I've been wrestling these past few days. Wrestling with disappointment, wrestling with a God I thought I knew, a god I'm supposed to trust to provide for me that doesn't seem to be coming through like I thought that he should or would. I've been wrestling with questions about why my expectations for how I would be providing for myself this semester seem to have been anything but fulfilled. Wrestling with questions about who is at fault, who's mistakes I am paying for, and what I am supposed to expect of a God who I thought promised to take care of me, provide for me. I am struggling with the fact that he isn't being faithful in the ways that I thought he should be. I am struggling with the feeling that even though I have done everything I can possibly do, I suppose within the constraints of my own stubbornness and/or psyche, there seems to be nothing in my control. And yet this question of whether or not God controls our circumstances or if he just stands by, waiting for us to call out to him so he can walk through them with us-- however life turns out. Hard as I try, I feels like I have little to no control over my life, my circumstances, but the question then that arisis is "Who is?" Who picks? Do things just happen and we roll with them? What about those circumstances that people say God intervened? Does he really do that, or do we really just get lucky? And if he does, then did he forget about me? Did he forget about me?

People keep telling me they are so excited that I finally got a job, but to me, it is extremely disappointing, and it is stressful becuase now I am committed to something that doesn't seem to really provide what I really need and it feels precarious and inconvenient in terms of scheduling, ect. And hard as I try to live within my means, to live on the money that I have, it is like all of these unexpected things keep coming up-- expenses that I cannot control, things that I must pay for. So here I am, in this place where I feel like my income is out of my control, my expenses are out of my control, and yet it is still up to me somehow. It is my mistakes that I must pay the consequences for.

I am wondering about this whole theory of mistakes being the best things to happen to you in life. What if there is no safety-net? I'm not so sure anymore that God chooses to be big enough to help us clean up our messes. I feel like so much that has happened has been just so outside of my control, and hard as I try, it doesn't matter. And you know,it used to be sort of comforting to think that my life, my worth is not dependent upon my ability to try hard enough, but now that just mkaes me feel hopeless. I am struggling to see a God who comes through. I find myself in this place where all I have are questions and "trusting God" seems a bit absurd in light of things at the moment.

I am disappointed. I am afraid. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do and suddenly I wonder if these statements about "just turn to God when you are at the end of yourself" are really accurate or if it is just something people tell you to make themselves feel better when they can't help or fix you.

The truth is, I am really tired. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of waiting for just the one thing to happen next-- the clock is ticking, quickly. I feel like I can't even do what I came here to do because I am so distracted by this. And maybe this is what I really came here to do, wrestle through all of this. But I'm tired. I often find myself thinking of home, where things feel like they will be easier, back to more security, regular life where there is no stigma of limited time. And despite all the decisions that await me there, it strangely feels like a new kind of rest. I'm tired of doing things the hard way for a while. I think I've gotten my fix. I'm tired of holding my breath.

And I wonder what the hell this could be preparing me for. What sort of life will I lead? I have often heard, and have often said, that it is important to seek what is to be learned from life. That when things don't go as expected, there is a lesson to be learned. And so, little by little, I am seeking the lesson, but I am also fighting it. There are some moments when I can breathe in and find the courage to wait it out, but other moments I am filled with anger and frustration. Why? Why? So I ask that you all would just be in prayer for me. Bring me before a God that I don't really want to be around right now.