I feel I am reaching the end of my perverbial self. Tongiht a friend came over to paint with me and I found it to be quite a depressing experience. I am feeling frustrated at my lack of current inspiration. I am missing school and being challenged and Patrice (yes, it's true). I miss having a vision and a direction. I miss having security. I'm freefalling.

The thing is that I don't really feel like painting or anything right now. I'm sort of okay with not producing anything becuase I am anticipating being challenged again. I feel like painting for me right now is just obligation-- no one is pushing me. And I don't feel like I have the strength or wisdom yet to push myself.

I'm feeling very tired of pushing myself. I feel like my stamina is waning and I need someone else pushing me along now. I need someone running beside me. I'm tired. All I want to do is sleep.

And writing that makes me fear that I am disappointing a lot of people. Sorry everybody. I think that qualifies as a major sign of failure for myself-- I'm tired of trying. My self-motivation has run out. But I think this is sort of a good place to be too. Empty. Bottom of the barrel. Clean slate and ready to start something new. It definately provides a new perspective on where I want my life to go. It is also teaching me a great deal about how to reach out and ask for the help that I need. no one else to turn to, so there the surrender comes. All I can say is, "please help. Please go with me. I'm tired of going it alone." So that's today. I am looking for new hope tomorrow.