August 17, 2004
"The moment I caught wind of this whole blog thing, I was instantly addicted. I was sitting at the feet of these people who had mastered the art of exposing themselves, being whoever it is that God has created them to be. I'm drinking it in, jealous, wanting to be more than a spectator. But I was stuck. Something was stopping me from joining in- embracing community here or anywhere else for that matter.
It's this little voice that comes over the loud speaker of my heart. "You aren't good enough." "No one cares." "If you try to get into these people's lives, they're only going to think you are a silly little girl." "What do you have to contribute?" "You only want attention." Have you ever experienced this voice? It cuts me in half on a regular basis. It ties a rope around the ankles of my heart and keeps my arms from reaching out as they long to- it keeps them crossed, over my heart, not letting them touch the hearts I so deeply need to touch mine. I'm not just talking about blogging, as i'm sure you can imagine, but life. Community. Looking people in the eye.
So I'm stepping out. The loudspeaker is still going, but i'm tuning it out. Smothering it as it has caused me to smother my own heart cries. People think i am a quiet person. But i am only quiet becuase I have grown so used to the imprint of my hand over the mouth of my heart. I am crippled. Why do I long so deeply to show those deep things and yet fear it? i don't know, but here I am, a little seventeen year old girl who knows nothing but her need of a savior to say, "Your sins are forgiven, now pick up your mat and walk." So I'm walking, hoping that someone will see me walking, with everything trailing behind.
Maybe I need to realize that its not about what people think of me, but what they think of the Savior living in me (or is it the Savior i'm living in?) and how that Savior sees me when I walk with this mat under my arm, held by the hand that used to hold the mouth of my heart.
When I allow people to see this thing that my Savior sees, then I will become a master of exposing myself as well- as i have learned so beautifully from all of you.
"This is the appointed time when he moves into the center while i slip into the sidelines."
John 3:30 the message "
A year ago today, I embarked on this crazy journey. I took the step off the ledge and began this
discipline of exposing myself. A year ago today I was in a totally different place, such a different person. But here I am today, sitting in this chair while you all read these words. Still talking... er typing.
I have always had this facination with my own birthday, those important days in my life that belong only to me and yet can be shared... those days when I have the right to say, "Hey. I am here and I am important. I am significant and I have been placed here for a purpose." It has maybe taken me a year to really understand everything a birthday means.
This morning I was woken abruptly and without explanation by my own brain at 5:30. On my day off from work. But now, two hours later, I think I understand why. Abba had something to show me.. silence and then restoration. It is so interesting because a year ago today I began sometime new and today is yet another new sort of day. Today is the day I pack up my life here in my parents house and take off on a whole new kind of life, a totally foreign leg of my journey. I don't think it is much of a coicidence that August 17th 2004 was the day I decided to take this step nor is it any coicidence that I was woken so early on August 17th 2005. Something new is beginning.
On Sunday, I was sitting in church, thinking all that was behind me, all that was before and I had one of those moments when I finally heard what God had been repeating all morning, maybe all year, maybe all my life. I was sitting there, looking all around and then I heard it.
"Behold, I am making all things new."
All of the sudden, I was a awake, my eyes open. This freedom was suddenly so evident. Look, I am washing all of it clean, I am working to restore, to make it all new. I think it is so interesting how we seem to have to reoccuring dreams, these things that God works in our hearts early on and then comes back early to build on.
Last year at TEAM, for the first time in my life this concept of being made new began to really soak into my soul. I remember there was this day way back in the 8th grade someone had said something very very simple to me in the midst of a time when I was totally unable to forgive myself for anything: "Its okay. You are a new creation." Do you ever have those moments when just one sentence in passing begins to bubble under the surface, making you think about your whole life in a totally different way? One sentence. Probably was only a day in the life of the other person, but to me, it was world-altering becuase I knew exactly what he was referring to, but even "growing up in the church," whatever that mean, I had never ever been told such a thing might actually apply to me. And so I wrestled with it for a long time.
And then came the day I understood it. And today is the day I see that it is a little bigger than even that. The thing I loved about this year's TEAM conference was this emphasis on God's desire to bring restoration to his world-- to his people, to his creation, to the very essence of all there is. And i love it becuase just the thought of it brings this deep sense of peace, this assurance that I am not doomed, I am never stuck in yesterday. Behold, I am making all things new.
There is a verse that I love that comes from the book of Isaiah. God is simply calling his people, "Return to me, for I have redeemed you." Return to me. I have redeemed you. This statement is bursting with restoration, with invitation to come back. I have already done the work. Now just come back. Claim what I have provided, what I have made to be true.
And so today is a new day. Such a beautiful day to bask in all that God is making new. I will behold it.
Last year at TEAM, for the first time in my life this concept of being made new began to really soak into my soul. I remember there was this day way back in the 8th grade someone had said something very very simple to me in the midst of a time when I was totally unable to forgive myself for anything: "Its okay. You are a new creation." Do you ever have those moments when just one sentence in passing begins to bubble under the surface, making you think about your whole life in a totally different way? One sentence. Probably was only a day in the life of the other person, but to me, it was world-altering becuase I knew exactly what he was referring to, but even "growing up in the church," whatever that mean, I had never ever been told such a thing might actually apply to me. And so I wrestled with it for a long time.
And then came the day I understood it. And today is the day I see that it is a little bigger than even that. The thing I loved about this year's TEAM conference was this emphasis on God's desire to bring restoration to his world-- to his people, to his creation, to the very essence of all there is. And i love it becuase just the thought of it brings this deep sense of peace, this assurance that I am not doomed, I am never stuck in yesterday. Behold, I am making all things new.
There is a verse that I love that comes from the book of Isaiah. God is simply calling his people, "Return to me, for I have redeemed you." Return to me. I have redeemed you. This statement is bursting with restoration, with invitation to come back. I have already done the work. Now just come back. Claim what I have provided, what I have made to be true.
And so today is a new day. Such a beautiful day to bask in all that God is making new. I will behold it.
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