my hands are aching from scrubbing off the paint. Oh sweet paint, how I adore you, but how you destoy my hands. Just finished painting three self-portriats for homework. There is something sweet and yet exhausting about that. Learning to paint light instead of objects. How exhilarating.

I haven't posted for a while. I've been busy. I haven't taken much time for quiet lately. Not much chance for reflection. I'm tired. I've done a lot of art this week. That feels good. There is something about art and studying it and becoming a student of it that you just feel dead unless you are doing it, working it out. Its not really something that you can just sit and think and talk about. You have to do it. And that is exciting and fulfilling and extremely frustrating. Sometimes it takes all that you have to get over that hill and begin, but once you get the momentum gonig, how sweet it is. It is a great deal like a road trip over rolling hills i think.

Tomorrow I am going camping. It will probably be snowing. But I am excited. A chance to get away. A chance just to enjoy, to breath in the fresh air. How fantastic.

I went to see a man about a car today. This too was exhilarating.

I am learning a little this week how Abba just wants to be our friend. He wants to be the one by our side, the one who goes with us when we do exciting things or embark on new journeys or discover new things or make major purchases. He just wants to be by our side. Funny how we pile all these other things on him, like dumping phone books or something in his lap becuase we think he is full of all that red tape that we are used to in this world.

Today was a no good day at work. Everyone was asking stupid questions and talking slow and it was busy. And all I could say was, sorry, I can't really help you. And I got yelled at. Becuase someone else was stressed. Becuase someone forgot that their job is to assist me when calls are hard, not the other way around. I don't like that feeling, having to be the support for people that I cannot support. That familiar feeling of instant role reversal. how did I get to be in this place?

Its midnight now. But oh beautiful day, only two classes tomorrow and I am all done with my painting homework, so I am free as a bird. Free to spend my class-free (not classless) afternoon however I want.

Its getting colder here. The forecast is calling forth the snow. It seems early. probably won't happen, but the weather might be dreary anyway. Sometimes I wish more people could come here where I live and enjoy it with me. To love the looming blue mountains and quirky weather and take walks up the street. Just the joy of sharing those loves with people. It is a shame that I don't find myself sharing those things with people who actually do live here. That seems to be a hard thing in life. Sharing things with people who are right here.

So this post is not very deep. Its sort of like skipping rocks. skipping every few steps as you walk down the street. It has been a good week. I am getting excited for next semester. or maybe just getting okay with next semester. My stomache seems to be turning a little less violently and that's always nice. But I am becoming a little less fearful, a little more joyful, and that is quite a beautiful thing. My feet slipped out from under me today as I was jumping in my joy. It gave my roommate and I a good laugh, although I'm not sure the neighbors downstairs enjoyed it. Maybe they weren't home.

but that's my life I suppose. For the moment. Things are changing to rapidly. But tonight I feel held, and that's nice. Maybe its the embrace of this director's chair with the cloth wrapping around my back like a firm little blanket. but Even though things are crazy, I keep feeling little glimses of home, wherever that is located. Anticipation of being held in the arms of home someday instead of just grabbing at fireflies.

Abba, thank you for my life. Thank you for love and for arms and embraces and the soothing stroke of music. Thank you for perseverence and painting studios and instructors strangely resembling the Nazi Regime. Thank you that you are creative and how you are teaching me, forming me, caressing me in love when everything is uncertain and I cannot even find you. Thank you for canvas board for $2.79 and good friends who give freedom. Thank you for your love and that you can be found in your wonder and majesty in the middle of the day, when all seems humdrum and performance driven. Thank you for leading me day by day, for leading me on paths that are your paths and are better than the security of this tattered world. Thank you that you hold all things together and that you don't seem to mind that I don't even really know what those words mean. Thank you that you hold my future and you are handing me each little cookie just when I need it. Thank you for your love.