I've been mulling over a desire to post something more "real" for about a week or so, but I think I have been a little afraid of attempting to put all of this that I am learning down on "paper" becuase I feel like it is too big, too three-dimensional for the poor justice that I will do it here is this space. That and being swamped with reading and homework for this ridiculas class among other things. Nevertheless, I will attempt to put a little down, as I have been bursting to share.
So Love. As they say, Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or as that quoation from the old Joni Mitchell song says, "You never know what you got till its gone." I'm finding it to be true. Being away has opened my eyes to see what I really love, helped me to see who my closest friends really are (and that I have a few), and the things that really matter to me. Being away from everything, out in the "desert"a bit, gives a great deal of clarity about how things are off in the distance that you just came from. Sort of like when you step back from a painting, you realize what you are really creating as opposed to the illusion that you have had your face smashed into for so long. Sort of like when your senses stop "sensing" when you are imersed for too long and then you leave the room and come back in and realize you've been living in a stench, a cloud, or with rose-colored glasses.
I miss home. And that is the lovely thing too, isn't it? A while back, I posted a little about having lost a sense of what home is. For the first time in a long time, I can say with certainty where home is. And I can't really give you a street adress at the moment, but I can tell you who's arms home is found in with a great deal of confidence.
It has been so encouraging to me to see all the people in my life who really love me a lot. People that I took for granted before. But its funny, going away has actually strengthened so many relationships. I am learning so much that the glue that makes relationships so strong are experiences we have together, places we journey together. Curtains we pick out together, choices we make along the road, advice sought from those who have already been down the road once. When you consider the possibility of being physically separated from someone for seven months, suddenly things start turning new colors and having new little details that you forgot about before. And even though I no one came with me to Idaho in body, I feel like so many are here with me, routing for me, cheering me on, praying for me, seeking God as to what he would have me here for.
I don't really feel worthy most of the time, to be really honest. Sometimes its hard becuase I don't feel much like I deserve it. I live a lot of my life seeking the hard road becuase I just figure that is where I am supposed to be. And you-- all of you-- just loving me along the way makes it all so pleasant and sometimes it feels wrong. I have an urge to pay you back, this feeling of obligation to recipricate. But I know I can't. Somewhere swimming down there, I know that it is futal to try to match it. That and rude. So its humbling. When I get so much love, I don't get to take all the credit for shouldering this grand burden all on my own. It feels a little like my accomplishment is diminished if I'm not miserable through it all. I have an urge to laugh a little writing this.
And so I am learning to accept love that I cannot repay. Learning to accept love that I cannot repay. Its humbling, but it is beautiful in the breath that it breathes into my lungs when I just take it. I feel like the way I see love is changing a little. Little by little. Sometimes (acutally about 97% of the time) I have a hard time really saying how I feel about someone else to their face. If someone says, "I love you, Heidi," my gut sort of revolts a little and I suddenly become very uncomfortable with how I am to respond. I freeze. Not becuase I have a hard time believing them, but it immediately brings up this thing in me that tells me that I am supposed to have some sort of reciprical response. So I say nothing. I do nothing. I say, "okay," walk out the door, say goodbye and hang up the phone. Why is this? I don't know. But I am finding that for the first time in my life I have the clarity to decide how I feel, what to say, how to respond. A little. I'd just really like to be free of that little tick of fear that digs its little legs into my skin and paralyses me.
Love. My past few posts have been about this place of learning just to be quiet and hear the voice of God. And since I've been in that state, I am hearing God gently call my heart into a deeper realization of his love. A week ago, I sat in a chair amid about 500 other people at the Vineyard and I don't really remember what the teacher was talking about, but I distinctively remember God saying to my heart, "If nothing else, I have brought you to this place so that you will understand my love for you." And it sort of stopped me. "This is my body that was broken for you," he said to me, "And this is my blood that has been spilled for you Heidi." Me. His blood for me.
Its funny becuase you know, I've heard this before. I've heard "God loves me" quite loudly and deeply before, in fact. But I think I have forgotten. I have forgotten somewhere along my chaotic life of classes and working and resume builing that this is really the point. How if I miss this, I miss the whole thing. I am here to know the love of a God wrapped in speldor.
Splendor. That's the other thing. As I have been asking the spirit to stop me in the places that He wants to speak in his word, I keep stopping on the word Splendor. I am facinated with it. I am reminded again about the wonder of this awe-inspiring God. I am finding myself returning again to this beautiful rumination on the simple beauty of God that we will never fully comprehend on this earth. The wonder of his beauty in the tree outside my window, in the mountains, in the rain, in the color of this desk I sit at now, at the sunset and the clouds. The simple reality of gravity, the way lights twinkle on a dark night. I could go on infinately.
So I am mulling over that. Considering just how great God really is and that somehow he still loves me. That all he wants to do with me is penetrate my heart with the reality of his delight in me. Imagine. Me. Loved. And there is nothingI can do to repay it. THere is enough wonder in that alone. So I'll leave you with that.
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