money. I hate dealing with it. I hate thinking about it. I hate not having it and I hate the way it just thinks it can dictate things about my life. It is unpleasant. to say the least. I have never felt comfortable with money, have never known quite how to relate to it and what place it is supposed to have in my life. And it always seems to be so illusive, so slippery-- no security in it.

These past few weeks I have been working through so many things that are related to money and employment, security and responsibility. "Getting the bills paid." Today I just woke up feeling so hopeless, so helpless. Crippled by fear and confusion. Its like I know I need to be working and I need to be actively pursuing employment, but there is a whole other side to the matter that I feel like I am here to do a lot more than just have livelihood. I am here to learn things and experience things and live life with others, but I feel like it is becoming a matter of just getting by, surviving, doing what I can to feel like I'm living or something.

in the midst of all this, I have been working through the ideas of why I relate to money in the way that I do, patterns and emotions that I have about it. I was thinking today that I have never felt like I oculd afford just to take care of myself. I have emotional battles in the grocery store, at the gas station. I don't get my hair cut often and I don't enjoy many things that involve spending money. And for some reason, saying all of this aloud, committing it to the knowledge of those who I think might not understand, scares me. It is extremely humble, yet immensely honest.

But I feel like I am in this cycle of feeling like I have always just been getting by and I will always be that way. It will never be a matter that I feel safe about. I feel guilty for spending money on things that might not be absolute needs and feel anxious about the needs that I have. And I feel caught. ON so many levels I feel caught.

I am feeling helpless not becuase I am incapable of finding employment, but something deeper. IT is more of a time issue I think-- I am in such need to guidance right now as to how to spend my time and feel like even though it is ultimately my choice, I didn't come here for more choices for myself. Numerous times this week I've siad, "I feel like I;m floating in a vacuum." Alone. to decide. But I really just want a haircut. I want a new pair of shoes and I feel like a massage would really help me. But what am I to do? I feel stuck.