a bit more on the subject

I feel like I've been writing about a lot of the same idea for the past three or four posts, but I seem to be in this space where things are just getting more and more refined-- sort of like in those rock tumbler toys you get when you are a kid to turn your everday driveway stones into precious gems. So here's another tumble.

Listening. A few weeks ago, I sat here, in my room, over there in the corner and as I reflected on what I had come here for, I prayed that God would really fill this longing in my soul just to hear. That I would find the quiet in my soul just to listen for the spirit. And funny how he answers those prayers. Something about promises of seeking and finding.

As part of my program here, I have begun doing what is called the "daily office," which is basically going through the Book of Common prayer from the Order of Saint Claire. And I have been told not to "conquer" anything, but just to listen. To allow the Spirit to stop me where I need to stop. And I am finding such freedom simply in that one release. That this time I spend each day is not to master anything. The time I spend in the word isn't about me proving myself as a spirtual giant through how I spent my time (appearances counting, not what is being changed in my heart). I can walk away having done nothing intellectually, but just running my spirit over the words and focusing on what my heart really wants to say. Grab on to the answers to the questions my heart asks but my mind will not allow.

The expanse of time proceeding the most recent I can remember simply asking that God would penetrate me with his word before opening it in the morning. And honestly, I have forgotten about that small request until these past few weeks. The past year or more has consisted of me sitting down with my journal or with the Bible and thinking, "I have ten minutes right now, hurry and try to sqeeze something out of this becuase it's what I'm supposed to do." Or I would go to church hoping that some great speaker would be visiting so that I could be spoon-fed the things that only God knew my heart was longing for. No wonder I was feeling dry.

So I've started over a little. Clean slate. First, I had to forgive myself for intelectualizing God's holy word, reducing God's wonder to formula, and had to get over the pride to admit that is what I had been doing.

And something is happening in me. Since I have begun to loosen my grip on my approach to the word, I find my grip on my life is loosening. If I don't have to seek out the one asnwer that is going to make the adgenda for the whole day work out, suddenly, I don't have to worry about the day either. I'm not worried on writing a theological lesson plan and so I don't have to write out an adgenda for the next six months either. I don't have much of a systematic approach to the time I spend listening to the spirit other than I make sure I do it at some point in the day becuase I know on tuesday someone is going to be asking me about it. And as "old school" as that sounds, it makes me do it and once I sit down and begin, I find it difficult to stop... some days. Some days I do finish becuase I know it is what I am supposed to do and some days I rejoice when there are only two readings instead of three. Some days I rejoice that there are four readings. But I am also freed. All I have to do is go through and listen for the things that I "like." The things that hit my heart in the soft spot.

And just being able to feel that thud on my heart at all is what makes me feel like living. This morning in worship we sang a song called "Thank you." I'm not really sure what the words to the song were anymore, but I do know that a majority of them consisted simply of "thank you." And I remember standing there, thinking, How long has it been since I have said thank you, Lord, for your love? I think even more the question was How long has it been since I have realized that you have love for me that I can say thank you for. I think that it has been a long time since I was not too tense to remember that above all, I am simply and deeply loved by God. I have forgotten that this way that I live my life is not the life of mechanized things I ought to do becuase somehow it makes everything work right, but I live for the sake of loving and being loved.

Sometimes I find myself asking Why am I here? I mean, why did I leave Colorado to come here? And this morning, this is what I heard: You have come that you might know my love. Oh yeah. I suppose I forgot. I think I have forgotten about wonder. I have forgotten about what it means to be in awe of God. There has been a lot of pressure to remember that, and I think it was crushed under the weight.

I've been thinking about what my life looks like these days with a lot of time spent on thinking, contemplating. A lot of time when I am just in my car, or just alone. And how I feel like being away has allowed me to clear my head quite a bit. And I am spending a lot more time in God's word that I think I ever have and thinking about how things might change when I get busier, hopefully getting a job soon, working more with the art institute, classes get ramped up. And I've been thinking, wondering if it is possible for these things to not become so much routine and monotonous. I mean, that is the challenge, isn't it? But I am learning slowly, quietly that the way we allow God to has his way, his adventurous way in us is simply if we allow him to have that place in us. For me to remember that my reason for being here is not to get through a couple of credits, and it is not for me to gain the experience to put on my resume, and it is not for me to get a few paychecks, but I am here to know God's love for me in a bit of a deeper way. And it isn't about me planning out my life for the next ten years, or even the next ten minutes, but simply listening to the Spirit, breathing him like air, and allowing him to stop me when he wants me to see a little piece of awe. Maybe.