Just when I thought all of my self-induced personal probing was being pushed out by some apparent need for focus on academic learning, I keep having all of these intense bombardments of analytical engagement. Its like I find myself sitting alone drawing for three hours in class and all of these things come to mind that I want to write down, but can't seem to justify stopping for it.

But truly, being back in school, back in the throes of a 25,000 member learning community, the thoughts have returned. In all honesty, I'm not sure how to articulate them all here, especially considering I ought to be studying still, but alas, I suppose out of a thirteen hour working day, I ought to be entitled a few minutes to record what it all means to my heart. (you can probably tell by my writing that I have been writing a few academic papers. Sorry for the heightened vocabulary, but I am in the midst, afterall).

A few months ago, I was doing a lot of praying about who I wanted to be sitting here at this desk, miles and miles away from my desert of solitude. I began to see this passion awakened in me regarding what the kingdom looks like for my life-- where my little body fits into the big open sky that is that reign of the creator. I did a lot of thinking and praying about being a person who lives for the connection with others. I did a lot of contemplation upon my intention of learning to "love well" and how that will come out in my over-piled schedule.

I was talking to a friend tonight and realized that a major facet of college life is the near-total necessity to be totally self-absorbed. It is nearly a matter of death to be distracted from self for a moment because the treadmill keeps moving whether you are walking or not. It is difficult to focus on much more than your own feet.

But I am determined not to allow my life to be consumed with what ought to be done before I consider who it is that is doing it. Upon my return, I could hardly stop thinking about the opportunities to make new friends, to try out my new relational wings.

So, each day, as I walk through my classes, around classes, to the library, on the lawn to the north of the education building, the lounge area in Clark, the curriculum that seems to occupy my mind is what it takes to make friends, how relationships are formed, what it takes to connect with another human being.

The conclusion I have drawn entail the realization that making new friends takes a great deal of work, perseverence, patience, and risk. People often say in college you must be intentional to maintain relationships, but I think it takes even more intentionality to make friends in the first place. It takes bravery to take the first step, to put out my hand and introduce myself. It takes a great deal of stamina to overcome that seemingly endless period of awkwardness that really seems to fade as quickly as it dared to arrive and linger. It takes a lot of strength to stay seated when the intimacy increases-- more questions getting closer to the heart of things. Patience when you see the ugliness, the brokenness come out.

Despite all of this work, I have observed a shift in my thinking. I am feeling the breathtaking pressure of classes and papers and midterms, but I don't feel suffocated or crushed. I do what I can, but something in me knows that this is not the end of all things. I finished my first set of paintings today. I don't really know how the teacher grades or what he will even say, how the critique will say, how my peers will slaughter my work, but today I was simply able to walk away. I did the best I could. A little part of me feels the blood pressure rising as I think about the crit I will sit through on Thursday, but today I was able to say to myself, "regardless of what the instructor thinks of my work, I did the best I could. There is nothing else that I can do to improve without the comments of that critique." And there is something very freeing in that. To know that my worth, my grade comes from my ability to work hard and respond to criticism rather than what I already know before I took the class.

I also know that there is a lot more to life than a C or even an A. There is something in me that has moved past needing to get the approval of the A because I know I did the best given the circumstances. life goes on. Maybe. I suppose I say that now, but my tune may change so quickly.

I am in the midst of a navigation of what balance looks like in my life and what it means to take the risk of letting my yes be yes. Getting involved, making commitments, even when I am not sure of the requirements or the outcome. I am taking risks that are going to throw me in the path of building relationships and finding belonging rather than self-preservation and the safety of hiding.

I am beginning to wonder if these systems of belonging and who is in and who is out is actually in my head, and is really less about other people laying that on me. Groups that make me feel like I am on the outside, like I am not good enough is less their fault and more of mine for putting any amount of stock in such thinking. Its false thinking. The world really is a lot bigger than certain clubs and opinions and massive groups that sometimes feel like they engulf everything and everyone. There are people who don't think the mainstream is for them either and there are people who have taken the risks to walk away and maybe have been just as shy as me to say so. And that is so refreshing.

I am working on crawling out of a hole that induces me to compare myself to other girls. Girls who are more stylish, wear more makeup than me. I am exploring what it means to find my own beauty in who I love and what I am passionate about. Working on letting it go if people judge me artificially and really working on tapping into the reality that all women are beautiful, including me. I am exploring the idea of becoming someone who is accessible, who smiles at others in the hall and takes the first step to get to know others because it isn't about worrying about what other people think of me as much as being honest about the fact that I want to know them, that something in me really is compelled to care for them.