some current and seemingly unrelated thoughts

Maybe being bored for a while might be good for you. Hm. Interesting thoughts.

As I reflect on what this past week has been, I realize that maybe boredom isn't the best way to describe it. Restless is probably better. I mean, it is not like I haven't had things to do. I always have books to read and then there is always prayer or something. But I have found it hard to concentrate. And so it's not that there has been nothing to do, but it just hasn't been the types of great things I envision myself doing. But I suppose I have been fairly busy. Adjusting. Thinking. Breathing once in a while.

Restlessness. I've been thinking a lot this week about what quality there is in doing nothing. And, to be honest, up until about ten minutes ago, I have come up with no good justification for idleness. I've been feeling frustrated or maybe greived or maybe guilty for quite a while now about my lack of solitude. I used to be such an advocate-- I even give it lip service still sometimes-- but now I find sitting still difficult for me. Even now, I'm tempted to ADD it and check out the price of a book right in the middle of typing this post. But I'll resist.

I've been thinking about the importance of "Carpe Diem" (which still makes little to no sense to me by the way) in contrast to the importance of stillness. Being okay with just sitting for an hour or two. Where is the line between being lazy, sluggish, and wasteful and finding rest, quiet, and solitude. Its almost like solitude is the sitting without the guilt or something. Guilt-free laziness.

One of the initial reasons that coming here was so attractive to me was the opportunity to step out of the rat-race of full-time job swept into full-time school and learn what it is to be a person okay with accomplishing nothing. To be able to find my identity apart from what I am able to produce. To be honest, that isn't the place where I am at the moment and to be even more honest, that isn't really my desire right now. To go even further with the honesty, I don't even feel guilty about either of those two things. I feel like this is a huge opportunity for me to do some things that I can do at no other time or place and I love that. This whole dynamic is still in the jumbled question stage, in the midst of the pile of gray area.

When I look at how my time is going to be spent in the coming months, the only image that comes to mind is a heap of black puzzle pieces heaped on the first page of my Timemaster, the day planner that I don't actually use beyond the first two and half weeks of the semester. Everything is still unclear. And if I am really honest with myself, I realize this is probably good for me and honestly, I'm not all that upset about it. It is one of those things that I can reliquish my grip upon and know that step by step it will iron itself out.

As I think upon the time I spent being restless this week, I realize that it might be nice if I could just stop for a minute. Learning to stop. I find myself in this place of strange transiency that is stopping and starting in spurts like how I drive my stick-shift Legacy. Lurching. And so sorting out the whole being on and off thing is sort of hazy at the moment. Sometimes I just feel screwed up.

But I think that is still where the stopping and breathing comes in. Even when everything is gray and swirling, being able to take a moment and get my bearings helps. Becoming centered. I've always been facinated with the idea of intentionally becoming centered. I hate even to call it an idea because it is so essential to living like breathing. I have to admit that I pretty much suck at it. I want to hang on to the margins so that I can maintain control. I want to control this and direct that so I don't have to exert the energy needed to trust that so-and-so will call back as promied and what's-his-face will come through.

I've been feeling unhappy with myself about the fact that my times in solitude have been so... absent. That my time in the word are few and far between. Like I said, I used to be the daily solitude advocate. But something has happened to me. Coffee. College. Deadlines. Composition class. 12 credits and a job. I don't know. Obviously if I knew it wouldn't be in the pile of gray area questions.

I'm greived about it. I suppose that is why I'm bringing itup. And it is my hope that in the coming weeks I will be in a place that it gets better. That I will be around people and put myself in places to be influenced to be immersed in the word. I've never read through the whole bible, but it is something that I am working on-- one of those goals. I'm working on my second gospel. But it seems to take me a while to finish these things. It's my prayer, my goal. It is something that I want, to find more solitude and to be allowing the Word to be penetrating me more and more. That my restless spirit would be quieted so that the center would be found.

I've been drawn to this passage in Luke 11 lately:

So I say to you: Ask and it will be givento you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you, for everyone who asks recieves; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened. (NIV)

Don't bargain with God. be direct. Ask for what you need. This is not a cat-and-mouse, hide and seek game we're in. If your little boy asks for a serving of fish, do you scare him with a snake on his plate? if your little girl asks for an egg, do you trick her with a spider? As bad as you are, you won't think of such a thing-- you're at least decent to your own children. And don't you think the father who concieved you in love will give you the Holy Spirit when you ask him? (MSG)

I have been facinated with this passage because even though I have felt like God has been off in another rhealm as of late, I find comfort in this counsel from Jesus. I am learning that Abba just wants us to bring our stuff before him, just to ask. I often go through all of these spiritual calestenics in order to figure out what I ought to be asking for and I miss the whole heart. In the midst of all of this, I am learning just to ask.

I was struck today by Nora Jones' song, "Humble Me," simply in her words, "I'm on my knees empty." Every once in a while I catch a line of a song or some little quote that really resonates and that one hit like the bass string on a harp. Empty. Humilty. Whatever I am, wherever I am, the safest (and most honest) place to be is on my knees empty. So I am sorting through how I want to spend my time whether in quiet or in motion and either way, I must be empty. Maybe that is where the center is found-- when we are empty. And when we are empty, we are in the best position to ask for what we need in all honesty. Freedom in emptiness. Maybe.