I am learning something
Although it doesn't much feel like it
It feels like I am little
Broken
Like the muscles in my legs have stopped working
And all I can do is
Gaze up at this hill I long to climb

I hear these voices
Telling me I have made a mistake
A big one
Finally fallen into the hole
Just too deep for any hope of retrieval
That I've bitten off too much to chew
Made my bed
And now I get to deal with it
Face in mud

These voices
That want to keep me from breathing
Keep me from seeing clearly
These voices
That want me to feel as ugly as they

But the truth is
That I am little
My life is spinning out of control
And I just see it now
Nothing has changed
I just know it now

I feel like I have lost some innocence
Lost the simplicity I've had before
I am learning this
And discovering how much is enough

I am learning
This heavy weakness
Is not just weakness
Its growth
Its not detachement
but learning greater dependence

I feel small
But that's all He really expects
He knows
He sees
He is in my smallness
And longs to be my bigness
Even when it feels like an eclipse
Has darkened my eyes

And so I am learning
I am at the breaking point
That place where the scales tip
And everything shifts
From that moment
When we see the little we do know
In light of all there is yet to know

And so as silly as I feel
As small and little girlish I am
I am learning
And I stand at a threshold
Shall I choose to walk through
Despite the hardship
The pain
The stare in the face of my weakness
My smallness
And choose to believe
That yet indeed

I am learning.