desire

Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way
and the eveil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the Lord
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your wyas
and my throughts than your thoughts
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven
And do not return to it
withtout watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and
bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth;
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and acheive the purpose for which I sent it,
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hils
will burst into song before you,
and the trees of the field
will clap thier hands,
Instead of the tornbush will gorw the pine tree,
and instead of the briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."

[Isaiah 55:6-13]

Desires. In Sunday School and other church-y things, it seems like a common topic, especially in your formative years, is the matter about whether or not this or that is "God's will for you life." We are constantly seeking what that one road is that God wants us to walk down-- like we are always attempting to plug in the right numbers to solve this illusive puzzle of the Great Abstract and then wonder why we continually feel like someone has poked our eyes out. Like we are continually seeking the one baby point of light at the end of the tunnel and all the while missing the beauty of the stlagtites along the way.

I look back on the past semester in which I wrestled with the decision about whether or not to embark on this journey I now find myself on here in Idaho with a sense of heaviness but deep peace and joy. After announcing my decision, someone asked me, "are you sure this is what God's will is for you?" and to be perfectly honest, the answer to that question was "No, I am not sure this is the one and only place that God would be calling me to next semester," but i think the deeper question was whether or not I beleived that God would really work that way-- that he would be really asking me to decipher the thoughts of his great mind to a T. Not that I don't think God doesn't have specific desires for us, but I think he is more interested in what goes on in our hearts and not neccessarily how or where that occurs. He just wants us to put ourselves in the position for him to work, regardless of where that is.

So here I am. I have been doing a lot of thinking this week about why I am here and what I want to get out of this experience. I have been surveying my possibilities, considering the positions in which I find myself and been donig a lot of praying about my desires and goals. I have these dreams, these things that I would like to see developed in myself, opportunities to try things I could do in no other position and I am realizing that it all feels so fragile. These are whispers of dreams, liable to be blown away with one breath. And I think maybe it is this realization of my heart that the only things that are accomplished in this world are those that God allows or ordains. I can do what I want for a while, but ultimately, it is the gift of Abba that we even have breath today. And so all I can do is commit my plans to the Lord and allow him to bring them to pass.

I used to pray a lot that God would simply be my reminder. I used to take notes on things profusely becuase I felt like I must remember everything. I must keep lists and charts so that I never forget to be the Child of God that I ought to be. And I relized one day that all my notebooks and sticky notes and index cards of reminders just get put on a shelf or in a drawer or in the trash, piliing piling piling up until it was all just gray matter. And so I just began to pray that God would be my reminder of all these things when the time came for me to use the lessons. What a relief to rely on God to be my filing system-- to trust his spirit to bring to me all that I need at the moment that I need it.

So I am realizing that I have this blank canvas ahead of me, these next few months with little plan or adgenda outside of learning to see more clearly where God is at work. And I am finding in the quiet of my heart that the things that Abba desires to do in me will come to be and the rest is unimportant-- that even though I feel like everything is so faint and out of my control, he already has it covered. He has already gone before me and that he is going to be working and placing each day in my hands as it comes. As much as we, I mean I, want to manipulate and control, it is really only God who is going to provide what I have need of.

So desire. You are probably wondering what desire has to do with all of this. I am learning that I can hang on to all of these little sprouts of fragile desire. That instead of laying out the map of the grand scheme, the course of action God has already decided on and expecting me just to comply whether I agree or not, Abba has chosen to lead me with strings of lovingkindness. He is leading me by my desires. That instead of trying to read the mind of the Illusive Almighty, I am simply asked to just be brave enough to listen to my own heart. One of my favorite quotes is from St. Augustine in which he says, "When you love Christ, you can do anything you want." What freedom to know that I can simply trust the desires God puts in me when I am seeking him. It isn't about waiting for a Prophet to send me an email about what the word of the Lord is, but that he has written his name on my heart and all I must do is figure out how to enjoy the child he has made me to be.

Like Dolly Parton says, "Find out who you are and do it on purpose." God has made us to be specific people with specific loves and specific joys and specific passions-- each little pieces of his image. It is difficult for us to believe that we really are beautiful and worthy for God's image to be dwelling in us, but I am learning that the things that I am passionate about and the things that I desire are peices of that image and to be who I am made to be means pursuing that. So since part of the reason for me coming here has been to learn to hear God more clearly, I am learning abit more that means learning to really listed to my own heart. Even when it doesn't make all that much sense. hm.

"But the plans of th eLord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generaltions"

[Psalm 33:11]