that you are not leading me to places of death and depair. Thank you Abba, that I can be free of fear, that you free me from the grips of the accusor. THank you Abba, for you love for me. Thank you that you have me in your grip, even when I don't think I can get my fingers around anything, you've got me in your hand-- your big, capable, loving, comforting hand.